Punjabi or Sikhi breaking ties with in-laws

[jkvlondon]

It's interesting how widows are still expected to be defer to and do sewa of her husband's folks when he is gone and yet it is regarded as optional to the guys in the vice versa scenario in Punjabiyat . As far as I know Guru Ram Das ji still did sewa and looked after Mata ji after Guru Amar Das's passing . In modern parlance he would have been considered Ghar da Jiwai  and looked down on somehow , this is madness since they gave him a home and love when he was all alone in the world.

[Redoptics]

1 hour ago, kcmidlands said:

It's a very personal thing fella, more credit to you and your character that your willing to be there for them, when something like this happens in a family people always come out of the woodwork with their "advice", as hard as it may be, you have to maintain your composure and not give in and give them the reaction they are looking for.

One thing i did learn from all this who the 'friend's' really are i thought i had loads but in reality  that is not the case even those so called friend 'brother's' you have known all your life.

[Redoptics]

1 hour ago, mahandulai said:

this is a question a robot would ask if it was trying to learn human behaviour

Do you know many robots?

[Big_Tera]

9 hours ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

Quite a thought provoking topic of discussion. I would say do what the heart feels. 

I have also heard this and believe it to be true to an extent. At the end of the day. Our closest bond is with our kids wife ect. Extended family will look out for themselves. So its best you look out for yourself. 

We may try and say we are all family. But when it comes to the crunch we are closest to our immediate family and they are the priority not distant relatives. 

[Ranjeet01]

10 hours ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

It is up to you if you want to break ties or not.

The reasoning behind is that your folks will try to get you re-married, they would want you to move on with your life.

If you are too attached, you will not be able to move on.

And the specific relatives that push to move on, the womenfolk such as your mother's and sisters. 

That is from a Punjabi point of view. 

From a Sikh point of view, attachment is a vice.

 

[Ranjeet01]

3 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

It's interesting how widows are still expected to be defer to and do sewa of her husband's folks when he is gone and yet it is regarded as optional to the guys in the vice versa scenario in Punjabiyat . As far as I know Guru Ram Das ji still did sewa and looked after Mata ji after Guru Amar Das's passing . In modern parlance he would have been considered Ghar da Jiwai  and looked down on somehow , this is madness since they gave him a home and love when he was all alone in the world.

 

That's the patriarchy for you.

[MisterrSingh]

3 hours ago, Redoptics said:

One thing i did learn from all this who the 'friend's' really are i thought i had loads but in reality  that is not the case even those so called friend 'brother's' you have known all your life.

They're only as loyal and decent as the times you'll experience. I'll get criticised for saying the following but apne are so cold and unfeeling. I occasionally think most of our people have a lesser developed soul. You can see it in and behind the eyes. It's a dark void at times.

[Ranjeet01]

4 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

They're only as loyal and decent as the times you'll experience. I'll get criticised for saying the following but apne are so cold and unfeeling. I occasionally think most of our people have a lesser developed soul. You can see it in and behind the eyes. It's a dark void at times.

Apne can be utterly ruthless. 

 

[jkvlondon]

1 hour ago, Ranjeet01 said:

Apne can be utterly ruthless. 

 

Guru Teg Bahadur ji said it very clearly, we just got to pay more attention ...

as Gorey say 'like a teabag you only know how good a person is , when in hot water'.... nobody save Guru ji has your back not hubby/wife, kids , family. what we make the mistake is calling accquaintances friends , if they pass the hottest water test then friend else not

[Redoptics]

11 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Guru Teg Bahadur ji said it very clearly, we just got to pay more attention ...

as Gorey say 'like a teabag you only know how good a person is , when in hot water'.... nobody save Guru ji has your back not hubby/wife, kids , family. what we make the mistake is calling accquaintances friends , if they pass the hottest water test then friend else not

Yeah i feel I made that mistake, but then again we are drops of the ocean,  within the ocean but we do not know we are in the ocean. So can not hold any resentment either.