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Guest Kaur

Amritdhari family doesn’t like my boyfriend

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On 1/24/2019 at 2:30 PM, Guest Kaur said:

I am a 20 yr old girl in US with a amritdhaari family who is very religious and respected. I fell in love with a guy who is mona, eat meat and drinks. I was never as religious as my parents but do value being a vegetarian and sikhi values. We were together for a year and half and Bc I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him we were intimate. I got pregnant and we went to many doctors appointments Bc we were going to have twins. I misscarried one baby and the other we had an abortion Bc my parents hated him and I never wanted to be a disgrace for my family. My parents explained to me so much to leave him but I can’t. I didn’t tell them anything about the pregnancy Bc I’m unsure of their reaction and how they will lose the little respect they have for me. I’m lying to them again that I’m not talking to him when I am. I don’t want to chose between my family and my boyfriend, who I was going to have babies with. I feel so guilty and depressed everyday I hate myself and think I should’ve kept the baby no matter what. I have no guidance or advice Bc I’m ashamed of my actions and can’t tell anyone. 

did you really have an abortion because your parents hate him?

i think you should tell them the truth.  if they lose respect for you, don't worry, i mean the respect was falsely grounded anyway, right?  we have to humble ourselves, sometimes.   try and see things from their perspective, it may help bring you peace of mind.  another point is, that if they are sympathetic, it gives them a chance to help you.

you need to be objective about your situation.  put shame aside for now.  think of it this way- if you had a best and very close friend who was in your situation, and who you cared about deeply, what would you advise her?

what are your plans for your bf?  does he share them?   or do you not have plans?  

you may not have to chose between them.  there may be another way.  try and listen to your parents concerns.  maybe the four of you can formally sit down and discuss the situation together.

also, take care of yourself emotionally.  

i think the advice of woman slightly older than you may help.  hope someone like that responds on this board.

anyway i wish you goodness and help.  hope you find a good solution and become wiser and happier in the process.

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Guest Medusa

You are a mess. Bad choice after bad choice, what do you want? You got pregnant, miscarried, then had an abortion? What was the reason?  Start being better than that 

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if you're from a amrit dhari family, then why don't you go into grihast jeevan, why are you doing this degrading boyfriend girlfriend stuff?

From an amritdhari family and you are in this girlfriend slave mentality?

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On 1/25/2019 at 1:30 AM, Guest Kaur said:

I am a 20 yr old girl in US with a amritdhaari family who is very religious and respected. I fell in love with a guy who is mona, eat meat and drinks. I was never as religious as my parents but do value being a vegetarian and sikhi values. We were together for a year and half and Bc I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him we were intimate. I got pregnant and we went to many doctors appointments Bc we were going to have twins. I misscarried one baby and the other we had an abortion Bc my parents hated him and I never wanted to be a disgrace for my family. My parents explained to me so much to leave him but I can’t. I didn’t tell them anything about the pregnancy Bc I’m unsure of their reaction and how they will lose the little respect they have for me. I’m lying to them again that I’m not talking to him when I am. I don’t want to chose between my family and my boyfriend, who I was going to have babies with. I feel so guilty and depressed everyday I hate myself and think I should’ve kept the baby no matter what. I have no guidance or advice Bc I’m ashamed of my actions and can’t tell anyone. 

I come from an amridhari family as well thats very religious and respected and if I were in your position, my parents wouldve kicked me out the house, I would have become homeless, none of my family members would talk to me and my parents would have lost all their respect.

I know you feel like this mona guy is your soul mate and so on but youve got to realise that your not going to be on this earth forever. What actions are going to benefit you after you die? 

Also, you should be thanking got that you were born into a very religous amritdhari family. Do you have any idea how many unborn spirits want to be in your position? Being born in an amridhari family is one of the greatest gifts ever, dont mess it up.

And for that bf you have, you will meet many like him.

You can go live with you bf and do whatever, its up to you- but dont go back to your parents whilst still thinking of you bf 24/7

Also, you shoudnt have been intimate in the first place no matter what, you can think that you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone- but your actually not. 

Dont let these feelings make you do the wrong thing

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I don't think most amrit dhari families or even many respectful sikh families will not accept their children being part of boyfriend-girlfriend partnerships. If you are serious to become someone's partner, then the only acceptable way is become a life partner. This is the grihast jeevan that Guru Nanak taught and practised and promoted.

It is so degrading to become a temporary partner like a girlfriend, you got any sharam and respect at all (to OP of course)?

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Guest NoWonder

this thread shows how important sexual education is. Guru Sahib ji gave us Sri Charitro Pakhyan to educate us.

In most families sexual education is a taboo subject. We need to realize that we do not live like old times, where kids had no access.

No wonders these youngsters are confused and know how to handle. Desi parents need to rethink their parenting and the youngsters need to study our history. Unfortunately most jathebandis or sampardays are busy with their own politics.

This is a complex subject. In the end it is also our own karms...

 

 

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its probably already been said but ill say it anyways. dont be so selfish and respect ur parents!!!! 

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On 1/25/2019 at 10:26 AM, Guest jigsaw_puzzled_singh said:

......apart from the 7.53 billion that you've just told now by broadcasting it to the entire world. But, it's an easy mistake to make. I mean 2 people on one hand and 7.53 billion in the other. The numbers are so similar it's easy to confuse the two.

 

Hark Kaur. Jasmine Sandlas, the bombshell bandit to name but three. It's a real phenonema. If you look at the Punjabi diaspora around the world you will notice that the 3rd and 4th generation western born are relatively traditional but the new 1st and 2nd generation lot are not very good at balancing east and west primarily because they don't understand the blood, sweat and tears that it took to establish the diaspora. 

Excellent analysis right there. The first generations of western born sikhs are very westernized but looking at more deep rooted diaspora (UK sikhs, and some canadian) the more time that passes the more they get into sikhi. I might be wrong but to me it feels that for other communities they stay religious within the first generations and either start to westernize or become more fundemental 

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On 1/24/2019 at 2:30 PM, Guest Kaur said:

I was never as religious as my parents but do value being a vegetarian and sikhi values. We were together for a year and half and Bc I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him we were intimate. I got pregnant and we went to many doctors appointments Bc we were going to have twins. I misscarried one baby and the other we had an abortion Bc my parents hated him and I never wanted to be a disgrace for my family. My parents explained to me so much to leave him but I can’t. I didn’t tell them anything about the pregnancy Bc I’m unsure of their reaction and how they will lose the little respect they have for me. I’m lying to them again that I’m not talking to him when I am. I don’t want to chose between my family and my boyfriend

lol I don't think being vegetarian helped you in in controlling your vikaar or stopping you from being in a non-life non-grihast degrading temporary casual partnership with someone. There are plenty of jhatka practising or shikaar practising Nihang Singhs or other amrit dharis who will not allow their children to be in some disgusting-appalling temporary partnership like girlfriend-boyfriend. There are sikhs who drink who will also not allow their children to be in such partnerships! Has this ritual-vegeterianism given you any annakh or izzat like the sikhs I just described?

The fact is you are trying to be religious and just do dating partnerships like other ritualistic people, after all you do follow ritual vegeterianism! You need to learn to be dharmik. Dharmik people do not enter boyfriend-girlfriend partnerships, or being concubines, or temporary marriages like muslims do.But religious people such as abrahamics (like Jews, christians, muslims) do not have many issues with temporary partners and concubines and keeping slave girls. Are you religious or do you want to become a dharmik sikh????? Do you want to stay stuck in ritualism and forget to use your brain, same kind of ritualism Guru Nanak taught against?

Again you degrade yourself by saying you don't want to choose between boyfriend and family? HE IS NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBAND, NOT EVEN YOUR LIFE PARTNER!!! He is just a boyfriend, a casual/temporary partner. You allow yourself to be degraded to a girlfriend, YOU ARE NOT HIS LIFE PARTNER YET YOU ARE ALREADY TALKING ABOUT CHOOSING BETWEEN THIS POOR EXCUS FOR A PARTNER AND YOUR FAMILY?

If you want to be taken seriously, at least become his life partner? Why are you being such an ABCD coconut, are you stupid? Where is your intelligence? You really need to look deep inside yourself. Do you understand the importance of grihast jeevan?

 

On 1/26/2019 at 1:22 PM, Amit12 said:

is your BF okay with your religious values ?

 

lol and just a BF, not even a husband!

On 1/27/2019 at 1:29 AM, Guest guest said:

what are your plans for your bf?  does he share them?   or do you not have plans?  

I think she needs to think why she is in a casual partnership. Why he is her boyfriend and not in a grihast jeevan with her? Why the urgency  and desperation to be in such a partnership when Anand Karaj can be performed.

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On 1/24/2019 at 2:30 PM, Guest Kaur said:

I am a 20 yr old girl in US with a amritdhaari family who is very religious and respected. I fell in love with a guy who is mona, eat meat and drinks. I was never as religious as my parents but do value being a vegetarian and sikhi values. We were together for a year and half and Bc I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him we were intimate. I got pregnant and we went to many doctors appointments Bc we were going to have twins. I misscarried one baby and the other we had an abortion Bc my parents hated him and I never wanted to be a disgrace for my family. My parents explained to me so much to leave him but I can’t. I didn’t tell them anything about the pregnancy Bc I’m unsure of their reaction and how they will lose the little respect they have for me. I’m lying to them again that I’m not talking to him when I am. I don’t want to chose between my family and my boyfriend, who I was going to have babies with. I feel so guilty and depressed everyday I hate myself and think I should’ve kept the baby no matter what. I have no guidance or advice Bc I’m ashamed of my actions and can’t tell anyone. 

Sikhs do eat meat Jhakta only not Halal ...

Is you bf from Sikhi background? 

You have really got your self in a mess..everyone makes mistakes some do go off the rails but having an abortion is serious. If you got preg than you should have just told them i dont think they would have let you have abortion regardless how they feel about your bf. Maybe married you 2 off and had your baby would been better.

You are still young and seems head over heels for him. Does he want to be with your forever? Does he want marry you? I mean if he was ok to have abortion than than is quite telling about him. How important is Sikhi to you? If Sikhi isn't than really doesn't matter what you do..your life. 

You'll be adult soon and your parents or bf doesn't matter, as much as how YOU feel about your decisions and mistakes you made. You yourself will have to live with decisions you made. Only you yourself know whether you feel guilty and truly sorry about what you did or not.

If Sikhi is important to you, then you need to ask Guru for forgiveness and get your self respect back. You need to let go of the bf, clearly hes no good, even though it may seem the end of the world and he's the only things matters in world, but it only temp. Where do you see yourself 5 years 10 years? Get yourself education, go college, get job, become independent make your life first, than when time is right you'll get married. You have to be responsible for your actions. You are the one that will live with it. Maybe not good idea to tell parents right now, tell them when you sorted you life out and on right track. 

What is he leave and finds another girl. What will you do? You can end up is serious downward spiral and turn drugs, alcohol, and even the worse not want to live anymore. You need to be honest with yourself, if you feel bad and he's no good for you, than let him go and sort your life out. 

 

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I’m going to try to be less harsh as we don’t know what your mental state is right now.

You have made crazy big mistakes, but it seems like you are feeling guilty so atleast that’s something (compared to some goria who have multiple abortions and see it as birth control). Now you can either show god that you realise you made a mistake and now you want to follow his path, split up, do your gurbani/simran, spend more time doing what I’m guessing your parents do..... or if you really aren’t interested or feeling it then you may as well see if you can make it work with this guy. I’m assuming it would be very tough for you to tell another boy about this incident if things didn’t work out with you boyfriend.... so it will end up as another lie which will chew you up....  if it doesn’t work honestly I wouldn’t bother dating again. You will regret it if you make these mistakes again (when you’re older), by mistakes I mean even just having a boyfriend not another pregnancy. I believe the saying is ‘once you pop you can’t stop’ so it’s unlikely you won’t be intimate with a boyfriend again so you’re best off making sure you don’t have one! If it works with this guy and you actually go the full way to marriage atleast then it’s only him. (I doubt it will work with him even though you are clearly extremely lusting over him though, you’re both so young).

An abortion is a huge thing. I do believe you can get forgiveness but you need to change a lot to get there, it doesn’t sound like that change will come genuinely and naturally to you right now. Hopefully one day it will.

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Guest jitG
On 1/24/2019 at 6:30 AM, Guest Kaur said:

I am a 20 yr old girl in US with a amritdhaari family who is very religious and respected. I fell in love with a guy who is mona, eat meat and drinks. I was never as religious as my parents but do value being a vegetarian and sikhi values. We were together for a year and half and Bc I thought I was going to spend my whole life with him we were intimate. I got pregnant and we went to many doctors appointments Bc we were going to have twins. I misscarried one baby and the other we had an abortion Bc my parents hated him and I never wanted to be a disgrace for my family. My parents explained to me so much to leave him but I can’t. I didn’t tell them anything about the pregnancy Bc I’m unsure of their reaction and how they will lose the little respect they have for me. I’m lying to them again that I’m not talking to him when I am. I don’t want to chose between my family and my boyfriend, who I was going to have babies with. I feel so guilty and depressed everyday I hate myself and think I should’ve kept the baby no matter what. I have no guidance or advice Bc I’m ashamed of my actions and can’t tell anyone. 

Firstly, what did you ever learn from your amritdhary parents when you were growing up? Nothing!! You should’ve learnt some decent values or some decency. You should have learnt Morality or Moral values! No one is blaming you for falling in love, BUT why on earth did you fall in love with a mona? Don’t you know monas are not classified as Sikhs? They are not Sikhs. You knew you belong to an amritdhary family then why you fall in love with a misfit like a mona?

You really deserve to be disowned by your decent loving parents who left India to come to the US to provide you better education and decent life full of comforts. They trusted you but you abused your trust so badly that no parents can forgive their children whether amritdhary or not! You went ahead and have an abortion! You are a MAHA -PAAPI for killing two innocent lives plus the fact cheating on your god fearing loving mum and dad or even your siblings! Shocking! You have cheated on so many people plus  the fact committed a murder of two helpless souls because of your stupidity!

What the hell do you mean that you don’t want to choose between your so-called boyfriend and your family? What a meaningless question! You should have asked this question before you laid your eyes on him and before you jumped in bed with him, for  it to be meaningful! 

You have already chosen between the two when you made your decision to fall in love, whatever it means, with him, to kill two innocent souls and deceive your parents and siblings!! So my dear girl, it is too late to choose! 

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An easy solution:

Tell ur parents about ur bf and the abortion and they will gladly marry you off to ur bf. 

You no longer qualify for an arranged marriage so hopefully ur parents will see that and five blessing to ur marriage qith the mona bf. They might yell at u first which they have a right to do.

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12 hours ago, Not2Cool2Argue said:

An easy solution:

Tell ur parents about ur bf and the abortion and they will gladly marry you off to ur bf. 

You no longer qualify for an arranged marriage so hopefully ur parents will see that and five blessing to ur marriage qith the mona bf. They might yell at u first which they have a right to do.

she can still get arranged marriage with freshie looking for a visa, GUARANTEED!

people will marry for GREED as well, so just saying, no need to knock down her arranged marriage choices just yet 🤣

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Guest Kaliyadon

You either marry someone for money or for their love. You never marry just because someone has made someone preggies. If everyone was to marry because someone’s got pregnant then it’s their fault for not using the contraceptive pill widely available in every corner of this world. You shouldn’t mislead people into making more mistakes.

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