Depression from Horrible Arranged Marraige

[LifeIsBeautiful 49]

Dear Sangat Ji,

I have been married for about 5 years and have become quite different from when I was single. I constantly have a wife who bickers with me, and fights with me to the point of where I have lost all meaning in my life. I m unable to think striaght, barely keeping my job and sometimes wonder where I went wrong.

I had a very simple life, and I dont blame God, but I wonder why I ended up with this partner.

[MisterrSingh 4,495]

Where's she from?

[Guest guest]

Hi

firstly a lot of people experience this, so don't feel bad.  you are comparing your life before to your life now, that does not seem correct.  just like you wouldn't compare childhood to being an adult.

was she like this from the start, or did she become like this recently?  if recently, maybe there is an underlying issue.  perhaps she feels neglected, frustrated, bored (no intellectual stimulation?), she feels she has too much work?  try and find out the underlying issue.  she herself may not know the reason.  it could be really simple, and maybe yo could compromise on something.  i.e. you could help with housework?

[BhForce 1,161]

11 hours ago, LifeIsBeautiful said:

I constantly have a wife who bickers with me,

What does she argue about? Money?

Does she work? What field?

What about you? Do you make more than her? Much more or just a bit more?
Are you comfortable, or just getting by?

Do you have children? How many? Are you able to buy nice stuff for them or not?

Does your wife lack for anything?
Is she plain or pretty?

[Guest Dude's wife]

On 4/22/2019 at 7:21 PM, MisterrSingh said:

Where's she from?

Take a guess ...

[Guest guest]

17 hours ago, BhForce said:

Is she plain or pretty?

???? why are you asking this?

[LifeIsBeautiful 49]

21 hours ago, BhForce said:

What does she argue about? Money?

Does she work? What field?

What about you? Do you make more than her? Much more or just a bit more?
Are you comfortable, or just getting by?

Do you have children? How many? Are you able to buy nice stuff for them or not?

Does your wife lack for anything?
Is she plain or pretty?

 

Veerji,

My wife won't do any housework, she does'nt work. She doesn't respect my parents or grandparents. My parents were like, she will change, her parents aren't any help. She has been a cheraal ever since she got to Canada.  I honestly put two hands folded to anyone, dont ever find someone in india, be single, dont make the mistake I did. I am from a wealthy family, if I could I would have been able to get married. I dont' drink, smoke, I have good values. 

I have 1 child on the way, my wife has threatened to leave me several times, I sometimes smile and ask to God, why I was chosen with this person. I have kept praying to God, never losing faith, but feel saddened why I can't leave her. There's days where I have thought of going mental, because I am living in this hell.

 

The only reason I wont' leave her is I did lavan infront of Guru Granth Sahiab. I know for some, it's a just a play, but I took it very seriously.

 

[LifeIsBeautiful 49]

On 4/22/2019 at 3:37 PM, Guest guest said:

Hi

firstly a lot of people experience this, so don't feel bad.  you are comparing your life before to your life now, that does not seem correct.  just like you wouldn't compare childhood to being an adult.

was she like this from the start, or did she become like this recently?  if recently, maybe there is an underlying issue.  perhaps she feels neglected, frustrated, bored (no intellectual stimulation?), she feels she has too much work?  try and find out the underlying issue.  she herself may not know the reason.  it could be really simple, and maybe yo could compromise on something.  i.e. you could help with housework?

Veerji, I think you are right, I am comparing my life from 5 years ago. I think I had too many expectations, my family was hoping for someone who would act as a glue to our family, but rather my wife is like oil immersed in water. Completely different, I have lost my mental balance, I think based on the lies my in-laws said about their daughter. I completely fell for their charade, and my parents were too ignorant and innocent.

 

 

[Guest Singh]

This seems to be a trend of girls from India.  Two of my cousins married girls from India and are going through the exact same thing.  My cousins wife straight up swears at my aunt, doesnt speak to any guests. When my cousin confronts her, she threatens suicide.  It’s a very bad situation that is unfortunately all too common.  People from Canada go over to India to get married because it worked out for their parents.  But today’s girls are totally different and one can’t take them for face value.  Marriage in front of SGGS means nothing to them.  It’s all about immigrating and getting their famiky over.   When their family arrives things get even worse.

[Not2Cool2Argue 592]

U should confront ur wife. When next time she says she gonna leave you. Tell her please go. I will be very happy and will finally get some peace and mind. And if u cant suppport our kid on ur own, u can send the kid to me. 

And if she changes her mind, or makes an excuse not to go. Tell her, leave now or if u stay follow these rules. Or i will kick u out.

She will yell and make a scene. Let her, stay firm and mean it. 

U will have a kid soon, and u dont want to raise it in a roxic environment, where the dad is always running away from the house and the mom acts like a shrew. 

I know u said u dont want to go back on ur laavan. But i think as long as u dont remarry,  u r ok. 

Make an ultimatum when she threatens u to leave. And have her leave or stay on ur terms. Be strong, dont back down. 

Some types of ppl only understand tough language. Tell her the rules are: u will not nag me, which means only tell me a thing once. And not repeat things. Or u can even put a time limit. We will talk from 3-4 pm everyday, all other times only as necessary. From 3 to 4, u can complain and moan as much as u want. Also u must respect my parents.

Tell her, i dont need u, i can get married again if i choose. So if u want to stay married, act better not like a spoiled child. (Ofc u wont get married again. But some ppl need fear to behave.)

Being mr. Nice guy has not worked. Now act like mr. In control guy. 

Also some of ur problems could be due to cultural problems. She was probably taught to be assertive in the beginning of the relationship, so that she wont be treated like a doormat. 

So tell her, if u stay, u must act like human being. We will not coerce u or have any drama like in indian families, so please drop the act.  Tell her this is uk, and if u treat us with respect we will treat u the same way. If u r going to be rude, please leave, we r not such coarse ppl. 

On 4/22/2019 at 11:12 AM, LifeIsBeautiful said:

Dear Sangat Ji,

I have been married for about 5 years and have become quite different from when I was single. I constantly have a wife who bickers with me, and fights with me to the point of where I have lost all meaning in my life. I m unable to think striaght, barely keeping my job and sometimes wonder where I went wrong.

I had a very simple life, and I dont blame God, but I wonder why I ended up with this partner.

 

[MisterrSingh 4,495]

On 4/23/2019 at 7:39 PM, Guest Dude's wife said:

Take a guess ...

...

Where's the extra 20 kg / 45 Ibs, pock-marked skin, and beady, soulless eyes?

[puzzled 3,466]

Your the man  so make her live how you want her to live, make her live according to your terms. Take control. The relationship should be according to your terms.  Have a go at her if you have to   I personally don't see anything wrong with that ... 

I really don't understand why people still go to India to get married in this day and age. 

In my life iv had many females tell me how I'm really stubborn and it really frustrates them LMAO      at the end they come back to you   ... 

[LifeIsBeautiful 49]

On 4/23/2019 at 3:47 PM, Guest guest said:

???? why are you asking this?

 

6 hours ago, Not2Cool2Argue said:

U should confront ur wife. When next time she says she gonna leave you. Tell her please go. I will be very happy and will finally get some peace and mind. And if u cant suppport our kid on ur own, u can send the kid to me. 

And if she changes her mind, or makes an excuse not to go. Tell her, leave now or if u stay follow these rules. Or i will kick u out.

She will yell and make a scene. Let her, stay firm and mean it. 

U will have a kid soon, and u dont want to raise it in a roxic environment, where the dad is always running away from the house and the mom acts like a shrew. 

I know u said u dont want to go back on ur laavan. But i think as long as u dont remarry,  u r ok. 

Make an ultimatum when she threatens u to leave. And have her leave or stay on ur terms. Be strong, dont back down. 

Some types of ppl only understand tough language. Tell her the rules are: u will not nag me, which means only tell me a thing once. And not repeat things. Or u can even put a time limit. We will talk from 3-4 pm everyday, all other times only as necessary. From 3 to 4, u can complain and moan as much as u want. Also u must respect my parents.

Tell her, i dont need u, i can get married again if i choose. So if u want to stay married, act better not like a spoiled child. (Ofc u wont get married again. But some ppl need fear to behave.)

Being mr. Nice guy has not worked. Now act like mr. In control guy. 

Also some of ur problems could be due to cultural problems. She was probably taught to be assertive in the beginning of the relationship, so that she wont be treated like a doormat. 

So tell her, if u stay, u must act like human being. We will not coerce u or have any drama like in indian families, so please drop the act.  Tell her this is uk, and if u treat us with respect we will treat u the same way. If u r going to be rude, please leave, we r not such coarse ppl. 

 

Thank you veerji for posting this, I can honestly say I want no one man to go what I have gone in the last 3 years. I was very fortunate that I had very good hard working parents. You are incredibly right, I think this is the way to go. 

 

I appreciate your help, I honestly don't know who to turn to. 

[kcmidlands 218]

On 4/24/2019 at 3:53 AM, LifeIsBeautiful said:

My wife won't do any housework, she does'nt work. She doesn't respect my parents or grandparents. My parents were like, she will change, her parents aren't any help. She has been a cheraal ever since she got to Canada.  I honestly put two hands folded to anyone, dont ever find someone in india, be single, dont make the mistake I did. I am from a wealthy family, if I could I would have been able to get married. I dont' drink, smoke, I have good values. 

I have 1 child on the way, my wife has threatened to leave me several times, I sometimes smile and ask to God, why I was chosen with this person. I have kept praying to God, never losing faith, but feel saddened why I can't leave her. There's days where I have thought of going mental, because I am living in this hell.

 

The only reason I wont' leave her is I did lavan infront of Guru Granth Sahiab. I know for some, it's a just a play, but I took it very seriously.

Is there any [articular reason you decided to get married in India, it's been discussed countless times on this forum, especially about the cultural differences with Punjabi's in India and those of use that are born and bred in other countries, did you try and find a wife from the same country that your from.

The only way you'll find resolution is communication, at some point she'll have to hear what your saying, how you communicate is up to you, you will need her parent's to listen to you as well, if they don't listen directly then i'd suggest getting an older family member to do the talking, the last hing any parent wan't (especially in India) is their married daughter being dropped off back in the pind because the marriage did't work.

If you want to take the route of making threats, telling her you'll cancel her visa, you'll get married again and god know's what else has been mention then that's up to you fella, in my experience things like that will tend to cause more harm than good.

On a side note, i'd love to know how many people who give marital advice here are actually married and understand exactly how much hard work goes into a marriage to make it work, I've been married for over 16 years and we still argue, bicker and fight, it's human nature but we always find a resolution and more importantly know what our boundaries are, we've been through the "making threats" phase, it doesn't work, trust me.

It's commendably that you take your laavan seriously, your right, for some people it is just done for show.

[Guest Satnaam]

On 4/24/2019 at 5:53 AM, LifeIsBeautiful said:

 

Veerji,

My wife won't do any housework, she does'nt work. She doesn't respect my parents or grandparents. My parents were like, she will change, her parents aren't any help. She has been a cheraal ever since she got to Canada.  I honestly put two hands folded to anyone, dont ever find someone in india, be single, dont make the mistake I did. I am from a wealthy family, if I could I would have been able to get married. I dont' drink, smoke, I have good values. 

I have 1 child on the way, my wife has threatened to leave me several times, I sometimes smile and ask to God, why I was chosen with this person. I have kept praying to God, never losing faith, but feel saddened why I can't leave her. There's days where I have thought of going mental, because I am living in this hell.

 

The only reason I wont' leave her is I did lavan infront of Guru Granth Sahiab. I know for some, it's a just a play, but I took it very seriously.

 

Try marriage counselling. If she has a conscience she may begin to change.

 

A family member of mine had anger issues and was emotionally abusive, and since going to counseling he's changed for the better.