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LifeIsBeautiful

Depression from Horrible Arranged Marraige

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7 hours ago, LifeIsBeautiful said:

 

 

Thank you veerji for posting this, I can honestly say I want no one man to go what I have gone in the last 3 years. I was very fortunate that I had very good hard working parents. You are incredibly right, I think this is the way to go. 

 

I appreciate your help, I honestly don't know who to turn to. 

If you are from the uk. You should ask advice from married ppl like baljit singh of basics of sikhi. Or sikh_dad from instagram. Maybe also bhai sukha singh uk from london. 

Or get someone elderly to sit down with u and ur wife. And that person can mefiate between you two. You tell ur side and she says her side. Or u can even try calling ur wifes mom and telling her that she is being very rude and has ruined ur peace...keep doing ardaas and keep doing ur best.

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Guest jigsaw_puzzled_singh

'Depression from a horrible arranged marriage'

A point and a question.

Point : I doubt you have depression from that one solitary issue. It's usually from a comulative inability to deal with stree per se. That issue, i.e. an argumentative wife, obviously brings you stress but I think you need to understand 2 things:

a) Girls from rural Punjab argue and bicker a lot. It's what they do. They draw strength from that argumentative nature. However, instead of drawing strength from it you are letting it weaken you. How you deal with it is in your control.

b) You, and all young adults, need to understand that adult life is full of stressful situations. You're looking for utopia but utopia doesn't actually exist. Adult life, especially when you become a parent, is so full of stressful situations that if you let it get to you so often and so easily it will destroy you and you will not be able to function. The trick is to always remember that you don't actually have it that bad compared to some others.

Question: You chose to mention the word 'arranged' in your thread title even though it isn't that relevant to the scenario. So, my question is: is the marriage 'horrible' because it's horrible or is it horrible because it's arranged ?

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If there is any reason why in the past daughter-in-laws were treated harshly by their mother-in-laws, the girl presented here provides the example.

We call our culture backward and repressive and we consider ourselves enlightened and tried to do things differently  but maybe our forefathers were right all along.

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1 hour ago, Ranjeet01 said:

If there is any reason why in the past daughter-in-laws were treated harshly by their mother-in-laws, the girl presented here provides the example.

We call our culture backward and repressive and we consider ourselves enlightened and tried to do things differently  but maybe our forefathers were right all along.

I just don't understand the need for constant drama. Why not just perform your duties according to your role in the family without any of the nonsense. It has to be upbringing and a lack of common sense, because this sort of behaviour isn't a constant across the entire community. It's a very base way of existing: prolonged negativity, simmering emotions of resentment, etc. What a crap life for these people. What's even worse is those who accept it as some inevitability; an inescapable reality of life. That's total bakwaas peddled by weak individuals who lack the will to act. A Sikh male cowed and bullied into submission by the women in his life loses all right to manhood. Pathetic.

Edited by MisterrSingh

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

I just don't understand the need for constant drama. Why not just perform your duties according to your role in the family without any of the nonsense. It has to be upbringing and a lack of common sense, because this sort of behaviour isn't a constant across the entire community. It's a very base way of existing: prolonged negativity, simmering emotions of resentment, etc. What a crap life for these people. What's even worse is those who accept it as some inevitability; an inescapable reality of life. That's total bakwaas peddled by weak individuals who lack the will to act. A Sikh male cowed and bullied into submission by the women in his life loses all right to manhood. Pathetic.

For some people, they need drama in their lives. If they cannot get it, they will create it

Gaining attention for them is the most important thing for them.

The best way to deal with these type of people is to ignore them and starve them off the attention. 

They look for a reaction as they feed off this energy.

The best way to deal with them is to not react and look at them in a dead pan indifferent way.

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4 hours ago, Ranjeet01 said:

If there is any reason why in the past daughter-in-laws were treated harshly by their mother-in-laws, the girl presented here provides the example.

We call our culture backward and repressive and we consider ourselves enlightened and tried to do things differently  but maybe our forefathers were right all along.

no it's actually about teaching children sanskar, and they continue the behaviour to adulthood!

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10 minutes ago, ipledgeblue said:

no it's actually about teaching children sanskar, and they continue the behaviour to adulthood!

Clearly the parents are not so it seems the parents-in-law has to step in.

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Fair enough to the people who are saying that I have cowed, honestly I have been successful at work and in life through the grace of Waheguru. 

The only reason I went to India to get married was my folks knew I wanted to keep my roots, I really valued Sikhism as a kid, and hence my sister thought this one girl that someone recommended would be the right person.

 

The girl has no akaal, wont talk to anyone, sits around watching bollywood movies, and honestly the reason I haven't kicked her out was the shame it would bring to my parents and to myself, going around Guru Granth Sahiab. 

For some people, laavan is just a 'khel', and to a lot of the brothers out there, I would honestly discourage you from going to India. I think the culture has completely changed and for a lot of the kids, here, who were raised by hard working parents and had good values.

 

Anyways, appreciate everyones comments. All I can say is when you are married to the wrong person, it really messes up your life, gurbani has been literally the only thing that has kept me mentally alive and can't stress that enough to people, that when your marrying someone, sometimes its literally a coin toss, its easy to laugh at someone's misfortune, or say your better, but when it happens to you, you realize no one will help you or can help you

 

WJKK WJKF

- mods if you dont mind lockign this post.

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4 hours ago, LifeIsBeautiful said:

The only reason I went to India to get married was my folks knew I wanted to keep my roots, I really valued Sikhism as a kid, and hence my sister thought this one girl that someone recommended would be the right person.

It's understandable that you wanted to be closer to your roots fella but sometimes out roots are right in front of us, i'm not say you would have found the perfect bride from the country you were born and bred in, but at least there wouldn't have been a cultural divide, when getting married our religion is important but if the two people are culturally different then you are asking of heartache.

I'm glad you have found some salvation and escape in Gurbani but at some point your going to have to face the problems in your marriage.

Whatever you do fella, good luck with it and keep your head up.

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