Newly married, divorce issue

[Guest Broken Singh]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh

i am writing my story here and seeking advice from senior married brothers and sister. I have acnt here but I am writing as Gupt. Unmarried people plz dont reply.

 

so I am Citizen here in Canada since 2012 and I am an Amritdhari Singh, never went for any bad parties, doing my nitnem etc with full devotion. Never have any girlfriend till now. I am 30 now. I went backhome Punjab to get married, we got through many rishte and finally got one through newspaper. The girl( my wife) is amritdhari, her parents are also amritdharis. I went through simple gurmat rituals, no dowry etc. Even girls parents were trying to gift me money and gold but I refused and took nothing at all. My marriage was almost according to gurmat.

marrriage went well, I stayed with my wife for one month and came back here to canada. As i have to sponser her here I was asking her to apply for her passport everyday. She kept on saying that her passport will be ready in a month or two.

and last week she told me that there is a problem with the passport. She told me that we had some fight with someone in 2014 , and i have a case registered under my name. His brother ( my <banned word filter activated>) and his dad are also in case. So until the case clears her enquiry for passport can’t clear. In other words she can’t come to canada until court decides her not guilty.

 

so it was a big news for me, i am very upset, case is not a big issue but she and her family kept on hiding the truth since last 3 months, that hurting me deeply. I cried and since last week i am very upset. She continuously asking for sorry. I have told her that I cannot live with a liar anymore. I never demanded anything from their family infact i told them before marriage that if your financial condition is low I can come to marry ur daughter with just 5 persons so that they can save their money. Since my childhood I always remain away from girls, always respected the intuition of marriage. But her one lie is eating me up. I cry many times a day. My family my mom and dad sisters are saying the case will be over soon or lator so don’t go for divorce.  Your wife hide the truth its bad, but she is not a bad girl. My family like her but she lied to me. She didn’t revealed the truth  earlier because her parents told her  as they cannot find a canadian gursikh boy easily . So they hide. Because of her one big lie, a feeling of hate is developing inside me. I can’t smile looking at her picture anymore. Her face and her picture don’t give me peace anymore. Every second is spent with her is hurting me now. I am so disappointed. I went to Gurudwara and cried there I cannot find peace anywhere. Everynight i keep crying. I cant stop crying while doing nitnem as well. 

She is requesting continuously and asking for sorry, she said this was my last and first mistake that she did on her parents order, she promises never to lie me again. I somehow feel like i should give her a second chance but on the same time i feel she is a liar. I always lived according to Gurbani and never betrayed anyone in my whole life. She lied to me and she should not have any place in life.I am stuck both ways, if i go for divorce it will take atleast a year or two and another year for re.marriage,  if i move on - forgive her for this lie and still I can’ live with her as she is a liar and i am staring to dislike her.   Sometimes i feel like I shouldn’t live anymore ( but i am not a coward to commit suicide etc- i am very confident but now a feeling a developing inside) i have no interest in anything now. 

What options u will have if u are in my place? 

I request everyone here not to make fun of my post ( i am using this forum since 2016 i have seen some people reply without thinking) i need some good advice

 

 

[Guest Singh]

Veer,

This is your first love so you're feeling hurt because she wasn't fully honest with you. On one hand, what else hasn't she been honest about? But on the other hand it's not like you found out she has a boyfriend. You're a man - don't get so emotional about this. 

Contact the sarpanch of your village and have them talk to the sarpanch of the girls village. Let the elders sort this out. 

[Guest Midlandsingh]

Puttar,

Dont get upset for so long it is not practical or helpful to you or your family. Stand up strong and face this battle. You appear to be a person of good character and do good deeds and lost as to why has this happened to me. In the beginning you found potential happiness - this is just a hurdle in life you will overcome.

Lets give Mrs the benefit of the doubt for a moment. A mistake was made, potentially circumstances beyond her control and she thought the outcome would be resolved before marriage. As with all legal things the industry is never rushed and the people are left hanging on and hanging on by the law workers until they are ready. Pressure from one’s parents to stay silent can take a toll especially on young women.

Also it could be that the Mrs’ family are ashamed and embarrassed about the situation and would like most people don’t want it out. They’d hoped the situation was sorted by now and they can get on with their lives. Your new in-laws are probably just as upset as you are. 

If you have the opportunity, go to your new wife again, assure her everything will be ok, your there waiting for her to build a new life in Canada - together and have a bright and happy future. Speak to her regularly, make plans on spending time together and how great the feeling for you both when the time arrives for her to join you. 

We all make mistakes in life puttar, she had apologised repeatedly, remember one of the tenants in Sikhi is forgiveness, hold your arm out and let her grasp your hand.

Trust in the Lord as always. 

WJKWJF

[proactive]

I would think about some sort of counselling if I were you. You wife's passport might clear soon and when she arrives I don't think your relationship will be good if you still harbour these unresolved feelings about what she did. I think that you have built up this image of your ideal wife prior to getting married and because you are a good person you assumed that the person you married will also be the same. Because your wife did not tell your about her court case this has now shattered the image that you had build up of your ideal wife and it will take time and effort for you to start trusting your wife again. Once trust is lost then it is difficult but not impossible to gain it back again. Having an upbringing that you have had has in many ways made you more trusting and more idealistic which is not a bad thing but because people are complicated then it does set you up for a fall. Also you have very little experience of having a relationship before your marriage which is good but then unless you get your ideal partner then it does make it more difficult if there are issues between you two. As I said you need to have some counselling and talk through your issues. I would certainly not involve any Sarpanch as one member stated because you cannot trust people in the same village as they will have issues between each other and you will not know what their motivations are. 

What exactly is the case about? In some villages in Punjab these cases are registered to take out old enmities and to harass people. Take out the time that the case is likely to take to work through your issues but definitely get some counselling so that the feelings that you about her having not told you about the court case are resolved and are not there when she arrives in Canada. 

[Guest a_little_advise]

dear veer ji,

you live according to gurmat.

Gurbani and sikhi teaches us to forgive. She told you the truth in the end asked since then for sorry.

What should she  have done differently according to you? Her Parents told her to keep quiet.

Forgive and stay strong.

If you still are in doubt then do ardaas and take hukamnama. However, this is not a reason for a divorce.

 

 

[Guest Broken singh op]

Thanks everyone for replies. 

Midlandsingh ji ur PUTTAR word i loved

Where to get counciling?  I don’t want people make fun. My all family knows about it, mom dad and sisters are saying that its okay, she is good. I haven’t spoken to her since last week no text nothing. Her family is in contact with my family but i am not taking to her family.  I hate them- they have big kirpans wearing and her mother tie dastar and still they are liars.

case exactly is this that 4-5 yrs ago she went to himachal pradesh for vacations with her bhabhi,brother,sister and brothers. On the way back they parked their car and started taking pics, some Himachali taxi drivers started arguing not to park there. Eventually it went to fight, her brother beat one driver that his nose broken. They went to police there and comeback. So they also added her name to the case.

[Not2Cool2Argue]

On 4/28/2019 at 1:02 PM, Guest Broken Singh said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh

What options u will have if u are in my place? 

I request everyone here not to make fun of my post ( i am using this forum since 2016 i have seen some people reply without thinking) i need some good advice

 

 

You are in a big dilemma, dharam shankat. But if u think clearly, it can be solved.

1. Dont trust the girl, until u r completely sure. Find out more about the case that is against the family. Ask the girl, about it, then have ur family in india investigate. Find out if her version matches. If it is true, then forget the past and move on.

2. Recognize u lived a priveleged life. You were born into a sikh family and in a rich country. Some of us have parents, that beat us up if we dont lie, like they tell us to. Some of our parents, yelled at us, if we gave money to a begger. Children of these types of parents, dont have strict morals, we act on a survival instinct. We do what is easy for us, not what is right. Or we dont believe the law to be right, but.only its implications. Lots of our parents, had to do hera feei to get their relatives to the west. Like sham marriages, fake birth certificates etc. While they are lying and breaking the law, they are also helping people.

So for people like us, we didnt get a chance to be good. We werent given a clean slate.

You have met and seen ur wife. Do you get along with her? Does she have good manners and habits? Is she a good person? I think the fact that she admits that she lied and that due to parental pressure, means she is a good person. She had to decide between listening to her parents or lying. And her parents scared her, saying she will be rejected. And you are mistaken, if you think people tell the truth to vichola or during engagement. People hide allthe bad things, so they are not rejected. It is practical and normal. One of my au ts had epilepsy disease or seizures. Her husband family only found out after 2 kids. They were mad, but what could they do?

As I said u lived a privaleged life. You did not have to choose between poverty and goodness, or being rejected and telling the truth. 

I have noticed people that are good. That have never sinned. They have 1 big flaw and 1 sin they always commit. They judge other people alot. And they deem people who sin as worthless, disgusting human beings. 

You know as sikh people, forgiveness matters. And not thinking low of ppl. Also, maybe the reason you havent sinned yet is because you havent been tempted. Maya is very powerful, one can only escape her clutches, by the grace of God. So you have only been good, because you didn have hardships.

Also, before divorcing her, please take into consideration if the girls life will be ruined. Will anyone else want to marry her? And will she not have to hide and lie abt her divorce from you to get married again? Will this one mistake if not forgiven, make more mistakes? 

Will not you, also be known as a divorcee? 

I am not saying ruin ur life, to save the girls life. But if u leave her, do something for the girl, so she can survive. 

[Guest Consideration]

It was a lie and therefore questions the trust. However understanding the context of the situation, people in india do have many challenges and things like the case would jeprodise any hope for the families daughter. After all its an arranged marriage you both habent had time to develop trust. When you say you stayed for a month was that with her? It may not have been, so perhaps the opportunity for her to open to you will be when she leaves that house and lives with you. While shes with her parents she may have to abide by the decision to not tell you about this situation and perhaps many other things.

Whilst it is wrong, in the real world many things are kept from people. Obviously this should habe been shared as it affects her getting a passport. 

 

You could find a mutual person or family member in india to go speak to someone on their side and find out a bit more and get the details of whats going on. Or send some family to their house to disucss it. Or u and your family can make a trip to india and this may give you a chance to get through your feelings and reassure yourself everything is ok or if its not ok. In these situations its best to ensure mutual family from both sides is present and try resolve. 

 

If it is just a geniuine situation that they didnt share becos of marriage prospects and the case isnt serious then as a sikh you also need to practice compassion and forgiveness. 

 

If she is asking your forgivness then you too need to show your values. This also shows the kind of person you are to her.