Sikhs Marrying late - What is the issue

[GurjantGnostic]

6 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

I'm beginning to suspect even the most outwardly religious in our community don't actually believe in the whole "ending transmigration" deal. Very little of their deeds and demeanour suggests anything that points in that direction. 

Unfortunate. They're doing beadbi of Anand Karaj then. If they have done so. 

[MisterrSingh]

1 hour ago, GurjantGnostic said:

Unfortunate. They're doing beadbi of Anand Karaj then. If they have done so. 

I don't think it's quite as sinister as when it's something done by design. It's a general apathy. It becomes a problem when that mentality becomes an unspoken widespread assumption taken to be a self evident fact, because that's when it goes challenged. Much of these types of issues facing the Sikh community across countries have developed because there's something missing at the core of parchaar. It's more than an issue of language or translation. I'm not knocking the knowledgeable preachers. I've spent a while listening to various Sikh parcharaks, and fundamentally they are decent Sikhs doing the best according to the level of wisdom they've been blessed with. I do think the problem goes a lot deeper.

[GurjantGnostic]

2 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

I don't think it's quite as sinister as when it's something done by design. It's a general apathy. It becomes a problem when that mentality becomes an unspoken widespread assumption taken to be a self evident fact, because that's when it goes challenged. Much of these types of issues facing the Sikh community across countries have developed because there's something missing at the core of parchaar. It's more than an issue of language or translation. I'm not knocking the knowledgeable preachers. I've spent a while listening to various Sikh parcharaks, and fundamentally they are decent Sikhs doing the best according to the level of wisdom they've been blessed with. I do think the problem goes a lot deeper.

I'm sort of an unsophisticated wretch in general especially in Guri..

I guess I mean to say... isn't the point of Anand Karaj and Sikhia to get Mukte...Sanjog..?

I think you've helped me understand beadbi better...

[Big_Tera]

On 4/22/2020 at 12:12 AM, californiasardar1 said:

You guys have brought up some valid points, but are ignoring the elephant in the room:

 

Singhs have an extremely difficult time getting married

In fact, it is so difficult, that many just give up

Maybe they are being to fussy and aiming for super model. When they should go for some more suitable who is on the same level as them?

[Koi]

Bringing back to the original question, you can definitely see on the Gurdwara lists that there are many more over 30s than under, for boys and girls.

Being a guy, one of the biggest problems I've seen is caste. No matter if all the other criteria match, the caste always seems to come in the way. I honestly hope that this is wiped out before the next generation. 

Another thing I've seen is people (especially girls) being scared of commitment. They still want to "find themselves" and find someone on the "same wavelength" as them, whatever that means. It's almost as if they've got their heads in some Disneyland cloud, waiting for their prince charming or something. Real life does not work that way.

Know who you are, what you do and don't want, and what you can and can't compromise on. And draw up a criteria.

And for God's sake talk to your parents! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've come across girls who have not discussed caste or any marriage related topic with their parents. If two people start getting to know each other and build a relationship, but when the parents find out they have some kind of problem with caste etc. what you gonna do about it? Stand your ground or break the guys heart? So please get all this stuff ironed out before you play the grown up games, otherwise just sit on the side lines like the rest of the kids.

[Ranjeet01]

3 minutes ago, Koi said:

Bringing back to the original question, you can definitely see on the Gurdwara lists that there are many more over 30s than under, for boys and girls.

Being a guy, one of the biggest problems I've seen is caste. No matter if all the other criteria match, the caste always seems to come in the way. I honestly hope that this is wiped out before the next generation. 

Another thing I've seen is people (especially girls) being scared of commitment. They still want to "find themselves" and find someone on the "same wavelength" as them, whatever that means. It's almost as if they've got their heads in some Disneyland cloud, waiting for their prince charming or something. Real life does not work that way.

Know who you are, what you do and don't want, and what you can and can't compromise on. And draw up a criteria.

And for God's sake talk to your parents! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've come across girls who have not discussed caste or any marriage related topic with their parents. If two people start getting to know each other and build a relationship, but when the parents find out they have some kind of problem with caste etc. what you gonna do about it? Stand your ground or break the guys heart? So please get all this stuff ironed out before you play the grown up games, otherwise just sit on the side lines like the rest of the kids.

"Finding yourself", is a codeword for something else. It means they want to have "fun" before they "settle down". 

"Settling down" happens for girls around about 27-28 before the big 3-0.

"On the same wavelength " means something you have in common with the other person. It means you think on the same lines and you don't have to explain yourself. You are expected to just get it.

 

[MisterrSingh]

1 hour ago, Ranjeet01 said:

"On the same wavelength " means something you have in common with the other person. It means you think on the same lines and you don't have to explain yourself. You are expected to just get it.

"On the same wavelength" is also occasionally used as a polite euphemism for, "Earns as much as I do" or "Needs to be in my social class" which is a gentler way of expressing the desire to avoid social mismatches, i.e. a young female solicitor has no interest in being paired up with a brickie or a labourer, lol. 

[Ranjeet01]

11 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

"On the same wavelength" is also occasionally used as a polite euphemism for, "Earns as much as I do" or "Needs to be in my social class" which is a gentler way of expressing the desire to avoid social mismatches, i.e. a young female solicitor has no interest in being paired up with a brickie or a labourer, lol. 

Yes, it can mean that.

There should be a phrase book, so that young Singh's should know what these euphemisms actually mean.

On some matrimonial sites some people mention "innocently divorced ". What does that mean?

[MisterrSingh]

16 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

Yes, it can mean that.

There should be a phrase book, so that young Singh's should know what these euphemisms actually mean.

On some matrimonial sites some people mention "innocently divorced ". What does that mean?

I think it's a way of explaining that this person was the innocent party, or the "aggrieved" and not the troublesome instigator. It's an understandable matter to clarify, because it differentiates between a troublemaker who doesn't know how to conduct themselves (and is therefore a riskier prospect for remarriage), compared to someone who was blindsided during the initial union and had no intention of walking away from that first marriage but is now left with no choice but to agree to ending it.

[Ranjeet01]

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2007/10/in_economic_terms_you_are_a_de.html