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I just give up.


Guruguruji
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Dear sister,

Marriage has to work both ways. You are loyal, you haven't looked at another man once. You have been praying for your marriage to be saved. But commitment is needed from both sides.

If he wants a divorce then please just respect his wish and do it. Because then maybe my ardaas will come true that I wish Guru Nanak will give you a Sant for a husband! You do have faith in God, a lot of it. I read your posts, keep doing the path especially Sukhmani sahib

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On 7/3/2020 at 2:29 PM, Guruguruji said:

When I do ardas I don't ask for my husband to return I always ask waheguru ji to give me and my hubby the gift of his name so that we can have a happy ghrist jeevan.

You're right about pen ji, I'm so lucky that my parents have made me a talented individual who can manage all the roles of a house wife and have a professional well paid job. Over these past few months I've definitely developed my self worth, I know I'm a strong woman, I still haven't taken a single day off sick from work, I still haven't given up, I do not sit and cry everyday.... I'm prepared for the future, I know i can stand up, speak up and act for my rights now. It's sad I've had to learn the hard way but it's a lesson I'll never forget

I am really glad you are doing better. That you know your worth and keep striving everyday. :)

What you said about no one having the time to listen to ur priblems and emotional issues, really resonated. That is why in these times therapists and counselors are such high paying jobs. People need to pay someone to listen to them and just offer sympathy. Used to be what families and neighbors did for free.

About your hukamnamas. You should take heart that they are positive. That there is hope and Rabb is on ur side. But the hukamnama does not mean that it will solve things instantly. It takes time. Like they say, Rabb de Ghar Der Hai Per Haner Nahi. Meaning it takes time but God doesnt abandon ppl who believe in him. Also your adaas is pretty big. You not only want your husmand back but stronger and more into naam. That will take time. He has to fight his anxiety, relatives, doubt etc to become a better person.

So now that you know, that the outcome will be positive, but you dont know how long its gonna take or when its gonna happen. What will you do? You can either have faith and say God has said to me again and again that my marriage will be saved so i will believe him and not torture myself with imaginings. Just have faith and try to enjoy life. Or you can keep being in doubt and keep asking for more hukamnameh, which you wont believe and will keep taking new ones. And be in unsettled stressful mindset. 

All will be well. God has stated. So why not enjoy life. Leave the hows and why to him

 Our mind is tricky. It wont be quiet and restful. So try simran and meditation. And try CBT, which is cognitive behavior therapy that if you control your thoughts you can control your behavior. For example, if you stop having sad thoughts you will stop crying and being depressed.

So what you do is whenever a negative though comes. You push it out of you mind and refuse to think it. And take ur mind to other directions . You can also wear a rubber band and snap it on your wrist so that it hurts when negative thoughts come. To train your mind not to go there. 

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On 7/3/2020 at 10:29 PM, Guruguruji said:

Thank you pen ji, I know I sound very needy and I feel quite embarrassed at times that I'm blurting my personal life on a forum. I really apologise to the sangat, my hubby and our families. I guess I'm just desperate for answers. 

I totally agree pen ji, if I had a friend going through my situation I'd say the same. It's my mind, I watched at lot of law of attraction videos, I listened to saakhis I.e. matha sulkhani ji, Mata Ganga ji. I also read and listed to real life experiences where people shared how with the support of gurbani their problems were resolved. I've spent the past few months reading books like the power of ardas, qualities of sukhmani sahib.....these things have built a strong hope in my mind. 

My mind will say yes my husband's gone off track but that doesn't mean I wash my hands off him and begin wishing for another one. If I had a child who went off track, I would pray for him not just get rid of him and wish for another better child.

The way we were brought up was very traditional and everything was always about when we got married. I just don't understand how I failed. I still love my husband and I know for a fact he didn't have a black heart but I just don't understand what happened. I feel so impure and disgusting ?

If my ardas brings back my husband then I will know that I have a golden key, no matter what problem I'll face I know I have the solution . I'll know 'sab te vadda satgur nanak jin kar rakhi meri. I also know that if waheguru brings my husband back that he won't bring back a messed up individual, he'll bring him back as a strong individual. When I do ardas I don't ask for my husband to return I always ask waheguru ji to give me and my hubby the gift of his name so that we can have a happy ghrist jeevan.

You're right about pen ji, I'm so lucky that my parents have made me a talented individual who can manage all the roles of a house wife and have a professional well paid job. Over these past few months I've definitely developed my self worth, I know I'm a strong woman, I still haven't taken a single day off sick from work, I still haven't given up, I do not sit and cry everyday.... I'm prepared for the future, I know i can stand up, speak up and act for my rights now. It's sad I've had to learn the hard way but it's a lesson I'll never forget

I don't know what anyone can say to me to fix my mind.

You don’t need to be sorry :) 

I missed what actually happened and the reason for your breakup, but I doubt you need to feel disgusting. Can you write a letter to him and get all your feelings out? Will that help give you some form of closure? 

Are you in England? It’s probably harder right now due to the lockdown. Once everything opens up and you can do whatever it is you would normally do to keep your mind busy hopefully you will feel a lot better. 

 

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Wow! This is absolutely terrible! None of it makes sense. The coward should atleast give you a proper explanation. Are you sure he doesn't already have someone on the side?  What kind of people are the family, religious? And the friends who were there? Who the hell videos this situation?
Where did he go when you posted the flowers? 
It seems to me that the inlaws know the truth as to what was going on but felt bad themselves. However it could be that like you said, they made him get married, it wasn’t something he wanted.

I feel very bad for you. I’ve heard two stories like this before, one the guy already had a Caucasian girlfriend on the side, and this poor wife had moved from UK to Canada to find out. The other he one similar was where the man was actually gay. This sort of stuff doesn’t just happen for no reason, no one in their right mind would get married, and ruin their own life and another persons unless it was a reason that was very big to them.  
 

I don’t think he’s going to change his mind or come back if I’m honest. It doesn’t sound like he was inlove with you in the first place and I’m so sorry to have that opinion.


Anxiety is difficult, but it doesn’t make you treat people like this. Also have to think about the cause of the anxiety/depression. Sounds like he is hiding something. Was he ever romantic or all over you? If not, then he’s gay and they all know. 


 

 

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14 hours ago, Guruguruji said:

Waheguru ? he was at his grand dad's house as it's near his workplace, tbh they should've sent him back home and told him to take responsibility. They actually fueled the situation with the whole 'pati parmeshwar' notion which I'm not against I adore my husband, after all this is still can put my hand on my heart and say I love him but that doesn't mean the husband has no duty towards the wife. I.e. bhagat kabir jis wife treated him like God and bhagat ji loved his wife so much that today her name is in gurbani.

The family is very religious the grandad is part of a big Sikh organisation in the UK. We're both amritdhari.

Pen ji mistakes happen, people mess up, if my in laws sat there as told me and my husband that we both need to sort this out together and find a way out we probably could've had a strong relationship. Good times don't make a couple unbreakable it is the bad times as you learn to stick together, you learn to give and take. I wouldn't even have minded if they sat be down and gave me a good telling off if I did something wrong, I'm not perfect but I'm ready to learn and improve. 

I've never been in a relationship before so I don't know what love is like... before we were married he sent me some nice gifts on Valentine's day, he used write some cute msgs on the cards etc. He did seem decent, he taught me about guru gobind Singh jis bachan for couples, he explained to me how we're a gift from god to each other and how our laavan are like our amrit sanchaar and should never be broken. My heart still loves him, I do feel deep down he was decent but the fact that he preached all this and his actions have been the total opposite. 

My heart always says that guru sahib wouldn't play around with laavan, I'm sure we were made fo each other but I just don't know what happened. ?? can I ever believe in the power of laavan or ardas again if this marriage ends? I know I sound like a bad Sikh but these r my thoughts right now

If the grandad is okay to talk to then may be ask him or get your parents to ask him what’s going on as you haven’t got an answer for some closure.

I guess all you can do other wise now is do your path and simran, and say everything is up to you to Maharaj. Leave it to him to keep you where he wants.
 

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Hope you are feeling slightly better. 
You’re only really going to step back and stop feeling all these emotions when you let go of the relationship. Let go, and if it’s meant to be you’ll change your feelings and it will work out. But for now you need to tell yourself you don’t want to be with him if he’s like this towards you. Write a gratitude diary every night, note 5 things that you appreciated that happened in that day. Although I would say simran is normally the way forward, I’m assuming thatvyou can’t focus? So maybe some daily positive affirmations will help you?

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