I am stuck and really need someone to guide me

[kaur]

I agree with learning Kaur.. this is just a play..

Once I was listening to Sant Maskeen ji's katha in which he was talking about this infinite life and changing forms.

We had many lives before this life...many partners.. Aisey ghar hum bahut vasayey..

Now it is time to understand that this all is temporary.. At the end, it is not about others.. It is about you and Waheguru..

Time to attach ourselves with Naam Simran and that will automatically detach us from all kind of worries and anxieties..

I understand it bothers a lot and I have been through this.. I used to get up in the morning with anxieties..having sleepless nights and worrying so much about the future.

It is getting better with naam simran.. it is the only way to find our inner peace..

We will always have some issues in life anyway..We can't leave everything..we can't stop living..

 Naam Simran is there to guide us...to handle these issues gracefully..

It definitely made me stronger, patient and humble.. I am grateful.. Eh vee Daat teri Dataar..

And talking about partner's character.. nobody likes to take orders.. She won't simply do it because you think it is right or wrong..

You just need to live your life right and eventually she will see how it benefits you... she will understand about right and wrong when she will see you in peace and joyful.. and it is just a hope that she will learn soon...again please don't get attached to it so much...

We get so attached with our partners and completely forget about our actual purpose..

I still get those anxiety attacks and it is not that easy.. but one reminder is all we need that Waheguru was there with us...Waheguru is within us and will always be there for us 

WAHEGURU

[kaur]

....

[kaur]

6 hours ago, Not2Cool2Argue said:

Just list out the pros and cons. 

Cons

1. You continue in this relationship. Having doubts and anxiety all your life. Not trusting ur wife. Will she stay faithful? She is unwilling to control herself, how long will she refrain from her bad habits of talking to guys. 

2. You are wiser now. So if you decide to remarry, you wont be fooled by appearances. You will look at virtues not kakaars that adorn the person. Internal rehit of abstaining from vikaar and pleasures vs external rehit

3. You divorce her and become a tyagi bairagi. Give up on this false world. And lead a life of bhagti and the only reason you work is to support your parents. And  once that duty is fulfilled, you give ur life for the panth in a spectacular shaheedi (might i suggest a grandstand against the taliban in afghanistan?) 

 

 

Pros

1. You continue the marriage. Because whats the guarantee ur next wife wont be the same. The only way to know for sure is to date someone for years and live with them beforw marriage. Which is against sikhi. Better the rotten apple you know. Or ur gonna have to marry someone u know from ur close circle or get someone to guarantee (bhar jaman) abt her lifestyle and ethics. 

3. We are all human. Someday you may also fall off the wagon. Or get bored and want to experience life on cruises, attend relatives parties (without alcohol ofc) own a liquor store, small lapses in rehit.  Which a strict amritdhari wont overlook. Atleast she wont judge you

4. You get serious about this relationship. Which means being honest that you cant trust her. Ur disgusted. And wearing a dumala while listening to bad panjabi songs and talking to guys is wrong. (Perhaps have her transition to s wearing a patka under chunni over ladybun?)  That she has to be honest about her intentions towards you and sikhi. Cant continue to use both to hide her bad karam. Either her kartoota change or her deceitful appearance and marriage. Tell her, if she cant change to accommodate the vows she made to you and sikhi, then you cant change for her either. She has to adapt or go. 

5. Be forgiving. Maya is strong after all. And kaam the strongest. In youth most fall prey to it. Continue with ir own jeevan. After all, noone minds if other family members aren't into sikhi. Like parents, siblings etc. So if wife isnt, oh well. Its just another relative. And in the end we go alone and alone do we save ourselves. Wives, sisters, brothers, are all our relations due to karma debt. It would be nice to have a spiritually stronger spouse who can help us on the path and walk besides us. But dreams rarely come true. And you can take ur role of being the spiritually stronger person in the household more gladly. You can raise you children better. (Although having one lenient parent always affects the kids. But atleast that will make them balanced kids. Not overly spiritual and naive. And they wont be fooled into thinking outer appearance = level of sikhi. )

7. As a divorcee ur value on the marriage market will drop. Unless u go to india to get an even more materialistic and morally corrupt wife. Or u might settle with another pragmatic divorcee who also knows to judge a spouse on virtue and needs total honesty before jumping in with both feet again. 

 

 

Well said...strong points..

[Koi]

On 8/16/2020 at 3:41 AM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

what she did before you met her is her past. It's not something you can or should judge her for. We all have ups and downs in life, and make plenty of mistakes along the way, but that's life. I'd hate for someone to judge me on a mistake I made before I'd even met them. I'm not saying it's easy or black and white, but as long as her past is in the past i.e. she's not talking to this guy or other guys, then you can begin to put that to rest.

As far as other things go, listening to music or whatever, these things can be discussed and worked out. These are very small things and nothing to get anxious over. A song is just a song. If you cut out all the Punjabi songs that had references to Jatt in them, you wouldn't have much of a Punjabi music industry left. 

But the most important thing is that you can 100% get through this. Trust me, you can do it. Talk to your wife without getting emotional. Have a good long think about what you want to say, and then talk it out. None if what you've said is grounds for even considering divorce! 

You got this

[Kaurr]

37 minutes ago, Koi said:

what she did before you met her is her past. It's not something you can or should judge her for. We all have ups and downs in life, and make plenty of mistakes along the way, but that's life. I'd hate for someone to judge me on a mistake I made before I'd even met them. I'm not saying it's easy or black and white, but as long as her past is in the past i.e. she's not talking to this guy or other guys, then you can begin to put that to rest.

Well said.

If someone is admitting what they did in the past was wrong and wants to be different and has learnt from their mistake, they deserve a second chance.

[puzzled]

Yeah but this lady never told him about her previous relationships when he asked her before they got married, that's the problem here. She lied to him, why? What if he didnt want to marry anyone who has been in previous relationships. 

Imagine marrying someone and then realizing they are not what they said they were. 

I don't personally want to marry someone who has had s3x before marriage, i find that disgusting, repulsive. so she/people should be honest about that ... 

People who don't have a problem with getting married to someone who has a past then that is fine, but people who don't want to marry someone with a past like that then the other person should be honest. 

Simple as ... 

[Ranjeet01]

40 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Yeah but this lady never told him about her previous relationships when he asked her before they got married, that's the problem here. She lied to him, why? What if he didnt want to marry anyone who has been in previous relationships. 

Imagine marrying someone and then realizing they are not what they said they were. 

I don't personally want to marry someone who has had s3x before marriage, i find that disgusting, repulsive. so she/people should be honest about that ... 

People who don't have a problem with getting married to someone who has a past then that is fine, bit people who don't want to marry someone with a past like that then the other people should be honest. 

Simple as ... 

Reading the previous posts.

From what can be gathered is that the fact this Amritdhari girl being pre-maritally involved knew perfectly that there should she had revealed her past would have meant that she would be rejected. 

Women generally lie by omission. (Sexist uncomfortable truth)

For this guy, it seems there are 2 factors.

First factor, is that there is a trust issue. If this girl was not totally open about this, what else could she be omitting and lying about. 

Second factor, as a man biologically it does disgust him (uncomfortable sexist truth) because it means she has baggage. Also subconsciously he knows in the back of his head, he was not her first choice and that no matter how dutiful a husband he would be, he would always be second place. 

This maybe seen as misogynist but this is the truth.

[puzzled]

1 hour ago, Ranjeet01 said:

Reading the previous posts.

From what can be gathered is that the fact this Amritdhari girl being pre-maritally involved knew perfectly that there should she had revealed her past would have meant that she would be rejected. 

Women generally lie by omission. (Sexist uncomfortable truth)

For this guy, it seems there are 2 factors.

First factor, is that there is a trust issue. If this girl was not totally open about this, what else could she be omitting and lying about. 

Second factor, as a man biologically it does disgust him (uncomfortable sexist truth) because it means she has baggage. Also subconsciously he knows in the back of his head, he was not her first choice and that no matter how dutiful a husband he would be, he would always be second place. 

This maybe seen as misogynist but this is the truth.

I agree absolutely. This is going to eat the brother away for the rest of his life. Why did she lie? And if she did what else is she lying about? Was it just the hindu guy?  Why did she lie?

Personally, as a man, being with a woman who has already been with others is just disgusting for me. Its against my belief and values. As a man I cant have that.

Its fine if a person hasn't got a issue with that, but I do. The idea of being intimate with someone who already has been intimate is just off putting for me! Touching someone who has been touched before, sticking my stuff into something which has already had many stuck into it in the past is just disgusting. 

People have their fun, men and women, and then they want to settle with the decent person. 

Just couple of days back a lady who is our family friend, told us how her brother in India had a rishta but he keeps on refusing it. His parents kept pressuring him into it because the females from a "good family" . Their not from a pind but from a shahr, so the boy went around the shahr asking about the girl, and it turned out shes been with every bittu, bunty and sunny in the shahr, including with her own chachas son!  He himself is a really decent guy and he got angry and said that they all mess around first and then want to settle with the decent guy. 

People need to be more smart, a little "field research" wont hurt! 

[DelhiTurbanator]

18 minutes ago, puzzled said:

I agree absolutely. This is going to eat the brother away for the rest of his life. Why did she lie? And if she did what else is she lying about? Was it just the hindu guy?  Why did she lie?

Personally, as a man, being with a woman who has already been with others is just disgusting for me. Its against my belief and values. As a man I cant have that.

Its fine if a person hasn't got a issue with that, but I do. The idea of being intimate with someone who already has been intimate is just off putting for me! Touching someone who has been touched before, sticking my stuff into something which has already had many stuck into in the past is just disgusting. 

People have their fun, men and women, and then they want to settle with the decent person. 

Just couple of days back a lady who is our family friend, told us how her brother in India had a rishta but he keeps on refusing it. His parents kept pressuring him into it because the females from a "good family" . Their not from a pind but from a shahr, so the boy went around the shahr asking about the girl, and it turned out shes been with every bittu, buntty and sunny in the shahr, including with her own chachas son!  He himself is a really decent guy and he got angry and said that they all mess around first and then want to settle with the decent guy. 

People need to be more smart, a little "field research" wont hurt! 

Well said bro. Completely agreed! As we have discussed before, gursikh guys from sheltered families are very gullible and are easily manipulated by fake characterless dastaar wearing sikh women. These type of women know the weakness of amritdhari men and trap them in marriage.

 

If I were this sikh guy in question, I would immediately divorce this girl and make sure her parents know that why I divorced her(so that she doesn't trap another innocent Sikh man).

 

Let these incidents be a lesson to those gursikh men who specifically look for amritdhari dastaar women......I just wanna say guys, get a life! Stop judging a woman based on her appearance. There are non sikh women that do not have sikhi swaroop but they are very decent and don't engage in pre marital sex by choice. I have amazing Hindu/Muslim female classmates who fit this criteria. I would definitely choose them as a life partner over a sikh woman that sleeps around and later confesses her mistakes to gain brownie points that everyone deseves a second chance. The sangat that supports this "second chance" thing have really low moral values. There is saying in india "Sau chuhe maarke billi haj ko chali"(Cat goes on a pilgrimage after eating hundreds of mice). Dear sangat who are still in favour of this bs "everyone deserves second chance" let me remind you that Guru Har rai sahib ji didn't give his second chance when he tried to alter gurbaani. Anti sikh activities have no place in sikhi.

[jkvlondon]

On 8/16/2020 at 3:41 AM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

Waheguru ji Ka Khalsa , Waheguru ji ki fateh,

we cannot change the past but we can be forewarned by it , so tread carefully and take Guru ji's sahara ; if she had amrit after this incident that means Guru ji has accepted her provided she keeps rehit . The fact that she didn't tell you may have been advice given to her by elders to not drag her baggage into the current relationship or her decision , we can all guess but only you can ask her her why she concealed her past . What I do not accept is her current attitude of behaving like some flirty singleton , you are perfectly within your rights to demand she act like a married woman and not bring disgrace onto your name . As Veer ji suggested sukhmani sahib will help immensely as it will change the atmosphere both in your home and self .  For the anxiety build up your chaupai sahibs it will steady your heart and confidence .

whether she is strong in rehit or not concentrate on yours, that's the only real thing that you can do and leave it to Guru ji