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Guest singh.vanco

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

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After reading this entire bs I can only say that I don't think I even need to explain why you're wrong. This is the result of pseudo feminism brainwashing that has been already discussed. Am sorry but

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa Vaheguru ji ki fateh  Veerji,the only advice I can give u is that you do 1 sukhmani sahib path during Amritvela.I can guarantee you within 40 days,your wife will follow full

That just made me anxious reading it!  that's some scary stuff right there.  I would personally dump her and send her packing to her parents house and tell her parents the reason why.  that's not a small lie at all, it would make me really paranoid.

I really feel for the brother who asked the question. I'm already on edge with everything happening with me, something like that would just end everything thing. 

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Guest Sensible
On 8/16/2020 at 3:41 AM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh

I am an amritdhari singh and I got married to an amritdhari dumala tying girl just 6 months ago. I consider myself a beginner in terms of sikhism and I got baptised just a year ago and still trying to adapt. However, I am always trying to be better sikh. Anyways, coming back to my marriage, first couple of months were great. However, after that, I got to know about my wife's previous relationship which ended few years ago as she said the guy was abusive and did not trust her. At that time, she was not baptised and the guy was a hindu. But the fact that she did not talked about this before our marriage has really left an impact on me. Even after she getting baptised, she used to talk <banned word filter activated> with some guys, although she says she was never with anyone physically after that relationship. This whole incident has affected me badly and now I am going through anxiety and depression. Every few days, I find a reason or go back in past and have arguments. It gets so bad that I keep thinking about ending my life. The fact that I married an amritdhari girl and then I learn about all this really makes me wonder what god has planned for me and what should I believe in anymore. Just yesterday, she was listening to some punjabi song that had alcohol reference and I told her to not listen to such songs but she said she can't change herself because of me and that if I wanted to control, I should have married someone else.
Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.
I don't want to disclose her past to anyone in the family, so can't even talk to anyone. That's why I am here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

She must be cheating on the previous  guy that’s why he didn’t trust her. May be she is a habitual liar or something! There is definitely something wrong here. If she is young, like in her twenties, then she is probably been experimenting a lot.  Do you know, I have seen a few of these turbaned women and their behaviour is nowhere near enough to be described as respectful or decent. They come across as very cheap women. I don’t know what is it about them. Their body language and their actions don’t seem right to me. Yeh, why is she listening to punjabi songs that make references to alcohol, sex or flirtations! Why is she listening to punjabi i songs in the first place? They are not any better then the Bollywood or Pop songs. They are plain filth. Their lyrics and tunes are so disgustingly cheap and full of degrading innuendos that no one in their right minds would like to listen to. 
 

No, no and no again. You don’t love each other at all. You my friend are infatuated with her and she knows it. She is using you to continue with her horrible  behaviour to annoy you. Infatuation is a very bad thing. She means it when she says she is not going to change herself because of you! She is trying to change you instead. I hope she is not a secret drinker! She is probably trying to change you by introducing these kinds of songs so you will loose your focus on becoming a good sikh. Drinking is horrible, and songs that relate to it should be declared as criminal. There is nothing pretty or clever or romantic about drinking. It is sh** even if it is only sung about or expressed in many different poetic meters or verses or rhyming couplets. 

Put the past behind you and move forward by speaking to your parents and in-laws. They might be able to sort it out for you. Be strong don’t loose confidence. 

 

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On 8/15/2020 at 7:41 PM, Guest singh.vanco said:

Having said that, we both love each other very much, at least when I am not having anxiety attacks. But I don't know what to do now. It seems like we have different ideologies when it comes to sikhism even though we are both amritdhari. I can't get out of depression and keep going back in past and this is ruining my life and my marriage. No matter how much I try to live in present, somehow I end up in same painful spot. I don't want to be bad sikh, but I am really struggling and don't know what to do.

Just list out the pros and cons. 

Cons

1. You continue in this relationship. Having doubts and anxiety all your life. Not trusting ur wife. Will she stay faithful? She is unwilling to control herself, how long will she refrain from her bad habits of talking to guys. 

2. You are wiser now. So if you decide to remarry, you wont be fooled by appearances. You will look at virtues not kakaars that adorn the person. Internal rehit of abstaining from vikaar and pleasures vs external rehit

3. You divorce her and become a tyagi bairagi. Give up on this false world. And lead a life of bhagti and the only reason you work is to support your parents. And  once that duty is fulfilled, you give ur life for the panth in a spectacular shaheedi (might i suggest a grandstand against the taliban in afghanistan?) 

 

 

Pros

1. You continue the marriage. Because whats the guarantee ur next wife wont be the same. The only way to know for sure is to date someone for years and live with them beforw marriage. Which is against sikhi. Better the rotten apple you know. Or ur gonna have to marry someone u know from ur close circle or get someone to guarantee (bhar jaman) abt her lifestyle and ethics. 

3. We are all human. Someday you may also fall off the wagon. Or get bored and want to experience life on cruises, attend relatives parties (without alcohol ofc) own a liquor store, small lapses in rehit.  Which a strict amritdhari wont overlook. Atleast she wont judge you

4. You get serious about this relationship. Which means being honest that you cant trust her. Ur disgusted. And wearing a dumala while listening to bad panjabi songs and talking to guys is wrong. (Perhaps have her transition to s wearing a patka under chunni over ladybun?)  That she has to be honest about her intentions towards you and sikhi. Cant continue to use both to hide her bad karam. Either her kartoota change or her deceitful appearance and marriage. Tell her, if she cant change to accommodate the vows she made to you and sikhi, then you cant change for her either. She has to adapt or go. 

5. Be forgiving. Maya is strong after all. And kaam the strongest. In youth most fall prey to it. Continue with ir own jeevan. After all, noone minds if other family members aren't into sikhi. Like parents, siblings etc. So if wife isnt, oh well. Its just another relative. And in the end we go alone and alone do we save ourselves. Wives, sisters, brothers, are all our relations due to karma debt. It would be nice to have a spiritually stronger spouse who can help us on the path and walk besides us. But dreams rarely come true. And you can take ur role of being the spiritually stronger person in the household more gladly. You can raise you children better. (Although having one lenient parent always affects the kids. But atleast that will make them balanced kids. Not overly spiritual and naive. And they wont be fooled into thinking outer appearance = level of sikhi. )

7. As a divorcee ur value on the marriage market will drop. Unless u go to india to get an even more materialistic and morally corrupt wife. Or u might settle with another pragmatic divorcee who also knows to judge a spouse on virtue and needs total honesty before jumping in with both feet again. 

 

 

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Guest Acceptingitaswill

Shes felt the need to open up and be completely truthful to you so theres nothing hidden beyween you.

I think someone needs to be pretty comfortable to tell that sort of thing. So clearly shes too wants to confess anything that she didnt earlier.

 

She may never do that sorta thung again and may now be on track but your thoughts and anxiety will destroy her? 

 

Why judge her so much. Why not adopt the qaulity of pati parmesher and giv her a chance and forgive. And totally clear this off your mind. 

Guru is bakshanhar  

U cant go back and stop thinking the world is pure and relationships dnt happen. Were human and mistakes happen more often than not.

 

Remember its your ego at play in most of this.

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I agree with learning Kaur.. this is just a play..

Once I was listening to Sant Maskeen ji's katha in which he was talking about this infinite life and changing forms.

We had many lives before this life...many partners.. Aisey ghar hum bahut vasayey..

Now it is time to understand that this all is temporary.. At the end, it is not about others.. It is about you and Waheguru..

Time to attach ourselves with Naam Simran and that will automatically detach us from all kind of worries and anxieties..

I understand it bothers a lot and I have been through this.. I used to get up in the morning with anxieties..having sleepless nights and worrying so much about the future.

It is getting better with naam simran.. it is the only way to find our inner peace..

We will always have some issues in life anyway..We can't leave everything..we can't stop living..

 Naam Simran is there to guide us...to handle these issues gracefully..

It definitely made me stronger, patient and humble.. I am grateful.. Eh vee Daat teri Dataar..

And talking about partner's character.. nobody likes to take orders.. She won't simply do it because you think it is right or wrong..

You just need to live your life right and eventually she will see how it benefits you... she will understand about right and wrong when she will see you in peace and joyful.. and it is just a hope that she will learn soon...again please don't get attached to it so much...

We get so attached with our partners and completely forget about our actual purpose..

I still get those anxiety attacks and it is not that easy.. but one reminder is all we need that Waheguru was there with us...Waheguru is within us and will always be there for us :)

WAHEGURU

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6 hours ago, Not2Cool2Argue said:

Just list out the pros and cons. 

Cons

1. You continue in this relationship. Having doubts and anxiety all your life. Not trusting ur wife. Will she stay faithful? She is unwilling to control herself, how long will she refrain from her bad habits of talking to guys. 

2. You are wiser now. So if you decide to remarry, you wont be fooled by appearances. You will look at virtues not kakaars that adorn the person. Internal rehit of abstaining from vikaar and pleasures vs external rehit

3. You divorce her and become a tyagi bairagi. Give up on this false world. And lead a life of bhagti and the only reason you work is to support your parents. And  once that duty is fulfilled, you give ur life for the panth in a spectacular shaheedi (might i suggest a grandstand against the taliban in afghanistan?) 

 

 

Pros

1. You continue the marriage. Because whats the guarantee ur next wife wont be the same. The only way to know for sure is to date someone for years and live with them beforw marriage. Which is against sikhi. Better the rotten apple you know. Or ur gonna have to marry someone u know from ur close circle or get someone to guarantee (bhar jaman) abt her lifestyle and ethics. 

3. We are all human. Someday you may also fall off the wagon. Or get bored and want to experience life on cruises, attend relatives parties (without alcohol ofc) own a liquor store, small lapses in rehit.  Which a strict amritdhari wont overlook. Atleast she wont judge you

4. You get serious about this relationship. Which means being honest that you cant trust her. Ur disgusted. And wearing a dumala while listening to bad panjabi songs and talking to guys is wrong. (Perhaps have her transition to s wearing a patka under chunni over ladybun?)  That she has to be honest about her intentions towards you and sikhi. Cant continue to use both to hide her bad karam. Either her kartoota change or her deceitful appearance and marriage. Tell her, if she cant change to accommodate the vows she made to you and sikhi, then you cant change for her either. She has to adapt or go. 

5. Be forgiving. Maya is strong after all. And kaam the strongest. In youth most fall prey to it. Continue with ir own jeevan. After all, noone minds if other family members aren't into sikhi. Like parents, siblings etc. So if wife isnt, oh well. Its just another relative. And in the end we go alone and alone do we save ourselves. Wives, sisters, brothers, are all our relations due to karma debt. It would be nice to have a spiritually stronger spouse who can help us on the path and walk besides us. But dreams rarely come true. And you can take ur role of being the spiritually stronger person in the household more gladly. You can raise you children better. (Although having one lenient parent always affects the kids. But atleast that will make them balanced kids. Not overly spiritual and naive. And they wont be fooled into thinking outer appearance = level of sikhi. )

7. As a divorcee ur value on the marriage market will drop. Unless u go to india to get an even more materialistic and morally corrupt wife. Or u might settle with another pragmatic divorcee who also knows to judge a spouse on virtue and needs total honesty before jumping in with both feet again. 

 

 

Well said...strong points..

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