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Unhappily married


Guest Feeling defeated

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On 12/27/2020 at 1:10 PM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

Am I meant to just accept this is my hukam based on my own karma and keep quiet and deal with it? It’s hard to even have a good mind myself when I am with someone who jus always provoking me.

Sorry to hear about your condition. I do not know what the answer / solution to your problem is. However, some men can be like that provoking the wife unnecessarily. You are right and correct about not divorcing. All I can say is to do an Ardas from sachey dillo. If you want you can direct PM me and I can help you out. 

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Behave yourself. She's a married woman regardless of what's going on in her personal life. No need for PM.

There is no reason for any person having marital struggles to direct PM you.  You've barely been here a month. Don't try this c$%ap on here.

I have sisters and cousins who as westerners have married indians. So please share ur advice openly. I think it can help a lot of people.  There is a big cultural difference. Like i know an india

On 12/31/2020 at 2:55 PM, Guest guest said:

instead of trying to change him, try and understand him.  have some humility and stop demanding things from him.

concentrate on your own flaws- why are you so bothered by him?  say he is not emotionally supportive- so what?  why do you demand emotional support from him?  get it from God.

your nitnem and Amrit vela are your private thing to show respect for God.  its not a 'bribe' to make things go your way.

Not a very positive thing to say to someone going through hard times. 

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On 1/1/2021 at 2:10 PM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

 

it’s not a flaw to expect a husband to be a husband. Especially if born in a western country in the 80s. Everyone’s educated to a level to know what being kind is. You live together you need to get on and atleast be there for one another. Especially in times like covid when you have no other company. What is your actual dictionary meaning of marriage as I’m really surprised by your response.
 

demanding things? I feel like I’ve hit a nerve in your own personal life and your making assumptions for me. 
 

I don’t do Amrit vela for a bribe (not even sure what the bribe your are suggesting is?) I do it because Waheguru is my strength and has removed any mental health problems I was feeling as a result of this marriage. I do it because I want to go to him and not be reincarnated and come back to this. I do it because it’s what my Soul and Waheguru want me to do. 
What I was trying to say Incase I need to reiterate it for your- I’m trying to better my own mind but it’s difficult when the other person isn’t. For example I don’t want to argue but he does and will and won’t stop until there is one. I guess I just have to accept i was probably really bad to him in my past life. 

Nice post. You are correct about Western Countries. In my opinion no one from India should marry a western born. This might sound stereotypical, but I have seen to many broken marriages, divorces. Anyways lets not get your hopes down. 

The one poster who said about bribing ignore him/her. 

Do your Amrit Vela and ask Guru ji ... make an ardaas everyday, all the time throughout the day and while you sleep. Ardas has more power and it can solve all problems.

If you don't mind , may I ask which country you are living in ? is it UK? Were you born in India and married to a UK guy? We can private talk. 

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27 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Behave yourself. She's a married woman regardless of what's going on in her personal life. No need for PM.

To You: Nevermind --- "Just ignore the criticism --Wahegurooooo"

Bhenji, Please feel free to direct PM, if you want to discuss in more detail and only if you are comfortable. I have seen several couples go through similar situation as yours, this is why I feel direct PM will be better. The positive is that many do come out of it and many marriages like these are resolved on their own time and remain happily married. In worse cases divorce happens. 

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Guest Guest678
On 12/31/2020 at 3:55 PM, Guest guest said:

instead of trying to change him, try and understand him.  have some humility and stop demanding things from him.

concentrate on your own flaws- why are you so bothered by him?  say he is not emotionally supportive- so what?  why do you demand emotional support from him?  get it from God.

your nitnem and Amrit vela are your private thing to show respect for God.  its not a 'bribe' to make things go your way.

I don’t if there’s a language barrier going on here, but OP is in no way demanding anything. OP is a human being and if she is being disrespected, then she’s allowed to voice her concerns. She’s allowed to be safe and happy. If she starts being abused or a victim of domestic violence, she’s allowed to question, to raise her voice, to leave. 

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Guest Saying it as it is

Hello Sister, I have to say that I feel for your situation but please be rest assured that your faith in Waheguru will prove to be fruitful for your own mental health and in turn that of your children. The act of a mother is to be selfless so put your own needs of support from your husband to the side and concentrate on the well being of your beautiful gift(s)- your child(ren).

When a women decides to have children, she does so understanding the environment that she will be bringing her children in. That is why most women wait to have children to see the environment and make a decision as appropriate. You have made your decision. So take care of your gifts as they are the precious jewels that will not only be a reflection of you but will be contributing to this society through their actions and one day as partners of another. Teach them well.

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On 1/24/2021 at 3:07 PM, singhsince1981 said:

To You: Nevermind --- "Just ignore the criticism --Wahegurooooo"

Bhenji, Please feel free to direct PM, if you want to discuss in more detail and only if you are comfortable. I have seen several couples go through similar situation as yours, this is why I feel direct PM will be better. The positive is that many do come out of it and many marriages like these are resolved on their own time and remain happily married. In worse cases divorce happens. 

I have sisters and cousins who as westerners have married indians. So please share ur advice openly. I think it can help a lot of people. 

There is a big cultural difference. Like i know an indian women and her only condition upon marriage was that yhe husband not yell or humiliate her in front of people. If he wants to yell her or hit her he can do so in private.

I was shocked. As a westerner that is such a low standard. Most women here would expect the husband to he constantly asking about their welfare and being kind. And showing his appreciation through gifts and helping with the housework.

I think indian women have low expectations and know they are getting another relative/relation which will be filled with problems.

Also to the OP. There was a divorce lawyer i think. She believed divorce was was good. But after years of getting women to divorce, she realized she had made a mistake. She wrote a book about it and said the only reason divorce should be done is abuse, and adultery. Because the women were always worse off after divorce. They would not find a better person to marry. And being a single mom is hard.

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8 minutes ago, Not2Cool2Argue said:

Also to the OP. There was a divorce lawyer i think. She believed divorce was was good. But after years of getting women to divorce, she realized she had made a mistake. She wrote a book about it and said the only reason divorce should be done is abuse, and adultery. Because the women were always worse off after divorce. They would not find a better person to marry. And being a single mom is hard.

Totally Agree on that. 

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Guest An opinion

I feel like some people on this post are being really hard on you. You're in a really difficult situation and I feel like that can happen to anyone. I feel like the advice just do Paat or Gurbani and everything will work out isn't completely accurate advice. Gurbani will only change a person when they themselves want to change, or when it's written into their Destiny by Mahraaj themselves. 

No one should tolerate rude and disrespectful behaviour. It's just not acceptable. It might be possible for you to set particular boundaries with your husband, especially since you have children too. But I think the best thing to do would be to honestly consult with yourself and see whether his behaviour is really something you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life. 

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On 1/22/2021 at 10:09 AM, Guest Guest Kaur said:

Wjkk wjkf Bhaji, 

sorry I am somewhat unclear on what you are trying to say. I understand in marriage comes compromise. I’m not disputing that at all. I very much agree. 
 

The part that is puzzling me is your comments about happiness, happiness comes from within? How does this relate to my comments, to be clear I’m not the original poster. 

 

 

 

wjkk wjkf bhenji

I was just trying to motivate the original poster and yourself. I was just trying to say about the current situation that you guys are in it and obviously its not a pleasant situation but it is what it is. lets just accept it and try and find happiness for yourself and you have a total control on your mind and we can't change someone's mind. so please be strong and do your nitnem and ardaas.

one more thing( its only my opinion):-  please start or set up a short term goals month by month and deal with them (with Guru ji"s blessings), because due to current situation, you might be seeing your life is just stuck with it. so please don't go too far thinking about it just concentrate on current situation (daily basis and monthly) and try and achieve it with ardaas.

I am sure Guru ji will do kirpa soon. and many brothers and sisters are here for you, you are blessed with Guru Ji's big family.

bhul chuk maaf ji.  

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Guest Feeling deflated

Thank you everyone for taking the time out to reply to me. 
 

A lot of you are right, although I agree with what  Guest An Opinion said that he probably won’t completely change unless he has that kirpa himself. However I will continue to do Ardas. 

I need to strengthen my own mind and control my own panj chor so that what ever he does doesn’t affect me. Today for example he was on about how he wants to cut our sons hair. It’s obvious something like that would annoy and upset me but yet he does it anyway even though he knows I’m not going to cut it, it’s like to fulfil his boredom and for a reaction. 
 

My children are amazing and have become my sangat. I wished I had a partner who was my sangat but Waheguru has made my children be it. I have to remember the blessings he has given me.

 

P.S I am from the UK, we both are.

I suppose if I had that Bollywood love story I stupidly believed would happen growing up, it would have just been an obstacle between myself and my true love Waheguru. This way everything is clearer.

 

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On 01/02/2021 at 7:19 PM, Guest Feeling deflated said:

I suppose if I had that Bollywood love story I stupidly believed would happen growing up, it would have just been an obstacle between myself and my true love Waheguru. This way everything is clearer.

No such thing. Nobody gets that, ever. Marriage is hard work even with a partner that's empathetic. With someone constantly causing friction and conflict it's a nightmare. 

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My father may understand what you are going through. Your husband sounds like my mother; no love, always talking of rich people (trying to undermine dad and belittle me n my sis). Always talking about so n so are divorced or which kids is clever/ doing better. 

If your kids are young (below 12) it may not be too late just yet. How to change your husband around? You will have to work it out. Unfortunately my dad made a mistake by not spending time with his fam or spend time with his wife (just cause of her attitude). 

Best of luck. Don't give up hope. Small things will make a change. Be persistent for the good. 

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