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Girlfriend wishes for separate house once married


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Guest GuestMidlands

WJKK WJKF

My gf and I met at University 4 years ago. We plan to get engaged and then married within the next 2 years. 

My gf feels strongly that she doesn't want to move into my family home with my parents after marriage and feels we should get our own home ASAP. She has met my mother and gets along with her well. My mum wishes for a close relationship with her, but we all know how mother in law and daughter in law relationships can get.

I feel financially the best decision would be to stay with my parents long enough to save for a deposit for a home we actually want rather than settling for less, just to get away.

I was wondering if I could get some advice from the sangat about what Sikhi says about this and what they feel the right thing to do would be.

WJKK WJKF

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As a guy who is currently searching, whenever I begin a dialogue with a girl, I always ask this question,  whether or not she wants to move out straight away. If she wants to stay within the family for a year or two, and then move out, that's cool. But if she says she wants to move out straight away, then I don't go forward with that. Now, what to do in the beginning is a long topic on it's own, but that's different, as you're already in a relationship looking to get married, so this will need to be handled differently. 

An uncle of mine once made the point (don't know how serious he was) that you can have 10 men living under the same roof with no problem, but not 2 women ?! I found it funny, though i hope he was joking.

But in your case, you could start by asking what her apprehensions are? Assure her that she'll get her privacy etc. You made a good point about being in a better position financially. When I bought my own house, it was indeed a long and hard process. So you're probably going to need to stay within your family anyways for some time.

Finally, remind her that, however she treats her parents and parent in laws, her kids and children in law will do exactly the same. If she had a son and some girl wanted him to move out straight away after marriage, would she like it? When I put this point in front of people, it usually stumps them, as it exposes their hypocrisy.

In any case bro, talk it out, find out what her issues are, and help alleviate them. I'm sure you can reach a compromise. Good luck ??

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well sikhi says to have a grihast jeevan.

You and your girlfriend are not in a grihast partnership, and to me it seems she sees you more as a boyfriend at present as opposed to a life partner, and same with herself as she sees herself as your girlfriend more than your life partner.

I don't think she understands grihast jeevan, the life of a householder which Guru Nanak promoted. The fact she doesn't want to live with your family and wants to live separately makes it seem more that she wants to carry on the girlfriend-boyfriend mentality even after marrying, than being in a grihast jeevan.

These casual boyfriend-girlfriend partnerships are not family-orientated and since your partnership started off as one, this puts you at a disadvantage when trying to convert this into a life-partnership. If she is not serious about family and grihast jeevan then she is not really ready for marriage or even a partnership.

The fact that you are delaying engagement and marriage for 2 years really makes me doubt how seriously you see each other as life partners. The fact that you wish to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 years makes me doubt how serious both of you are for grihast jeevan, or will be ready for this. Again, the fact that she says this about moving out does raise some alarm bells for me.

 

This video will help you understand if you future/current partner really is ready for marriage or partnership, because her mentality is showing me doubts...

 

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On 1/1/2021 at 2:41 AM, Guest GuestMidlands said:

WJKK WJKF

My gf and I met at University 4 years ago. We plan to get engaged and then married within the next 2 years. 

My gf feels strongly that she doesn't want to move into my family home with my parents after marriage and feels we should get our own home ASAP. She has met my mother and gets along with her well. My mum wishes for a close relationship with her, but we all know how mother in law and daughter in law relationships can get.

I feel financially the best decision would be to stay with my parents long enough to save for a deposit for a home we actually want rather than settling for less, just to get away.

I was wondering if I could get some advice from the sangat about what Sikhi says about this and what they feel the right thing to do would be.

WJKK WJKF

Best thing to do is for you both to sit down with both of your parents and discuss the intention for engagement and your intention to marry in 2 years. And the desire to move out , they can guide, support or advise accordingly.

That way you can make an informed decision. Traditionally ppl would live with parents but if your not going to then it's good to have them on board of what you'd both like to do.

Unfortunately  no one can make the decision for you and it's not set in stone what is the right path for everyone. You can still love and support parents if you did move out. You both need to know what you want and what's good for you. I know couples who stayed home then things didn't work and they moved out, they should of just moved out from the beginning.  But others who did the opposite. You may want to see how accommodating  your family will be. Is she compatible  with the family way of life? If not then moving out is best. Also what do you want? I'd say invite yours and her family  in these conversations to sound off things.  

But as others have said above make sure your both ready and mature enough  for the commitment. 

Take Guru Sahibs blessings each step of the way. Some ppl have a Paath at the Gurdwara for families to meet for the engagement. 

 

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On 1/1/2021 at 2:41 AM, Guest GuestMidlands said:

WJKK WJKF

My gf and I met at University 4 years ago. We plan to get engaged and then married within the next 2 years. 

My gf feels strongly that she doesn't want to move into my family home with my parents after marriage and feels we should get our own home ASAP. She has met my mother and gets along with her well. My mum wishes for a close relationship with her, but we all know how mother in law and daughter in law relationships can get.

I feel financially the best decision would be to stay with my parents long enough to save for a deposit for a home we actually want rather than settling for less, just to get away.

I was wondering if I could get some advice from the sangat about what Sikhi says about this and what they feel the right thing to do would be.

WJKK WJKF

As someone who's been married for nearly 20 years I'll give you some simple advice, take all your plan's, your ideas about marriage and your presumptions and throw them out of the window, where you are now compared to where you will be in 10 years time are completely different places.

I got married and lived with my family, i had to move out because the new job i had was too far to commute, my wife loved it (although she had no issue living with my family), it meant she could run things how she wanted, so, a fair few years later our everyday conversation is about regret and how we shouldn't have moved away, we've been through some really (and i mean really) tough time's over the years and had we have lived with my family it would had made those times a little easier to bear but hey, spilt milk analogy and all.

In your case, sit down and talk about the present and why she feel's that way instead of making plans for the future (although they are just as important), from a financial point of view your thinking is on the right path, look, the most important thing is to be open and honest both with your GF and your parent's, take it from someone who's been through the mill, it will save you many sleepless nights in the future. 

On 1/2/2021 at 8:35 AM, Koi said:

An uncle of mine once made the point (don't know how serious he was) that you can have 10 men living under the same roof with no problem, but not 2 women ?! I found it funny, though i hope he was joking.

Your uncle is a wise man, he's not joking, trust me.

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42 minutes ago, kcmidlands said:

As someone who's been married for nearly 20 years I'll give you some simple advice, take all your plan's, your ideas about marriage and your presumptions and throw them out of the window, where you are now compared to where you will be in 10 years time are completely different places.

I got married and lived with my family, i had to move out because the new job i had was too far to commute, my wife loved it (although she had no issue living with my family), it meant she could run things how she wanted, so, a fair few years later our everyday conversation is about regret and how we shouldn't have moved away, we've been through some really (and i mean really) tough time's over the years and had we have lived with my family it would had made those times a little easier to bear but hey, spilt milk analogy and all.

In your case, sit down and talk about the present and why she feel's that way instead of making plans for the future (although they are just as important), from a financial point of view your thinking is on the right path, look, the most important thing is to be open and honest both with your GF and your parent's, take it from someone who's been through the mill, it will save you many sleepless nights in the future. 

Your uncle is a wise man, he's not joking, trust me.

Awesome advice for us all bhaji ??. Thank you kindly ??.

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It's a deal-breaker for most girls these days. You'll just have to sit down and talk it out, and see if she's willing to compromise. If not, you'll need to ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship. Call her bluff and suggest it's a deal-breaker for you; see whether she'd walk away if you refuse the "separate home" scenario.

If it purely is a matter of finances on your side, then convince her of this. If it's more of a sentimental / family respect thing on your side, then it begins to get complicated, and she's starting to reveal something of her true feelings for your people.

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Are most the people replying to this topic men?

My personal experience as a married woman: my husband told me before we wed he would have the responsibility to look after his parents as he is their only son so we would be living together and that was fine for me.

As much as we respect and care for his parents, we have had ups and downs with my MIL actually pushing for us to live separately for years. 
 I grew up in a household where my Bibi ji lived with us but she was different to the Bazurg’s of today. She came from Punjab with the sole purpose to support my parents who found themselves with 3 kids under 3 at the same time. My Bibi never interfered with how the household was run, the income, the out-goings, the savings and all of that. She also left the general running of the household to my parents. She passed when me and my siblings were teenagers and since it’s just been my Mum and Dad raising us and running the household.

living with my in-laws is very different; we bought a new home for all of us to live in but my FIL was angered that he could not be put on the mortgage (he was retired then and his knowledge of mortgages and finance was outdated). My MIL has always been very lazy in terms of keeping and managing a household (as witnessed by me and told to me by her son and daughters) yet she doesn’t want to give me the reins either. It is very much about them being in control. The expectation is we have to ask and tell them most things to obtain ‘permission’ even though we are adults in our 30’s!

The only way we manage to live together is because we have three living rooms so we don’t all sit together and spend time together though we do cook and share food. my husband and I pay all the bills, do all the chores and grocery shopping. 

we struggled to make our home our own but it helps having own space and even our own bathroom. All these things matter especially now when we have to WFH too and are stuck together 24/7 since March last year with high pressured jobs and dealing with two stubborn and controlling parents on top.

Listen to and understand your fiancé’s concerns about living with your family. In today’s day and age especially in the Western world it’s a huge ask! Would you move in with her parents without a second thought if shoe was on other foot? 
there is a huge difference between the Bazurg’s of 20/30 yrs ago and the Bazurg’s who have spenT most of their lives in the Western world.

 

 

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