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Internal sadness because of a broken promise


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Guest fullofpaap

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru ji Ke Fateh,

 

This is a post that I wanted to share as I have pent this up for a year now. I am currently in my early 20s and ever since I could remember I was in love with the sakhis of the Gurus and the Shaheed Singhs. Maharaj kirpa, through the teachings of my mother we grew up doing mool mantra and jaaping naam. I have always had a deep pyaar for maharaj. Though I am a mona, through the kirpa of Vaheguru I have been continuing my mool mantra and simran over the years and do nitnem of bani I know such as Japji Sahib, Tav Prasad Savaiye, Chaupai Sahib, Kirtan Sohila, and listening to Rehraas Sahib and Aaarti Aarta in the evening. I also have a deep interest in Raag Kirtan and listening to Katha. I have future plans of becoming an amritdhaari and raising possible children as gursikhs. However, ever since I hit puberty when I was younger, I have had a immense problem with kaam, specifically masturbation and pornography. This is something that has consumed me for over 7-8 years and counting. During my 11th grade year of High school I went a full-year without it but later relapsed the year like the weak minded paapi I am.

After high school, it was a constant struggle of on and off. Within myself I wanted to stop. I tried everything but I continuously failed. The only way I could was making a promise to Maharaj. In other words, I promised on my gutka sahib that I would not engage in these actions again from that day forth. For months I did not engage in it and even told my peers to stop engaging in such actions. However, despite 4-5 months of me being clean and having no sort of desire of watching it, I felt emptiness and went right back to pornography. But, midway through watching it I immediately stopped myself and felt internally broken because I broken my promise to Maharaj. Thus, I did the same thing again with my gutka trying to make my initial broken promise right. Again, I went months without it, but yet again I did the same exact thing, watching it but  stopped in the middle of it. However, this time prior to engaging in these actions I told Maharaj that I was weak and I can not continue with my promise. After that, I realized that I should not make promises let alone any oaths of stopping this gandh completely because no one except for Maharaj and their pyaare GurSikhs have been able to conquer Kaam. I haven't actually went through with any of my masturbation attempts as I always stopped midway and realized my error. This similar thing has happened last week, where I would watch but I stopped myself realizing how stupid it was. I read Sakhis about Aurangzeb breaking his oath, and I feel complete shame. When I made this I had no intent of relapsing because I wanted to rid myself of this disease, and this is the only way I could. In a way, it continuously has stopped me from going through with it.  But my Kaam and my own stupidity lets me down and now I have done beadbi of my pyaara. I broke down crying thinking about this. I can't really open up to anyone as  the only GurSikh who I could seek guidance from was my humble grandfather who recently passed away.

 

My pain comes from the fact that I failed and broken my promise to Maharaj. Despite the fact that through Guru Sahib Ji di Kirpa I stopped each time I watched that gandh, I hate myself for even going back. So many times, I have promised Maharaj that I would stop and not even go near it. It was only through the safekeeping of Maharaj that I stopped me every time I was in the middle of that. I continue to do my mool mantra and naam simran alongside my nitnem. I have done ardaas but internally I do not feel right for my broken promise. I want to completely stop because I realize how stupid it really is. My thing is that I can go strong for months, but I always somehow fail and watch that gandh again. 

 

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Try to tell this yourself whenever you have the urge to do something bad: is this activity that I'm gonna do now bring me closer to guru sahib? Can I stop and sacrifice a bad activity just for my guru? Baki do ardaas to guru sahib everyday and don't feel guilty for too long! Guilt is there to make you realise your mistake. Everytime you feel guilt, it's guru sahib trying to pull you back.

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At least your awake brother. That's the first step. Keep reciting bani and try to integrate it into your daily life.

You will find out what this mind is all about. 

 

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Well at least you're trying! Many people don't even bother trying or even recognise that they are doing wrong.

Just keep trying, Its an old habit so it won't go fast ... 

Perhaps read up on the p*rn industry? It might put you off.

Many people involved in that industry are actually mentally unstable and abused, a lot of them are depressed and suicidal.

A lot of the girls take drugs before the shooting so they don't feel pain during the rough scenes. So most of the girls that people watch in those videos are actually drugged ...   and they are not having "fun" 

Two days ago I watched a documentary on netflix about a p*rn star, after the "performance" one of the girls started crying, and when they asked her why she crying, she replied saying that she is in pain but its not her body which is in pain. That was quite hard hitting ... 

People basically j4ck off to drugged up, mentally unstable, vulnerable women ...    

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8 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Well at least you're trying! Many people don't even bother trying or even recognise that they are doing wrong.

Just keep trying, Its an old habit so it won't go fast ... 

Perhaps read up on the p*rn industry? It might put you off.

Many people involved in that industry are actually mentally unstable and abused. Many of the girls are actually depressed and suicidal.

A lot of the girls take drugs before the shooting so they don't feel pain during the rough scenes. So most of the girls that people watch in those videos are actually drugged ...   and they are not having "fun" 

Two days ago I watched a documentary on netflix about a p*rn star, after the "performance" one of the girls started crying, and when they asked her why she crying, she replied saying that she is in pain but its not her body which in pain. That was quite hard hitting ... 

People basically j4ch off to drugged up, mentally unstable, vulnerable women ...    

Amen bro. Even if somebody is going to lapse and have at themself it should not to be porn. 

The path is full of failure. No shame. 

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Guest fullofpaap

Thank you for your replies. It has helped me a lot. I realize how sick that industry is. It has consumed so much of our youth and Kalyug is making this even worse. I would say a majority of my peers are addicted to this. However, through the kirpa of Akaal I am developing discipline. Being born here in the west, it seems like there are triggers everywhere, whether it be social media, television, or even the public. Recently, I have actually opened up to my family for the first time. I am serious about sticking to my word this time and I do ardaas to Maharaj to forgive me for my failures and give me the strength to stay on the path of GurSikhi. I am grateful that Maharaj safeguarded me and made me realize and pull me out right in the middle of it.  I have made this promise and I will fulfill it through the kirpa of Maharaj. We may fail but we have to keep trying. If any of my fellow brothers and sisters are stuck in this, please open up to parents or family members. You may think they don't understand, but we all have Kaam. 

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Guest just another moorakh

One thing ive noticed from me personally is not to tell others not to do things, keep it gupt and dont make a big deal out of it.

I think I heard that advice from Giani Thakur Singh Katha clip and in other kathas too...I have many many many issues I relapse on as well and have just realized this is a big part of it.

What I heard in katha is along the lines of because when you are going strong its Guru Sahib keeping you like that, but once u start thinking that its you doing it, thats where the haumai comes in and ahankar that your doing "the good stuff". The way I heard in some katha is that I am the one that does X (x=whatever you want to stop: get angry, kaam stuff, etc) and Guru Sahib is the one that stops X from being done.

Hope that might help, im not amrithdhari or a good person but I hope Guru Sahib changes me and I stop thinking im all that when they nudge me in the right direction- I just end up going back to old ways all the time.

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Guest just another moorakh

and just a quick followup to my other post- telling your family is great, just what I was meaning about keeping it gupt is not to tell your peers " i dont do it" or preaching too much "you shouldnt do it" as that makes some of that ahankar etc

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Guest fullofpaap
On 4/18/2021 at 9:09 PM, Guest just another moorakh said:

and just a quick followup to my other post- telling your family is great, just what I was meaning about keeping it gupt is not to tell your peers " i dont do it" or preaching too much "you shouldnt do it" as that makes some of that ahankar etc

This is absolutely true. The first time I failed this was after I told a peer to stop, however, maharaj made me realize and through his protection he stopped me. Same thing happened once again after I believe I went 8 or so months without it. I'm not going to tell anyone outside my family anymore because I believe this is true. Only reason I decided to tell my family is because I really want to fulfill my promise, learn from my failures, and rid myself of this through the kirpa of maharaj. Thank you for your post.   

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