I want to get married

[jjs8]

7 minutes ago, Premi5 said:

Could you please clarify, I don't understand what you are saying

Hard to explain. But it probably takes some realization along the way before you start placing expectations on yourself. For example, my grandpa use to tell me stories on how he use to work upto 17hours on the fields and then theres my father who works alot of hours in his job.

And myself being the only male and sardar you realize this is not going to be easy (keeping your identity and grinding through life). You try your best and leave the rest to good faith. At the sametime be thankful. Its tough however, especially when you come from rough/troubled upbringing. Can just say keep praying and keep yourself busy which can mean doing sewa at the gudwara in your spare time.  

[Guest Pyara]

On 10/1/2021 at 5:37 PM, dallysingh101 said:

Don't ignore things, if you aren't sharp, be conscious of this. Be perceptive to 'red flags'. Consult the opinion of wiser, more experienced people (that doesn't mean you take everything they say on). See if you can tune yourself into the essence of a person.    

Personally I don't think you should get married myself. The fact that you've brought this subject up with a threat to kill yourself is not a good sign at all. It sounds unhinged. That might get picked up by any prospective partner too. 

I know things have changed a lot since I was younger in terms of norms in a Gurdwara. I know what you are suggesting above was unacceptable when I was younger. Don't know now. I think you need to be careful of looking like you're hitting on bibbis in a Gurdwara or it might end badly? 

Maybe go on some 'dates' from shaadi.com etc. 

 

That thought came to me but if my parents and grandparents all had families why is it so tough for me? If I do not marry then what next? There is nothing else in life.I too wish happiness,celebrations,family. Why so hard for me?

I get your point on Gurdwara meetings. Would invite trouble but my intention was not dating or hanky panky.

Have you heard good success stories of shaadi.com marriages?

[Ranjeet01]

On 10/2/2021 at 2:49 PM, Suchi said:

The reality is that it is the daughter in law that does the looking after and the son is often left to negotiate the power play going on between his mother and wife. 

And it is often daughters that care more for their parents than daughter in laws as is being proven in modern times in the West where travel is easier. 

So there are no guarantees that the son will be able to fulfil his duties if his wife doesn't get on with his mother. 

 

The reality is that even so, the mother will still pick the son over the daughter.

[dallysingh101]

7 hours ago, Guest Pyara said:

 

That thought came to me but if my parents and grandparents all had families why is it so tough for me? If I do not marry then what next? There is nothing else in life.I too wish happiness,celebrations,family. Why so hard for me?

I get your point on Gurdwara meetings. Would invite trouble but my intention was not dating or hanky panky.

Have you heard good success stories of shaadi.com marriages?

Look, Akaal Purakh gave you this life as a gift. No one said it is all supposed to be all roses. Threatening to off yourself over something like this is so terrible in my mind. There may be times when a geezer has a genuine case to consider suicide, like facing horrific torture, or a terminal illness that isn't going to end well i.e. unbearable pain and ending in a vegetative state, but what you're saying is completely unacceptable. 

You should be able to answer why it is so tough for you to some degree. Do you keep yourself physically fit? Or are you happy bowling around like a slob? Do you have good skills broads need like listening to nonsense and keeping your mouth shut? Do you wear nice aftershave or just splash on some Old Spice?

Have you worked on yourself to up your attractiveness game?  

 

I know someone who's been hitched from Sikh matrimonial sites. 

[MisterrSingh]

On 10/4/2021 at 3:25 PM, Guest Pyara said:

That thought came to me but if my parents and grandparents all had families why is it so tough for me? If I do not marry then what next? There is nothing else in life.I too wish happiness,celebrations,family. Why so hard for me?

They existed in a world with different morals and norms of conduct. Society was set up in a way that men were guaranteed lifelong companionship unless they expressly refused it. Today, a compatible companion (in areas of temperament, morals, intelligence, manners...) is a luxury.

In times gone by (excluding outliers and exceptions), men gladly received the wives they were presented with, and those women in turn realised it was that or nothing, so women decided to just get on with it.

Now, objectively speaking, the women that are keenly sought after are expressing their desire for choice, and if you happen not to fall into the category from which they choose a partner, you will be left on the shelf. That's a fact. It must be accepted. Men can choose to delude themselves with all manner of coping strategies to cushion the blow to their egos, but the facts remain as they are. From this point onwards you can either choose to work around it and get yourself into a position where you can gain a wife by hook or crook, or you throw your hands up, and just walk away. It's up to the individual. What I wouldn't do, as a man, is do a rather feminine thing of throwing around blame in despair at one's situation. Blaming the world, blaming the culture, blaming religion, blaming other men, etc., it's very demeaning IMO.

Unless you're in the top tier of males on the planet in terms of looks, career, and resources, it's going to be a struggle; more so if you have standards beyond things like her physical aesthetics. 

First thing is honesty; uncomfortable introspective honesty. Have you ever had female attention? I'm not asking if you morally agree with those kind of things or whether you entertain that behaviour, but have women ever given you agreeable glances or overt signals that can't be misconstrued as friendliness or polite behaviour? If not, it's... well, it's self explanatory. It's not the end of the world because at least Punjabi matrimonial culture ensures supply and demand, lol. If you're still coming unstuck through the Punjabi system, are your demands and expectations unrealistically sky high? I don't know who the latest Bollywood beauty is, but are you fixated on obtaining a fair-skinned yet slightly dusky waif while you yourself are short, soft, and brown? That might fly if you're wealthy; if not, you're in trouble.

Of course, money (assets and resources) are the ace in the hole. If a man is aesthetically below average BUT he has access to wealth, he can still punch above his weight in many ways. If a man has neither the wealth nor the looks, he needs to come back to earth and reduce his lofty estimation of himself.

[Premi5]

 

 

 

[Guest Woman]

On 9/26/2021 at 10:13 PM, dallysingh101 said:

If it's that important to you, you better be sharp. If you want to go for a beauty queen who's had guys buzzing around her from young, you might be setting yourself up for suicide.

Use your brains to avoid this or you'll only have yourself to blame.  

Thats sexist, judging a woman by her exterior. She could be beautiful internally, a humanitarian and maybe gone through dukhi which can soften the heart that you yourself may not have been through, she could be tougher and stronger in your bhagti than you etc. How do you know. Very shallow comment to make. 

[Guest Where is Genie?]

9 hours ago, Premi5 said:

 

 

 

What happened to Genie? A very good writer and spoke about sikhi beautifully. One of the old timers

[Premi5]

On 10/6/2021 at 10:22 AM, MisterrSingh said:

They existed in a world with different morals and norms of conduct. Society was set up in a way that men were guaranteed lifelong companionship unless they expressly refused it. Today, a compatible companion (in areas of temperament, morals, intelligence, manners...) is a luxury.

In times gone by (excluding outliers and exceptions), men gladly received the wives they were presented with, and those women in turn realised it was that or nothing, so women decided to just get on with it.

Now, objectively speaking, the women that are keenly sought after are expressing their desire for choice, and if you happen not to fall into the category from which they choose a partner, you will be left on the shelf. That's a fact. It must be accepted. Men can choose to delude themselves with all manner of coping strategies to cushion the blow to their egos, but the facts remain as they are. From this point onwards you can either choose to work around it and get yourself into a position where you can gain a wife by hook or crook, or you throw your hands up, and just walk away. It's up to the individual. What I wouldn't do, as a man, is do a rather feminine thing of throwing around blame in despair at one's situation. Blaming the world, blaming the culture, blaming religion, blaming other men, etc., it's very demeaning IMO.

Unless you're in the top tier of males on the planet in terms of looks, career, and resources, it's going to be a struggle; more so if you have standards beyond things like her physical aesthetics. 

First thing is honesty; uncomfortable introspective honesty. Have you ever had female attention? I'm not asking if you morally agree with those kind of things or whether you entertain that behaviour, but have women ever given you agreeable glances or overt signals that can't be misconstrued as friendliness or polite behaviour? If not, it's... well, it's self explanatory. It's not the end of the world because at least Punjabi matrimonial culture ensures supply and demand, lol. If you're still coming unstuck through the Punjabi system, are your demands and expectations unrealistically sky high? I don't know who the latest Bollywood beauty is, but are you fixated on obtaining a fair-skinned yet slightly dusky waif while you yourself are short, soft, and brown? That might fly if you're wealthy; if not, you're in trouble.

Of course, money (assets and resources) are the ace in the hole. If a man is aesthetically below average BUT he has access to wealth, he can still punch above his weight in many ways. If a man has neither the wealth nor the looks, he needs to come back to earth and reduce his lofty estimation of himself.

Do you think when men and women were forced/expected to get married in their teens that they were forced to mature quickly and 'man up or 'woman up' ?

They would just have to get on with it, right ?

[MisterrSingh]

50 minutes ago, Premi5 said:

Do you think when men and women were forced/expected to get married in their teens that they were forced to mature quickly and 'man up or 'woman up' ?

They would just have to get on with it, right ?

I wouldn't say "forced", just "expected." What else were they going to do if they wanted to indulge in carnal relations? Most people weren't going to disgrace themselves.

I also think the vast majority of people need someone "with" them in life or they retreat into themselves and become unwittingly self-centred and lacking perspective, if you know what I mean. Plus, if you happen to be one of the lucky ones it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas and things off, etc.