Dark Narnia - Roop Dhillon (feedback)

[Premi5]

1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Even some of the most devout NRI-born Sikhs barely know the language. Most lovers of fiction read for pleasure. If they're having to fish out the dictionary to understand even a sentence, it becomes an academic exercise; a chore.

For someone to write literature into a language, they usually would have done at least degree  level study in that language. Punjabi A-Level is probably primary school level for someone who is native. 

[dallysingh101]

15 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

Unfortunately this is not my area of expertise.

That is because writing is a particular skill. I know of someone (don't know her personally though) who is an expert in the Punjabi Literature World.

She is based in Canada, I'll see if I can find her details for you to pass on.

Don't worry about that, if you can, try and read it and see how you feel. It's meant to be aimed at teenager diasporans, so it would probably be way too simple for a native reader. I already made the comment about using too much difficult vocab for NRI or convert readers. It's more about feedback from ahhhm bundhay and jananis that any experts. 

The syntax is anglified somewhat to cross that bridge. 

 

[dallysingh101]

Here's the feedback I gave him, for anyone interested:

Comments are chronological to the text:

I would use ਮੀਂਹ instead of ਬਰਸ਼ _ I had to look that up. lol

What does ਖ਼ੈਰ mean here? 

Maybe use a more common word than  ਪਿਤਰੇਰਾਂ ਮਸੇਰਾਂ?

ਗੋਰਿਆਂ  should that be ਗੋਰੇਆਂ

ਗੋਰਿਆਂ ਦੇ ਵੈਲੀ ਤਾਂ ਸਕੂਲ ਤੋਂ ਸਨ ਜਾਂ ਆਂਢ ਗੁਆਂਢ ਵਿੱਚੋਂ ਸਨ। I don't understand the use of ਵੈਲੀ  here. Is it friend, if so the dictionary says ਬੇਲੀ

ਗੱਡੀ ਦਾ ਇੰਜਨ?? should that be ਗੱਡੀ ਦੀ ਇੰਜਨ

ਕੂਬੇ should that be ਕੁੱਬੇ??

ਉਕਾਬੀ and ਬਾਜ਼ are pretty similar, might want to make the descriptions different from each other?

ਉਕਾਬੀ(11) ਅੱਖਾਂ, ਬਾਜ਼ ਵਰਗਾ ਨੱਕ ਅਤੇ ਕੋਲ਼ਾ ਕਾਲ਼ੀਆਂ ਅੱਖਾਂ ਸਕਰੀਨ ਉੱਤੇ ਧਿਆਨ ਇੰਞ ਦੇ ਰਹੇ ਸਨ - repeated use of ਅੱਖਾਂ. You could make this sentence tighter. 

ਜਰਬ ਤਕਸੀਮ - might want to put a footnote here? multiplication and division

ਮੁੰਡਿਆਂ - should that be ਮੁੰਡੇਆਂ?

ਕੁੜੀਆਂ ਮੁੰਡਿਆਂ ਤੋਂ ਜ਼ਿਆਦਾ ਜ਼ਾਲਮ(14) ਹੋ ਸਕਦੀਆਂ ਨੇ ਅਤੇ ਮਨਿਆ ਦਨਿਆ ਹੋਣ ਵਾਸਤੇ ਉਨ੍ਹਾਂ ਦੀ ਟੋਲੀ ਵਿੱਚ ਸ਼ਾਮਲ ਹੋਣ ਵਾਸਤੇ ਕੁਝ ਕੁੜੀਆਂ ਮੁੰਡਿਆਂ ਦੀ ਖ਼ਾਹਸ਼ ਹੈ - This is along sentence with lots in it, it needs to be simplified or broken up more. 

I'd prefer ਕਾਰਨ over ਵੱਜਾ

I think ਡੋਰਕ is a more accurate transliteration of the word dork than ਡਾਰਕ??

ਇੱਕ ਸਿੱਧੀ ਸਾਧੀ ਘਰੇਲੂ ਕੁੜੀ ਜਿਸ ਨਮੂ ਬਾਹਰ ਜਾਣ ਦੀ ਇਜ਼ਾਜਤ ਨਹੀਂ ਦਿੱਤੀ ਗਈ ਸੀ।  ਨਮੂ ????

ਕੋਝੇ, ਬੋਰਿੰਗ ਜਾਂ ਪੜ੍ਹਾਕੀ ਹੀ ਸਮਝੀ ਜਾਂਦੀ ਸੀ। Might want a comma here? 

What do you mean by ਅਜਾਤਾਂ here? 

ਜਾਂ ਸਿੱਧੀ ਗੱਲ ਨਸਲਵਾਦ(19) ਦੀ ਸੀ। maybe this? ਜਾਂ ਗੱਲ ਸਿੱਧੀ ਨਸਲਵਾਦ(19) ਦੀ ਸੀ।

ਚੰੜਿਆ - could you find a more commonly used synonym for this? 

I found the use of ਕੇਕੜੇ here confusing.

 

 

Overall.

This is good stuff. Critique wise I'd say be careful of projecting the stereotype of oppressed brown girls and free white girls. This is a sensitive topic and in this day and age of mass grooming and promiscuity, people might object to impressionable youngsters reading it? Although I feel the text touches on lots of pertinent topics, I still think you need to be careful of appearing clichéd in this respect. 

Maybe be a bit more subtle about the father too. If young apnay are going to read it, a few of them will have problems with alcoholic fathers so the subject needs to be broached in a very sensitive manner. It's a lot of blank prose, maybe introduce a small amount of dialog between the characters to help break it up and subtly allude to aspects of the situation instead of directly describing it? 

Language wise, I'd say if you want to aim for younger readers, maybe go even simpler with the vocab. At the moment I think the average GCSE level student would struggle with it (I certainly would've as a teenager).

Another idea is to have the more advanced vocab you use presented at the beginning of each section, like is done traditionally with teekas (as opposed to footnotes) - You know pad arth at the beginning, so that the reader is primed for the word prior to encountering it in the text?   

You've really built up the character of Neena well, and conveyed a sense of hopelessness which is obviously going to be juxtapositioned with the fantasy stuff about to come (presumably her 'escape'). Maybe insert some humour into it, to balance the dark portrayal? Dickens said he approached such stuff like streaky bacon, i.e. layers of humour within the dark stuff to alleviate it.   

I hope this helps? 

[dallysingh101]

If anyone is interested in reading more stuff like this, let me know and I'll try and post some. 

[intrigued]

If he is trying to get the youth back into reading Punjabi - perhaps keep footnotes for some of the lesser used vocabulary to give context. A good representation of what I am saying can be seen in this book - https://pippal.org/

[dallysingh101]

5 minutes ago, intrigued said:

If he is trying to get the youth back into reading Punjabi - perhaps keep footnotes for some of the lesser used vocabulary to give context. A good representation of what I am saying can be seen in this book - https://pippal.org/

He has done this, but I couldn't upload the pdf here. 

[intrigued]

28 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

He has done this, but I couldn't upload the pdf here. 

ah ok

[GurjantGnostic]

On 9/21/2021 at 3:09 PM, dallysingh101 said:

He has done this, but I couldn't upload the pdf here. 

Can we link to sa files here?

[dallysingh101]

22 hours ago, GurjantGnostic said:

Can we link to sa files here?

No, but we'll find other ways to enable access. I noticed a few site that have downloadable versions of his works. Let's see if people take to the ones already posted first though.