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2 hours ago, lostguy said:

 

 

Honestly since opening up to sangat on here so many positive things have happened to me and its allowed me to make some lifestyle changes and i have started to do nitnem again too. I have to thank you sangat ji and Guru ji. Just reading your guys messages make me feel like im not alone and can share anything here without judgement. Hopefully i can stay strong in this battle now but i know it will be tough.

Thank you so much for the replies above Singh375 and Not2Cool2Argue. I value your guys opinions and advice so much. Maybe i have been putting up resistance to what Guru ji is saying, i truly dont know, but what i do know is being able to hear your opinions makes me realise that maybe ive created thoughts that Guru ji might not like me or im not worthy. I get that these thoughts may be nonsense but i cant help it. I get judgemental or spiteful thoughts towards other people/gursikhs for many years (maybe because of my own feeling of being less than them) which I cannot control and it makes me feel sad that my mind could even come up with such gandh. What kind of advice could you give me to deal with these unwanted thoughts? Jaaps of certain banis? Or more simran? Its all a guessing game for me, hopefully you guys can shed some light.

Thank you!

 

 

Fantastic bro. Har Kirpa!

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15 minutes ago, lostguy said:

Just want to apologise if this seems like a therapy session or something i really value your guys opinions and want to improve.

You're too right bro i will defo try to be more grateful and thank guru ji for any changes that are happening. This past month has been a huge blessing.

The thing is i cant afford to fall off again, its taken so much from my mental over the last few years being in limbo and im getting older which means i gotta get married soon, more household responsibilities are gathering and im moving further in my career which means i have to develop more confidence in myself to deal with clients and colleagues, and having a whole battle going on in my mind in the midst of all this may not end well for me.

My biggest enemy by far is myself and that i constantly guilt trip myself and make myself feel bad about minor things like a silly thought being rude to someone and i'll start beating myself up about it. Even my friend a while back told me im too hard on myself, but i just want to know that im improving.

The hard part is having no clear knowledge as to whether i am improving spiritually through doing paath and simran because even though it feels great, my mind is still producing thoughts of hatred or spite or envy. I wish we had a karma tracker or something so we could know how much dirt we are cleaning and how much remains so we can see progress lol i guess mine is just fully jammed right now and i need to work twice as hard.

So far so good bro ive been visiting the gurdwara often, keeping up with nitnem and doing ardaas to keep improving. I have also been going to some programmes which is really nice to be in sangat. I still get self conscious and feel like they may judge me so i dont talk to anyone i just go and sit for a bit but then leave before everyone else loool

One HUGE change that has happened this time round of me restarting this journey is that i made a friend who is sorta into sikhi (not gursikh) but fully into shastar vidya and history. And this has had a massive effect on me because im now buying shastars and learning how to use them (just playing around right now but he says he will teach me soon), and i've learnt so much about historical wars and empires of the past. Ive started reading books on maharaja ranjit singh and researching into 1984 and reading posts on sites like 1984tribute.com

Its giving me a sense of purpose which previously i may have not had. I always focused so heavily on just simran and paath (spiritual) but never paid any attention to the warrior aspect of sikhi and looking into our history is giving me that sense of purpose.

Its still a work in progress and i pray one day i retake amrit and commit to this for life.

I hope you guys are all in high spirits!

That's fantastic brother. I don't know how anyone survives without training. 

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1 hour ago, GurjantGnostic said:

That's fantastic brother. I don't know how anyone survives without training. 

Yup. I never realised how important it was for us to know these skills but now im going to try learn. What kind of training do you do? 

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9 hours ago, lostguy said:

Just want to apologise if this seems like a therapy session or something i really value your guys opinions and want to improve.

You're too right bro i will defo try to be more grateful and thank guru ji for any changes that are happening. This past month has been a huge blessing.

The thing is i cant afford to fall off again, its taken so much from my mental over the last few years being in limbo and im getting older which means i gotta get married soon, more household responsibilities are gathering and im moving further in my career which means i have to develop more confidence in myself to deal with clients and colleagues, and having a whole battle going on in my mind in the midst of all this may not end well for me.

My biggest enemy by far is myself and that i constantly guilt trip myself and make myself feel bad about minor things like a silly thought being rude to someone and i'll start beating myself up about it. Even my friend a while back told me im too hard on myself, but i just want to know that im improving.

The hard part is having no clear knowledge as to whether i am improving spiritually through doing paath and simran because even though it feels great, my mind is still producing thoughts of hatred or spite or envy. I wish we had a karma tracker or something so we could know how much dirt we are cleaning and how much remains so we can see progress lol i guess mine is just fully jammed right now and i need to work twice as hard.

So far so good bro ive been visiting the gurdwara often, keeping up with nitnem and doing ardaas to keep improving. I have also been going to some programmes which is really nice to be in sangat. I still get self conscious and feel like they may judge me so i dont talk to anyone i just go and sit for a bit but then leave before everyone else loool

One HUGE change that has happened this time round of me restarting this journey is that i made a friend who is sorta into sikhi (not gursikh) but fully into shastar vidya and history. And this has had a massive effect on me because im now buying shastars and learning how to use them (just playing around right now but he says he will teach me soon), and i've learnt so much about historical wars and empires of the past. Ive started reading books on maharaja ranjit singh and researching into 1984 and reading posts on sites like 1984tribute.com

Its giving me a sense of purpose which previously i may have not had. I always focused so heavily on just simran and paath (spiritual) but never paid any attention to the warrior aspect of sikhi and looking into our history is giving me that sense of purpose.

Its still a work in progress and i pray one day i retake amrit and commit to this for life.

I hope you guys are all in high spirits!

Hi

You seem to want to move foward on the path which is good. I would say, don't just read Gurbani, Live it. Take your bhagti path seriously (surrender should be 100%). Do what it tells you to, remember it throughout the day. Don't react in maya, react in Truth. If someone annoys you, forgive, be kind to yourself and others, don't accept abuse/ negative forms/ bad peoples sangat (avoid bad eggs and be kind, compassionate, loving, respectful towards yourself for God loves you), don't slander or speak badly of people. If something happens, accept that all is Karam, be grateful for what you have, be strong. Step on the path of the spiritual warrior. You should know how to fight but those situations don't always arise, do the internal fight.

The spiritual war is one we wage on maya, everytime she tries to trip us up, we overcome it and rise higher and become stronger than the last time. Eventually we come to learn that we are invincible because we are Truth. If you look at pictures Guru Arjun Dev Ji, he is glowing with Jyot- he is still positive and in love, so much Strength. God is with us, God flows through our veins, through our every movement and action. God is everyone, everything everywhere, we're never alone. He is our powerhouse. If you keep on the path, you begin to see through the illusion and the reality of the world around you. Nothing will be able to phase you- your love for God will reach unimaginable heights. 

God bless and good luck on your bhagti path. 

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Sangat ji i had a good run over the last month but once again i think im just not cut out for this. Maybe there is something within me which is causing me to fail constantly or im just not worthy of this path.

Took 2 hukamnamas over the last 3 days and both were quite upsetting to read. I feel like i have been trying and progressing but then again maybe im just not cut out for this. I will list the hukamname below if you want to see but yh. I managed to wake up amritvela for a whole month and do my 5 bania, i tried to do simran often, read extra banis, listen to kirtan, take notes on katha, but maybe recovery is too far gone. I felt like i was doing well so receiving this hukamnama is heartbreaking. Sorry.

 

First hukamnama: Sorath Mahalla 9, Ang 631

Second hukamnama: Aasaa Bhagat Kabir Ji, Ang 479

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1 hour ago, lostguy said:

Sangat ji i had a good run over the last month but once again i think im just not cut out for this. Maybe there is something within me which is causing me to fail constantly or im just not worthy of this path.

Took 2 hukamnamas over the last 3 days and both were quite upsetting to read. I feel like i have been trying and progressing but then again maybe im just not cut out for this. I will list the hukamname below if you want to see but yh. I managed to wake up amritvela for a whole month and do my 5 bania, i tried to do simran often, read extra banis, listen to kirtan, take notes on katha, but maybe recovery is too far gone. I felt like i was doing well so receiving this hukamnama is heartbreaking. Sorry.

 

First hukamnama: Sorath Mahalla 9, Ang 631

Second hukamnama: Aasaa Bhagat Kabir Ji, Ang 479

Sound like an allstar to me. 

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1 hour ago, lostguy said:

Sangat ji i had a good run over the last month but once again i think im just not cut out for this. Maybe there is something within me which is causing me to fail constantly or im just not worthy of this path.

Took 2 hukamnamas over the last 3 days and both were quite upsetting to read. I feel like i have been trying and progressing but then again maybe im just not cut out for this. I will list the hukamname below if you want to see but yh. I managed to wake up amritvela for a whole month and do my 5 bania, i tried to do simran often, read extra banis, listen to kirtan, take notes on katha, but maybe recovery is too far gone. I felt like i was doing well so receiving this hukamnama is heartbreaking. Sorry.

 

First hukamnama: Sorath Mahalla 9, Ang 631

Second hukamnama: Aasaa Bhagat Kabir Ji, Ang 479

Guru Granth Sahib Ji is the destroyer of ego. It vascialates between encouragent and rebuff. Do a SehajPath not Hukamnama and see. 

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On 1/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, lostguy said:

Sangat ji i had a good run over the last month but once again i think im just not cut out for this. Maybe there is something within me which is causing me to fail constantly or im just not worthy of this path.

Took 2 hukamnamas over the last 3 days and both were quite upsetting to read. I feel like i have been trying and progressing but then again maybe im just not cut out for this. I will list the hukamname below if you want to see but yh. I managed to wake up amritvela for a whole month and do my 5 bania, i tried to do simran often, read extra banis, listen to kirtan, take notes on katha, but maybe recovery is too far gone. I felt like i was doing well so receiving this hukamnama is heartbreaking. Sorry.

 

First hukamnama: Sorath Mahalla 9, Ang 631

Second hukamnama: Aasaa Bhagat Kabir Ji, Ang 479

Hey brother.

I want to tell you don't worry about it, don't give up.  But I went thru something similar so I know how you feel.  Years ago, when guru sahib first came to stay in our house. I was really excited about talking to gurusahib and had learned that hukamnamas were.the way to have conversations. So I asked one day, Guru Sahib do you think im a good Sikh?

And I got the hukamnama Bhanda att maleen dhota accha na hoisi. The dish is very dirty, it can't be cleaned with washing. Then the shabad went on to say, do not think you will be saved in the end, I was so disappointed and angry. I didn't try to talk to guru sahib again.  But fluctuating path in sikhi continued. I needed gurujis help in my career and he helped me which built my trust again. So anyway recently I went back to read that hukamnama and I realized that while there was harsh statements, there was also kind things that I missed.  Like it says do not think you will be saved in the end without putting in any effort. I have realized that every shabad no matter how negative will always have positive in it. Either a happy ending or instruction.  In your case it says then why not meditate on the lord? At the end of both sorath mahala 9 shabads on ang 631. 

So don't be disappointed and angry like I was. First of all, the fact that our guru talks to us and answers our questions is amazing. No other religion has this. Secondly, actually have a conversation with guruji. Which means after 1 hukamnama, if you have doubt you say or think, gurusahib ji what am I doing wrong? Why aren't you happy with the simran and paath I do? And then to another ang. As long as the questions are follow-ups to the same question, you can keep asking whike sitting there. But if you want to ask 2 different/unrelated questions then for the second question you have to stand up and do ardaas again. 

But GurjantGnostic is right, to really have a conversation/ learn something, do sehaj paath. It's better than a therapy session. Guruji will wring you out, then console you and fix you right up. You can start a sehaj paath or just read any random 5 angs continuously.  

Also u waking up at amrit vela for a month and nitnem daily in addition to simran and katha and extra bani is really blessed.  But brother are you doing it with the right mindset?  Guru sahib hates pakhand, dislikes badha chatti ( doing it out of duty and not love)  and loathes pride.  Where's your gratitude? You really think you did it with your own power? I have not been able to do it and yearn for amritvela. And you have it and are willing to give up on it. 

Also after millions of live forms what of this is the first time your were human or first time a Sikh? Ur just gonna give up that chance? Some people are born with talents like drawing good or good kirtaniye. There are remnants of their past lives, these skills they worked hard and mastered and now they have them naturally. So work hard for sikhi in this janam, so that if there's a next time, you will be a natural gursikh 

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On 1/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, lostguy said:

Sangat ji i had a good run over the last month but once again i think im just not cut out for this. Maybe there is something within me which is causing me to fail constantly or im just not worthy of this path.

Took 2 hukamnamas over the last 3 days and both were quite upsetting to read. I feel like i have been trying and progressing but then again maybe im just not cut out for this. I will list the hukamname below if you want to see but yh. I managed to wake up amritvela for a whole month and do my 5 bania, i tried to do simran often, read extra banis, listen to kirtan, take notes on katha, but maybe recovery is too far gone. I felt like i was doing well so receiving this hukamnama is heartbreaking. Sorry.

 

First hukamnama: Sorath Mahalla 9, Ang 631

Second hukamnama: Aasaa Bhagat Kabir Ji, Ang 479

We are not here to please anyone.  Not even the Guru. You are here to experience your true self.  When you reach your true self, the Guru is automatically pleased with you because that’s what He is and has always been leading us to throughout our life journey.  Giving up on what?  What are you giving up on?  Life starts again from when we leave it off, sometimes on a worse note.  Go through it with gratitude to the Creator.  Nitnemy Sikhs are great but you only saw the outer surface.  How did they get there?  They have strong personal values.  They developed these with life experiences and strong mental will.  I suggest you to look inside about what values you are looking to harvest within you.  If there are vices, see what you can do to replace these with good values.  Don’t leap forward with all your strength and waste it.  Take small but definite steps.  And then celebrate your success with the Guru, go tell Satguru Ji about how thankful you are for their blessings.  Do your nitnem for yourself, understand what you are reading.  Let the words change you.

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