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Take responsibility for your actions and then take responsibility in changing your habitual nature. The Mind is what it is....there must come a time when one has to put his/her foot down and say enough and ask oneself what exactly is it that I am seeking.
The truth is the Mind does not know what it is seeking but it is seeking something. So it tries to find it in Sex. If it had found it then once was enough and the desire would've been fulfilled. But the desire wasn't and never could be fulfilled so there is a pull to do it again and again. Obviously it will never be fulfilling.
So ask yourself, ask your mind what exactly are you seeking?
The mere fact that you are still repenting shows that his Grace is still falling upon you. What you are feeling is necessary for you to realize your mistake and believe me when I say this that you are not the only one that has gone through this state. Perhaps not in the same context as you, but almost everyone have used their praying for forgiveness coupons more times then they should have.
If you pray for strength, then without a doubt this strength will arrive. If there is a next time, before you make any decision you will always be presented a choice to either go ahead and fulfil the desire of the mind or to turn away and remember the repercussions of these actions.
The momentary pleasures in life are abundant, the mind chases after them as if the next pleasure will fulfil its need forever and that is the only thing it needs. But time and time again the mind falls back to where it started from, so it tries and falls and it tries again. The mind is still seeking Bliss, but looking and finding it in all the wrong places.
You must understand your own sexuality, understand the purpose of Sex, the root cause of this Desire to be fulfilled. Delve into your own mind, dissect your own mind questions and demand an answer. Be introspective towards you own mind and NEVER give up on Prayer.
Pheena
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