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Sangat Ji, I am sharing my feelings with you for two reasons, the first, I want you to avoid making the same mistakes that I made, secondly I need to lighten my heart which is very heavy with sadness and regret. I am in my mid 30's, growing up I was the typical punjabi kid who enjoyed a good time. I started smoking and drinking when i was 16 and continued for about 13 years. I attempted many times to stop smoking but could not. I always beleived in god and always felt guilty when i went to the gurdwara. About 6 years ago, Guru Sahib blessed my jeevan and i began to do japji sahib paath. Slowly my life began to change and i stopped cutting my hair and stopped the nasha and meat. About 5 years ago I was blessed with Amrit which was the best day of my life. I still remember the incredible high that i had. Over the past 5 years, my health has gradually declined. I have lost a great deal of weight. I spent a lot of money and met numerous homeopathic and medical doctors in an attempt to fix my issues. I never lost faith in guru sahib. A few months ago i ended up having surgery. Prior to the surgery, i stipulated that no hair was to be removed. However, when i awoke after the surgery, i noticed that they had shaved the surgery area. I was devasted. My recovery has been slow and painful. I have had other issues in my family to cope with too and i slowly slipped into depression. People would sympathise with me and some family member would say "when you used to eat and drink you were a gabroo, you were so healthy and strong" i heard this a few times and i began to think about this, they were right. My mind began to remind my of this i slowly started to remember the life i had left behind. I asked my dr what i could do to put on weight, he said that i should consider eating eggs since my condition didn't allow me to digest most foods. I thought about it for a while, my parents were encouraging me, people were saying that eggs were no different to milk, that in the west eggs are not sterilised and are regarded as vegetarian. I ended up eating eggs on a few occassions and found that i could not digest them too. I was heading downwards and found myself thinking about smoking again. I can't describe the feeling, it's almost as when kaam takes its full control of you and you think that your mind is goign to explode. I tried to reason with myself, i was hugely upset that the idea had even come into my mind. This made me even more depressed. I used to be so proud that guru sahib had stopped me smoking i was so sure that i would never smoke again. One fateful day a while back, i made the biggest mistake of my life. I cannot explain what happened. When i think back, it doesn't seem that it was me, as if someone had taken control over me. I smoked 2 cigarettes. Disgusting. Disgusted. I am ashamed. I have spiralled into depression but am resisting taking any medication. I have had suicidal thoughts. Everytime i see someone smoke, it brings the moment back and i FEAR that i will make the same mistake again. I cannot afford to do this again. I will lose eveything. I have do ardas all the time. I beg for guru sahib to forgive me. I don't know whether he will, i don't feel i deserve his forgiveness. My stomach is in a constant knot and my heart beats hard all the time. I plan on going to the next Amrit Sinchaar but am terrifed at facing the panj and explaining myself. Will they forgive me? If they do and make me retake amrit again.....what if i make the same mistake again and again? Sangat ji, please do not make the same mistakes as i have made. Do not turn away from guru sahib, there is only dukh. During hard times look out for each other and support each other in rehit. Unfortunatly, i didn't have anyone that was able to support me through my hard time. Please do ardas to Guru Gobind Singh for me and ask him to forgive me and please ask him to protect me from the vices in future. Waheguru.