Search the Community

I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years. My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful. For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong. I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now. With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care. What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.