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Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru ji Ke Fateh, This is a post that I wanted to share as I have pent this up for a year now. I am currently in my early 20s and ever since I could remember I was in love with the sakhis of the Gurus and the Shaheed Singhs. Maharaj kirpa, through the teachings of my mother we grew up doing mool mantra and jaaping naam. I have always had a deep pyaar for maharaj. Though I am a mona, through the kirpa of Vaheguru I have been continuing my mool mantra and simran over the years and do nitnem of bani I know such as Japji Sahib, Tav Prasad Savaiye, Chaupai Sahib, Kirtan Sohila, and listening to Rehraas Sahib and Aaarti Aarta in the evening. I also have a deep interest in Raag Kirtan and listening to Katha. I have future plans of becoming an amritdhaari and raising possible children as gursikhs. However, ever since I hit puberty when I was younger, I have had a immense problem with kaam, specifically masturbation and pornography. This is something that has consumed me for over 7-8 years and counting. During my 11th grade year of High school I went a full-year without it but later relapsed the year like the weak minded paapi I am. After high school, it was a constant struggle of on and off. Within myself I wanted to stop. I tried everything but I continuously failed. The only way I could was making a promise to Maharaj. In other words, I promised on my gutka sahib that I would not engage in these actions again from that day forth. For months I did not engage in it and even told my peers to stop engaging in such actions. However, despite 4-5 months of me being clean and having no sort of desire of watching it, I felt emptiness and went right back to pornography. But, midway through watching it I immediately stopped myself and felt internally broken because I broken my promise to Maharaj. Thus, I did the same thing again with my gutka trying to make my initial broken promise right. Again, I went months without it, but yet again I did the same exact thing, watching it but stopped in the middle of it. However, this time prior to engaging in these actions I told Maharaj that I was weak and I can not continue with my promise. After that, I realized that I should not make promises let alone any oaths of stopping this gandh completely because no one except for Maharaj and their pyaare GurSikhs have been able to conquer Kaam. I haven't actually went through with any of my masturbation attempts as I always stopped midway and realized my error. This similar thing has happened last week, where I would watch but I stopped myself realizing how stupid it was. I read Sakhis about Aurangzeb breaking his oath, and I feel complete shame. When I made this I had no intent of relapsing because I wanted to rid myself of this disease, and this is the only way I could. In a way, it continuously has stopped me from going through with it. But my Kaam and my own stupidity lets me down and now I have done beadbi of my pyaara. I broke down crying thinking about this. I can't really open up to anyone as the only GurSikh who I could seek guidance from was my humble grandfather who recently passed away. My pain comes from the fact that I failed and broken my promise to Maharaj. Despite the fact that through Guru Sahib Ji di Kirpa I stopped each time I watched that gandh, I hate myself for even going back. So many times, I have promised Maharaj that I would stop and not even go near it. It was only through the safekeeping of Maharaj that I stopped me every time I was in the middle of that. I continue to do my mool mantra and naam simran alongside my nitnem. I have done ardaas but internally I do not feel right for my broken promise. I want to completely stop because I realize how stupid it really is. My thing is that I can go strong for months, but I always somehow fail and watch that gandh again.