WJKK WJKF,
I have only recently become a member on the forums but have posted in the gupt section:
If you read this post then you will understand things about me, so I dont have to repeat myself, plus I'm sure some of you are a bit fed up with these types of posts!
I have made countless mistakes in my life, some knowingly, some innocently. As, i mentioned in my Gupt post...the mistake I am most upset about is not standing up to my father when it came to university, he made it clear that I wasn't allowed to leave my city to study. I knew the uni i wanted to study at was the best for my education but he made me go to one that I really didn't want to go to. I consequently left this particular uni, as I did not learn a thing. Whilst at that uni, I made a huge mistake. It was along the lines of "Kaam"...not giving to much information. As i am too ashamed. Now, the only things that is keeping me sane, is that this was written in my destiny, this mistake was supposed to happen...and I need to put it right, through bani and sewa, etc.
However, at times I feel so low...was it my destiny to fight (not fight as in anger and fury) but to stand up for myself and tell my father, that this was the right uni for me to go to and he should trust me. I accepted the lies he strung. Now, I can't get a job. He and my uncle absolutely scold many of us for not doing well. All they do in life is smoke, drink, caste-bash others, argue, pick on others, treat the boys better than us and god knows what else....those things there is all I have known in life...Am I paying for their bad deeds...? Is my destiny to suffer because of them?
How did even have a chance growing up in a family so full of ego?
Like I said, i have made countless mistakes...all relating to Kaam, the three times I have made those mistakes. I feel like I am being haunted by them...why is no one else haunted by their kaami desires. I know so many people who have done similar but continue to do so, why am I filled with filth and fury? Should I accept these feelings as Waheguru ji's guidance or some sort of evil?
I feel like I am just full of bad luck and bad energy...at what point can I no longer just say "well it's in my Karam/destiny/God's will"
I have struggled these past few years. I have forgiven myself and other people for things that went wrong years ago. I'm well on my way to mending bridges with them. But, the one relating to my education/dad and kaam are just spinning in my head. I have nightmares of people finding out my mistakes. Sometimes I just wake up randomly at 3.00 am and can't sleep. I feel sick and just can't concentrate. I feel like i need reassurance but just can't. I feel anger towards my dad. I just cannot speak to him. He's too proud and I can't live under the "fake" indian values. He wants to marry me off but is sure no one will marry me or take me seriously as I don't have the correct standard of education (which he prevented me from having)
I almost forgot. I once had a dream that Guru Nanak Ji's photo, spoke to me. I can't remember if it had tears coming from the photo, I think it might have. Guru Ji said to me "Stop thinking about it" It was referring to another mistake I made years ago and I was constantly thinking about it and then dreamt about it and once my mother woke up and could smell Karah Prashad. A really strong smell.
Whoever reads this, maybe confused as to what I am asking. As i have probably rambled but I have never felt content with my life. ever. I just wish I knew what to do. I am frightened, as I want to be a good sikh but what if it's just not in "my destiny"
Thanks to anyone who reads.