Surjita

Buddhasingh, thank you for a very interesting answer. From what I know by now ( and I must confess, not everything) I know that Sikh men were advised to treat women with respect since many years back. That was the teaching of Guru Nanak, who proclaimed the equality of men and women, and the women were allowed to take a full part of all the activities of Sikh worship and practice. After all, if there were no women, there would be no birth of new people on this planet. According to Sikh ideology, all men and women poses equal status. In God's eyes women and men are equal, so they should have eqaul rights on Earth. Moving forward, to 21 century, we know times are changing. My example - "driver" is doing whatever he can to have more money. He chooses only western tourists to drive to Rajasthan. He does not even has a business office, he claims he is the boss for himself. Instead of getting some proof of payment for his service, he takes all the money to his pocket. He does not pay taxes. When I mentioned a receipt, to keep track of my expenses, he was just laughing in my face. So my solution was to handwrite my own receipt and he was supposed to sigh it. If he refused to do so, I did not pay him. I knew it is a drastic measure, but I had no idea if I can trust him. Today I can say that if he were wearing a turban, I would trust him more, because turban is a status of a honest, noble man. I know a Sikh men who live according and who follow the Sikh rules. And because of that I had a comparison. "My driver" has family, 2 brothers with their wifes and a bunch of kids, well behaved kids.Let me tell you - his brothers' families are so nice, polite, caring, humble, with a smile and always helpful. What a pleasure to be around them. I am pretty sure they knew and saw how "driver" behaved towards me, but since I don't speak Punujabi, I don't know if they discussed my case. They have every day prioblems and I don't think l should inquire if they talk about me etc. But when I mentioned "driver's" behaviour to the women, they did not respond, or give me some clue why is he behaving so strangely towards me. MAybe bacause I stood my ground? Well...I got the feeling that the women in his family do not take him seriously, they just take what comes, and live their own life. Since he is a main breadwinner and gives money for expenses, they keep their mouths shut. One day "driver" mentioned there was another western tourist woman in their house a few years before me, but she dumped him because he was too rude, demanded a lot of money from her, used her for sexual favours and was too bossy. I am a curious person.. and I found out myself about that woman and now we keep in touch. "Driver's" family did not inform me about her. Maybe they thought there was no reason. It does not matter anymore. But "driver" is from another planet - very materialistic, trying very hard to have a western lifestyle. Even if he would be able to have it, will that make him happy? Since he is not treating me the way I wish ( not to mention the Sikh way) he WILL be alone and miserable Really, what a man's life is worth if he does not have a woman? Instead of a woman, his company is a bottle of whiskey. He says " this bottle is my loyal friend". He has his family whom he does not treat well. His mood swings, alcohol, rudeness...no matter if towards his sister-in-law or a nephew or a 4 years old niece. He seems to have some strange kind of a pleasure putting down people who care about him. As I mentioned before - I call this behaviour " boosting his self esteem", and "getting attention". Me and his family go along very well. With one of sister-in-law we used to go very often to get some groceries and fruits, vegetables. I wanted to contribute to this family because on many occasions they fed me, and they are like a family to me. But "driver" was very angry that I pay for the groceries. I pay because this way I am sharing God's gifts - food - with people I care about. But if he does not want to change, nobody will do that for him. And in the end, he is the one who suffers. It does not take so much to squeeze one tiny smile once a week ( I don't even think he is willing to give 1 smile a day, it is beyond him) . I am really sorry to hear him whining that he is "very poor", but how come he has most expensive mobile phone? On may occassions he said to me without any reservation "buy me iphone 6" Me? NO WAY! When he heard my NO, boy, he was mad!!! He behaves like a spoiled brat. There are more important things to spend money for. I can only say l felt it was very disrespectful towards me. When I told him that, he simply walked away . Do I need such man in my life? Do I need a man who does not care what I think? Do I need a a man who does not want to see my feelings towards him? Who does not want to speak/communicate to me? Do I want a man who does not want to respect me? I don't deserve such treatment. I know he wants to use me, but it did not happen and won't happen. I don't deserve such treatment. Overall, I can blame 21 century that some people think differently, media tempt some of them to have everything what is advertised. Of course, it is only my subjective opinion. I may be hugely mistaken. Now, what kind of a Sikh is he? I was pretty hurt and judged him, I am sorry. His actions show totally different picture than other Sikh people I know. I hope he will get what he needs/wishes/deserves., because everybody needs a bit of happpiness in their life. Loneliness is a quiet and slow killer. I am done with him. My life goes on, I am actually grateful for the lesson I got. I feel I am wiser because of my time with "driver". l will take bravely and thoughthfully any other challenge coming my way. I wish him well, too. His future is in his hands (and head). God bless us all.

Hello Married girl Thank you for sharing a bit about your life and aproach towards your husband. I used to do the same. Lots of people consider me very patient and tolerant. That's why I tried my best for this relationship to work. I was working very hard to have a good communication with "my driver". And he was able to talk to me on many occasions, I know quite a lot about his past, his dreams, his happy and sad monents, about his family etc. I DID value his honesty ( because I think he did not lie to me...at that time). But because he is from different culture ( which I try to absorb as much as l can, and which I greately respect), he does have a bit different attitude towards western women, including me. He orders me what I am supposed to do, what time to eat, what time to take a shower, even what clothes to wear...I thought that he does that because he cares, but he did not confirm that, instead he said I am a white woman and men will use me. Nope, nothing like that had ever happened to me. Come'on - I live in India over 3 years. Do I need such supervision? I don't think so. Communication in last 6 months is really a big problem. I could see what he is doing on his mobile - trying to get involved with a bunch of another western women, and it hurts. But he is doing these things behind my back ( example - my mobile is always on the table, it is never locked. His mobile - is always in his pocket, I saw that it is locked, and he does not use ringbell, only vibration ). On a few occasions he took my mobile and was checking its content. I saw it when I got back from the shower. When I asked why he did look at my mobile, he could ask me because I have no problem showing him what's on my mobile and he should know that I do not hide anything from him. In response he accused me "you have too many men in your contacts". Yes, I have, because I work with them. When I asked to see his mobile and his contacts - well, you know the answer - no way!!! If he wants to get together with the other women - ok, but tell me, be a man and be honest. From what I see in his behaviour, he gives me the impression that he is very insecure, with low self esteem. He wants to boost his insecurity by trying to control me, and even make fun of me. He is scared that I may leave him, but with his actions he causes that I am ready to do that. Enough is enough. And being from Sikh or other religion does not really matter to me. As long as a man respects a woman, especially the one he claims he loves so much, I am willing to work on the relationship for the rest of my life. But if he is lying, hiding his actions behind my back, is disrespectful, makes fun of me and my feeling..well - this won't work. Everything else - music, movies, alcohol, short or long hair, beard or no beard, bangles or no bangles...don't matter to me. These are minor things. But dealing with my feelings and emotions - this really does matter, and it matters A LOT.

Yes, there is no reason to digest it anymore. It is better that I got the news about his "adventures" sooner, than too late ( just imagine if I got married to such individual - DISASTER!!!). My heart will recover, I am a strong woman, I will accept God's guidance and life will go on...: :bl:We were able, with the common sense of the responders, to find solution to my dilema after a day or two. That's quite a success! Thank you all!!!.

Well...I submited my post yesterday, but it is not here. Anyway, last night I had a chance to talk to "my driver". He was pretty reluctant, but in the end this is what I heard: he was spending vacations last year in France and this year again in France and in Spain with women who paid for his trips. That is interesting. I don't want to know why they invited him and were willing to pay minimum $3000 for his 3 week trip. Why he did it? He had audacity to blame me that I was never intimate with him, so this is what he said: "I can get rich western women, l don't need to get married, l get all for free!!!". How shallow. Please, anybody tell me that Sikh men are not like him! He was hiding all these "adventures" from me for the last year, and finally I got the cruel truth. Interesting how he was willing to accept this kind of gift as a Sikh man? He did not like gifts given by me , from my heart. I am really hurt...

Hello Preeet, Thank you for your reply and the compliment on my name.. I have this name for a while, i chose it myself. Going back to my dilema - you suggest to change the driver? That is man's quick decision. But unfortunately not mine. I can't throw all my feelings out of hte window, just like that...off they go. We, women can't be so brutal. I want this relationship to work, because in the beginning it did worked. Maybe he is shy, but to be tI doubt it is shyness. I still have no answer. I can see that he has strong feelings for me, he is not shy to say he loves me. He takes good care of me, he keeps me safe, he protects me, he wants to do a lot for me , he also cooks for me ( and with me)delicious food ...at that time and on many occasions we have a wonderful time. I do myself a lot to keep him happy, too. He gives me indication that he sees it - one smirk on his face, this gorgeous smile... Although even if I tried to tell him on a few occasions ( I do not nag him ) what l would like him to change, he says " I see" and there is silence. Believe me, it is tough. His family is very good to me, they watch what happens and give me hope and encourage me not to give up on him. But because they do not speak good English, I am not able to get to the bottom of my driver's issues. I do not push for it, because I assume his family keeps these things to themselves and it is very personal. I respect this. I feel I am stuck and won't be able to change his attitude. Gosh, I am so frustrated...Sorry, my post may seem like I am venting, but hopefully someone had a similar experience and would be willing to help me. I will be more than grateful. Thank you.

Hello to everyone, I am new here, and decided to ask for your help. I am a white woman, involved with a Sikh man. I've met him in India, since he was my driver 4 years ago. In the begining everything was fine. I moved to India to be with this man. I've met his family, he is one of 3 brothers, these people ( 4 adults and 4 kids) are very nice, they treat me like a family member, we see each other almost every day, I love them with all my heart. Unfortunately I have a few issues with the "driver". This man is the only one "westernized" Sikh in his family- no beard, no turban, no bangle...he switched from Sikh look and tries his best to behave like a western man Why?- he claims he gets more western tourists. OK, whatever... Here is what brings me trouble, and I don't know anymore what to think about him: 1- he refuses to speak English with me, although if he wants to, he is capable of doing so ( I don't know Punjabi well enough) 2 -he limits himself to saying to me "hello" in the morning and "hello" in the evening. 3 -he never says my name, instead he calls me "yes". It really gets on my nerves. He says my name very rarely, he never introduces me properly to people we meet at functions etc 4 -if he says something, he speaks Punjabi and he is laughing in my face( I suspect he is telling some nasty stuff, just to boost his ego(?), make me upset...if I ask what he said, he laughs even more, this attitude drives me mad, why he does it, I have no idea). 5 -he is always grumpy, silent, even to his family members - he orders everybody around. I do not let him, so maybe because of that, he barely talks to me in English. 6 -he is very materialistic, it looks like he stays with me only for money ( when he droved me around Rajasthan etc, he requested " a big tip"). 7-when I give his family a gift, he says "Sikh people never take gifts". What is wrong with whom? Me or him? Any suggestions what to do with this man? I love him, although I question myself what for? He says he loves me very much and he asked me to marry him. But witnessing all these things I listed, is this real love? I am scared. What future will look like, if he does these things now? Do Sikh men behave like that towards women? I really doubt. I know another Sikh families and I never saw this kind of behaviour. Or maybe he does it because I am a white woman? I am gettting more and more confused, frustrated. I try to improve this relationship since 3 years, but he gives me impression that he is oblivious, and there is nothing wrong with him.. If not with him, what then is wrong with me? I am not a talkative type of a person, I do not talk too much, I even keep quiet for hours and hours, (he seems to like it), which is not healthy, but I am loosing my patience. Am I missing something what is in Sikh culture? How the women in Sikh families behave? Are they always quiet, obedient, doing what they are supposed to do, without blinking their eye? I am pretty often with his family and I see how women behave-they are repectful towards their husbands, but they have a right to express themselves. I love this culture and religion, that's what keeps me still with that man. I am trying my best, but maybe I miss on something. Your help will be very appreciated.