Arshdeep3

Yesterday, I did my first japji sahib in like two years, and today there are you, slowly convincing me that there's still hope. I hate when this happens. When Waheguru is playing all these games through someone else. I don't want to. The reason? I don't want to take part in another test and have things taken from me just to see how I react.

There's a long way to go.

It also gives me tremendous anxiety to be away from waheguru. Twice in my lifetime, I have failed. I can now see what kind of person I really am. And that is a weak, indulged in maya, dark, dirty, filthy, and tremendously evil soul. I have always preferred maya over waheguru. I know that now. I also know I cannot fight it. It's in my nature. What to do when one's nature is evil at its deepest? Another reason why I don't want to keep fighting is because I am tired already. I don't have the strength to win. Why just hold up until it's broken me again? I 'd rather not get up. There's nothing holding my hand. It's just me fighting against maya. No backup, no support, not even waheguru. It's too strong for me. I know nothing has been lost, but I don't want to go through the same again. And if I keep walking on this path, at some point I'll have to take maharaj's test again. I don't want to. I have given up. I'd rather not get hurt again. It hurts to fight alone, to fall alone, and to stay in the darkness alone. I am angry, maybe I was not loved enough to grant me all my worldly wishes, was I also not loved enough to hold my hand in my worse times? Where was waheguru when the world was crushing me? Maybe my shoulders aren't strong enough, but waheguru's are. For some he has saved ships with a single hand, for me, he let me drown. I am angry, at myself for who I am, for letting myself be overpowered and because I was left alone to live with that.

True. Get the hell up. Life's fucked up, so what? That's how it is. You expected everything to go perfectly? Well, it didn't. Get over it and stop being a crybaby.

Ich kann raten

Okay that kind of actually helped. I need to stop pitying myself.

I wish. If there's is one thing I have actually gained from all this is the discovery of my true self. I am probably a weak, evil mind that used to cling to Waheguru only to receive. So there was probably no love to start from. I am realizing that now. If I take into consideration how dark my true self really is, salvation is no longer possible in this lifetime. I don't see myself capable of loving without expecting. I am greedy. That's there. I am accepting it.

Say more. I need some honest feedback to knock some sense into my head.

Guru pyaari sadh sangat jee, I am writing this post with a heavy heart. I already know the answer in my heart but I want to write this down somewhere. There were two very important downfalls in my short lifetime. Both of them left scars that I cannot undo. The first major downfall happened in 2013. The year prior to that I was in utmost chardi kala. We were not exactly financially secure and things were hard at home, but I was at peace. I have only twice in my life experienced such peace. After the peace came the storm. I couldn't handle it and drifted away from waheguru. I lost trust. The second downfall happened in 2022. The order of events was the same. The year prior to what happened was absolute bliss. Then something happened and I feel in despair again. Once again, I couldn't handle life's hardships and let my ego make the worse of me. This time I lost love. I have come to understand I am a weak person, dominated by ego and maya. Life has given me two chances, and even while I am writing this I still desire ego more than waheguru. I used to have trust and love as my bond to waheguru. They both kept me going back to him despite my ego and maya pulling me to the other side. I no longer have trust or love for waheguru. And in addition to ego, I have also experienced anger in the past year. There's nothing pulling me towards waheguru. I feel like the damage I have received from the two above-mentioned downfalls is irreparable. I have lost precious trust and love. Something tells me that I won't be able to form a bond with waheguru again in this lifetime. The anger, pain and betrayal that I feel are too strong. I genuinely believe this is it. However, I have never once said I am not a sikh anymore. Something inside me keeps telling me I am still 0.01% sikh, never a 0%. For the past few days, I have been forcing myself to do small things such as saying mool mantar, or listening to a sakhi. It's not because I trust or love waheguru, but because I know that no matter how hurt I am, I need him to feel at peace. Even if I cannot reach sachkhand in this lifetime, and I know I won't, I need him as I need food. That's my only relationship with waheguru. I am not planning to ever love him again. I don't want to suffer again. I'd rather stay in maya and keep myself safe. I also don't want to starve, so I'll remember him just enough. It's okay. Sachkhand was never for a weak soul like myself. I have come to understand that now. Each exam I have taken in my life has drifted me apart from waheguru and given me immense pain. I am done. I'll just quietly stay here and wait for my days to be over. I'll stay a 0.01% sikh so leave me alone. I don't want to participate in any more games or exams. I'll try again in my next janam. This one is done for. ---- Edit: gurusahib did give me a hukumnama as a warning that I have only now understood. Even my anger is starting to die now. I am completely destroyed and just want to be left alone for the rest of my life. Don't give me more exams, I don't want it. I cannot handle it anymore. I get it, sansaar is a game. Maybe for waheguru, some of us are really broken here. We were never meant for sachkhand. I will no longer ask waheguru for amrit, in return, just don't give me any more pain. I'll stay at your feet because I need you like I need food, because it's the only place that gives me peace. I won't love you or trust you nor will I ask for amrit. Just let me stay in peace. If you cannot hold my hand when I am at my worst, then at least don't stab it when I come to you. You left me alone TWICE. As a kid, my mom used to tell me the story of small kittens who were thrown into the fore but didn't die because waheguru protected them. You protect everyone. At least answer my question and let me know why didn't you protect me? I am not asking why everything happened. I know we receive what we give. I must have done something bad in my other life. I get it. That's the law of the universe. But why was I left alone TWICE? You could have held my hand and helped me endure it. If I cannot fight it, you go and do it for me!! Aren't I your kid? And why was I thrown alone into a battle I cannot fight? When you KNOW I am weak, then why didn't you stand with me? Was my path not enough, was my sewa not enough? I feel like I cannot be at peace until I get an answer as to why I was left alone. This cannot be repaired. I don't want to repair it. I am disappointed, I am hurt.

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