hallucination

guruvah- that is what bothers me. I want to do it when I am ready to accept the Guru's rehat and do it for the right reasons. If I do it for my family I will be untrue to myself. But I do not want them to suffer and believe it is my fault.

Khalsa4Ever, i'm not looking for answers. This is a question that causes me pain, and I am looking for opinions, suggestions, and maybe another way to understand my situation. Kaur Khalistani, I know that Rehat comes first. But this isn't a question about religion as such. It is about family, and obligations. What are our obligations to our parents...when do we have the right to make our own decisions and be different? My relationship with Sikhi is ever changing, and it is different from my relationship with my parents. They are intertwined but not the same. Pakandi, as far as problems with keeping my beard, logically there aren't many. I know many sikh men who keep their full beards, and none of my sikh friends trim. But I cannot look at myself in the mirror when I have a full beard. I feel ugly. My college notebooks are filled with mini essays I have written in class when my beard was full...detailing my depression at looking ugly, feeling unattractive. Perhaps it is my vanity, but from a young age I have been told that I was good looking, and there is something in me that yearns for that physical appreciation from people, from women....and it comes more readily when my beard is trimmed. I feel like I have a look that I need to sustain...a smart, youthful, casual look that doesn't fit with a beard. Furthermore, I used to gel my beard in order to keep it compact, and that was a huge pain...it prevented me from enjoying anything because I was always worried about how my beard was looking, if the gel was coming off etc. Eventually it wasn't worth it... So there it is, I've been completely open. Again, I mainly want to know what your opinions are on my duties as a son....if I am violating them or if this amount of dissodance is normal...I'd love to hear from someone who has had experience in this. Thank you to all who have replied, please continue to do so. Edit: JSS- I just read your post and I thank you for your compassion. Other sikhs and sevadars have told me the same thing...my only difficulty is in handling my own guilt and handling my parents sadness for the time being. But I will begin to seek a more spiritual path...

I am very close to my parents. I am the eldest child and their only son, and throughout all their troubles with each other and with external problems, I have been with them. I am 20 years old now, and go to college quite far from home. Both born in India, my Mom grew up there while my Dad spent most of his youth in England. Sikhi is very close to their hearts. They are both very religious and it runs in the family. My Dad's parent's are incredibly devout...especially his mother. My mothers' parents are also devout. In essence, Sikhi runs strong in the family, except with me. I used to be very devout when I was younger, contributing to my gurdwara in many ways. I was almost the poster-child for Sikhism. Then as I grew older, I became disenchanted with the idea of religion, and moreover, hated the idea of growing a beard. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and had little motivation to continue feeling depressed. So I began cutting my beard when I was about 16. At first it was small snips, and I clearly had a long, gelled beard. But once my parents caught on, they would stare at my face all the time...I would catch them looking for hairs when I turned my head. Our relationship became awkward...it started to shatter. They told me I was hurting them and I told them that I needed some understanding...that I was questioning and it was normal. But understanding I did not recieve, and eventually I started cutting my beard fully. Now I am still close to my parents and my family. I help them solve problems, we share good moments. But the beard issue has created, and continues to create, a rift that is at time unbearable. Though I am working on it, many times I don't feel loved or trusted, despite my efforts to be close to the family, simply because I cut my beard. I wear my turban and am proud of it, and one day hope to grow my beard properly, but for now it is not something I want to do, or can stand to do. So I ask you not am I a bad Sikh. Only God can judge that. But am I a bad son? Am I in the wrong? Please help me find a way to heal this rift.