simran345
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Posts posted by simran345
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24 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:
However they plan to move out soon. I have spent nearly 20 years in this switched off emotional state.
That is good news, finally you will be able to move forwards penji. They will probably be more respectful when they are further away. It’s when they see other families and realise that their daughter in laws aren’t bad, then they will change. I’m so happy for you ?. Hugs ?
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18 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:
Thoughts of divorce come and go but will the grass really be greener on the other side?
Also where are we suppose to go? If there was another house, I would have left ages ago and gone there. In India, the women are always going to their parents house, but here once you’re married, that’s it and are expected to get on with it, thick or thin. Also we’re more sincere here, but most women there don’t stand for anything. We are more forgiving and think, chal ho and forgive and forget many times and try to make the marriage work. Wheareas in India, they just lie to each other about everything and we just say it how it is.
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19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:
I believe in gurus bani and try to do path every day. I used to feel very stressed and used to have dark thoughts. I added chaupai sahib path to my morning path and must say it gave me a new perspective to life and made me a lot calmer. Gurbani is a big part of my life and I am trying my utmost best to make my girls understand the power of gurbani
Yes that’s good Gurbani is helping you. It has helped me too, although it is hard to not ignore what’s going on if they’re in front of you. You have your daughters to distract you from the negativity, so spend more time with them and teach them to listen to or recite Gurbani.
19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:in terms of my family life - I don’t know why I have dark thoughts about ending the marriage but I guess I will never stop trying to build it and making it work
This normal thought. It’s because you are not happy from inside. Your soul feels the love and loyalty of a marriage missing. God knows how many times I’ve been through the same thoughts, but then you just have to focus on the qualities of your marriage, rather than the negative points. Next time you get these thoughts, pause and take a deep breath. Think to yourself it’s just a thought and it will pass, it can’t harm you. Then focus on what’s around you, and divert your attention elsewhere. Imagine the thought flying away in a cloud.
I think you should see a counsellor, it will help you.
19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:My inlaws tried to blame me and said I don’t keep in contact and that they ring me and I don’t answer and that if I don’t talk to them how will they help me.
Same thing happens with me, but I just don’t have the energy to bother talking to them anymore. If I do, I know I’ll be given a mehna, insults along the line, so I just decided not too. I just don’t feel too and if I’m future I do, I’ll be more stronger to deal with it. But now I need to put my health first, as I’ve let them get to that too much. You have to understand some people have a habit of lieing. That’s weird, the same thing happened with me. Don’t know why they do it, must be some sort of insecurity or jealousy of not being as sincere as you. It maybe because you are doing everything right as a wife and mother and they are feeling that they may lose their son or brother or whatever. But that’s unlikely to happen as he’s always going to be theirs. They probably have painted a picture of you in their minds of you taking him away. But that’s so stupid, because on one hand they wanted him to get married abroad and on the other, they don’t want to see him happy with you.
To be honest, I think it’s because you’re from another country and areca strong woman, that’s the barrier they’ve put in front to not like you. I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the way you are, it’s just pure jealousy, nothing else and them wanting what you have. I can imagine his brother or other relatives thinking like that, but don’t know why his father and mother would. It would be very silly and immature of them to not want you to be happy either.
You also need to give him some space and not stop him from talking to them. After all they are his parents and family. It must be hard for him also to be in a different country away from his family who he grew up with. But now he has his own family he should also be taking responsibility. He won’t go, but maybe suggest some counselling for him also. Don’t answer him back, as that’s what he will be wanting to escalate it further. Just walk away from the argument into another room. Start listening to Gurbani or doing Simran, that will divert your attention.
It’s good to let it out. I feel good too, that I’ve not been the only one going through the same. I’ll say it direct to you without the sweet talk . They married their son off in hope for a better life for themselves also . And there’s nothing wrong with that, but as long as there’s respect and love also, as you are their daughter in law after all and shouldn’t be treated as a stranger. Also the brother visiting, didn’t really come to see your husband as much as he says. It’s because, to make a good record for immigration, so next time he comes, he’ll stay for longer. They know all the schemes, that’s my opinion, I could be wrong but it’s more likely that’s the case. And also to show that they support him, he’s not alone, which I don’t see why they need to know.
The way they’ve gone about it isn’t good, so it creates negativity towards them from you and they haven’t made it fair for your daughters either. But just say Waheguru, it is what it is and let them sort it out. You just carry on being a good wife and mother and ask for Guruji’s support. Don’t hate anybody from within and also don’t let others hurt your own soul.
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44 minutes ago, ipledgeblue said:
in this day of vegan alternatives, why don't GPS and pharmacists offer up vegan friendly alternatives?
Because as jkv penji says, they only can offer what they have in front of them. They don’t offer vegan friendly alternatives unless requested. Or it maybe the cost.
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To OP, sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. It’s similar to what I’ve been through, so I fully understand how you’re feeling. Your husband was wrong to change towards you. Only somebody that’s been through the same will understand how hard it is to please everybody and also defend yourself. I’ve finally put my foot down, when I have been taken advantage of too far. You could do everything perfectly or give them all the money in the world, but they still won’t appreciate you, if they don’t appreciate you for what you are now.
You have two lovely daughters and you should be proud of that. You don’t have to take any nonsense from anybody. They should be grateful that you married their son and gave him citizenship. You don’t sound like the bad one in all of this. I think they’re just taking advantage for their own matlab. His parents should know better than to act like that towards their daughter in law. But unfortunately they play the victim and make out you’re the wrong one.
Kaur 2 is right, don’t be rude back to them, but also make a stand that you will not be pressured or treated like that. If you were a daughter in law from India, would they treat you the same? No they wouldn’t, so why you? Make it clear you are from this country and have given respect where it’s due and done everything you could for them. Don’t let them walk over you. Your mother in law saying she won’t visit again, then good riddance. I know it sounds harsh, but there’s only one of you and there’s 3 or more of them, so it’s hardly fair. And if they can’t be bothered with your daughters either, it shows they are only interested in boys.
You need to work on your relationship with your husband, because it sounds like they want you to break up for their own matlab. And your husband is too ignorant, that’s hes listening to them more, that he’s willing to mess up his marriage and family for them. What more do they want ? They should have stayed with you happily and not ignored you. All that rubbish about being from a different country and hesitant to talk to the daughter in law is bs. Because they do in communicate in India with their daughter in laws there, so there should be know discrimination. They have veils over themselves so they can’t see your good qualities. I know I’ve been through it. One day, your husband will see what they have been doing and he’ll probably regret it when it’s too late.
Pray and do Ardas to Waheguru to help you through this. And if you can talk to other women who have spouses from India. It is hard penji, but like the say, you can’t change somebody, but you can change yourself. Just be nice to his parents, so they have no excuse to belittle you. And don’t even bother to ask them why or for explanations, because you already know they will never take your side. And if there’s something you don’t agree on with him, then instead of hurting your own soul and getting angry with him, tell him in a more polite way, because he will argue more with you otherwise. Change your approach towards the problems and how to deal with them.
Have your parents spoke to them?
In a way it’s good they don’t live near you, so chill out, enjoy your life and hopefully your husband will appreciate and respect you more when he sees the truth.
Get some counselling from your doctor too. It will help you to relax.
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7 hours ago, sikhni777 said:
People actually follow media more than religion.
Songs spread faster and are listened to more often than other religious shabads or katha.
Their lyrics and tunes are more catching. So you become what you listen to and sing too. This is what is happening to people.
During Gurujis time, the power of Guruji waa there to guide people and unite them.
True. The power of Guruji is still there, but some people don’t want to make the effort and the type of sangat does make a difference.
I wouldn’t say the tunes of songs are more catching, but rather that they are the same chaklo rakhlo type. There’s no uniqueness in the songs nowadays, but are more repetitive in lyrics, musical flow etc . There are many shabads which sound way better than the songs, but I guess it’s all about one’s spiritual journey when they will be graced to sway away from that environment to experience Gurbani . Been there, done it, still learning, so I can’t judge others on what they listen to, but I can control what I listen to and that’s what one needs to do, work on one’s self and that will create change.
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37 minutes ago, InderjitS said:
@simran345Must have been for the Instagram accounts...
Instagram, Twitt twutter, swapchat, facebox, eh woh, friggin social media ?
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I agree they could have had the Anand karaj at the Gurdwara and then the reception or whatever they want at the beach venue. It seems they only wanted it at the beach for the photo shoots, which to me, does seem selfish, as most people do have it at the Gurdwara.
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9 hours ago, Akalifauj said:
Smart men who don't care about religion will mess around with these type of girls and give them the boot once they are bored.
Well they can’t be that smart then if that’s their behaviour.
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21 minutes ago, Premi5 said:
Who walks backwards?
Not like walking backwards fully, but people may reverse backwards, bit like a car, in order to retrieve something, or if they’ve forgotten to pick something up. Some people do it out of habit or think it’s easier than turning around.
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11 hours ago, Guest Gurdwara staff said:
I own the land and built a gurdwara on it. The sangat choosing is the reason why the previous committee were all sacked. The sangat buy into the lies of the committee and then they don't do anything. They were just manmaati people so I sacked them all and now I need new staff.
Sorry I don’t know how to help. It’s the first time I’ve heard of something like this. Sorry ji.
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2 minutes ago, harsharan000 said:
Beautiful shabads.
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10 hours ago, InderjitS said:
What a coincidence, I was listening to this earlier today. He sings it well.
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14 hours ago, Guest Gurdwara staff said:
Vaheguru. I am currently the owner of a gurdwara and I am hiring completely new staff.
How can you be the owner of the Gurdwara? Nobody’s owns the Gurdwara, and Sangat should have a say in how things are done. Is there a committee there? Something doesn’t sound right about this post.
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I only saw Jusreign’s nightsuit, phul wala. Oh tha ideh uthke ageya c.
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1 minute ago, MrDoaba said:
Looking at photos is anti-Gurmat. Probably.
? I didn’t see them. I guessed. ?
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She’s not dressed inappropriately in the photographs. Her outfit is elegant and her head is covered. Whoever complained about that, hasn’t seen them ?
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1 hour ago, NonExistant said:
I can see evil in her eyes! ?
Contact lens paye a .
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Hun tha viah vi hogea hona? What’s happened OP?
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1 hour ago, InderjitS said:
Don't think it was that sudden. Regardless, the tiyariaan, karcha and heartache for the girl and her family does not bear thinking about.
True. @Big_Tera is there more to it than the skin problem? Are you getting cold feet or is there something else?
Besides if you’re getting married tomorrow, then you should be asleep. Otherwise where on earth and how will you run off? Your family deserves some explanation.
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3 hours ago, Big_Tera said:
I am being pressured into it.
Help
Currently I have gone through with the Shagun. The marriage is tommorow.
All preparations are in place for the marriage tommorow. I made it quite clear I do not wanna go through. But was given the usual black mail treatment.
So it sounds you’re not ready for this marriage. I honestly don’t know what to say, but things do happen quickly after the shagun in India, as you’re visiting from abroad and time is limited. How did the families arrange it so quick ? Booking venue, caterers buying outfits, etc. You need about a few days to do all that, not like overnight ?.
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Indian In-laws
in GUPT FORUM
Posted
That’s ok, just tell them to serve themselves and carry on with your normal routine. There was an aunty on one of the Sikh channels and she was advising other auntian that if they’re able to do things themselves, they should and stop complaining to their daughter in laws about this, that and the other. There has to be a balance. She even advises that not to live in the same house, if they are able to and to let their sons and daughter in laws live in their families, and they can have the grandchildren at weekends or live nearby. As this improves relationships, and the respect for each other will grow. Then the daughter in law respects and loves them like her own parents, rather than feeling pressured and restricted. But if it’s not possible, then there should be some organisation.
Send them to mine, and I’ll make a sandwich ?