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Just want to apologise if this seems like a therapy session or something i really value your guys opinions and want to improve. You're too right bro i will defo try to be more grateful and thank guru ji for any changes that are happening. This past month has been a huge blessing. The thing is i cant afford to fall off again, its taken so much from my mental over the last few years being in limbo and im getting older which means i gotta get married soon, more household responsibilities are gathering and im moving further in my career which means i have to develop more confidence in myself to deal with clients and colleagues, and having a whole battle going on in my mind in the midst of all this may not end well for me. My biggest enemy by far is myself and that i constantly guilt trip myself and make myself feel bad about minor things like a silly thought being rude to someone and i'll start beating myself up about it. Even my friend a while back told me im too hard on myself, but i just want to know that im improving. The hard part is having no clear knowledge as to whether i am improving spiritually through doing paath and simran because even though it feels great, my mind is still producing thoughts of hatred or spite or envy. I wish we had a karma tracker or something so we could know how much dirt we are cleaning and how much remains so we can see progress lol i guess mine is just fully jammed right now and i need to work twice as hard. So far so good bro ive been visiting the gurdwara often, keeping up with nitnem and doing ardaas to keep improving. I have also been going to some programmes which is really nice to be in sangat. I still get self conscious and feel like they may judge me so i dont talk to anyone i just go and sit for a bit but then leave before everyone else loool One HUGE change that has happened this time round of me restarting this journey is that i made a friend who is sorta into sikhi (not gursikh) but fully into shastar vidya and history. And this has had a massive effect on me because im now buying shastars and learning how to use them (just playing around right now but he says he will teach me soon), and i've learnt so much about historical wars and empires of the past. Ive started reading books on maharaja ranjit singh and researching into 1984 and reading posts on sites like 1984tribute.com Its giving me a sense of purpose which previously i may have not had. I always focused so heavily on just simran and paath (spiritual) but never paid any attention to the warrior aspect of sikhi and looking into our history is giving me that sense of purpose. Its still a work in progress and i pray one day i retake amrit and commit to this for life. I hope you guys are all in high spirits!