Wowww that was one confusing post lol
You don't love god because your scared of him due to the things which have happened in your life which is fair enough but look at the good things which have happened, not everyones life runs smoothly we all face problems but we just shift the blame onto god because we don't know how to handle things any other way.
Everything in life happens for a reason it isn't just a coincidence or down to good luck, things happen accordingly to our past deeds and actions and the only thing which can change them is seva, simran, and bani. You say you don't feel as good when you refrain from doing these things but think about why
How can you say that ardas doesn't help you? If you do it with the right intentions and with an honest heart then why wont god listen to you? Just because you haven't taken amrit doesn't mean that hes going to ignore you or somehow punish you because god loves everyone but I think in a way hes just trying to guide you slowly but maybe your scared of progressing on a spiritual level?