Marriage To Non-Sikh

[Bertie Bassett]

Hi All,

First let me tell you that I was raised Christian in the UK. Being a Christian is more of a defacto stanard rather than as a personal choice for me.

I have been dating a Sikh girl for a while now (she is also British) and am at that point where I want marry her. I know that being Sikh is important to her and the issue of marrying a non-Sikh is starting to come up. I have read the pro's and con's of this on the various websites and understand the route of many con's is that of raising children and living a life in alignment to our spiritual beliefs and culture.

I can see this is a problem for many people. Faith is the core of what forms us and different beliefs can conflict at times.

For my part I have been researching Sikhism and see it has many comminalities with my personal beliefs. I do not see leading a Sikh life as being a compromise nor a problem for me. I am happy to raise a family within the Sikh faith and follow the many cultural aspects associated with it. Whilst I am in the very early stages of learning about Sikhism and also having a limited Punjabi vocabulary, I am finding the more I read the more I am interested in following this way of life.

I will continue to learn about Sikhism. Not just because it is something important to the girl I want to marry but because it is a life choice I beleive is right for me.

I wanted to open up this thread to see if anyone could pass on constructive advice. Have you gone through the same transition. Did you marry a non-Sikh. Can you tell me the best way to learn more (Sikhism and Punjabi).

Please dont simply state "You were not born Sikh so you shouldn't marry her". I have seen this statement so many times. I dont beleive that the religion of your country should define you as a person. I am widely travelled and have experienced many cultures and beliefs. Yes, I was not born a Sikh but that shouldn't make me a bad life partner or father.

And finally, when I do propose I would like to include in this some traditional elements. I want to show I am learning and embracing the culture. Whilst I am certain she will love a big fat Diamond ring I cant help but wonder if there are other, more traditional, gifts or symbols I could use (in addition to the ring).

Thank you for your advice and help.

[Guest Bloom]

Dear Bertie Bassett,

Your Attraction To Sikhi and To The Palace of Guru Gobind Singh Ji Makes You Very Fortunate. The More You Study, Reflect, Learn, Contemplate, Realize, Feel, Etc., Etc., Of The Greatness and Love of Sikhi, The More and More You Will Fall In Love With Sikhi.

In Sikhi, Dating Is Not Acceptable. Adultry Is A Major Sin For Practicing Sikhs. This Suggests To Me That Your Perhaps Wife To Be Is Not a Practicing Baptized Sikh Herself. What Comes To Mind Is That Your Attraction To Sikhi Can Actually Bring You Both Closer To Sikhi Perhaps. Since You Are Not Married, I Cannot Give Any Advice on Dating Situations Etc., For As I Mentioned Dating Is Against Khalsa Principles. Adultry Is One Of The Major and Biggest Sins For Sikhs. But If You Do End Up Getting Married, Ideally Before You Get Married, It Would Be Fortunate If Those To Be Married Would Become Fully Baptized AmritDhaaree Sikhs, and Live Your Entire Lives As Practicing Khalsa. Begin Living Your Lives Up To Sikh Ideals Before Marriage, Begin Now, That Would Include No Physical Contact. Your Love For Sikhi Can Even Influence Her. That's What Came To My Mind. I Cannot Share Much on Culture Etc., Only Thoughts of Khalsa Dharma Are Coming to My Mind. My Reply Here Is Not Ill Intentioned In Any Way, I Hope You Have Not Taken Offence.

[Bertie Bassett]

Thank you Bloom for your insight. I take no offence to your comments and welcome your input. May I just confirm that we are simply getting to know each other - there is no adultry taking place. This is something that is important to both of us and an area best left until after marriage. This is common in many beliefs, Christianity included. As I posted in my first message there are many parallels which makes understanding and relating more personal to Sikhism.

I appreciate your initial thoughts as "dating" can be taken to mean many things in today's society. I very much respect a belief that certain areas of a relationship are best left until after marriage. Please do not confuse my interpretation of dating with that of many others. Dating to me is the process of understanding if two individuals connect on a spiritual and mental level as well as ensuring that future goals in life are the same (i.e. career, children, place to live).

[humkire]

Dear bertie,

Sikhism is indeed a very very truly beautiful and practical way of life well suited for the present and future times that focusses on Truth, a fact you must be already in the process of discovering. A path that helps one connect and experience Reality, serve mankind and be angelic in your personality, explore your potential , and strike a healthy balance between the physical and spiritual elements of existence. In a way you are very lucky you met this lady who has turned out to be a conduit for an even bigger blessing in discovering Sikhism.

You not born a Sikh is no impediment at all in being a good future Sikh husband and father, as Sikhism is a learning curve from wherever and whenever you begin. In fact as you already probably know, through the 3HO organisation in USA there are already scores and scores of white converts to Sikhism. Conversion to Sikhism from people of other races apart from the original punjabees is slowly but surely becoming a widespread phenomena in the Sikh diaspora as Sikhs have began to migrate outward from India, and Sikhism has began to take root in other cultures.

The fastest way to learn about Sikhism and punjabee is to a)engage a teacher and we can help you find one if we know which town you live in as someone from on here would be willing to be a friend and spend time teaching you how to read, write and converse in punjabee . Post a request on this website mentioning your town and that you are white and need a punjabi teacher and can be p.m-ed privately for exchange of emails/mobile numbers etc. b) visit a few Sikh bookshops around and gather books on Sikhism you can read. Again we need to know which town to help you. There is endless amount of ematerial on Sikhism too on the net, you tube etc etc .

Concerning you proposing, it actually depends on how deeply this lady is involved in her Sikh faith.You should do your proposing once you have become a sikh. If she is very ''westernised'' she may want a ring and perhaps some choclates too and a bunch of roses haha. If not, a heart to heart talk where you propose humbly, that leading to a convenient date for the marriage. The covenant of love in Sikhism is set in the heart, in the presence of Shree Guru Granth Sahib, not through material objects like rings.

[Bertie Bassett]

Hi Humkire,

Thank you for your advice. I will most definately post for a teacher and further help once I return to the USA. I am currently working in the Middle East but should be back in a few months. Unfortunately, I do not know yet which part I will be in as I travel quite a lot. Something I hope to change.

In terms of the proposal, I have read that there are traditions. These are most likely more cultural than spiritual but in any case I would still like some pointers. I have heard of parents providing gifts to each other ($101 for example) not as a payment but as a token of agreement to the proposal. One thing I was thinking of was reading, in Punjabi, a particularly romantic peom or appropriate prayer. Something that shows I am paying attention to the elements she values most in life (family, love, children, the future, spirituality, etc).

She is indeed westernised but still a traditional girl at heart. I appreciate an out-of-faith marriage is not exactly traditions, nor is dating, but that kind of happened by accident in any case (a very long story for this thread).

Any pointers are extremely gratefully appreciates !

[humkire]

Dear Bertie,

Cool! do post that 'very long story' if u wish to, either here or to me in private. I love long stories, longer the better hehe!

And since you are in a fluid state in terms of location due to your work, I suppose you could learn via the internet. Depending which mid eastern country you are in, there are pockets of Sikhs out there too that could help you to learn Punjabi, Sikh prayers etc etc. Another source you can tap to learn which you are probably doing already is this lady you are friends with, and some of her family , friends or relatives. Sikhs are generally friendly and helpful and genuinely kind when help is requested.Life is such that when we really want to achieve something we will climb any mountains and hurdles to reach our goal fast. See the X Factor 2009 winner, Joseph McElderry's winning song on you tube 'The Climb'.

I mentioned about the simplicity in Sikhism concerning proposing and marriage involving no rings, money and gifts but rather a true love and lifelong commitment. Bloom has tried saying this too. However as you have read many uninformed people tend to dig back unnecessarily into the previous traditions of the culture they come from. If, in your discussions with her, you feel her family insist on this, you will need to ask her rather than anyone else to teach and guide you as to what her family wants. There is a variation in terms of cultural practices relating to marriage depending on the region people come from, in the Punjab and India. There are also variations in terms of where Sikhs are settled around the world and the safest is to actually be talking to your friend and let her family work out how.

That said, I must point out that from a strictly religious point of view many of these derived traditions are totally unnecessary and in fact clash with the teachings of Sikhism as they originate from a pre-Sikh, Hindu era in the Punjab and succeeding generations of lukewarm Sikhs have unwittingly embraced them in an unholy alliance of the Sikh religion and Hinduistic culture. Sikh reformist movements in the past 100 years have tried to cleanse the religion of such destructive and parasitic influences. If you read up http://www.sgpc.net/rehat_maryada/section_four_chap_eleven.html , this outlines the accepted official conventions for Sikh marriages . On youtube there are plenty of examples of

Sikh marriages performed in materialistic trappings of gifting, money, jewellery and celebrations involving alcohol etc bereft of any true spirituality and humility which half the time tend to end up in a sad painful divorce. However, you can also discover very simple beautiful Sikh weddings without pomp and splendour that are set in a truly religious context that are very inspiring and sincere that evolve into life long relationships based on Truth.

I suppose in your case, you can keep all this very simple and focus on becoming a Sikh as fast as possible, given that you have researched into the religion and made your choice of both partner and religion. Give yourself a deadline to learn the basics of Punjabi and reading how to read and understand Shree Guru Granth Sahib if possible or just the dailt prayers to start. Get into a personal friendship in the USA with baptised Sikhs who live there and get baptised lets say within 6 months. Then approach your friend to be married to her and at that point let her family decide the best course of action. In the meantime through your own reading, learning and baptism you would have developed your own understanding of Sikh marriages which you could put forward in discussions with her family to elicit their response. Just remember there are countless blessed Sikhs who have got married with no rings on their fingers and tokens of £ or $101. That includes marriages in my own family.

This must be very exciting times for you involving sleepless nights hehe!