I feel like I've lost my purity...

[Guest gupt]

Pre context: I'm Amridhari and was looking for an Amridhari partner who has a Gursikh Amridhari family. I've been raised in sangat, samgams, and Sikhi camps my whole life and I'm deeply rooted in Sikhi. Sikhi is my life and the values taught by our Gurus are of the highest value to me. I love Guru Ji and I feel as if I failed Guru Ji. I have failed as a Sikh and I feel I've lost my purity, the purity I had kept intact till now from the day I took Amrit.. 

I had made a rule that the person I marry will be my past, present, and future. However, when I hit my twenties I realized that to get married you have to speak to many different people. And speaking is fine but the problem is I get attached too quickly. I had kept my guard high and strong for a while but it isn't easy when you're also a hopeful romantic. I want to get married by my mid-twenties and thus I began looking. I found someone online and we connected pretty well however that person(I'll be addressing them as R) was in another country. I insisted that we stop talking but R said let's continue to talk and see where things go before cutting it off so early. I had discussed with R the issues about why we wouldn't work out and did not want to get too attached but R insisted we keep talking and so we did. We talked for 3 months and within those months we had some intimate talks too which I felt bad about. At this point, I felt like I was in love with this person and was ready to move for them but at the same time, I was doubtful of their love. When I suggested that we take this to the parents to make it official, R backed out and left. R wanted me to come over for a few days and do intimate things before marriage which I said no to and I felt terrible that I allowed R to speak to me in intimate ways and also engaged in it myself. I thought it was R's way of expressing love but I was wrong. 

 

After this, I completely shut myself off and didn't want to look for anyone else. I was healing and asked Guru Ji for forgiveness. I was doing okay and then again I met another person online (going to address them as Y). Y had approached me through a Sikh dating app and we connected. I didn't initially think of Y as someone I would want to marry and whenever we talked I thought that Y was boring. However, Y always looked for a way to talk to me. We connected in Jan 2023 but properly started talking in August 2023. I don't know what happened but we started talking and things were flowing smoothly and I started liking Y. We exchanged social media and our numbers and we were talking every day. We also discussed any issues that would come up if we were to get married and I told Y that with the looks of it it's better to stop talking but Y insisted that we keep talking and see where things go. I got attached but told Y that we had to break it off because his family wasn't Amridhari and I didn't want to move to where Y was living. Y was upset and I can't bear it when people are upset with me so I started talking to Y again. I broke it off and patched it with Y three times because we both like each other very much but our families and lifestyles aren't compatible. I grew up within sangat and Sikhi all my life but Y has grown up going to the gurdwara every Sunday for a while, going to parties, and weddings where there is meat and alcohol. He is Amridhari but his family is the full opposite. Y's sisters don't believe in keeping Kesh and I don't want my kids to grow up in that environment. I spoke to Y about all these concerns and we both concluded that it's best that we break it off but we couldn't. We kept coming to each other and decided to give it time and sort things out. Within this period we got attached deeply mentally, emotionally, and physically. Our relationship is completely online but we have exchanged intimate moments through video calls, texts, voice notes, and photos. We both love each other but know that we don't belong together and somewhere in my heart I know that Y isn't the right person for me in the long term. But now that I've shared all of myself with Y I feel so wrong even thinking about marrying anyone else. I've had moments and conversations with Y that should only be between a husband and wife and now I feel I've fallen as Sikh of the Guru. I have indulged in lustful acts (which I won't lie came from a point of love), but now that I know I can't be with Y, it's eating me up alive. What do I do? My family and friends don't approve of Y either and they want me to find someone else and I know that they are right. I feel impure and Y has a part of me that I can never get back. I love Y and though it's been only 4 months I feel as if I won't be able to love someone else. I wish I could restart and stop myself from doing all the wrong things but now I don't know what to do... 

 

Please advice