How Would You Feel If You Received A Rishta, But..

[Guest QWERTY]

Gurfateh.

How would you feel/react if you got a rishta from a bibi that was unable to have children/had very slim chances?

First off, would you consider the rishta? Or would you automatically be put off or unsure?

Secondly, when would you expect to be told? Right at the very beginning when you can easily refuse the rishta? At what point would it upset you that you had not yet been told? When does it become dishonesty?

Thirdly, how would you feel knowing that you could never have a child of your own? Please bear in mind that adoption is incredibly difficult. Priority is given to certain parents, the number of couples looking to adopt greatly outnumbers children available for adoption and adopting new born babies is quite rare, so in most instances the child will know that they are not your flesh and blood.

And finally, would your parents take issue with this? Would you expect to be able to discuss this with them from the outset? How do you think your parents would react and how would you expect them to react?

Obviously, it is Guru Maharaajs bhaana whether or not someone is able to have childen but lets be frank: this is something that people may and often will take issue with. We cannot always look at it with rose tinted glasses and assume that people aren't upset/affected by these situations. It does not necessarily make you a bad person for thinking twice or saying no, does it?

In general, what are your thoughts on the matter? Please share your honest thoughts and opinions.

Note: I have kept my gender anonymous for a reason so please don't ask. Thank you.

Gurfateh.

[Guest Guest]

1. Would still consider it if the girl made up for it in other areas - good family, strong jeevan, personality etc . But they would have to make up in those areas in a big way

2. Would expect to be told if things got serious, would be dishonesty if not told before engagement

3. Is definately a big thing but not a deal breaker. Plenty of other couples struggle to have children not knowing there would be any problems beforehand.

4. Traditional parents probably would have an issue but ultimately would go with their child's wishes if he was happy.

Hope this put your mind at rest

[m4ndy]

Well il try and answer them by order:

1. If you had a rishta and this bibi told you that she can't have children or a very slim chance, I would not automatically say no, because don't forget she was honest about it in the first place, she could have easily hidden her problem and married you anyway. Times have changed, technology has advanced to have children.

2. If it was me and I was going to marry someone and they had a problem, I would want to know about it, after all you are going to spend a whole lifetime with one person, so problems need to be out in the open if not those problems will arise in married life and they are not small problems that's life changing. Dishonesty is if she didn't tell you in the first place, not only is her life ruined but yours would be too.

3. If would be heartbreaking to know that, to know that you won't have a child of your own wouldn't be the same for you or the child because it would create problems later on in life with the real birth parents of that child you bring up, not to mention some children treat adoptive parents differently but not in all cases this is rare. You need to think can I live a future without having my OWN children?

4. I think parents wouldn't be happy about it since why else to people get married to have children. If you get married and you can't have children it becomes (lust) a need for sexual desire Which is wrong. in Sikhism family life is important relationships between families grow and when you get old at least you would have children to look after you. I think overall parents would be upset and angry because having children brings happiness and bliss into the household.

Some people don't even get married and rather live a life of pure devotion to god, it's a personal experience for each individual to find that out. You have a choice to haw children or don't have any on the case of ONE individual rishta, is this person worth you not having children? Don't forget it just won't be you affected by this it would be yur family too, it would be like a generation has been lost before it even got started. There are many people out there who can't have children, this one couple had their first child 12 years later. It does happen sometimes, you got to have faith and do ardas and ask god to bless you with a child. If it's scientific and there is no way around then adoption can only be considered, unless in your family somone is willing to give a child to you.

My opinion I wouldn't want to marry someone who can't have children, simply because that's why I would be getting married for to have children and lead a family life.

I hope I was of some help to you, I hope it goes all well for you in what ever you decide.

[Guest W]

I know its not well accepted in the indian community, but there are so many children who need adoption. I would think this is especially the case with punjabi girls.

Also, depending on how deep your pockets are you can really do a ton to increase your chance of conception. Perhaps a visit to a fertility specialist would get you some answers?

I think being a mother has very little to do with having the child, and more to do with how you treat the child after they are born. Some child out there, perhaps yet to be born, has their prayers answered and gets a mother who loves her. What a lucky baby, and what a lucky husband to end up with such a woman.

[Akaalkaur84]

Gurfateh.

Just a note on the 'when does it become dishonesty or deceipt'....please think about how hard it may be for someone to even talk about this subject in the first place...as it can take time to build up the courage to discuss this. I think if its been discussed before any final confirmation of the rishta via a ceremony/engagement, then this is ok but its ones individual perception of the situation

• How do u know that someone cant have kids…has the person told you or someone lse told you as it may not vene be true? also, men can have this problem and they wouldnt know until they tried as there are various medical problems for men and conceiving including low sperm count and poor sperm function abilities! how would a male know he has these problems....? he wouldnt so it seems quite low of someone to be saying no for this sole reason!
• Problems to conceive more often are un known until one tries so go ahead and marry a bibi who hasn’t got the problem and you may find that she cant conceive, just that you didn’t know before hand!
• There are health problems out there, but the real Dr is Vaheguru so if there were problems, you could do arddas and he will listen…but the result will be his bhaana
• Don’t marry for kids, but because it’s the merging of two souls into one…’ ek jot dooe moorti’ And 788 of Sri Guru Grant Sahib ji..please read the shabad and it meaning
• What does your Guru say…have you tried taking hukamnamma? may help you with your decision
• Adoption is not an issue these days…especially for asian couples as there is so much need for asian parents willing to adopt
• ‘own flesh and blood’?-nothing in this world is our own…it is all vahegurus! Mahraaj has created marriage as a unity to merge two souls into one, to do good things in the world, and to practice gurmat to the fullest….if this is there, and children are in your kismet , it will happen….its almost as if you feel its ur decision about who u marry and that because YOU want kids, you will get them…you’re forgetting…we are mere puppets of the game of vaheguru..dont forget that!
• There is so much panthic seva needed out there with others' kids that if if both couple have chardi kala jeevans and have something to give to the community, then the couple should marry to make a difference
• As previously mentioned, there are more important factors that you should be considering, ie gurmat jeevan, rehat, etc than a minor issue that Guru ji can change if he wanted to
• Parents…so long as the couple stick by eachother, no one else can ruin anything for them….just don’t forget…what happens is because its what pleases Vaheguru..who are we?

Please remember that as gursikhs, our actions reflect on the panth and our father Guru Gobind Singh ji……we are here to sacrifice our head for our Guru so what minor issue is this possibility of not being able to have kids? It isn’t an issue and if an issue is made of it, then it is shallow as if ardaas is done for something, your guru will sort it for you….put ur faith in mahraaj!

Hope this helps the concerned brother or sister

Gurfateh

[Guest doaba_jatt]

I know back in our pends, a rishtedaar man's wife couldn't have children so he got a 2nd wife.

[Guest Guest]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

"Honesty is the best policy"

Don't think there is a Sati-Savitri or Dhudh-di-dhuli out in the world.

So next best option is to respect and consider those who are atleast honest.

ਸਚੁ ਸਭਨਾ ਹੋਇ ਦਾਰੂ ਪਾਪ ਕਢੈ ਧੋਇ ॥ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਵਖਾਣੈ ਬੇਨਤੀ ਜਿਨ ਸਚੁ ਪਲੈ ਹੋਇ ॥੨॥(SGGS jeeo - Ang 468)

Truth is the medicine for all; it removes and washes away our sins. Nanak speaks this prayer to those who have Truth in their laps. ||2||

Frankly majority at Sikh Sangat are finding it hard just to find a girl or guy friend or control Kaam and you are here asking about kids !

Am not asking your Gender but how Old are you ?

I think it is unwise to be old and still be choosy.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[Guest QWERTY]

Thank you so much to anyone who has replied so far, I really really appreciate it. Thank you.

4. Traditional parents probably would have an issue but ultimately would go with their child's wishes if he was happy.

Hope this put your mind at rest

I am surprised to hear this..I would have thought that most traditional parents will surely say that the rishta shouldn't go ahead? And if there's another option, then wouldn't most people rather choose someone who is able to have children? Since children are what almost everyone wants in life at some point..

Some people don't even get married and rather live a life of pure devotion to god, it's a personal experience for each individual to find that out. You have a choice to haw children or don't have any on the case of ONE individual rishta, is this person worth you not having children? Don't forget it just won't be you affected by this it would be yur family too, it would be like a generation has been lost before it even got started. There are many people out there who can't have children, this one couple had their first child 12 years later. It does happen sometimes, you got to have faith and do ardas and ask god to bless you with a child. If it's scientific and there is no way around then adoption can only be considered, unless in your family somone is willing to give a child to you.

My opinion I wouldn't want to marry someone who can't have children, simply because that's why I would be getting married for to have children and lead a family life.

Thanks for being honest. I agree, most people will think twice or choose someone else..It's a huge decision and like you said, has an impact on the whole family.

I know its not well accepted in the indian community, but there are so many children who need adoption. I would think this is especially the case with punjabi girls.

Also, depending on how deep your pockets are you can really do a ton to increase your chance of conception. Perhaps a visit to a fertility specialist would get you some answers?

I think being a mother has very little to do with having the child, and more to do with how you treat the child after they are born. Some child out there, perhaps yet to be born, has their prayers answered and gets a mother who loves her. What a lucky baby, and what a lucky husband to end up with such a woman.

You're absolutely right, adoption really isn't readily accepted in our community which is such a shame..but I suppose in order to change this, we should make it common practice by adopting ourselves.

Gurfateh.

Just a note on the 'when does it become dishonesty or deceipt'....please think about how hard it may be for someone to even talk about this subject in the first place...as it can take time to build up the courage to discuss this. I think if its been discussed before any final confirmation of the rishta via a ceremony/engagement, then this is ok but its ones individual perception of the situation

Thank you for your thoughts bhenji..your reply was of great comfort.

I know back in our pends, a rishtedaar man's wife couldn't have children so he got a 2nd wife.

I have seen this happen. Nothing good ever comes of it. Not to mention, it isn't in accordance with Gurmat..

Frankly majority at Sikh Sangat are finding it hard just to find a girl or guy friend or control Kaam and you are here asking about kids !

Am not asking your Gender but how Old are you ?

I think it is unwise to be old and still be choosy.

I am still young. But old enough to have seen marriages break up over this issue. It can make family life very stressful for everyone involved which is why I wanted to see how others felt.

Bhul chuk maaf.

Thank you again to everyone who took out their time to reply. It means a lot, thank you.

[gurdssingh]

_Qwerty_, I've read your post and my heart goes out to you.

I don't want to jump to conclusions on your gender as you have stated you don't want to be asked. If theres a medical condition or anything you know of which my prove to be hurdle it's only fair to tell the potential partner. It's very noble off someone to state this to a potential marriage partner, when seeking a rishta. However, times have changed and couples can get help with fertility treatments. If theres a chance someone in a marriage is unable to conceive get a second and third if not forth opinion, just to make sure.

It's not the end of the world. Theres numerous cases of people men and women being told they will never have a biological child of their own, but have defied the odds and had children. It may not be an easy or quick journey but many couples have had children after being told they will not be able too. Scientifically it might be proved but if someones in a loving relationship, has sharda and beliefs in Waheguru ji's hukam it may be possible if the almighty wishes to bless you. However, if it's not destined there are many orphans or unwanted children out there. There is no greater deed in this world than raising an unwanted child. Only those truely blessed can be bestowed the honour of raising another persons child as their own.

End of the day most people when getting married don't know if they are able to have children, it's just natural to think most can.

[Guest Med man]

Medical science has made many things possible body tho some might think they cant. Conceive chances r they can its best to be upfront i kno its hard this girl told me in 4 meetings she no Cud hav children it wasnt too late in the end we found we were incompatible maybe that was a factor subx conshosly i dunno possibly ? Anybay dont. Miss the boat either!