close to the egde, can't do it much longer

[Guest close to the edge]

So here I am posting for possibly one of the last times. This is no suicide note not that the thought doesn't run through my mind. But as we know that's taboo, not a real way out, and I would be stuck worse off than I already am.

So the point.

I'm a lazy person (fill that sentence with as many expletives as you can and that's what I really meant).

My life is in constant flux. Im doing ok, sikhi's good, then I'm in the dumps. NOt wanting to read bani, getting caught up in kaam and karodh and etc. One week I'm chardi kalah, and the next I'm maha papi. No kurehits, so pesh isn't a concern yet.

And I say that with a heavy heart because it sucks I have to make that distinction. I just don't have the drive anymore. I've picked myself up and thrown myself back into sikhi and then collapse again. Same with school, same with family, same with everything.

If I was a drug addict I'd understand, had a horrible childhood, was experiencing troubles, was diagnosed with some sort of pyschological disorder I would understand.

I have a great life, well provided for, do sangat of insanely high gurmukhs, have every resource to do whatever i need to do.

I just don't have that inner motivation to do anything. sikhi was one of the last things to start fading but it hurts the most.
And I don't see myself lasting much longer, I've gone through this same torture over and over, feeling good, feeling bad, getting better, pushing harder. but know I have nothing left. They say pick your self up and try again, but at some points your legs get so bloody and raw you can't stand. (writing this I think of all the shaheeds that actually experienced pain, makes me feel like crap, but I wan't you the reader to know that this may motivate me, for half a second, then it loses its grip on this mind)

Which is why I said this is the last time i may post, because I don't see me lasting any much longer before I hit catastrophe point and stuff changes so much that I never will get to post this again. (death by lightning bolt, disease from gods anger, or some other stuff)

So thats one thing. The next, I can't stop thinking why god, why?

As N30SINGH and other forum members say over and over on this forum "sabh govind hai". others say tere kirpa, sabh kich thuhee.

From what I understand of sikhi is that everything we percieve is god, everything is god, and somedays I can remember that. But then whats the point of it all? why is god making the game, then playing it himself, and making himself hate it, but push through anyways because at the end of the game, he wants to rejoin with himself, even though he never really seperated. And the things like the panj dhoot, are really god, torturing god, so they can stop god, from getting to god..

I really need someone to clear this head, before I snap, because I'm really close, really, really really close.

I value the opinions of lots of people on this forum, you have helped me through the past, please help me through this. I know I'm essentially asking the meaning of life/criticising the creators divine will but I'm so far gone family. please help.

[Guest Guest]

Bhaji/bhenji ur post could be describing me completely right now. As far as im aware, the only thing that ever helps is bani. Even if not doing yourself, have it playing in the background.

[Guest .]

I don't know what to say but I just wanted you to know that I've read your post. Hope you're okay.

[Guest close to the edge]

I don't know what to say but I just wanted you to know that I've read your post. Hope you're okay.

Thank you, again suicide is not the way, I would just get my butt kicked for wasting manas janam. So don't worry. I do believe in sikhi, I believe in god.

I feel myself lacking of anything good, anything given to me has been given by god, and yet I can't get free from this turmoil, I don't find that sehaj, even when I am maintaining good rehit and doing naam simran andhino I fall and crash. It's a never ending cycle to the point where I feel catatonic sometimes just trying to figure it out.

The biggest question is why? whats the point. I had bad sangat up until 5-6 years ago, was gifted sikhi, and ever since then felt inadequate. even after learning so much and changing, even after i took amrit, all I feel is inadequacy. I feel like god thrust me into his sangat, told me be like them, and then let me realise I was never worthy, and could never be like what he requires.

I'm a bad person, not as in I do bad things intentionally, but I have no control, can't function as a good person, it doesn't work I revert back, fall back on old habits, collapse from any sort of avastha I have over and over and over, and over, and over. i think it's like a biweekly cycle in which my polar ends flip, and I crash again. God is forgiving, yes, always, but one day, I'm pretty sure hes gunna say what is wrong with you, because we all hear and see the plight of others and know what can happen to us.

what boggles my mind is why????

again everything is waheguru parmeshwar, then why would god do this to himself? make a creation, in which he tortures himself, convincing himself, to join himself, and making it so hard to do so, causing pain, and etc. you get the point I am trying to make. And as sikhi says we've been doing this for so many lifetimes. what the point? why put yourself through this god? my mind is fracturing. I swear If i don't develop a multiple identity disorder or something soon I will be very surprised.

[singher23]

I think it would be in your best interest to speak with someone, as soon as you can. Have you tried to tell anyone of your problems? Your parents, your siblings, your friends? They will help you.

And then you need to see a psychiatrist. It is possible you have depression, which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It affects many people, and is a medical problem having to do with the neurons in your brain. Please speak to someone as soon as you can

[Jangal Da]

Try Samaritans rather than SikhSangat.

I

[N30S1NGH]

Human being is looking wrong place for happiness. Hence, the suffering. Just like deer walking on a desert see mirage, think its water and keep looking for water in mirage and die out of thirst as it was looking in the wrong place to begin with.

This world way it appears it just illusion as sri guru tegh bahudar says in shalok mahalla nuavan. Our real self and essence is supreme soul but in illusion we think we are body which is made out of 5 elements, our mind is affected by kam, krodh, moh, lob, ahankar so we suffer. It's not just about purifying the mind either, its about going back to mind's root (mool) as Sri guru maharaj says - Man tu jot saroop hai apna mool painchain- O mind, you real essence/root is jot saroop(atma-paratma God), recnognize yourself!!

Soul does not suffer but rather suffering is only in mind because of ego/illusion, after we die- its astral mind along with our subtle body faces the consequences or suffers not the soul itself. This whole idea of individualistic soul - jiv atma is only there in the mind which is effected by illusion or ego, once mind/intuition/surti understands, perceive and realize its root- joti saroop- atma paratma- it rises above from perception that - he is individualistic soul - jiv atma..that the real self was never jev atma to begin with... its just perceived in illusion that way- jiv atma, that our real self always been Atma-Paratma which is Vahiguroo- Supreme blissful/consciousness

Once our intuition mind/surti is attached with supreme soul(atma-paratma) then there is no suffering. There is suffering to body but our intuitation/mind attached with the root- essence where it all began- Supreme Soul, there is no suffering in our own real self- atma-paratma. Only - sat chit anand..!!

[Guest Take it slow]

Also see http://www.sikhhelpline.com/ if you want Sikh specific help. You are not alone!!

Generally it's just a phase it'll be over soon.

My responses as I have been where you are:

'I'm a lazy person (fill that sentence with as many expletives as you can and that's what I really meant).'

Ok so am I but dont tell yourself that.

Your thoughts are (by and large) your control, you'll shape your actions with your thoughts and thus change your life.

For me admitting I am prone to laziness was the start of not being lazy. Note how I phrased that. 'I am lazy' vs 'I am prone to laziness'

'My life is in constant flux. Im doing ok, sikhi's good, then I'm in the dumps. NOt wanting to read bani, getting caught up in kaam and karodh and etc. One week I'm chardi kalah, and the next I'm maha papi. No kurehits, so pesh isn't a concern yet.'

I'm at this stage also. First realise you may need to take a step back from yourself and not be so hard on yourself. Sincerely do not believe you are maha papi.

Everyone falls! This is why Guru/Vaheguru is so forgiving. Trust me Vaheguru isn't giving you anymore than you can take - this will pass and you'll be so much stronger than if you didn't have this experience! Gold is purified in the heat, a diamond is formed under pressure. It's challenges and how we overcome them that matters.

'And I say that with a heavy heart because it sucks I have to make that distinction. I just don't have the drive anymore. I've picked myself up and thrown myself back into sikhi and then collapse again. Same with school, same with family, same with everything.'

It's an important distinction. Don't throw yourself into Sikhi then. Walk slowly step by step back to Guru like I am if you need to build your confidence and faith in Guru. A flower does not burst open straight away, it opens slowly, a building doesnt stand without good foundations and is made a brick at a time.

'The same with School family and everything' is most likely not true, it's just how you feel. This is called global attribution and typical in depression. Recognise that there are still good in you and plently of things you are doing well or ok in.

'If I was a drug addict I'd understand, had a horrible childhood, was experiencing troubles, was diagnosed with some sort of pyschological disorder I would understand.

I have a great life, well provided for, do sangat of insanely high gurmukhs, have every resource to do whatever i need to do.

I just don't have that inner motivation to do anything. sikhi was one of the last things to start fading but it hurts the most.
And I don't see myself lasting much longer, I've gone through this same torture over and over, feeling good, feeling bad, getting better, pushing harder. but know I have nothing left. They say pick your self up and try again, but at some points your legs get so bloody and raw you can't stand. (writing this I think of all the shaheeds that actually experienced pain, makes me feel like crap, but I wan't you the reader to know that this may motivate me, for half a second, then it loses its grip on this mind)

Which is why I said this is the last time i may post, because I don't see me lasting any much longer before I hit catastrophe point and stuff changes so much that I never will get to post this again. (death by lightning bolt, disease from gods anger, or some other stuff)'

Also been there recently. Im very blessed, but I started to compare myself with others and this looking at others was superficial. Everyone has problems. There is a point where one can be drained. What really works is talking. Nothing beats talking to another person, a trusted friend. Then taking it slow. Sometimes we need to slow down to go faster later (very martial art but applies to Sikhi and spiritual progress)! Patience and heartfelt ardas will change you.

Read Bandginama find it here: http://www.esikhs.com/articles/Bandgi_Nama.pdf for your spiritual questions but speak to someone - a caring human being!

One for you sister or brother, as this hit me (it's not Gurbani but I take it as from Guru as message anyhow at that time) when I felt the same a few weeks ago:

http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/I%27ve_seen_better_days,_But_i%27ve_also_seen_worse._I_don%27t_have_everything_that_I_want,_But_I_do_have_/403806/

[Guest close to the edge]

Human being is looking wrong place for happiness. Hence, the suffering. Just like deer walking on a desert see mirage, think its water and keep looking for water in mirage and die out of thirst as it was looking in the wrong place to begin with.

This world way it appears it just illusion as sri guru tegh bahudar says in shalok mahalla nuavan. Our real self and essence is supreme soul but in illusion we think we are body which is made out of 5 elements, our mind is affected by kam, krodh, moh, lob, ahankar so we suffer. It's not just about purifying the mind either, its about going back to mind's root (mool) as Sri guru maharaj says - Man tu jot saroop hai apna mool painchain- O mind, you real essence/root is jot saroop(atma-paratma God), recnognize yourself!!

Soul does not suffer but rather suffering is only in mind because of ego/illusion, after we die- its astral mind along with our subtle body faces the consequences or suffers not the soul itself. This whole idea of individualistic soul - jiv atma is only there in the mind which is effected by illusion or ego, once mind/intuition/surti understands, perceive and realize its root- joti saroop- atma paratma- it rises above from perception that - he is individualistic soul - jiv atma..that the real self was never jev atma to begin with... its just perceived in illusion that way- jiv atma, that our real self always been Atma-Paratma which is Vahiguroo- Supreme blissful/consciousness

Once our intuition mind/surti is attached with supreme soul(atma-paratma) then there is no suffering. There is suffering to body but our intuitation/mind attached with the root- essence where it all began- Supreme Soul, there is no suffering in our own real self- atma-paratma. Only - sat chit anand..!!

but veerjee, why is there this illusion at all. why are there so many things trying to skew perception. why was there the necessity of creating this astral mind and subtle body and leading it astray.

If all is atma-paratma, including human beings and the world and these distractions are also atma-paratma, what was the point of this?

People will probably say it's all rabh dee khel. This game is not fun, it feels, forgive me, masochistic. I feel horrible saying this, and If I am offering any insult forgive me it is out of ignorance.

....are you trying to say that the soul never experiences any discomfort except for being away from prabhu parmeshwar? that although the mind runs around like crazy screaming, the soul is just sitting and watching the <banned word filter activated> mind wandering?

still though, why the illusion at all? akaal ji made this illusion right? because nothing is out of akaal ji. so why?

[N30S1NGH]

I probably won't have answers to all your questions as answering them is to capture beauty of divine in a bowl- i am sorry that cannot be done, some things cannot be explained but just felt, experienced.

but veerjee, why is there this illusion at all. why are there so many things trying to skew perception. why was there the necessity of creating this astral mind and subtle body and leading it astray.

If all is atma-paratma, including human beings and the world and these distractions are also atma-paratma, what was the point of this?

Illusion is there because we have conditioned our mind/sub consciousness mind ( from many previous births-sanaskar) to see it that way, now to remove veil of illusion which was put on initially by us to begin with and remove them one by one is will take time - its not over night thing, is to go back to our root (Man tu jot saroop hai, apna mool paichain) which means- living in this world de-attaching our perception of this individualistic world/soul etc and attaching it with our real self- universal love world(ONE LIGHT/JOT Vahiguroo/IKONGKAR)...you see we are not changing this world but we are simply changing our perception(dristhi) of this world...how do we change it? There are many ways but in Gurmat- meditate on vahiguroo while including self-reflection- initially we meditate as two as there is separation felt but as one meditation perception(dristhi) slowly changes to the point there is no seperation and there is only one (It was never I to begin with it was in your perception and head ) but it was only U-

"kabir tu tu karta tu hua , mujh mein rha na hoon
jab aapa par ka mitt gya , jat dekhaan tat tu"
means- reciting ur name i became u ,my ego is elliminated'
when feeling of urs and mine is elliminated ,where i sees there is u.