Abuse Mental/physical

[Guest Bham99]

My sis has been married about 8 years in that time she has told me about a number if occasions where she has been either physically or mentally abused. She has 3 kids and lives with mum in law, hubby, 3 of her kids plus hubby's brother, wife n 2 kids.

This has been going on on n off for too long...her hubby drinks n is diabetic....not a great combo....

I feel like i am letting this happen n saying its ok as I dont take any action upon what i hear. However when i saw my sis not too long ago she broke down n cried....i have never seen my sister so defeated....she has said she can try n take physical abuse but not mental abuse...

I dont get why she should accept any form of abuse at all....my sis has my mums old school mentality re keep issues behind closed doors....dont let anyone know ...also the biggy is what will people say etc....i am of the mindest which i feel is right that if he aint changed his ways of abuse n drinkin etc in 8 yrs he NEVER will..... I have tried soooo many times to get my sister to understand that n leave him...BUT she won't i have told her the impact this is already having on her eldest as well as the other 2....she has begged me not to tell my brother BUT after seeing my sister so broken i had no choice but to tell him....i have sat down n discussed it all and we have agreed we are going down on the weekend to bring sis n kids home....the situation with my sis is a repeat cycle of what happened with my mum....i want this to stop now....BUT so many issues n barriers....our mums away for a few weeks....my brother and I feel it is right decision to bring her home....my sisters mindset is...."he's been ok this week, if he hits me again then i will leave" however i feel she wouldnt tell me if he has hit her as she will have to uproot kids n sis will feel like a burden to mum....

How do I make my sister see sense when she has old school thinking.....i have told her to just pack thing n come but she is waiting for him to lay a finger on het....she says she wants to do this alone....i feel like i am condoning it..i may as well be abusing her myself thats how it feels....

How do i knock some sense into my sister....i can't see her hurting anymore she doesn't deserve this kind of life no one does....she is and has always been a loving, genuine,sincere,caring, thoughtful,respectful hardworking girl.....I dont know how to help my little sister

[skaur8888]

your sister may be worried about dragging you and brother into this, and the "shame" bought onto the family of leaving her husband but she's very lucky to have family willing to help. my mum was in a similar situation and although massi/mama tried to support her - no-one was willing to help in the way you're suggesting. But she can survive without him, other women like my mum have done it, it isn't easy especially in our society where the woman tends to be blamed, but the fact she has family on her side makes a big difference.

one way to get through to her is to tell her its your duty as brothers to protect her and her children now you know the truth and you have no choice but to get her out the situation that if he carries on this way how will her children manage without a mother as his behaviour may end up with her being badly hurt or worse. Rather than her leaving by herself, I would go and collect her, it shows that she's not on her own. Don't give up on helping her out of this situation, she will find it very difficult to get out without support. In the meantime, why don't you and brother speak to her husband and make it clear you won't put up with him abusing her? makes me sick how these men think its ok to abuse women

[skaur8888]

there's so much domestic violence in our society but it goes invisible as we sweep it under the carpet because of the shame if it comes out, our gurujis respected women and want us to stand up for and protect those being bullied.

maybe contacting Sikh helpline or Sikh Awareness Society for advice too (sorry couldn't paste the weblinks, but just do a search on google)

Hope that helps

[singhbj singh]

Problem could be living in Joint family.

I think your family should help her family move to a new residence (including husband).

Some elder should suggest this to her husband & get his feedback.

Initially get them a place on lease & see whether things change or not.

[Bham99]

Thanks for the replies .....its very frustrating as my sis has stated that she wants to do it her way which is ....wait n see n if he hits me again then i will leave, in the meantime she may have another serious talk with him.

She said she will be fumin if we get involved n she wants to do it her way which she feels is tge right way which is VERY old school....shouldnt have to wait for another incident....this is the same cycle as it has been for past 8yrs.....how do i make her see sense n tell her to come out before he does some serious damage to her?...

[skaur8888]

contact the 2 groups I mentioned in last message as they're experienced in supporting women with violent husbands so can suggest how to overcome her fears. the mental abuse he's giving her may be affecting her confidence and self-respect as he may be telling her she's worthless and nothing without him and how will she manage with 3 children alone - its like brainwashing.

I'm surprised more people haven't responded with advice but there's a lot of silence and apathy about domestic violence in our community and there seems to be mostly men on this site so maybe they just don't it see it as a problem.

please also ask for Waheguruji' to bless you with strength to help your sister

[skaur8888]

websites are sikhhelplinecom and sasorg.co.uk

[Bham99]

Thanks Skaur8888 I will contact the two groups you have posted. Thank you for your help and support in this.

[skaur8888]

no problem, hope things get better for your sister and family