Arrgghhh

[Guest confused.com]

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

I am soooo angry and frustrated I could seriously just beat someone up!

My family is driving me bonkers! And when I attempt to solve things or help I get in trouble and I don’t understand!!!!!!!

Basically, my brother is married, well he is not like my brother as in born of the same parents, he is my uncle’s son, but we live under the same roof here and back in Punjab and so it’s more or less like he is my ‘real’ brother…anyways that’s not the point.

So yeah he is having an affair and he has been married for 8years and has two young children, his wife is clued on and was threatening to divorce him and she had a full blown world war 3 with her immediate parents-in-law (mine are the younger parents-in-law) and then didn’t talk to no one for like a whole week, even though we (as in me and my immediate siblings and my parents) were not involved in this fight. So yeah then it all sort of smoothed over and by that I mean at the end of the week she realised she had to talk to us in order for things to function as normal, anyways then my brother told me it’s over between him and this woman (who is also married and a mother of 2) but then on Friday night they were texting each other and he said to her “oh my sister is here I can’t talk now” and so she rings him and says “I want to talk to your sister”, and he was pressuring me to talk with her. I told him to get lost and that there was no way I was going to talk to her, I have already met her, she was in his car one time when he came to pick me up from University, I didn’t think much of it because he just introduced her as a friend and I was ok with that…so yeah I said I am not talking to her and he got all moody and angry and is not speaking to me now and my family’s like blaming me and saying it’s your own fault and why do you always annoy him?? They love him to bits and never see his wrong doings or say anything to him…anyway, soon there will two big family weddings and he is inviting her and wants me to say she is my friend!!!!!!!!!! I was like WHAT?!?!? I want nothing to do with her or him for that matter, they make me sick!!!!!

I have told him countless times if you want to mess around with other women, get a divorce, and then he get’s all angry with me because apparently I am making it sound as though he is a desperate male so and so…anyways then he always get’s upset and goes on about how my Bhabi is not a good wife and how they have no connection (including not sleeping in the same bed) and how he is disappointed that she is not the ideal life partner for him and that is the ONLY reason he looks for “companionship” else where, so I asked him why did you marry her? And he replied he felt pressured because she is a cousin of a cousin (through marriage) and when they arranged the marriage he felt obliged to say yes…anyways even my Dad has sat him down and said either sort yourself out or divorce her and he’s like what about my children blah blah blah and basically no one has any courage to sort this out, not even my Bhabi, I mean if it was me in this situation I would have walked and taken the kids the FIRST time I got wind of what was going on, she gets all zesty for a bit and then just lets it go again, but she also manipulates her kids into lying and it’s got nothing to do with them!!!

But yeh my problem is I am so angry because if I try to help, then my mom tells me I am not to interfere and I have to keep shtum, and then I get so angry towards my brother to the point where I despise him, but I don’t want to hate him because I try to remember that he contains the light of God (somewhere) and he is another creation of God and that if God is without hate and enmity then why should I have these negative feelings towards him, and then it feels like I am living in a void where I try to feel nothing and then after weekends like this I am dropped back to earth with a thud and I just want to punch something (or someone)

I try to help them (my brother and Bhabi) in terms of Sikhi, in my whole entire family & extended family there is only like 8 Amritdhari people so Sikhi is not something that is really practiced in the majority, I have started with basics and sometimes my brother is so overcome and he tries but then it all goes out the window and my Bhabi doesn’t want to know at all, we can barely get her to go Gurdwara when we are invited to an Akhand Paath or Langar never mind anything else, and the scary thing or the realisation is I know if they lived GurSikh jeevans there is no way any of the above would be happening, people say “it’s kalyug” or it’s their fate, but to me that sounds like an opt out to ignore doing anything about what’s going on, or maybe it is just their kismet and/or karam and I just need to learn to not say and do nothing?

Please help!

[xkaurx]

Firstly calm downnnnn!! getting angry wont help the situation and it certainly wont make you feel any better. Your bro needs to grow up a bit, if theres no connection between them and hes only with your bhabi for the sake of the kids then whats the point? hes not doing himself any favours. hes being unfair not only to himself but ur whole family.

You've tried your best to help them and there not listening well what more can you do? to be honest this is between them, its come as a bit of a shock to your bhabi obviously shes not gona no what to do they've bin married 8years and thats a long time but walking out with the kids like you mentioned isnt the way to go about it. they need to talk things through and take it from there. Gursikh or not loads of couples go through rough patches thats just the way marriage is, its not easy you have to work at it and it doesnt always plan out the way you want it to but thats life.

As for the other woman u really dont need to have any relations with her stay out of it or your only get the blame in the end, i cant believe hes trying to get you involved thats crazy, he obviously has not respect for his relationship with your bhabi, i mean if they really were having problems he could have had the decency to go and tell her it wasnt working rather than betraying her in such a way. But these things happen and theres nothing you can do about it now apart from getting them to speak to each other, staying quiet and ignoring one another is only gona hold them back from working things out.

Taking the first steps always the hardest but someones gona have to take it especially for the sake of the kids and the only people who i think will be able to encourage them are the parents or someone older, nowadays the younger lot have no influence on such matters which is silly. But i think you just need to be there for your bhabi right now she could use all the support she can get because it must be really hard for her. But dont worry about it too much im sure things will work themselves out sooner or later itl just take time.

[Guest ...]

^^^ good advice

basically stop yourself from getting involved in either hindering or aiding your brother's new relationship. it's not your situation to deal with.

stay out of it completely otherwise trust me even if you're a good person with good intentions people who have already made up their minds in life will drag you down with them.

this is easier said coming from someone whose family this isnt but don't judge or try to live their life for them. we haven't walked around in those people's shoes. sometimes you need to fall to bounce back..

your role should only be to give gurmat advice and make a Gursikh jeevan an accessible pathway to them but it is for those people to decide whether to take it.

someone once told me the time you spend trying to convince a person who has already made up his mind is wasted, instead channel it into Simran, Sewa or those with open minds like his children - the future of the Panth.

[Guest confused.com]

Thanks you guys for the response; I guess I needed to hear this stuff from people outside this whole thing...I don't know why but I saw this as some sort of personal crusade to go and help and save them (lol) I tend to think I can solve things overnight but obv. the reality of things is a whole lot different...so yea I do try to help my Bhabi and talk to her and try to understand buttttt she makes things a whole lot difficult for herself so again only so much anyone can do...so I've decided I'm going to leave them to it, I've had enough, plus I'm moving out in a few months and then that way it can't affect me at all!

But yeah, thanks again for taking your time out to reply, much appreciated.