Dowry

[guptkuri]

As talks are on about my engagment, I just found out that my parents want to gift me a house and my moms brothers want to pay for all the furniture and whatever else I need for the house. Does that count as dowry? The guy I will be marrying does not know about any of this, infact we are still in the process of selecting him. The guy is going to be from India and my family does not wish to see me struggle to rebuilt a life here.

Is it wrong for me to accept this from my parents? Does it make it harder for other girls, whose parents can't afford to give such gifts?

I am really confused because all my life I made scarfices along with rest of my family, so we could be where we are today. I have had to live in less, so the family could save up to have more. Does me getting married mean I have no right on any of it anymore and my family should give me nothing? If I was to marry in the states, it would be different because the guy would be settled here. But since he lives in India, the chance of him having the kindof money it would take to buy a house here and everything else, is very slim. Its just not realistic. I am confused because I feel like the stuff my parents would be giving me is mine anyways but at same time, I don't want to contribute to dowry practice.

What to do?

[VanHelsingh]

Isn't dowry when the guy's family asks for "stuff" from the girl's family? Apologies - I don't know much about these type of customs.

[guptkuri]

Isn't dowry when the guy's family asks for "stuff" from the girl's family? Apologies - I don't know much about these type of customs.

I don't know this kindof stuff either. thats y i was asking

[JSinghN]

I don't know this kindof stuff either. thats y i was asking

A dowry is where the grooms family request 'gifts' such as money, property in order for the groom to marry the girl. This practice has been prevalent in India. However, ive never seen it happen in sikh families....though i could be wrong....If your own parents want to give you a house then i dnt think that counts as a dowry within its strict definition.....

[guptkuri]

A dowry is where the grooms family request 'gifts' such as money, property in order for the groom to marry the girl. This practice has been prevalent in India. However, ive never seen it happen in sikh families....though i could be wrong....If your own parents want to give you a house then i dnt think that counts as a dowry within its strict definition.....

okay, thanks. I know about dowry now and I don't feel guilty about taking my parents gifts.

[Balait_da_Sher]

It is a common practise, just make sure that house is in your name. I know it sounds bad but it is best to be careful. When I say it is common practise, I mean that a lot of guys I know who come from india after getting married in UK tend to live with their inlaws mostly. Then eventually they find their own place. Sometime if the in-laws are in a position to do so, they will help with the cost of finding a place etc.

It all depends on your family's circumstances. If they can afford to give you a house, then why not. If they cannot, then why not take it but pay them back, bit by bit.

[VanHelsingh]

I've heard of cases where the guy from India - after realising that his missus' parents have gifted them a house - sends every single penny he earns back home, and devotes all his attention, time and money into ensuring that everything in Panjab is top-notch - mostly to the detriment of his marital home and the relationship with his wife.

Although if both wife and husband mutually agree beforehand to such an arrangement, I don't see much harm in sending money back home now and again. However, very rarely is a suitable balance kept. Its almost a greenlight to the guy not to pull his socks up and make a decent life for himself and his wife in whichever Western country he has settled in. If the guy knows he's going to have to work hard (alongside his wife) to keep a roof over both their heads, he's less likely to send extravagant sums of money to his parents for a new "khotee".

Something to bear in mind.

[kds1980]

As talks are on about my engagment, I just found out that my parents want to gift me a house and my moms brothers want to pay for all the furniture and whatever else I need for the house. Does that count as dowry? The guy I will be marrying does not know about any of this, infact we are still in the process of selecting him. The guy is going to be from India and my family does not wish to see me struggle to rebuilt a life here.

Is it wrong for me to accept this from my parents? Does it make it harder for other girls, whose parents can't afford to give such gifts?

I am really confused because all my life I made scarfices along with rest of my family, so we could be where we are today. I have had to live in less, so the family could save up to have more. Does me getting married mean I have no right on any of it anymore and my family should give me nothing? If I was to marry in the states, it would be different because the guy would be settled here. But since he lives in India, the chance of him having the kindof money it would take to buy a house here and everything else, is very slim. Its just not realistic. I am confused because I feel like the stuff my parents would be giving me is mine anyways but at same time, I don't want to contribute to dowry practice.

What to do?

There is very little difference between Gifts and dowry.The practice of dowry started from gifts.One cannot say that dowry is only which a groom's family ask for because

if a guy is getting married to a millionare's daughter he very well knows that he is going to receive plenty of money so why he or his family is going to ask for anything?

As far your question related to others is concerned ,yes it will have an impact on others.After hearing that your would be husband have received all this stuff many of his friends ,cousins etc will start having similar dreams so many families will be under lots of pressure to give as much amount so their daughters will be respected in their in laws house.So every case where a daughter receive plenty from his parents do contribute to the system of dowry

[Balait_da_Sher]

I think some good points are being discussed in this topic so guptkuri you must make sure you think about these. From a personally experience, my parents did make a simmilar mistake with my sister. She lives in India and was married there so parents gave her the usual stuff. Then when we used to go to India, we used to give my sisters lump sum of money. One of my sister's husband basically just stopped working. So my dad basically had to have a strong word with him (My Jija's dad passed away years ago so he looks up to my dad).

So the point is that, too much money may psychologically effect the munda and think I dont have to work hard for things as someone will just provide it. It may also create problems when he will expect something and your parents may not give it. At the same time, help like this from parents (if it doesn't have a negative effect on their finances) can give the kids a boost. So try to find the balance, maybe take the house but let it be known that its not a freebee and both you and your husband will need to pay toward it and eventually it will be yours. This will also ensure that back home he wont be letting others know that if you marry a kuri from USA, in laws will be handing out houses.

[VanHelsingh]

Something I've always been advised is "Tehl dekho, phir tehl di thaar dekho" which may sound a bit weird but in English goes something like "Watch the oil, then watch the direction in which it flows". I've always interpreted it as "Calm down and carefully observe how someone behaves & how events transpire. Then act accordingly".