Beards, Bow Ties And Dates

[rrss]

Buddasinghji, thank you for your comprehensive and very well thought over response, I found it very helpful.

As fightingsinghji notes above, your attitude shows a good balance between having to deal with maya whilst maintaining your principles. Certainly as far as my understanding of Sikhi goes, fighting in the face of adversity to uphold ideals is what is expected of us; and maya is certainly a battlefield as we must fight with ourselves not to be tempted by its allures, and should make a statement of our ideals rather than paticipate whilst maintaining a low profile (akin to selling out on one's principles I suppose); whilst still being kind and being devoid of ego.

Regarding having to bring a date- it is indeed not a strict requirement. Ideally, I would not like to have have a date (even if my friend is like my sister) and I wholeheartedly agree with having to deal with the consequences. If the intentions, actions and the heart is pure then the Maya-ic consequences be damned. I really liked your comment about carrying a kajoor, quite tongue in cheek!

I am the wealthy elite without a dollar in my pocket. At parties and those around me need to worry whether they should be more like me.

Well said.

"His actions are good, he is glorious and wealthy"

"Mortals are known by their actions; this is the way it has to be. They should show goodness, and not be deformed by their actions; this is how they are called beautiful. Whatever they desire, they shall receive; O Nanak, they become the very image of God."

[rrss]

There are some good replies here with useful ideas and with Guruji's kirpa I feel I know how to deal with the situation, so I consider my questions to be answered, thank you all.

For anyone who reads this in future and is wondering why this is such an issue of discomfort for me (after all, it's just an event) I thought it's important to share with others why practising Sikhs may feel uncomfortable when placed in this situation. To appreciate the gravity of the situation, I have inserted some references to Gurbani and other sources.

seriously sometimes you have to attend events

It's important to understand that there is no circumstance under which we have to attend these events and be subject to the allure of Maya's nest; it is we who put ourselves in this position. A Gursikh will value the virtue of Santokh, including freedom from ambition. In my personal circumstances, temptation and the greed of ambition (promoted by capitalist mentality of money-driven success) in the workplace that has eventually lead me to such a situation where I must attend a very fancy black tie/ballroom dancing event with guests who lack the high standards of morals that Gurksikhs set for themselves and who are also are critical and expectant of your obedient participation. Were I content with my a job that provides enough (with Guruji's kirpa) and not worrying about career progression, then I would never have to worry about having to face such a situation, nor would I have to worry about the consequences of not giving up my principles. I am attempting to escape the clutches of this mentality and move to a less competitive work place and job, but it will take some time and in the short term I have put myself in this situation where I must attend the event.

"They hope to earn wealth; their attachment to Maya increases." (SGGSji Ang 166)

"He continually chases after Maya and wealth, but even his own wealth flies away." (SGGSji Ang 307)

That established, let me explain why, in my personal opinion, I as a Gursikh would seek to avoid participation in such events:

1. Attending such events and taking pleasure from them is not only a distraction from our true purpose in life, it is possibly hazerdous to God realisation.

we arent alive to sit in a cave and mediatate all day every day.

Whilst Sikhi doesn't espouse extreme asceticism (renouncing all worldly posessions) of the form of monks sitting in caves (as, escetisicm as a ritualistic endevour in itself will not help you find God), it recognises that all such physical distractions are Maya, and Maya distracts from His command.

"Loving attention to the Lord and attachment to Maya are the two separate ways; all act according to the Hukam of the Lord's Command." (SGGSji Ang 87)

"They are the Khalsa who remain attached to the True Naam. They are the Khalsa who break away their worldly bonds." (Thankhaanama Bhai Nand Laal Ji)

Subduing egotism, they break all their bonds; as Gurmukh, they are adorned with the Word of the Shabad." (SGGSji Ang 124)

Also see point 5.

2. Dining with the unrighteous: Many Gursikhs like myself prefer to dine only in the company of other Gursikhs.

"Thieves, adulterers, prostitutes and pimps, make friendships with the unrighteous, and eat with the unrighteous." (SGGSji Ang 790)

3. Avoiding the company of the faithless in order to avoid influence of immoral activities:

"He never abandons humility. He forever avoids crossing paths with faithless cynics." (Rehatnama Bhai Desa Singh)

"Kabeer, do not associate with the faithless cynics; run far away from them. If you touch a vessel stained with soot, some of the soot will stick to you." (SGGSji Ang 1371)

4. Eating before evening prayers (a problem if you can't get any peace for prayer at the dinner event before eating):

"Those who do not sing the Guru's Hymn at dawn and those who eat before doing Rehraas are punishable." (Thankhaanama Bhai Nand Laal Ji)

"That evening prayer alone is acceptable, which brings the Lord God to my consciousness. Love for the Lord wells up within me, and my attachment to Maya is burnt away." (SGGSji Ang 553)

5. One should not waste time by engaging in Maya and forgetting Him

"Those who waste the evening without reading 'Rehraas' and sleep without hearing the praises of the Lord (Sohilaa). infringe the Rehat." (Rehatnama Bhai Nand Laal Ji)

"In the evening listen the 'Rehraas' and listen to the Keertan and discourses (Katha) of the Lord's praises" (Rehatnama Bhai Nand Laal Ji)

"Remember Him, meditate on Him, and sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord of the Universe, day and night, evening and morning." (SGGSji Ang 530)

6. It's best to avoid the opportunity of temptations and therefore events where temptations are great.

"But he has forgotten the Naam, the Name of the Lord, and he has become attached to other temptations. His life is totally worthless!" (SGGSji Ang 1219)

7. It's best to avoid dating and/or objectifying women such that you contribute to patriarchy.

Dating outside of marriage is hazerdous, even if this is a 'play' date with a friend; after all, why risk falling to the possible temptation of lust when you see her in a flattering dress, dance with her, be alone with her for hours in the middle of the night etc.

Being uncomfortable with revealing clothes or even those which play up the female curvature, I would have to ask her to wear something else. This infringes upon her rights as an equal to decide without influence or pressure what to wear. In such, I would be contributing to a patriarchy. My being uncomfortable is my problem, I have no right to hold authority over what women should wear and therefore I should not put myself in such a position in the first place.

Hopefully the reader would now appreciate why I would find attendance at such an event, with a date, uncomfortable!

[Wicked Warrior]

I've hated going to social occasions like this. Don't drink. Don't dance. It's very boring. But it does make the idea of being like a lotus flower in a quagmire more real.

I would go as per dress requirements. Up to you about tying/tucking your beard. The tie is usually only on for the early part eg dinner and most guys will have removed it by the end.

Go with friend but depends on your relationship with friend. With some you can be very open and with others you still have to be careful with what you say. I would turn up with friend and then separate soon after arriving. Having someone there you know means you have someone to chat with when there's no one there you know or want to speak to.

Obviously be careful with drinks. I once drank "Buck's Fizz" thinking it was orange juice that had been laid out.

With these formal events, I will go if there's food. I will eat and chat with people and will "go outside for fresh air" (which I will - I find I feel like I'm suffocating at these events) and will then go home. I usually tell whomever I'm with that I'm going so there's no mass panic over a missing person.

Try to remember the ideal of the lotus flower which manages to remain unsullied, naam jap whenever you feel yourself being swayed eg by scantily clad ladies. This is Maya. Show her you're not scared. Be fearless.

[rrss]

Wicked Warrior ji, thanks for sharing your experiences, It's reassuring to hear from others who feel the same way.

I like the lotus flower in quagmire expression, quite apt! I agree that by not taking an interest in partaking in the jovials, it's bound to be boring. Luckily I am a warm person and can steer the most banal of conversations towards philosophy or something I enjoy talking about. As you point out, having my friend there would mean I have someone to talk to (if a conversation can be had over the loud din of music that is).

My friend has agreed to go with me, complete with long(er) dress. To to offset my collection of devotional songs on the 3 hour drive up and my incessantly talking about philosophical stuff, she will bring along a mix CD and favourite book.

Obviously be careful with drinks. I once drank "Buck's Fizz" thinking it was orange juice that had been laid out.

Oops! (Admittedly had to Google 'Buck's Fizz').

I usually tell whomever I'm with that I'm going so there's no mass panic over a missing person.

Agreed; a good idea. The sudden dissapearance of the improbable turban floating ever so slightly above other heads would most certainly lead to mass hysteria (or perhaps a collectively breathed sigh of relief when the said turban no longer threatens to make it's way towards them to begin an hour long conversation about the meaning of life).

Try to remember the ideal of the lotus flower which manages to remain unsullied, naam jap whenever you feel yourself being swayed eg by scantily clad ladies. This is Maya. Show her you're not scared. Be fearless.

I'm not as worried about scantily clad ladies luring me with their wiles (I'm mostly turned off by vulgar-ness); as I am the image being burned into my subconcious; short term memories involuntarily form the basis of dreams, and dreams can be the death of many a good man.

Rest assured good Sir, I shall be fearless in this epic battle.

[Only five]

Rest assured good Sir, I shall be fearless in this epic battle.

Have you contemplated over Tav Parsad Savaiye? How does Guru Sahib describe the Lotus flower in this Bani? Has Guru Sahib commanded us to step in the filthy water purposely to do battle where their is no battle to be done?

[rrss]

Have you contemplated over Tav Parsad Savaiye? How does Guru Sahib describe the Lotus flower in this Bani? Has Guru Sahib commanded us to step in the filthy water purposely to do battle where their is no battle to be done?

Only Five ji, my comment on 'epic battle' was clearly tongue-in-cheek, as was my comment about 'mass hysteria'. There is no battle and it's certainly not epic. There won't be mass hysteria if I leave the event unannounced.