How To Deal With Being Rejected From Indian Mum

[damita98]

I am new to the forum so please forgive me if this question might have been answered elsewhere. I am a white woman who fell in love with an East Indian man. We were very happy and planned to get married. We are both in Canada and his mum is in India. His oldest brother was married to a white girl that cheated on him and now he is divorced. A few months ago I started to talk to his older brother and told him that we wanted to get married. He told their mum and their mum was against it. After his mum found out my fiancée broke up with me. This isn't the whole story but my question is this. My fiancée knows who I truly am and knows how devoted I am to him and that I would never cheat on him. So now the problem is that he has given up on us and won't fight for what he wants because he is afraid his mother will turn ill or end up in hospital because she had blood pressure problems before when she tried to arrange a marriage for him and he rejected.

I love him very much and we have a special bond. He accepts me for who I am and loves me very much. But since his mum thought he was lying to her by not telling her about me, he is not loving me right now. We are still best friends but he told me that his mum won't accept me. Is there anything I can do? I have been praying so fervently about this and asking God to allow us to marry. When we met we both felt this amazing spark and we are very compatible and good for each other.

I could go on and on but the question remains the same. What do I do to try and get his mum to give me a chance? She lives so far away and he will do anything to make her happy even if it means he isn't happy. He has only been here in Canada for 2 years and isn't a citizen yet. I told him that I loved him no matter what and would be willing to go wherever he has to go, including back to India. He stood up for himself to come to Canada as his mum didn't want him to but when it comes to our love, he can't hurt his mum. I love his mum very much and both his brothers support our love, it's only his mum that doesn't. I am very unhappy without him as I love him and am devoted to him. There isn't anything I won't do for our love but am I being stupid by praying that God comes into his mum's heart and helps her to see how much we love each other?

Thanks in advance for any insight you might be able to shed on me.

[damita98]

No opinions?

[dalsingh101]

I think no potential mother in laws can be as scrutinising and smothering of their sons than Panjabi Sikh ones myself. The fact that his brother's white wife cheating on him would be severely burnt onto the mind of the family (especially the mother). This would have just reinforced negative stereotypes and make her even more entrenched in her position I imagine. You have your work cut out for you sister.

I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you.

[damita98]

I think no potential mother in laws can be as scrutinising and smothering of their sons than Panjabi Sikh ones myself. The fact that his brother's white wife cheating on him would be severely burnt onto the mind of the family (especially the mother). This would have just reinforced negative stereotypes and make her even more entrenched in her position I imagine. You have your work cut out for you sister.

I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you.

I know that her opinion of white women is the way it is because of what happened, I do not blame her. I just wish that she would give me the time and get to know me before making a decision. I am not like most woman and I am not looking for someone to buy me things. I don't need things to be happy, I only seek love. And yes this is a huge job, one that hasn't been easy and doubtfully will not end well. However, I will continue to pray that perhaps by some good Karma that she can allow her heart to open to me and let me get to know her and her know me. All I want is a chance.

Thank you for your reply.

[Wales85]

I am married to a punjabi girl. I asked her fathers permission from the very beginning (as soon as we started dating I made my wife invite me for dinner). The "upfrontness" kind of impressed them, though I think they thought I was just a relatively safe gora phase at first, and after 5 years of consistently being polite and doing well and stuff (ie: school and stuff is very important to desis in general) and going to desi functions, meeting family, etc.I asked his permission and he and her mother gave it. At any time if he had said no, that would have been that. Up to the minute before marriage the parents have that right, and you have to accept that. All parents, not just desis, have this right, and it is a good thing in virtually all cases. Even after marriage the family is very important, incredibly more close nit than most caucasian families(though it pains me to admit that ;-).

Your ex's mother and father are more important than you at this point. His mother does not approve, so that literally is the end of the story. Sounds harsh I know, but I have seen how this goes down and it doesn't go well for you or him or the kids or anyone. The only possible way I could see an out is if his father absolutely adored you, but even then it is an uphill battle, and cross cultural relationships are difficult enough as it is so you just need to walk.

Take my advice, I promise it is good.

-W

[buddasingh]

It’s tough to be young and try to understand relationships in times like this. I would be far more concerned about your fiancee as a problem than I would be about his mother. He was aware of potential challenges the very moment he started on any kind of supposed commitment to you. If he only came to Canada 2 years ago, he is even more keenly aware of complications with respect to a potential relationship, and even more so because of his brothers experience. There are unfortunately scores of loyal women punjabi and non-punjabi who date punjabi men, where the men end up almost casually walking away. I am not saying that is your situation, but it certainly lends itself to reading between the lines. Did his brothers white wife really cheat on him or was it the other way around?

I question his maturity. You sound more loyal than what he deserves. I don’t know your personal situation and love is blind as they say…but ensure that you put yourself in a position of strength with self confidence and self respect before you consider whether you actually love him or whether your hurt is blurring things.

I hope I am wrong, but afraid I am right in that I doubt he is being up front about this being all about respecting his mother. It’s not you who needs the chance with his mother. It’s he who is being given a chance by you. You are holding that power. Use it wisely. The passage of time will give you some clues. If you are not getting any positive clues within a short time, then take that as a clue that his chance should be up and you should move on to a man who is more deserving of your commitment and maturity.

I do not speak about your fiancée necessarily…but as a general comment from my knowledge of the mind of various sikh and punjabi men. A small percentage of Sikh men are amongst the best potential husbands in the world and large percentage of punjabi men may make a decent mate if they mature at about the age of 50.