Sikh Widows

[Guest Manny Kaur]

I need help...my father passed away in March this year suddenly and as a family we are still in shock.

As he was a carer for my mother, she in particular is finding it hard. As I've stepped in to look after her I'm trying my hardest to cheer her up in different ways.

My fathers favourite colour was red and in a small attempt to cheer mum up I bought some really small earrings that's have red in them and said wear these when you think of him. My mum used to wear such colourful clothing and due to "reet revage" she now wears sombre clothing but she says can't wear these small earrings because its not according to the customs for widows in the Asian community.

I really need help in finding out what the Guru Granth Sahib Ji says about widows and how they should live. I want my mother to abide by guidelines set by her religion and not by society.

Please can someone help me?

Kind regards,

Manny

[singh1986]

Im sure some more knowledgeable Sikhs will respond to this but I find that with grief of lost one I often listern to this shabhad and it uplifts my emotions...

[Guest Guest]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

Manny Kaur ji,

We all have to go someday but the important factor is whether we earn Sikhi during our lives or not.

Generally ornaments are worn by a Bride to look good and please her husband.

So without a husband, wearing ornaments will naturally cause more pain.

Now unless your mother wants to remarry she shouldn't dress-up to attract attention or dressing-up and wearing ornaments will attract wrong sort of attention and comments.

I think she should spend more time in Istri (women) Sat Sangat and Seva.

Don't try to cheer her up just give her company in whatever she wants to do, that would be a major help.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[VanHelsingh]

I need help...my father passed away in March this year suddenly and as a family we are still in shock.

As he was a carer for my mother, she in particular is finding it hard. As I've stepped in to look after her I'm trying my hardest to cheer her up in different ways.

My fathers favourite colour was red and in a small attempt to cheer mum up I bought some really small earrings that's have red in them and said wear these when you think of him. My mum used to wear such colourful clothing and due to "reet revage" she now wears sombre clothing but she says can't wear these small earrings because its not according to the customs for widows in the Asian community.

I really need help in finding out what the Guru Granth Sahib Ji says about widows and how they should live. I want my mother to abide by guidelines set by her religion and not by society.

Please can someone help me?

Kind regards,

Manny

Don't define your mother's happiness (or how she should live her life after your father) according to the clothes she wears or inconsequential things like jewellery.

My mother was in her mid-30s when she became a widow. Thankfully both my parents were amritdhari, and therefore my mother has drawn strength from her Sikhi to carry on with her life without a partner.

I'm not aware of any guidelines for widows but I can only say that my mother placed her life in the hands of Waheguru and just went on from there. Its easier said than done but I still marvel at how my mother lives her life according to chardhi kala all because she has such firm belief in God.

[fortunate]

umm,

Guru sahib says to be always positive and be optimistic in every aspect of your life.

How long ago did he pass? There's a grievance point, and then there is a time to let go and move on.

Moving on would mean you have accepted what has happened and once that mind set is there you and your family would be better at ease. Instead of being sad.

[Guest HKaur]

umm,

Guru sahib says to be always positive and be optimistic in every aspect of your life.

How long ago did he pass? There's a grievance point, and then there is a time to let go and move on.

Moving on would mean you have accepted what has happened and once that mind set is there you and your family would be better at ease. Instead of being sad.

Sorry, but I have to say that this came across as quite rude and devoid of any compassion. It's not easy to just get over your fathers death. It's not like a light bulb, you can't just wake up and flick the 'I'm over it' switch. It will take however long it takes, we can't specify a period of grievance i.e 7 months 3 days and 12 hours. Yes, Maharaaj tells us to stay in high spirits, but you haven't mentioned how. By reading/listening to Gurbani and doing simran, by remembering our Creator.

Anyway, to the original poster, I have been in this situation and understand that it is incredibly difficult. I'm really sorry to hear of your fathers passing, I hope you are all coping okay. Support your mother as much as you can by reminding her that even though your fathers physical body has perished, his soul lives on and has hopefully merged with Waheguru Ji. This is something that was of great comfort to myself. Also, have Sukhmani Sahib playing on repeat in the house..Gurbani is incredibly powerful, more powerful than we realise. It has the power to heal, not just emotionally but physically. Keep faith that Waheguru will look after you and guide you in life and try to stay optimistic for your mother..Another thing that may or may not help is having family over and spending time with loved ones. It lifts our spirits and reminds us that we have so much to be grateful for. Maybe sit together as a family and do Rehraas Sahib or any other bani. If anyone does keertan, you could do keertan together whenever you have time. If not, just do some simran for 15 mins or something. Anything that you can do is good and will benefit you greatly :-) I hope everything works out okay and that Guru Jee gives you all the strength to cope with this.

[Guest Manny Kaur]

Thank you for your kind words...especially HKaur.

To the member named "fortunate"...I only hope that one day when you lose someone so suddenly that you can switch off your feelings. I found your comment not just hurtful but disgusting.

I'm trying my hardest to help my mother and to be honest with you with the life I've had and now the sudden passing of my father, I have lost faith in my religion...this is something I'm having a hard time dealing with and having comments like the one "fortunate" made makes me think about my faith sceptically.

Manny Kaur

[singh1986]

I can completely understand from your point of view Manny Kaur about being sceptical about your faith when you have had to face so many hardships... in general life and with the recent passing away!

Personally, within my family there were 2 reactions... those who kept faith... believing, meditating on "WaheGuru" and try to connect with their faith to find peace and strength! The thing with Sikhi is it gives you strength! Read Bani... understand it... even in English if you have to... sing it! Read our History and discover what bani women of the past used to sing as they saw their children hacked to pieces infront of them and what our Gurus said whilst being tortured! These people dealt with such trauma and came out strong because our Guru gives us a message to give us strength! Get you and your mum to experience this...

Alternatively I have family members that have never dealt with the pain, lost faith in God and are generally very angry, bitter or the very least cynical of all things in life!

The only advice I would give is try the Sikhi first... try and find that strength that Sikh women in the past endured... for you and your mum! Become strong and confident but more importantly peaceful and content with life (Sikhi helps!!!).... no matter what life throws at you!

[fortunate]

i apologize didn't mean any disrespect. so for that I am sorry. But the way you have read it must've been disrespectful but in my heart it was completely different.

I couldn't elaborate on the points, but just wanted to narrate the jists of what got me through tough times. positive outlook and acceptance.

Anywhere in that post earlier I said something to hurt you in anyway sorry. I hope you and your family the best.