Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Guest Ravneet

Hello everyone.

My (Sikh) parents did not approve of my choice of partner for marriage. I was honest from day one and told them I had met a Sikh guy and we get on etc. However, my mum in particular was strongly against my choice of partner due to caste.  I took the big step and chose to marry my partner because I don’t believe in caste.  My parents did not attend the wedding. I am happily married and have been blessed with a child. However it saddens me that my parents and my extended family have disowned me and have never visited me. What infuriates me is my mums behaviour. Around two years ago she went through the Amrit Sanchar ceremony.  My understanding is that my mum is now a baptised Sikh and should not hold any beliefs towards caste. To this day my mum has not made any effort to build relations with my husband. When I speak to my mum, she never asks or acknowledges my husband.

Im so confused and angry. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/28/2018 at 9:34 AM, Guest Ravneet said:

Hello everyone.

My (Sikh) parents did not approve of my choice of partner for marriage. I was honest from day one and told them I had met a Sikh guy and we get on etc. However, my mum in particular was strongly against my choice of partner due to caste.  I took the big step and chose to marry my partner because I don’t believe in caste.  My parents did not attend the wedding. I am happily married and have been blessed with a child. However it saddens me that my parents and my extended family have disowned me and have never visited me. What infuriates me is my mums behaviour. Around two years ago she went through the Amrit Sanchar ceremony.  My understanding is that my mum is now a baptised Sikh and should not hold any beliefs towards caste. To this day my mum has not made any effort to build relations with my husband. When I speak to my mum, she never asks or acknowledges my husband.

Im so confused and angry. 

bhain ji does your family engage with your kids ? Maybe it will take time and patience  to destroy their prejudice Waheguru ji kirpa kare. But honestly do you not think that is more in it than caste ? sure it is a convenient label but it sounds like they would have found some fault anyway because it is not 'normal' for girls to find their match . Are you sikh too? is your husband?  if you trust and build your life around Guru ji this will all resolve  as your parents  see that he treats you well and is bringing up the kids in sikhi too . Build bridges and throw anger to one side it won't help you , look at the situation from all sides , use this as an opportunity to grow in emotional maturity .

Doing sukhmani Sahib will help you weather this storm better ... live and learn that's our way

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest Ravneet

jkvlondon thank you for reading my post and responding 

My family have never visited me or my child. My parents had no issue with me choosing my own partner. My family background is Punjabi Sikh and the same for my husband and his family. My husband and I are not baptised Sikhs. We try and incorporate as much Sikhi as possible in our daily lives. It’s been over a year since I last saw my parents. They will come and visit other family nearby to where I live and that hurts so bad.

Im struggling to build bridges as I am doing every thing I can and naturally I want and need reciprocation.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Sat Shri Akal

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your mum is now baptised. She is travelling down the road of Sikhi. It doesn't mean she will be automatically perfect and accepting or approving of everything. 

As pointed out above, there may be other issues involved that you may/may not be aware of. It's a big thing for a parent not to go to their child's wedding, even if they didn't approve of it. Things can improve and hopefully your parents will become involved in at least your children's lives if not yours. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest Ravneet
37 minutes ago, Wicked Warrior said:

Your mum is now baptised. She is travelling down the road of Sikhi. It doesn't mean she will be automatically perfect and accepting or approving of everything. 

As pointed out above, there may be other issues involved that you may/may not be aware of. It's a big thing for a parent not to go to their child's wedding, even if they didn't approve of it. Things can improve and hopefully your parents will become involved in at least your children's lives if not yours. 

 

Thank you for responding to my post. I just loose hope as almost 7 years on and not an ounce of improvement or effort in building relations with my husband and his  family 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
Guest Guest Ravneet
On 8/29/2018 at 10:26 PM, Wicked Warrior said:

Your mum is now baptised. She is travelling down the road of Sikhi. It doesn't mean she will be automatically perfect and accepting or approving of everything. 

As pointed out above, there may be other issues involved that you may/may not be aware of. It's a big thing for a parent not to go to their child's wedding, even if they didn't approve of it. Things can improve and hopefully your parents will become involved in at least your children's lives if not yours. 

 

Thank you for responding to my post. I just loose hope as almost 7 years on and not an ounce of improvement or effort in building relations with my husband and his  family.

 

 

09.10.18

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. My eldest sister has had a long term English boyfriend for around 20 years. My parents were devastated when they learnt that their first born has chosen an English man to spend the rest of her life with. It caused a lot of distress in our household. Last week I learnt that my eldest sister married her long term boyfriend in Spring 2018 and my parents attended the wedding. I am so confused and don’t understand my parents, they chose not to tel me and kept this from me. I just don’t know how to handle this and how to move on. 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest puzzledtoo

To hell with such 'parents'. They don't deserve you.Be happy with your husband and children.Stop torturing your mind.Your parents are subjecting you to 'emotional atyachaar'.Do not respond.Do your own paath to calm yourself and to build connections with Waheguru.Your non stop worries will affect your current family and you don't want that.Do some activities to keep your mind occupied.I suggest exercise,running etc.Helps you build self confidence too.

Typical desi <banned word filter activated> parents.Marry a low caste and you're an outcast. Marry a gora and they do bhangra.Fitte mu.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Good luck Ravneet
On 8/28/2018 at 10:34 AM, Guest Ravneet said:

Hello everyone.

My (Sikh) parents did not approve of my choice of partner for marriage. I was honest from day one and told them I had met a Sikh guy and we get on etc. However, my mum in particular was strongly against my choice of partner due to caste.  I took the big step and chose to marry my partner because I don’t believe in caste.  My parents did not attend the wedding. I am happily married and have been blessed with a child. However it saddens me that my parents and my extended family have disowned me and have never visited me. What infuriates me is my mums behaviour. Around two years ago she went through the Amrit Sanchar ceremony.  My understanding is that my mum is now a baptised Sikh and should not hold any beliefs towards caste. To this day my mum has not made any effort to build relations with my husband. When I speak to my mum, she never asks or acknowledges my husband.

Im so confused and angry. 

Respect to you for keeping faith in Sikhi which destroys caste divisions and so happy to read you have both been blessed with a child. Your parents are 100% in the wrong on that. Yes your mother is not living up the level she said but hopefully your child can melt the ignorance in heart to make her realise ke manas ki jaath sabhi ek pechaan'bo.

On 10/9/2018 at 11:55 PM, Guest Guest Ravneet said:

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. My eldest sister has had a long term English boyfriend for around 20 years. My parents were devastated when they learnt that their first born has chosen an English man to spend the rest of her life with. It caused a lot of distress in our household. Last week I learnt that my eldest sister married her long term boyfriend in Spring 2018 and my parents attended the wedding. I am so confused and don’t understand my parents, they chose not to tel me and kept this from me. I just don’t know how to handle this and how to move on. 

That shows that there is hope for you to reconnect with your parents. If they can attend your sister's Anand Karaj to welcome this gorah as a new Sikh then the least they can do is hug their grandchild in time (if you let the last 7years of hurt go from your heart and mind). Wish you all the best. Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest GuestSingh

agree with the above - your parents don't deserve you..if your mom had really and truly given her head to Guruji while taking Amrit then she wouldve accepted your husband and been there at your wedding..so dont blame yourself - youve done nothing wrong.

and if your parents were really that devastated at the choice to turn your back on your own for a chitta then wouldnt they have behaved and treated you both the same? more fool them..they just have the same inferiority complex and feelings of low self-worth/value as your treacherous sibling..

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/28/2018 at 12:34 PM, Guest Ravneet said:

Hello everyone.

My (Sikh) parents did not approve of my choice of partner for marriage. I was honest from day one and told them I had met a Sikh guy and we get on etc. However, my mum in particular was strongly against my choice of partner due to caste.  I took the big step and chose to marry my partner because I don’t believe in caste.  My parents did not attend the wedding. I am happily married and have been blessed with a child. However it saddens me that my parents and my extended family have disowned me and have never visited me. What infuriates me is my mums behaviour. Around two years ago she went through the Amrit Sanchar ceremony.  My understanding is that my mum is now a baptised Sikh and should not hold any beliefs towards caste. To this day my mum has not made any effort to build relations with my husband. When I speak to my mum, she never asks or acknowledges my husband.

Im so confused and angry. 

People from many different cultures can be racist towards other cultures. 

 

Punjabis can have a very brown mentality. It's pure racism. It's a mental illness. 

 

And u cannot argue with craziness. You sound blessed to have your child and your beautiful family. This is your life and u are free to choose your own path.. Your mum should have learned to be tolerant of other from this but she doesn't seem to have learned. 

 

So why do you want someone who cannot even respect your freedom of choice who is racist and is therefore intolerant of your child also in your life? 

 

I have basically disowned my mother because she is basically a sociopath. And I am grateful every day that I don't have to be subjected to her rubbish. 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/10/2018 at 2:45 PM, Guest puzzledtoo said:

To hell with such 'parents'. They don't deserve you.Be happy with your husband and children.Stop torturing your mind.Your parents are subjecting you to 'emotional atyachaar'.Do not respond.Do your own paath to calm yourself and to build connections with Waheguru.Your non stop worries will affect your current family and you don't want that.Do some activities to keep your mind occupied.I suggest exercise,running etc.Helps you build self confidence too.

Typical desi <banned word filter activated> parents.Marry a low caste and you're an outcast. Marry a gora and they do bhangra.Fitte mu.

 

Whats wrong with marrying a white person?

Im pretty sure that I will marry one... A good person is a good person, doesn't matter what colour they are. 

 

Punjabis can be so incredibly racist 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest internalized Racism
On 10/12/2018 at 9:39 PM, Guest Truth said:

Whats wrong with marrying a white person?

Nothing wrong with that as Guru Sahib says we are all one race.

Im pretty sure that I will marry one

Could that be because you are carrying "internalized racism"? 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internalized_racism

In terms of you feel that whites are superior and hence wish to?

A good person is a good person, doesn't matter what colour they are. 

Agreed - Sikhi makes that crystal clear - and white folks can be good Sikhs

Punjabis can be so incredibly racist

That's true. But whites are on average more racist statistically as we see.

And to perceive that whites are superior/better is a sign of internalized racism whereby the non-white person perceives white to be better.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Guestinternalized racism. 

 

That is very possible. However ive come across a white guy who was a total psycho, and seen racism from whites also. I know it goes both ways. 

 

I will say though that I've been literally abused emotionally and physically at the hands of countless brown people due to culture. Hence where my internalized racism may have kicked in. 

I do see it as a blessing to have bee able to have seen the perils of brown culture gone bad though. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Ravneet
On 8/29/2018 at 10:26 PM, Wicked Warrior said:

Your mum is now baptised. She is travelling down the road of Sikhi. It doesn't mean she will be automatically perfect and accepting or approving of everything. 

As pointed out above, there may be other issues involved that you may/may not be aware of. It's a big thing for a parent not to go to their child's wedding, even if they didn't approve of it. Things can improve and hopefully your parents will become involved in at least your children's lives if not yours. 

 

Thank you for responding to my post. I just loose hope as almost 7 years on and not an ounce of improvement or effort in building relations with my husband and his  family.

 

 

09.10.18

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. My eldest sister has had a long term English boyfriend for around 20 years. My parents were devastated when they learnt that their first born has chosen an English man to spend the rest of her life with. It caused a lot of distress in our household. Last week I learnt that my eldest sister married her long term boyfriend in Spring 2018 and my parents attended the wedding. I am so confused and don’t understand my parents, they chose not to tel me and kept this from me. I just don’t know how to handle this and how to move on. 

 

16.11.18

I just want to thank each and everyone of you for reading my post and for making the effort to resond to my concerns, much appreciated. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use