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Guest DesiCountryMan

House Move

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Guest DesiCountryMan

WGJKK WGJKF

I lived with my parents for most of my young life. When I was 21 I got married to a wonderful girl from the capital and she moved upto the midlands. As most punjabis know this means living with your parents. My parents were overbearing and my mother quite intimidating. Skip forward 9 years and my wife is on the verge of leaving me because she cannot hack my mother any longer. I was trapped with my name attached to a mortgage for a property I didn't live in. We removed the renters and moved into the house which was next door as it wouldn't sell despite being on the market for 9 months. It was only supposed to be temporary.

We loved our freedom (albeit being next door) and slowly broke away from intimidation and over-bearance. Over the course of 11 years we tried a few times to move to a better area but were handicapped by only one particular demographic that would only buy the house, our garden was less than average in size and the credit crunch happening. We kind of lived in limbo during the 11 years, never quite settling on what was supposed to be a temporary situation while resenting our situaition while those around us getting on with their lives.

Eventually the house sold and we moved in with my parents as we looked for a house. My younger brother had already moved out of the parental home 6 years prior to an area 15 minutes drive away. My parents caused a fuss about that but eventually they accepted it. The area we wished to live in (at the time) the house prices had simply sky rocketed and we couldn't afford a 4 bed and I didn't like the prospect of moving to a 3 bed, save again, be in limbo and then extend to a 4 bed. We looked a bit further out and found a beautiful property out in the sticks for a reasonable price but was at least 25-30min drive for my parents. I covered every single facet I could think of on how the move would affect my family and covered as many bases as I could. I told my parents and we had a huge row. From my point of view they were being extremely selfish in not wanting me to live in a nice house (they're not invalid) while they did purely because they didn't want to drive 25-30 mins to me. But it was ok to drive to my brothers for 15 mins. In the end I held my nerve and we moved and have been there for 3 years now.

Your house is your own palace as everyone knows and I am very happy where we are. Please don't take this as boasting, it just to illustrate a point but it is a normal house with a lovely garden and drive on a peaceful cul-de-sac and my asthma has been eliminated by 90%. Every amenity is close by schools, supermarket, hospital, shopping centre etc. The Gurdwara is a 35 min drive on a Sunday. 

Unfortunately my wife lost a parent due to illness earlier in the year and is completely devastated. She now wishes to move back to where we were trying to move years ago in the area where the houses are sky high in price. We would have to swap our beautiful home for a smaller house and take on a bigger mortgage. My youngest child is quite bright academically and will try to go to a better 6th form in 2 years hoping to get to University but there is a great one nearby. The only reason she will give me is that she doesn't like the area we are in which is nonsense and that 4 of 5 us have to commute to the city traveling upto an hour each day. The area we live is not racist and it's miles better than some of the places around the area we lived in before. Also she is conveniently forgetting that for years she battled my mother then suddenly wants to be near her!  Their relationship hasn't changed and my mother is the same if not worse. Because of the loss, I am guilt ridden into giving her what she wants but I know the logic and bigger picture in me say no - it's a mistake. I will also resent her if I am forced to give up my home. I have sacrificed enough for me just to live peacefully in my corner of the world and be happy.

Should I move or should I stay?

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Guest GuestSingh

presumably uve already told ur wife abt ur reluctance to move. so wat did she say? was she listenin n understandin or is she still upset n talkin wiv emotion?

if in ur situation, my thinkin wud be to buy sum more time. she may still be grievin so not thinkin as clearly or rationally as u wud hope yet.

wiv the 1 year anniversary comin up it might be worth jus waitin to reassess things again until its passed n out the way. u might get a different answer then.

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I say stay. And have your mom move in with you for a bit. Invent a reason, like babysitting, while both parents work. or that your wife is sad about a parent dying, and she needs help. When your wife has to deal with your mom again, she will remember why she moved away. 

Best thing is to buy times, And then do this. 

Also, if you guys lived closer to your parents, would they come over more often? If so, your wife might have a point. 

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Guest Sat
On 9/25/2019 at 5:41 PM, Guest DesiCountryMan said:

WGJKK WGJKF

I lived with my parents for most of my young life. When I was 21 I got married to a wonderful girl from the capital and she moved upto the midlands. As most punjabis know this means living with your parents. My parents were overbearing and my mother quite intimidating. Skip forward 9 years and my wife is on the verge of leaving me because she cannot hack my mother any longer. I was trapped with my name attached to a mortgage for a property I didn't live in. We removed the renters and moved into the house which was next door as it wouldn't sell despite being on the market for 9 months. It was only supposed to be temporary.

We loved our freedom (albeit being next door) and slowly broke away from intimidation and over-bearance. Over the course of 11 years we tried a few times to move to a better area but were handicapped by only one particular demographic that would only buy the house, our garden was less than average in size and the credit crunch happening. We kind of lived in limbo during the 11 years, never quite settling on what was supposed to be a temporary situation while resenting our situaition while those around us getting on with their lives.

Eventually the house sold and we moved in with my parents as we looked for a house. My younger brother had already moved out of the parental home 6 years prior to an area 15 minutes drive away. My parents caused a fuss about that but eventually they accepted it. The area we wished to live in (at the time) the house prices had simply sky rocketed and we couldn't afford a 4 bed and I didn't like the prospect of moving to a 3 bed, save again, be in limbo and then extend to a 4 bed. We looked a bit further out and found a beautiful property out in the sticks for a reasonable price but was at least 25-30min drive for my parents. I covered every single facet I could think of on how the move would affect my family and covered as many bases as I could. I told my parents and we had a huge row. From my point of view they were being extremely selfish in not wanting me to live in a nice house (they're not invalid) while they did purely because they didn't want to drive 25-30 mins to me. But it was ok to drive to my brothers for 15 mins. In the end I held my nerve and we moved and have been there for 3 years now.

Your house is your own palace as everyone knows and I am very happy where we are. Please don't take this as boasting, it just to illustrate a point but it is a normal house with a lovely garden and drive on a peaceful cul-de-sac and my asthma has been eliminated by 90%. Every amenity is close by schools, supermarket, hospital, shopping centre etc. The Gurdwara is a 35 min drive on a Sunday. 

Unfortunately my wife lost a parent due to illness earlier in the year and is completely devastated. She now wishes to move back to where we were trying to move years ago in the area where the houses are sky high in price. We would have to swap our beautiful home for a smaller house and take on a bigger mortgage. My youngest child is quite bright academically and will try to go to a better 6th form in 2 years hoping to get to University but there is a great one nearby. The only reason she will give me is that she doesn't like the area we are in which is nonsense and that 4 of 5 us have to commute to the city traveling upto an hour each day. The area we live is not racist and it's miles better than some of the places around the area we lived in before. Also she is conveniently forgetting that for years she battled my mother then suddenly wants to be near her!  Their relationship hasn't changed and my mother is the same if not worse. Because of the loss, I am guilt ridden into giving her what she wants but I know the logic and bigger picture in me say no - it's a mistake. I will also resent her if I am forced to give up my home. I have sacrificed enough for me just to live peacefully in my corner of the world and be happy.

Should I move or should I stay?

You need to make up your own mind and figure out your own life. Trust and believe in yourself.

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