The Story Of My Life

[Guest Lost]

I dont have a clue why im telling you this, dont have a clue, theres nothing nobody can do to help. Maybe i'm telling you this out of ego, oh well. Just need to get it out of my head.

Just some background info that you will need to know if you waste your time reading this, i was born into a religious family, i'm an amrith-dhaari singh (was given amrit 2/3 years ago, dont even know what date, i know its important to know but i dont seem to care). I'm a massive sinner and i'm all show, full of hypocracy, i do dekhava and thats all im good at, im not trying to be humble or anything like that, im telling the truth, hence why i'm posting in gupt section, im too egotistical to expose my name.

The past few days i looked at my life and decided that i'm giving up progressing in sikhi, for starters i cannot in any way class myself as a sikh whatsoever, because the rehit that i have is totally anti-gurmat. An amrith-dhaari sikh does not get up at 12 noon, 1pm, 2pm and do their panj baaniyaan then, they dont do their panj baaniyaan on the computer and speed it up while roaming around on the internet checking emails, on sikhsangat, downloading keertan and downloading films illegally. Well I do, im amrith-dhaari... when i do these things i DO feel the dekhava, i know its totally not right, its not what you take amrit for. I'm disrespectful to my parents, the only words they ever hear from my mouth are "no" and "i dont care" and al comments that are hypocritical. I'll sometimes text when im doing paath, sometimes i dont, but sometimes i do, and when i do i feel guilty but i dont stop.

When i do ardaas i do it as fast as possible, use any excuse to do the short version, i read "Jinaa singhaa singhniyaan ne dharam het sees dhithe bandh bandh kataae, khopriyaan luhaayeeaan...." i do think of them and visualise it and think to myself what am i doing? they died for peopel like me? how disgraceful... But then i forget and dont care, i think about the sahibzade and they were so little and did so much, i'll cry for them but then later on i dont seem to care with the rehit that i continue to keep and not change. Its all dekava, not just to others but to myself somehow too. I do kirtan becasue i like the tunes, only here and there i understand what im singing, but what makes me do keertan are the tunes, i do seva at the gurdwara because im scared of what the baabeh are goin to say to me, i wear baanaa when its time to go gurdwara.

My dad sometimes says come on everyone lets all do rehraas together, and me especially mess it all up by messing around and not concentrating or just end up taking ages to start paath and dad gets fed up and does his own. What kind of amrith-dhaari sikh am i? well obviously i cant be classed as a sikh

The problem with me is i have NO effort whatsoever, i dont like to try to get something, i just want it straight away. I dont have the thirst to get to god, i have the thirst for the thirst to want god. It might not make sense but it does to me. And i'm sooo far behind that i just cant be bothered to put that effort in, BUT the other main thing thats stopping me is that when i do try to do something, I just fail badly, if i get up at amrith velaa i'l go back to sleep after doing it and then get up at 4pm, whats the point of doing amrith velaa then? i get up at amrith velaa because i know im going to do keertan and show myself off. When I do ardaas i feel as though im doing it from my heart but then later realise that im just doing dekhava again and dont really mean it, im just acting that im doing it from the heart. I've said sikhi is crap and useless, it hurt me to say that, but i feel as though to respect sikhi i have to stop trying to be a sikh which, when i try to be one, i just disgrace guru ji. I even started writing this while I was doing panj baaniyaan on the computer sped up! I cant class this as my paath being parvaan, so i class myself as a non-amrith dhaari, although i know i havent committed any bajjar kurahit, im not worthy of having this amrith, i shouldnt have taken it, i dont know why i did in the first place.

So i did something good but i feel as though its beaadbi or disrespect on guru ji's sikhi that im trying to be a sikh but im not doing a good job of it, im disrespecting sikhi with the rehit i have and i dont have the effort to change myself, its all ego.

I tried to let go of my paath and not jap naam but it hurts me to let go, i cant! but when i do jap naam or do seva then its all for show! Its like im stuck in the middle of something, if i try to be good it ends up being fake and disrespectful, but when i try and let go... i just cant!

Since i've made this decision to not progress in my sikhi, ive disrespected guru ji sooo much, my sister said dont give up on him because he's never going to give up on you, and yes i know thats true but i cant face hearing that stuff so i told her to shut up and stop talking crap, when dad was tying to tell me a story of bhagat kabir ji i told him i dont care and its boring etc

I'm the most negative sinner alive, i've stopped keeping my gursikh sangat because i know i'l only be a bad influence on them, they'd probably be far ahead than they are now if it wasnt for me, even if i dont say anything negative to them, the negative energy that i have will go to them too because they are having my sangat, nobody deserves sangat like me, full of ego and pride, i'm angry at myself because i dont have ANY pyaar of thirst to want to meet god. Its all ego, i'm stuck in the middle of something. I'm just waiting for jamdhooth to come and get me now, waiting for death. I'm a disgrace to everybody and everything, especially Sikhi.

I dont even know what im trying to say myself, i think its that i'm trying to leave sikhi because i want to respect sikhi because when i try (which i dont put much effort into) being a sikh i fail so badly that i disgrace sikhi and do its beaadbi and disrespect.

As i said before, i dont know why im telling you this, i just need to tell people, probably because of my ego, i'm probably attention seeking. I hope nobody goes through what i'm going through

[Matheen]

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa! Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Pull yourself together! You know your weaknesses, so work on them. Receiving Amrit is the start of the journey, not the end.

[Guest Waheguru]

I've been thru wat u've been thru, it's horrible I know. Where do u live? Find sum ck singhs, trust me u wont b able to pull them down in their sikhi no matter how much u think u r kusangat. Listen to katha by Giani Thakur Singh ji/ Sant Giani Gurbachan Singh ji or otehr mahapurash... have darshan of mahapurash and just remain in sangat.... regular sangat of singhs that are very ck and that are your age, it helps trust...

[AmarjitKaur]

To the OP,

Now that you have realized and admitted your problem, it will be uphill from now on. You were going downhill since you started taking shortcuts etc etc.

Here is what I recommend (see if it makes sense to you).

First, do ardas from your heart, that babaji, main koi vadhiyaa sikhi vaala kam nahi keeta so far. Tusi nitaniya de taan, niasriya de asre ho, tusi mainu nacheez nu huth de ke rakh lao. Meriyaan bhulaan bakhash diyo, mainu asra diyo te ik vadhiya sikh baNao. mainu himmat, samajh bakhsho ke main tuhadee bakhashee hoyee rehat nibha ska. mainu himmat diyo ke me amritvele uth ke nitnem kar sakaan.

And then, start sleeping early (you may not fall asleep for a while, don't sit on computer, if you are still awake, rather pick up some book and start reading. If book vich dhiyan nahi lagda, start doing SUDUKU (it works, try it, it takes your mind off the things and gets you to think what number you need). You will shortly feel sleepy. And never ever forget Sohila Sahib. This time don't do the fast track one. Go on youtube and do the one with line to line translation. And set alarm about 8hrs after you went to bed (even if you didn't really sleep for 8 hrs), and get up with alarm. Take a colder side shower.

and then sit do path, while you are feeling little cold.

rest I would have to write later, as I have to go now.

Babajee aap sahai hoNge. Don't worry.

[Prabhsharan]

Taking amrit does'nt mean that you are perfectwe have now taken admission in school and practice sikhi

and btw

avi ni likhya baani ch

'nanak dukhiya sabh sansar'

all are going through these problems even i have same problems as you or had in past but beshak nitnem na kareyo,Amritvele na utheyo

par Guru to bemukh na hoeye

As per ur showoff all have

so all have these problems not just you

Ardass can solve all this and also try to control these yourself

so have a good sangat try also

again i say you are not only feeling this

you are searching your gun's and avgun's

i.e. man

'bande khoj din har roj'

you are obeying guru sahib no

[Guest Jasdeep Kaur]

Waheguru Jee Kaa Khalsaa, Waheguru Jee Kee Fatehh Jee!!

Well, you just told us the story of your life, but didn’t ask for any advice or any suggestions or any comments. But i’m still going to tell you exactly how i feel about your situation and what’s in my heart. Honestly, don’t do this to yourself! You know exactly what’s wrong with you so just don’t do this to yourself. You just have to understand that being a good Sikh is not something you have to do right away. And you’re definitely not the only amrit-dhari in this situation. There are others who go through similar things. Sikhi is all about controlling your mind. There are gurmukhs and manmukhs. Manmukhs listen to their own man, their own mind and Gurmukhs listen to Guru Sahib and they follow what Guru Sahib wants them to do. You’ve been blessed with Amrit. Guru Sahib blessed you with Amrit! This is not something that everyone gets. It’s a blessing, so please treat it like a blessing. Coming to rehit... What is Rehith anyways? It’s the way Guru Sahib wants his sikhs to live their lives. Now, are we powerful enough or smart enough to be able to follow Guru Sahib’s rehith? I definitely don’t think so. This rehith that is given to an amrit-dhari sikh, is Guru Sahibs rehith and we can not follow it whatsoever. The only thing we can do is ARDAAS. Ardaas to Guru Sahib that ‘this is your rehith, only you can make me follow it’ Just make your mind strong. Think how lucky you are because you’ve been blessed with something so precious. Think of it this way... Taking Amrit is the first step to following Guru Sahib’s rehith and we continue from there. So you’ve passed the first stage now its time to continue. Don’t fall!! Make your mind strong. BEG Guru Sahib to take your hand and not let go. Give yourself to Guru Sahib. Dedicate this life to Guru Sahib! I’ve been through situations where i’ve felt that i’m a horrible sikh as well. And after that i looked for ways to improve what im doing wrong and that’s how it’s supposed to be. You know what your problem is so now look for a way to solve it. Nothing is impossible for a Sikh. When Guru Sahib is with us everything is possible! We have Shree Guru Granth Sahib Jee with us. Try understanding the paath your reciting. And trust me if you try to understand what Guru Sahib is telling you, you will not text during paath, you will not surf the internet, you won’t do any of that! And you know what, for you to realise what your doing is wrong is a very big thing. Atleast you knoow! There are so many of us out there who do dumb things and don’t even know were doing them. Guru Sahib is with you and he forever will be. You need to have faith. You have to understand that you can’t do ANYTHING by yourself. But with Guru Sahibs kirpa, everything can happen. Please don’t give up. Keep trying and I know you can do it. I know I don’t know you personally but i love Amrit-dhari’s so much and i have so much respect for them and i don’t want you to give up. Sikhi is a beautiful and amazing dharam. Take tiny steps forward and everything will be fine. Think of all the shaheeds.. how could we ignore what they went through..? Bhai Mati Das was sawn into two pieces..Bhai Mani Singhs body was cut at each joint.. Bhai Taru Singhs hair was scrapped off his scalp.. Bhai Shahbaz Singh and Bhai Subeg Singh were crushed on the wheel.. Bhai Dayala Jee was boiled in hot water.. Banda Singh Bahadar Jee's eyes were popped out and he was skinned alive with red hot pincers...Baba Deep Singh Ji held his head up with one hand and fought, not giving up on sikhi... Lets not give up either!! Let these shaheeds inspire us and motivate us.. Lets not ignore or forget about our history..Sikhi is amazing and we just need to tell our minds that we want to do this and we will be able to do it.

Guru Sahib apne sariya thae kirpa karn...

Waheguru Jee Kaa Khalsa, Waheguru Jee Kee Fateh!!!

[Guest Gurpreet]

To the poster by looking at ur post a lot of thoughts went through my mind of how I and many other gursikhs I know went through many periods of their lives the same as you have been. And to ur point earlier about u replying in ego maybe, by reading the full post I honestly cant say that was the picture that I got. The way I saw it was there is something inside of you that wants to try and follow the path the way guru maharaj intended and that there is a desire to follow that. Replying in ego would have been seen in ur post but to my knowledge there was none.

I suggest that you go to ur local gurdwara alone at a quite time and do a heart felt ardas in front of maharaj jee and then do some degh de seva and trust me you will feel wanted and uplifted.

Or you could start by contactin people on this forum so like PM them. Or you could give ur email and ask for suggestions and to not show ur identity u could create a new eamil account which takes a few minutes. Or you could try and get into contact wiv local people around ur area.

I know its hard trust me wen I say that we have been through similar time in our lives but at the end it is all just a test all you need is some inspiration so if you need help just ask and believe in urself and have full faith in maharaj jee and whenever in doubt just do a jaikaraa trust me it helps.

Hope you found this useful and sorry if I offended anyone and if you need to talk to me again just post on this topic I will be reading.

[Guest Guru kirpa]

I think the situation bhai sahib has discussed is one we all face. i personally have been going thru these feelings aswel. The path of naam isnt an easy path to follow. there are times in jeevan that we feel so messed that it just can only be described as being at the bottom of a pit of which we cant get out of. from your post i can clearly see that your not giving up, your just in a situation that you feel so helpless that you feel the only fing you can do is give up as you just cant seem to win the battle. i know on a personal level exactly how your feeling. firstly what im trying to explain is your not the only one in this situation. we all experience it, some of us get through quicker, some of us longer, some of us get out and then fall back in, some of us get out and fall back in every few days.

There is no quik fix solution. however there is a solution. the solution is a word that comes in gurbani, and its called Udham. this word udham is the key. you have showed udham from deciding to post. although u feel uv given up, you havent, because your sitting there calling for help by deciding to voice whats inside you. No matter what happens, no matter what time you wake up, or how messed up your jeevan gets never let go of Udham. Udham means will power, or the will to continue or try. whilst you hold on to this, use this udham to beg satguru sahib. use this udham to actually go and sit in sangat in guru ghar. Use this udham to spend a bit of time reading Gurbani. if you sit in sangat regularly, even during the day or evenings, and you are not getting any results, then you can say to satguru, you sed:

hir hir nwmu imlY iqRpqwsih imil sMgiq gux prgwis ]2]

har har naam milai thripathaasehi mil sa(n)gath gun paragaas ||2||

Obtaining the Name of the Lord, Har, Har, they are satisfied; joining the Sangat, the Blessed Congregation, their virtues shine forth.

that by sitting in sangat i will be sorted, by siting in sangat i will get virtue, gun, gurmat, shub gun such as dharam, religious way of life, so y am i not changing? Why isnt what youv sed coming true! however we can only say this once we actually do this.

Another thing is your saying im too far behind! what are you too far behind? u r here for your own kamai, you can only make the concience decision on what you can do in the next moment. make the decision and make the nex moment count. It isnt a competition, with any other person, or with yourself. We follow sikhi not to get a jeevan or for some sence of achievement, we do it to please satguru so they will do kirpa. You dont have make yourself believe that you should be doing this and that. i know what your feeling, you think you should be somet or someone that your image is, or who you wana be, but because the expecation has gone so far from what youv become, the motivation to do somet about it just flushes out your system making you just powerless and totally demotivated. i dont usually post on this forum, but reading your post i feel your pain.

But like matheen ses sometimes its jus a slap we gta giv ourselves and pull ourselves together and not sit and winge about it.

hope this helpes. Think practial. Take it in small portions, build it one step at a time rather then trying to clock it all strait away. wake up and just get you nitnem done or somet. just make a start and build. set a day to start, and stick to it

iv sed loads of thing in this post. this is just my veechar and isnt the correct answer by far. im a moorakh and hav no knowledge. just wished to support my brother through my own experiences.

bhul chuk maaf karni jeeo

[Guest --gupt--]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa!Waheguru ji ki fateh!

We all go from the same situation some time or the other in our life.

But this our test of life.

Don't give up.

Do ardaas.

If u don't like to read gurbani or u'r feeling u'r reading it in ego.Then also read.

Guru ji will help u in getting concentration and interest.Also guru ji will help u to be away from ego and all avagun.

Just be in good sangat,go to gurdwara,do sewa and read gurbani.Leave everything to Guru ji.

If u don't want to do sangat of gursikh for some time then do sangat of good books like MAHA DASYO MARGA SANTO By GurIqbal singh ji.Read this book u will feel u'r doing sangat of mahapurash.Read each chapter of this book again and again so that u will get the habits of what it is written in that book.

Plz don't get into depression and feel of giving up.

We all are going through some or other situation.U'r not alone.They are lots of cases which are more worst then u.U'r case is not at all worst and uncontrollable.

BUL CHUK MAFA!

[Guest Paapiii]

i believe the way to go forward is first do ardas to maharaj to give you the strength to allow you to move forward with your sikhi. Pour your heart out to maharaj cuz his the only one who can give you the strength you need. also do nitnem with upmost concentration because thats the way we start our day...Nitnem is REALLY IMPORTANT and of we don't give importance to nitnem then we will be lost for the whole day. Also keep sangat around you that are a good influence with your sikhi posiitvely. Sikhi is not boring...its our life and some people walk on it quickly and some people take time... never think that im behind others or im never gonna get der.u will just change ur bad habits slowly n dont think all ur bad habits r gna go quickly and all together..its gonna take time but jus hang in der.its up to vaaheguroo.