Karam, Destiny..

[Banksy]

WJKK WJKF,

I have only recently become a member on the forums but have posted in the gupt section:

If you read this post then you will understand things about me, so I dont have to repeat myself, plus I'm sure some of you are a bit fed up with these types of posts!

I have made countless mistakes in my life, some knowingly, some innocently. As, i mentioned in my Gupt post...the mistake I am most upset about is not standing up to my father when it came to university, he made it clear that I wasn't allowed to leave my city to study. I knew the uni i wanted to study at was the best for my education but he made me go to one that I really didn't want to go to. I consequently left this particular uni, as I did not learn a thing. Whilst at that uni, I made a huge mistake. It was along the lines of "Kaam"...not giving to much information. As i am too ashamed. Now, the only things that is keeping me sane, is that this was written in my destiny, this mistake was supposed to happen...and I need to put it right, through bani and sewa, etc.

However, at times I feel so low...was it my destiny to fight (not fight as in anger and fury) but to stand up for myself and tell my father, that this was the right uni for me to go to and he should trust me. I accepted the lies he strung. Now, I can't get a job. He and my uncle absolutely scold many of us for not doing well. All they do in life is smoke, drink, caste-bash others, argue, pick on others, treat the boys better than us and god knows what else....those things there is all I have known in life...Am I paying for their bad deeds...? Is my destiny to suffer because of them?

How did even have a chance growing up in a family so full of ego?

Like I said, i have made countless mistakes...all relating to Kaam, the three times I have made those mistakes. I feel like I am being haunted by them...why is no one else haunted by their kaami desires. I know so many people who have done similar but continue to do so, why am I filled with filth and fury? Should I accept these feelings as Waheguru ji's guidance or some sort of evil?

I feel like I am just full of bad luck and bad energy...at what point can I no longer just say "well it's in my Karam/destiny/God's will"

I have struggled these past few years. I have forgiven myself and other people for things that went wrong years ago. I'm well on my way to mending bridges with them. But, the one relating to my education/dad and kaam are just spinning in my head. I have nightmares of people finding out my mistakes. Sometimes I just wake up randomly at 3.00 am and can't sleep. I feel sick and just can't concentrate. I feel like i need reassurance but just can't. I feel anger towards my dad. I just cannot speak to him. He's too proud and I can't live under the "fake" indian values. He wants to marry me off but is sure no one will marry me or take me seriously as I don't have the correct standard of education (which he prevented me from having)

I almost forgot. I once had a dream that Guru Nanak Ji's photo, spoke to me. I can't remember if it had tears coming from the photo, I think it might have. Guru Ji said to me "Stop thinking about it" It was referring to another mistake I made years ago and I was constantly thinking about it and then dreamt about it and once my mother woke up and could smell Karah Prashad. A really strong smell.

Whoever reads this, maybe confused as to what I am asking. As i have probably rambled but I have never felt content with my life. ever. I just wish I knew what to do. I am frightened, as I want to be a good sikh but what if it's just not in "my destiny"

Thanks to anyone who reads.

[Gupt1984]

Vjkk vjkf

I can relate to a lot of what u say, family wise, education and having relationships that weren't right. If u wanna chat pm me and I can give u my email address.

[VanHelsingh]

I get the feeling you had a relationship that is forbidden by Sikhi.

[Banksy]

All Kaam desires are forbidden aren't they? so yes it is forbidden. Of course, i hate myself for it but it wasn't entirely my fault. It wasn't a relationship either. I'm sure you can figure it out. I'm still a virgin, if that's what you are meaning and I have absolutely no desire for the opposite sex. It's pressure and situations that have made me give in to some forms of kaam but only one was a relationship and that was 8 years ago. Very childish and has no bearing on my current predicament. I just mentioned the three times relationships have come my way, as they are all a sin, I have literally felt sickened because I have turned my back on God.

[VanHelsingh]

All Kaam desires are forbidden aren't they? so yes it is forbidden. Of course, i hate myself for it but it wasn't entirely my fault. It wasn't a relationship either. I'm sure you can figure it out.

As long as it wasn't the one I'm thinking of - and if you are genuinely praying for redemption from Waheguru - there's always a way back.

[Banksy]

Are there some forms of sins there are no way back from?

You actually replied in my gupt thread also. Thank you for that.

[VanHelsingh]

Are there some forms of sins there are no way back from?

You actually replied in my gupt thread also. Thank you for that.

Seeing as you asked, I'll be frank. Guru Gobind Singh Ji said that there's no return from having a relationship with a Muslim (carnal relations, etc). Apologies if this is not the case in your instance.

Its something I read in one of the later volumes of 'The History of The Sikhs' by Max Arthur MacAuliffe. I'm not sure whether its a sandesh that has been enforced in the modern era. I don't see why it should be reiterated once Guru Ji has uttered it. His word is final.

[Banksy]

Ok, well no in my case.

People told me to divulge in relationships because it was normal, its what we are supposed to do. But when I have entered relations, i felt wrong. Like, i said i have no interest in the opposite sex. No desire, even to the point, i would find it difficult to have children with my spouse.

I guess I am just angry that my father has ruled my life, I have had no positive guidance from a sikh point of view and even a general point of view. But, yet I am supposed to be a good sikh or whatever....Fathers are supposed to protect you, mine put me in danger.

I dont know what destiny says about things like this, when there is nothing positive in your life. I am utterly fearful and lost. I don't even leave my house.

[VanHelsingh]

Do not put so much faith into your father. He is a human being just like the many billions in the world. He can make mistakes like the rest of us. If you feel your father has proven to be a poor role model or misguided you, then that is not your fault. Ultimately you aren't accountable for his deeds - even if you feel he is responsible for some of the activities you've been "encouraged" to do.

At least now you are realising the truth of this whole matter, and you wish to do something about it. You've realised what you've been directed to do by your father is utterly wrong. That's a good start isn't it?

Be brave. I understand about respecting one's parents, but if you feel something is amiss then you have every right to speak out. A man must make his own way in life at one time or another. Always looking for approval or permission from parents is sometimes not the best thing to do, especially when the parent or parents aren't shining paragons of virtue themselves - or if one suspects they have questionable judgement. Apologies if you think I'm taking shots at your parents - I'm honestly not. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

[Banksy]

No, i completely understand what you are saying. Unfortunately, my mother didn't really have much say...as the way it goes in Indian households. He spun her a web of lies too. I just wish she would have stood up for me. I think my mother is beginning to understand my side, she has seeing how leaving our city and mixing in good social circles have done the world of good for my other family members.

I know he is only a human but that part of my education, I will never get back. I have mentioned it my mother and she agrees but really she can't do anything. I want to speak out but it will fall on deaf ears, when i told him I wanted to stay in a (safe) hotel for a week, as I was really struggling with the journey to and from uni, he told me to shut up.

People are always talking about the state of the sikh youth and honestly, the majority come from backgrounds similar to mine. None of us really have any sort of guidance. In fact I really want to help sikh youths give up alcohol and clubs.

Some things in my life would not have happened if it wasn't for my egotistical father. I don't know if accepting he is wrong is enough...

I have shamed Waheguru with my actions and I'm truly sorry and I just cannot see a way out right now.

Thanks Kuljugi. I appreciate your words.