Really Irritated

[SinghSardarz]

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Hi, I'm writing here to get the sangat's opinion on a certain matter that's been troubling me a lot and it's affecting my studies and everything. So there's a Sant Ji who is close to my family and we've known him for a long time..probably for around 15 years because my parents and I took amrit from him. I have always respected him to the max and I still respect him now and will continue to in the future. He's really done a lot for sikhi and is well known everywhere. I know he's a Sant and the real deal and when I say that I mean I've seen him do things no ordinary man would even dream of in the spiritual sense and obviously he has tons and tons of kamaiye. However, recently I turned 19 years of age and he's been discussing my marriage briefly with my parents and the whole idea just got me so irritated because I'm in the second year of college and I don't really want to jump into a marriage anytime before around 25-28 years of age. He told my parents that he will get my marriage done in India. Note that I was born here in the US and I suck a lot in punjabi including my american accent along with shyness and everything and everyone just laughs when I talk in it. I don't even know half the language..just enough to recite Gurbani without knowing what I'm reading. I suck in it all around. English has always been my main language and I've been highly proficient in it in both writing and speaking fluently.

So now he was suggesting that when I get married it's to be done in India to a girl who'll do tons of sewa. Now I know the sewa is a good thing but I can't stand being married to someone from India who won't know what i'm talking about or who I won't be able to fully talk to with half the time. Whenever I try talking in punjabi with my punjabi friends, I can't keep a convo going more than literally 10 seconds. I just fail and switch to english. I want someone from England or America or Canada and nowhere else. On top of that I hate the idea of arranged marriages. I've seen the success my parents have had. No chemistry whatsoever..always fighting..slapping..talking about nothing but work..just boring talk like "oh how was work....oh i picked up a couple of passenger" end of convo -__- or something like "have you prepared my food? yes". This is literally the situation in my home and i'm sick of the fail marriage it is. No laughter whatsoever. It drives me crazy and I always think to myself "I will never get an arranged marriage if I'll end up anywhere close to this".

He's the type of Sant who you absolutely have to listen to or you sorta end up screwed in life due to "unnatural forces". I don't want to do any nindiya or anything and I apologize if I did any. I respect him and what he does but I feel like my life is being setup for me in a way that's not the best for me. I'm extremely irritated by this whole issue and I'm not even supposed to be thinking of marriage yet and I'm supposed to be getting a degree but now it's bothering me on how my life is being controlled. On top of that my parents would pretty much murder me if I went against what he says. This is really bothering me and I don't know what to do at all. I'd like the sangat's opinion on this and please reply urgently. I can hear my parents talking about it right now upstairs -__-

[Only five]

please hurry......... hahahahaa

All you have too do is talk to the Sant and he will respect your wishes. Sants don't force advice down your throat, they give advice and its ur choice whether you want to accept it or not. It would be different if you asked him for advice and then you rejected it, but you didn't ask so there is no problem here. Talk to the Sant and let him talk to your parents about how you feel and what you want.

The so called love marraiges have a higher failure rate than arranged marriages. One person i went to highschool with married a person of his choice last year and they divorced before their first anniversary. But they were together for five years before they got married. There are more cases i can rant about just that i know of, but i think you get the point. It's the type of person you marry, not the way you meet. There are girls out there that play goody good, but when you get to know them, they are down right rotten to the core. If you meet a girl for the first time then your taking a gamble whether she is putting on a front or actually genuine. And the probability of a girl being genuine is 1 to a 100 (not female hating, but universities are a good place for the perverts of both genders). Arranged marraiges can weed out the fakes from the down to earth girls that have morals and stick to them. If you can trust your networks and find a girl that is genuine then take that root, but most likely someone is sticking up for another person because they owe them for a different favor or they are just unsure about the whole thing.

Your punjabi speaking problem is not a big issue because girls from india also can speak english with an accent, but not all. I think you don't want to get married in india because your wife would have grown up in a different culture. In my opinion india culture is 1000 times better than this one we live in; Canada and US. Put it another way, would you want your sister (i don't know if you have a sister, its just and example) getting married to a guy from Canada or US, who she met on her own? Most likely hes hiding in 600 closets and he is not coming out. This culture is messed up all around. The deeper you dig the more dirt you find. But if you can find that one genuine girl, then your a lucky man.

Focus on your studies, if you stress about this marriage issue too much, your studies are going to suffer.

[Guest Guest]

Get married to someone from India who is homely and has good values. As a 19 year old your experience with relationships is probably very limited. Arranged marriages have worked and been the norm for 1000s of years, dating and love marriages have only recently become popular and with divorce rates around 50% they clearly don't work - look at how many young amritdhari couples divorce these days.

The majority of girls from western countries (including amritdhari ones) at marriagable age have usually been involved in past relationships, many physical. I would treat your sant's offer as a good opportunity rather than an irritation and you may well regret passing on it in years to come.

[Guest gupt-bandar]

After my schooling and then off to work and then came time for marriage. Only one thing that i have in my mind at that time was "NOT to get married toa western bibi." I am glad that i didnt. Few non-workable examples as of your parents example is sad but thats not how all arranged marriages are. The final yes or no right is always given to young ones except extreme pendu case.

19 yrs is too young and you should concentrate on studies and guru sahib ji. Ignore what saint figure said or what your parents say about getting married at such young age. If they insist hard then make condition instead of saying no.. Put condition that whenever munda have a steady job and become a good provider then ONLY you will marry him (chances for him to do this is slim).. With no offense to you, usually such rishtay cases involves the close relatives of babaey who wants their relatives to be well settled in foreign countries..

[VanHelsingh]

There's good and bad everywhere, my friend. You can't rule out home-grown Panjabi girls immediately (although in the current climate back home I completely understand your reservations). But then you could also end up with a dodgy partner from the Western countries you mentioned.

Add into the mix the desires and opinions of your Sant Ji, and I do not envy you at all. As a few of my brothers on this topic have already said, you REALLY need to focus on your studies. At your age, marriage is irrelevant.

Why don't you consult your Sant Ji directly? I know it seems like an intimidating task, but instead of suffering in silence you could tackle the issue head-on? By speaking out, it would suggest that you have your own thoughts about the subject, and that you have courage to object to issues you are not happy about? Of course it must be done in a respectful manner.

As for your difficulty in speaking Panjabi - best hit the books. Its the only way!!!

With no offense to you, usually such rishtay cases involves the close relatives of babaey who wants their relatives to be well settled in foreign countries...

This may seem unpalatable to you (considering your families close relationship with the Sant) but its something I have indirect experience of too. That's not to say Sant Ji is wrong or devious (or any other slanderous nonsense) but just that Sant Ji is doing what any other Panjabi and/or Sikh person would do.

[Guest guptbhenji]

WJKK WJKF

Firstly paaji let me say ur family is lucky to have that relationship with the sant. But everything depends on our karm too.

Maybe the sant can see somthing than we cant see as ordinarily people, not saying that they are god or superman, but there must be a reason for why they have mentioned it to ur parents and nobody else's son. Sants have lots of people that respect them, so they could have chosen anybody really if u think about it.

maybe they feel u are a suitable match for the girl they have in mind.

Like the others said, if i were in ur position I would meet the sant and tell him how u feel, otherwise they wont know, they maybe thinking u are all for it. And they may even let u know reason for getting married at ur age.

Although nineteen is young, if u feel that way u should express it to them. and do ardas to guruji to help u in this situation.

Dont worry all will work out well have faith in god.

[Guest Guest]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

Singh ji,

You have a choice either to remain a boy or be a MAN !

Men always take a stand in life.

So if you decide to be a man then let your parents know that you aren't ready for marriage.

You don't need to talk to the Sant, let your parents handle it.

Don't worry, tomorrow if the Sant asks your parents to transfer all their property to him, do you think they will do that !

There is always a LIMIT, it is upto the individual where to draw a LINE.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[Wicked Warrior]

As above, there's no reason to rush into marriage

There is no shame in marrying from India. There's no shame in learning to read/write/speak punjabi. It is a stepping stone to learning Gurmukhi and understanding it.

You have desires in your mind about what YOU want to do, who YOU want to marry, etc. Some sants can see into the future, your path etc. Certainly Baba Mihan Singh Ji knew my parents were going to marry each other weeks before anyone else did. Maybe the are various paths for you to take? Maybe by marrying a woman from India, you will travel on the righteous path? On the other hand, your whole life could be in ruin.

As above, speak to the sant. Ask if you can do your studies and get a job first before marrying. Asking (rather than telling) is a more respectful way to approach this. Explain what your wishes are. If they are truly saintly, they will let you walk your own path.