Mom-In-Law Factor....

[Guest guest]

thats not quite true dalsingh.

we cant point our fingers at all mother in laws. That's not always the case.

I've seen it with my own eyes, where the daughter in law is very sly and cunning towards the mother in law - trying to turn her hubby against own mother.

Just as mothers are very protective over their sons, wives can be the same. In most families from what I have seen people act like they own their loved ones as if they are their property.

When it comes to marriage, the problem in our society is that when a wife is welcomed into the family, it's like the daughter and/or mother in law may find them as a threat and cause problems before they can even get to knwo each other and get on with to begin with. It's ridculous.

I'm not having a go at u penjee or pointing the finger to you.

Trust me penjee just let your mother in law do and says as she pleases, just dont let it affect you. Just go out of your way to be kind to her, she will soon get bored. When she makes comments about your appearance as a singhnee and when she compares you to other girls just laugh it off an knock her back with some light comments, so that your MIL is getting it through her head that you are proud of being Guru Gobind Singhs Daughter and that your not a coward to stand out by wearing a dastaar. Stay strong and have faith!

[Gupt1984]

Bhenji like the others have already said, you are not alone in this situation. I think mothers find it hard to adjust to another woman in her sons life. the son who has been so

dependant on her thus far. My mother in law was the same, we would hardly have any conversation whilst we were home alone and then as soon as my husband came home she was full of conversation. She would almost run to

Him when he came home to ask what he wanted to eat. Whenever we both went out together alone she wouldn't talk to me when we came back.

As a newly wed i found all this difficult to deal with, but I soon realised that she just wanted to feel wanted and feel she still had a role in the family, rather than me taking over all the cooking and cleaning. I had a chat with my mother in law and told her how I was feeling, and how her behaviour was making me unhappy. I do believe that sometimes people do need to be told how they are making u feel. Yes we can say that your husband should be saying it to his mum, but If you do it directly it's more likely to come across as a concern that you want sorting out rather than you just complaining to your husband.

Find a time when your alone with your mum in law, and just say mum I really want to talk to you, and tell her how you feel and that you genuinely wish to sort it out so that you can be happier in the house. Don't so it in a way that she feels you are accusing her and listing her faults but in a way that you express how you feel. Even make some suggestions on how you can get round these issues, I.e you cooking the meals on certain days and her on others. Tell her that you know she has done it for so long and that you just want to give her a break.

Like another bhenji suggested go out with your mother in law, find out what she is interested in and see if you can do

Something together. Ignoring the whole thing or letting it carry on as it is will only make you more miserable, and can ultimately affect your relationship with your husband.

Communication is the key bhenji, speak to your mother in law and tell her how you feel, despite what we think she may not actually be aware of how much this is affecting you.

Hope all goes well bhenji

Vaheguru ji ka Khalsa vaheguru ji ke fateh.

[dalsingh101]

thats not quite true dalsingh.

we cant point our fingers at all mother in laws. That's not always the case.

I know, you do get some who are open hearted towards a daughter in law too.

But, at the risk of being hammered as a sexist, I have to say, that there is something very 'intense' about the nature of feminine hostility towards each other. And I say this from a simpleton blokes perspective. Females can be crazily competitive with each other sometimes. The Panjabi MIL scenario is just way too common for it not to have something behind it. Personally I think it is most likely feminine competitiveness that lies behind it. I think sometimes this twists into who has the most influence/control over the groom. If mum is used to it, she'll often resent the new influence of the wife. Wife will often (understandably if they are brought up in the west), resent what they see as unwanted and unnecessary intrusion of the MIL into her husband/wife relationship. So the situation perpetuates.

Blokes can act like complete plonkers too with over-competitiveness between themselves, it just comes out in different ways to when women do it. Like physical fights and swearing etc.

[Kharkooartsy]

NOT all mother in laws are bad!!!

my grandma was soo good to my mom she treated her like her daughter or i think she loved her more than her daughters.. whenever my mom talks about her she gets sad because she really miss getting that pyar from her

but i believe you penji.. there are many people that just dont have the right mindset... if she is not treating you right you need to discuss it. like amarjit penji said.. just put paath on

dont worry about the bakwaas she says to you..

you need to have confidence in you.. you are beautiful you are guru jis daughter and incomparable to the moni daughterinlaws..

ur suss should understand that there is nothing greater than having a gurmukh daughterinlaw.

just do paath.. do simran walking around.. or w/e you are doing.

[Guest daveena]

It all started in June 2010 just before satz’s (my husbands mamma) registry wedding, chacha ji and chachie ji came from Gravesend. I asked mandeep (my husbands brother) in the evening if he could call tony upstairs need to have a quick chat with him.

So tony(my husband) came up into the room, we both were having a civilised conversation, aaryan( my baby) was asleep at the time. Mum clearly was listening to our conversation from outside the room, for her to come and to intrude in our conversation and the way she spoke clearly meant she was listening outside, she didn’t hear everything apart from when i said my family your family, she decided to come into our room, she was raising her voice because me and tony were talking, tony said to her do you mind we are talking, and mum still kept saying things, and tony had to tell her again do you mind aaryan is sleeping, so next thing all we hear is mum not knowing anything what was discussed but she goes downstairs and starts saying she treats him like a slave (referring to I treat tony like a slave), and makes a big scene in front of chacha ji and chachie ji. This was said last year and again today but screaming it behind my back not to my face. Tony did go downstairs and said to mum, why you listening out the room, you don’t even know what we are talking about. So from then on there was no conversation between mum and us.

What me and tony started to notice that mum and dad wouldn’t talk to aaryan, hold him or anything. But as soon as jin or anyone else is holding him they would go up to him then or if he’s lying down in his basket they would go up to him but only if I’m not there. I don’t understand why they are bringing aaryan into this? When masi and maser came from India, one day we wer all at mamajis flat the day after the wedding, and maser was holding aaryan, maser ji was giving aaryan to mum to hold, but tony saw mum shook her head.

The day off mamma ji’s registry, after it was all finished everyone was giving there congratulations to each other, but i didn’t give my congrats to mum, i personally didn’t think i needed to when she clearly treated me like an outsider on that day, which was her decision. The main thing of that day which shocked me was when we all came home and all relatives, i was about to get humiliated infront of everyone, which i was about to lose my patience but thankfully tony was there. Mum was standing outsider the living room door, and i was standing at the corner of the sofa, and all i hear was excuse me, and i turned round and mum said are you not suppose to say anything to me,(referring to congratulating her on the wedding) and i replied back (not that i no off), and tony heard, and he came in and said what he had to say to mum at the time.

So up until mama ji’s Indian wedding which was in august there was no conversation between us at all, but in between time mum has a habit of just standing looking at me directly at me or from the corner of her eye, if she has a problem with me come to me and sort it out.

It also came to a time where i found out that everyone was talking about my sister and hapz, from which i no they are friends, but it just gave every1 in the family to still gossip about them, so i heard a few things which shocked me, that family members thought there was something going on between them both. So that specific day i went to the gym, i came back and asked tony does he know everyones talking behind our backs about haps and sanita, he was confused as i was, so i left it at that because he didn’t no either, the rest was up to him to ask his brother., So tony did ask mandeep, but mandeep didn’t want to answer the question but made it into an arguement, mandeep came into the living room and started saying to me what crap have you said to him now, so he was having a go at me for no reason. So mandeep and jin went upstairs to there room, me and tony went into our room. 10 – 15 mins later we hear mandeep and jin go downstairs into the kitchen, mandeep was shouting, so at this time mum and dad knew what was happening. Me and tony went downstairs we sitting on the stairs listening what they were all saying in the kitchen, number one mandeep was on the phone to whoever asking that person who told dee, but me and tony didn’t understand why he could just answer tonys question when he asked mandeep, so why is mandeep on the phone for. 2nd of all we hear mum again bad mouthing me, she is causing the brothers to argue, shes an unfit wife, unfit mother, unfit daughter inlaw, she doesn’t feed aaryan properly.

So tonys bangs the door and goes into the kitchen i just stayin in the hallway as i was holding aaryan, and all i hear mum saying to dad, get the girl out here as in jin because she’s pregnant. And then mandeep shouted out get the <banned word filter activated> out and take your <banned word filter activated> out with you. I didn’t retaliate once back to when he said this to me.

I went upstairs and tony said pack your bags, so we went to mam ji’s.

The next day we went back to the house as tony had to go to work the next day, so the next morning when i was in the house and everyone was at work apart from mum and dad, i went downstairs and i was feeding aaryan, mum decides to look over and yes i did move aaryans car seat, as saying to myself you haven’t bothered so why look at all.

So this is where it was time to speak, as I’ve always been told by everyone in that house just be calm be calm don’t say anything, i mean a year and a half almost of not saying one word its a bit too much now.

So mum says to be your just jealous, and i replied what was that, and she said it again your jealous. I said to mum i will never be jealous of my son not the way you are with yours. You can’t take the fact they have moved on and you can’t control them the way you have done. Mum said he will always be my grandson, and i replied he never will and he hasn’t been he doesn’t even no you. You stopped your interest in him, which everyone saw. An I said to mum don’t you ever call me an unfit wife, unfit mother, unfit daughter in-law, I don’t feed aaryan properly, i treat him like a slave, don’t you ever call me an <banned word filter activated> cherayle, don’t you ever discriminate my upbringing because the way you’re speaking to me clearly mean you haven’t had the right upbringing yourself. All these things what you said about me behind my back, this is who you are.

And i also said to mum in the argument you were like bring jin out here because she’s pregnant you didn’t want nothing to happen to here, but you forgot when i was pregnant when you were screaming and shouting down my throat in my pregnancy, clearly they are differences here.

And i said to mum you always tell me those people are like that, these people are like this, i replied back to mum said all those people whome you spoke about are perfectly fine its you, it’s you that has the problem cant you see no one likes coming here, so don’t bad mouth others.

Mum said to me you remember in 4 years time what you have being saying to me and i replied back you remember in 20 years time what you have said and done to me.

So after all that i went upstairs with aaryan, dad comes homes and that when she started shouting with here high pitch voice again, she’s saying to dad she’s talking about my mum and papa ji, that’s all mum kept saying and she kept saying who’s filled her ears in. But dad as usual took mums side didn’t want to come and hear me, but all i hear dad saying she’s mad she’s mad, she has to go, and as mum was leaving for work she said to dad i want a full report from everyone who’s been filling her hears in.

Mum seems to always bad mouth me and says things about behind my back, there hasn’t been a time she has come to my face and told me whats the problem in a civilised manner. She’s always slagged me off, but it hasn’t been dealt with up until today by me or even tony, its always been brushed under the carpet, this is why it will happen again and again every few months, but in every case there’s an argument I seem to be the one to blame. But every single member in this family is faultless.

Once we were gone tony use to get call from dad, mandeep, mama ji, that you should sort this all out, come back, dad use to say u can move in next door, so a month nearly went by, and we decided to move next door, it clearly wasn’t the same as its not our house and they can chuck us out again.

When it was diwali in November me, tony and aaryan went to the gurdwara, when we came back dad said come next door your mums doing a paat, when we went to our room, i simply said to tony I’m not going to listen to anyone that read from a guru grantsaab after everything what they have done, and clearly tony agreed.

so it was better living in our own privacy, but still sometimes tony suggested me to go next door for this and that or to ask for things etc, i no he was trying to make amends, which is a good thing, but the problem between me and tony is i can do all these things to start building relationships, but try and fullfill my wishes also which is sit with your parents and brother, talk to them that all bad mouthing etc is out of order that my wife your speaking about, but tonys problem is he wont stand his ground and be on top of his responsibilities and to protect them.

So later this year nov 2010 i went Glasgow for under 2 weeks, and while i was up there at times i would be unhappy with tony, not the fact that he use to go to his parents house the fact that i don’t want tony to let them have the satisfaction that everything’s ok, so they can get away with it again.

When i came back to London it wasn’t 100% with us then a couple of days after as tony would call it i was nagging at him. Yes i did nag, but i nagged for a reason all i said to him was go next door and speak to them to get it sorted, i said to him you can start speaking because you’re use to all this, but as a daughter inlaw and a sister inlaw its different, so he wasn’t having any of it and it came to blows, i went to the toilet and tony locked me out the room, and clearly next door the other lodgers could hear everything, i kept saying to open the door, he finally opened the door, but then he tried to lock me in the room, so i don’t no what he was playing at, and then he decided to come in the room puts his slippers on and runs downstairs with aaryan, chaps the door to go to mum and dad, he goes in and that’s it I don’t hear nothing from no1, so basically he didn’t tell me how long and plus you don’t just pick up the baby and just go like that from an argument, so tony went next door, i called the police and told them everything they said that wasn’t right and you had every rite to call us, when the police came he took a report of what happened. Dad decides to come and see but the police told him to go next door sir, and when 2 of the policemen went to see tony, the policewomen was with me and mum decides to come out and say hello, but the lady told her to go in also, mum and dad both didn’t come over and see me or to ask me what happen, but when the police come that’s when they wanted to show there face to me. If mum still didn’t want to talk to me, at least dad could of, so in this time serine came and she stayed with me until tony came. Dad didn’t come over to speak to me but instead wanted to speak to his lodger about what happened, arvinder was telling him the truth, because i was stand at top of the stairs, and as he was speaking dad still kept on saying no she’s at fault, and i stamped on the floor and dad changes the subject, so when arvinder came up he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Serine and tony popped out and when they came back serine told me she said to tony shes going to take me with her for a day or 2. And at this time tony was ok.

So i needed more things for aaryan, but tony said i cant come until her dad comes down, so dad had to come down, not knowing that tony wants dad to take me and aaryan up with him, if this was the case dad wouldn’t off come down as he said. So me and dad went over to speak to him, and tony said my parents don’t want anything to do with this, dad said ok. Dad just listened to me and tony speak, he hasn’t come down to take me, he came down to sort this out. where i was wrong dad would tell me and where he was rite and wrong dad would tell us. Tony told dad he want me to go up so he can think, and she can think. I said to tony a few times i’m not going, i don’t see why i have to, and then i said if you want to go by all mean, but i have every right to stay here as much as you. But nope tony still wanted me to go, so when we left, we left on good terms.

While I’ve been in Glasgow tony and i didn’t talk hardly at all, but i tryed to get in contact with and finally we spoke, it wasn’t a pleasant convo, it seems like im trying to speak out from the root and try to solve it all out, but tony keep saying now i took his son away, he sent me up here with my dad, tony knew that my family were going to be coming down Bedford for Christmas and on boxing day they would visit us, so a week or 2 before I was to come back down we spoke on the phone and I reminded tony there coming and he goes well its dad birthday so they cant come plus they have already seen you both why do they want to see you again. So obviously it all go into an argument and he just said stay there. I will not tolerate on when i can see my parents and when they can see us. I have never put tony in any sort of position before.

When we are speaking to solve matters, I’m trying to stay to the point, if i say your mums done this, your brother said this, which all the things I’m saying are true, I’m not going to lye about anything, on the other hand when tony wants to say things about my side of the family its all slagging them off.

For eg your dad plays the tax man, your brother has a greasy job, your all cheapskates.

One thing which is the most important thing on whome tony does so much slagging of is to his own son, he says ive ripped is birth certificate, who is he i don’t no him, you provide for him, he can call your brother dad, and at that point i said to him he will make a better father than you have, tonys said wat your brother has a greasy job lol.

And tony has asked for all his things from me, his mobile, wedding rings, aaryans clothes, prams etc

Therefore my mum called mum there to say that I’m coming down and she needs here things, this what tony wants, but mum said she doesn’t want to speak on the phone come here so we can speak, mum said i’m finished with her I’ve wiped my hands with her.

[Guest The wise one]

Hi All

Just reading this post and I can say you are not alone, I have been living with my in laws for 3 years, and it has been very tough. 
 

The mother in law is definitely jealous of the daughter in law, and for her to have all the affection since her son was born up until now being married she still wants it, it’s messed up! Why can’t you let the couple live in peace, why must you still want your sons attention and be the best for him. Surely you must be open to his wife being his world now, she will carry his child and create a family together. 
 

I don’t understand Punjabi mother in laws who have an only son and who may not have a partner but think it’s OK to suddenly make their son their partner. Not fair on the wife, she did not get married to be second place, she also did not marry the family but the husband, and his family should respect his choice. If they were so bothered of the model they wanted to brainwash then they should have done arranged marriage to their preference but what life is that for the son? He definitely wouldn’t be counted as a man. 
 

Anyways my point is, she will always do this until her last breathe there’s no changing, unless you move out or adjust by not acknowledging her and entertaining her in pettiness you can be ok, it will be tough but it depends on how much you want your relationship to work.Also we all have those sils where the mother in law talks to about you and how they change their attitude, also grandmas, they are the same. Might come from a different generation but they look down so much they are disgusting. I would say to keep a cordial relationship between the in laws, they will always be ‘in laws’ and more his family than yours.