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Help! I Lost My Baby And My Love. End Of My Nerves.

Guest SimranKaur5

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Guest SimranKaur5


I m really at the end with my nerves.

I wish to die, but i cant. its like hell now.

my jaanu ji end our relationship.

we only met because we was seriously to marry.

i never wanted to meet someone for a short time relationship.

but many things happpend. i dont know why.

last months i always still had so much hope, that he will change mind, or only talked cos anger.

but yesterday he even scold me not to disturb him again, we will not have any future together. and if i will ask him again on phone why he will cut the phone.

he named a stupid excuse. he said, because i hurted him, i said 'mad' to him.

Yes, thats true. i told him 'mad' one day. but that is long time ago. and after that day we started our real good time. after that we meet and promised each other.

so i think that cant be true.

why i said mad to him?

because that time, he loved me so much and he was always so upset, when i called with sister or went to my sister. Whenever i went to sister or called or chat, he started talking very angry. thats why i felt bad and always got confused and asked what happend to him, and whats wrong. then he got even more angry. and scold me that i get always so strange after i contact with sister. so i explained to him, that it is not true. i cant imagine. there is not reason to get strange. the only reason why i may be strange is, after he get angry, and everytime only angry after contact sister. i said it is just reaction to your behave. i was talking very calm but confused. i ask whats wrong? and he became more angry and upset and told me he has doubts about me and something wrong about my sister and me. i really didnt know how to explain, that there is nothing. absolutely nothing. i just talk normal things with my sister, talking about harry potter music, religion, news, her work, her husband, our sisters, brothers, mother, father. And i was not different when i talked with him, after contacted with my sister.

but he was different. because he felt neglected by me whenever i talked to someone else. and the only person whom i talk else is my sister only. and because he felt neglected by me, because he loved me so much and is possessive about me, so he was so upset then and started angry talk. but the problem was, he didnt hear about what i said and he he really believed that somethng wrong with me. he didnt realized that he started everything because of his emotions. so one day when he scold me so much and said i am strange and he has doubt and he dont like my sister, i was so confused and told him mad possessive.

one and half day he remembered me again and again that i hurt him with that words and he would not call me again because i dont like it. i told him that it is not true. i love each of his calls. i love his possessive kind and his jealious. that is the reason why i love him so much. and i excused that i hurted him. and i explained him why i said mad and that it is not about his calls, because i will love it allways.

after that it was ok.

he called me very often and we talked everyday, sometimes more than 16 hours.

after that, we met in march. it was our happiest time. my best time in my life.

but i was very afraid. and excited, because i never met someone. but i told to myself that i should not be afraid, cos he will be my husband anyway.

Then the next and most bad thing came.

I gave my mobile to my jaanu ji. because he liked it to have my mobile always with him. i also loved it. his possessive kind. and that he want to control me and all.

but after 3 days i got sms. very bad written english sms said something like 'love you, i will kill self <banned word filter activated>'.

my jaanu ji asked me what is that and whom write to me. i didnt know that number. because i only know my father and sisters and my brother number. else i dont know. i have no friends. only one. my best friend. but her number is not on that mobile, because i am always to lazy to write sms or ad new contact. that mobile was new one.

so i didnt know and also i didnt understand that word. it sounds like <banned word filter activated> and kill and love...but only i guessed. because very wrong english it was.

but my jaanu ji was sure about the meaning. and he told me that someone loves me and call me <banned word filter activated> and wanna killself. i only could not expect such sms thats why i didnt believe it. but i was afraid. because i felt my jaanu ji was upset and sad and i thought that kind of sms is spoiling our love.

then my phone ringed. my jaanu ji gave me the phone. it was my brother in law. same number. it was my brother in law who wrote it. and really. he was very very drunken and shoouted to me why i always calling my sister his wife but not him. i said to him to come down and that he is full drunken, and with his mad behave he is spoiling my future and my jaanu ji sit next to me and can here you. i asked him to give my sister, but he said no sister here....i was worried, and i asked him again where my sister is and to give my sister on phone, then he disconnected. and again and again he called after few minutes but used my sisters phone. so i picked up again and asked where my sister is and that he is totally drunken and why he do such things?

i was so confused and upset and said, because i felt how bad my jaanu ji felt that moment. he must think, that i have a relationship with my sisters husband as i get such sms.

i more was feeing bad for my jaanu ji. because in my past i experienced a lot of war in my family and also i know my sisters husband always drunken and talking very bad and also i even had to scold him lots of time. so. if i was alone there, i could handle with that situation. i would scold him lot. maybe even i would go there and beat him, to protect my sister and me.

but that time i felt bad and weak. because i cant responsible my jaanu jis feeling.

he really was very upset but he controlled, because he didnt want to make discussion and stress. as we had such nice time.

ok. but i could not reach my sister. so i called my little brother to ask him to go to their flat to check what happend. but little brother was at work. i called police then to check.

but i only done that, to make my jaanu ji feeling better.

because i felt that there was nothing happen to my sister. my brother in law is egoistic mental problem human, but he would not do physical harm to my sister. but little bit i still was worried as she didnt reply to sms and nothing. but also police didnt call back again.

next day i found my sister in chat. she didnt talk. then i asked what happend. she told me her husband loves me.

that moment i really really was angry. i thought he must be mad. that is bad and not normal. or just he said so cos too drunken. i more was angry, because even IF really he would love me....then he would know that it is bad to tell it infront of his wife who will be soooo broken heart then. he knows how much she loves him.

and also he spoil my future. that is most egoistic what he ever done. i didnt know what shall i wrote. i felt so bad for my sister. but i also felt guitly because it is about me. what should she think about me then.

OK. if i was alone that moment i really would go there and try to explain and talk the situation, beat my brother in law scold him and try to find out reason why he say such things, or this is just a confused feeling after alcohol and tobbacco.

OK. Now i can understand. but it doesnt make sense. because my Jaanu ji is hurt anyway.

i am sure i know the reason why my sisters husband is so crazy and say such things about me. but my jaanu ji do not know my family. even never saw and never met. only one day he talked to my brother in law. cos i gave him the number of my bil. so my jaanu ji can call him and ask about me and my family. that day he didnt say bad things or strange things. but seems he told too good about me which my Jaanu ji doubt. why he use too praise his sister in law? he said i will be best wife. like traditional indian. i will do everything for my husband, sacrifice everything.

i think my brother in law really praise me. it is my mistake. since first time, since my sister and him first time met, i was there helped them talk each other, because they was shy. and i was not because i felt responsible and as oldest sister i thought i should do something else they will not come together. my sister told me to say something, so i asked him where he comes from and so on, so after little time they talked. After few weeks i went to China for my study. i was there for more than one year. while i was in china i made a trip to hongkong. after 6 months. when i called my sister she asked me to go to india to take some paper for apply their marriage. because his uncle in india was not ready to send it, and if i go there he would know they are serious. so what i done? after 2 days i arrived delhi airport. i had never been in india before. and i feel very very shy even mad shy infront of people who i dont know but should know and talk. but i done. because thats me. i dont know why. i dont think i am just nice, i think i just cant say no. thats why i went there, although i was so afraid, coming in a different culture family, who i dont know, have to live there for some weeks. there was one of his sisters family in delhi and after a week or 2, i was brought to other sisters family in punjab, near amritsar.

i think that was my first mistake. i think my bil was very very amazed about me, that i done that for him.

after half year i came back home. that time my sisters husband was in spain, cos that time they wanted to marry, but in spain. because visa. so my sister also went after some time to spain. and then suddenly i got call, she told me in 4 days they will marry. nobody of our family was there. and he doesnt have parents. they died. thats why also he has mental problem now. drinking alcohol and very strange behave. but that time i felt bad, they marry but alone, without family without presents. so i called my best friend, who lives 950 km from here. and she called me to come to her as soon as possible. so next morning i took train and went to my best friend. and then next morning we drived by car to spain. it was 1.5 days. we arrived in night few hours before their marriage, and it was a surprise because we didnt tell them. it was nice adventure cos we didnt know their adress just the town, when we arrived the town, we tried to find out their adress and made big story. but again my bil was very amazed by me what i do everything for them.

especially he was amazed by me because he feel like my family is not good. my brother do not care our family he even hates bil. my father only call and come when he needs money, our litte sister is very naughty and even do not say hello when she saw him in bus or visit them. so he was very disappointed from our family. but only i do lot for family and even for him. because also i felt very sad when my sister told me about his past and that he lost parents and his mom was very very ill and he was in hospital with his mum till she died. thats why i felt so bad and sad and i wanted to be good. also i know it is important for my sister that family is close. thats important for their relationship. as noone care about their marriage and relationship it is more difficult to be strong together. he also has no parents who would catch him, if he fell or both fell, and from our side also not. as nobody cares and we do not have relation to our mother.

and i always feel responsible if i know nobody do anything then i feel i have to do.

ok. then her husband came back. and my sister asked me to support him to do the paperwork like apply for visa and all, because she was in training and had no time and the offices all only open in the morning. as i studied at university i was little bit flexible with time. so i supported him, went to foreigner offices, to health insurance office and called here and there. also my sister get stress by do such things. then they start to fight always. and also he started always talk disappointed things, because our family doesnt care about anything and about them, and our family is bad. i can understand that, but that mades my sister sad and she protected my father. i felt if at least i will be good in family and help then her husband might feel better and relax and then they dont need to fight.

also he was disappointed cos my sister is not really so tidy. and whenever they visited me my room is so clean and tidy. so he called me sometimes and told me to talk with my sister. but my sister more and more told me that he change and is very unfriendly, even do not say anything when he leave home. when she is cooking he say nothing about her cooking. she told me its difficult for her to clean and tidy cos she do not feel for what and whom as he get more and more unfriendly to her. and then he started drunken more and more. and always when he drunken he called me and cried around what she do. i sometimes tried to help him and said to change and not to drink and told him what my sister thinks. but often i needed to scold him. because it made me sad when my sister told me he change. then i scold him. and he told me i am like his grandma or even he told me i am like his mum. when i visited them, they also started fight sometimes. because when i came into their home, he didnt say hello to me and my sister was very angry about that and scold around. but to be honest i didnt realzed it. because i dont mind he greeting me or not. i thought maybe it is indian behave. why he should greeting me. but they started always fight then and i felt uncomfortable. that also was one reason why my jaanu ji was angry to me one day. cos while i was just coming to my sister, they fight and same moment my jaanu ji called me but i didnt pick up his call because i felt uncomfortable to call happy and in love with him, while they are fighting, because me, because he didnt say hello. thts why i thought i will wait untill her husband leave home for work, then i will call my jaanu ji. but he was very very excited and angry me. scolded me. and said there is something wrong. yes. then he started telling me whenever i am with my sister i am changeing. but that all was misunderstanding. because i was not changing. normally i was at sisters home that day to talk and make fun and watch tv with her. but then i felt responsible only chat with my jaanu ji. because i felt how bad he feel so i was at sistees home and didnt talk with her. she cooked i even didnt eat cos i was so busy with him and asked him why he so excited. i explained him, that i was not able to talk cos i felt uncomfortable. yes it was my mistake. if i would be cool i would pick up his call. but i am afraid i felt like a wood. i hate fights. i dont know what to do then. and especially not because they fighted about me, although

i didnt mind. i even told while she started to scold him, that i even didnt realized, its no problem. but she didnt listen to me.

i think both make mistakes. he cry around and call me because my sister do or do not things which he dont like and my sister tell me how bad he treat her.

i didnt know ever what shall i do. but as they both telling me i always feel i have to do something. my sister really sounds very unhappy and always cry. but also i know she loves him very much. so i am not able to tell her divorce, i would never say so. especially not because i also would never think about a divorce. i felt possessive for my sister so i tried only to keep him in our family. i dont know i am good or bad sister. i dont know it is right from me. because i feel like i am helping him more than her. he is bad to her with his behave and drinking and ignoring her. ok i scold him lots of times. i even told him that i will tell her to leave him, if he would not change but then i got doubts in him. because he just told me whatever, then he would go back to spain. it really sounds liked he would only use her for visa. but other day he cried and told me he will never leave her, its his religion his culture. i dont need to be afraid.

anyways. i also asked them one day to help me to find spouse. i asked them because he could find indian man for me. but he was not ready to help. he told me every indian are bad here in this country. they only marry european for visa and in india no good man would come here to marry a european. i can understand. but when i told i will look for my self he was angry and told my sister i am <banned word filter activated>. and then he started again telling her what bad family she has. also he always is jealious about me. i mean because i live alone. because i sometimes make holidays and go to the mountains. and because i lived in another town and whenever he think about i am in train he even jealious that i am so free. because my lifestyle is what he wish. i know that. he feels not good to be in a marriage. he would like to travel around. go here and there look here and there. one day they visited me at university to eat in the mensa. my sister was looking and hold free 3 seats and i shown him the food. then i realized he was watching girls and said to himself 'sorry i cant'.

whenever i came their they fight, because no hello or also because he started laugh about me and talking things like....i would enjoy it to travel and in train and look around, looking here and there....like bad girl. but i do not.

because it is not my lifestyle. my life is not what i want. i wish to have a husband and family. you have but you want to be alone and look around.

other things is....sometimes he is very emotionally. in the last few years 2 or 3 uncles in his family died. it seems very bad. so many of his family die. they was relatives from his mum. and his sisters also always call and cry. so sometimes he call my father, brother, me, even our mother, just because he need to talk or family around him. when i was there also he started singing. and called my mother. my sister shamed for his strange behave and explained me that he is said sometimes when he think about his mother.


finally i found my love. but not here. but in another country. and my sister told her husband that i will leave the country cos i will marry. and then i will not come back, and later go to india.

i think then he went mad. because i think he see me as his onliest family, from his wife side, but also even from his side. because else he has nobody. and i was always there when they had problems or at least sometimes.

so i am sure that mad call was caused by mixed feelings. one side, because he is so broken, that now even i leave him, now there is nobody who help, other side also he is jealious, because i go to that country where he always wish to go, but my sister do not agree, because she dont like to leave the country. jealious because i go to his dreamcountry, have a love...as he also wish to look here and there around and wish to have always a fresh love. i am sure. he is such kind of person. even if my sister do not realize it, but i only need to see him and i know.

and...also....his mad sms....caused by his mixed feelings plus his egoistic nature. as he is really a very very egoistic and selfish person. so it was typically. he didnt think about what he done and what it means to my sister and finally to me, what his words caused finally. without to think about. just talk straight. without regard what and whom he will loose....i really dont like such character. i live now at my fathers flat.. its really hard for me. because my father is similar. always plays all his money in casino. after crying around he lost again all his money. then he cry around and ask me to buy this and that. and many more. when i told him i will leave country, he didnt say something like will missing me....he only said i should go to health insurance then to talk about the money. as now he gets money cos he live here and support him.

Whatever. After few days i was home. i mean back home after i was at my jaanu ji.

and talked with my jaanu ji on internet. but after few days again something started. and also he scold me and told me my brother in law is right, i am <banned word filter activated>. and he doubt me.

he cant go further with me.

i didnt know what can i say. because i thought what he think is right from his sight. he do not use that bad word to hurt me. he say that because he is hurt. and he cant trust me. i understand this. because if i would be my jaanu ji, i would be very upset and i would not trust me. really.

so i can understand him. i feel like behind a wall. i know the fact, but i cant do and tell it. i felt so bad. and i was not able to sit there. he didnt talked with me anymore.

i felt like getting crazy. same night i booked flight and next day i was at him. because i wanted...i dont know what i wanted but i didnt like that this bad is between us without solution. i didnt tell him, that i was coming. because i knew he would not like it and forbid me to come. he even felt that i might come and told me i should not even think about. thats why also i felt bad. because i thought he anyway already feel so hurt, and now even i do not listen to him and disturb his peace and moments which he needs for himselfs. i am also very egoistic. and i asked to myself why im doing that. but i didnt know any answer. i was not able to think clear.

in evening we met. he was angry but we talked. but we didnt talk about anything about that. after i left him, he made mobile contract and we was on phone 3 days 24 hours. that was very very nice. but then suddenly we got message that this is not unlimited, just 3000 minutes. so rest of month, which means 27 days, we could not phone. so we only called sometimes. 3-4 times a day. after he called the agency and claimed as they lied to him about unlimitied. we got another 3000 min to use carefully.

but after 1.5 months he suddenly talked strange and i felt the way he talk to me sounds very tired and lazy like he do not really enjoy to talk with me. i felt that something will happen. even he didnt call me that much as before.

i talked confused and said on phone than and asked him what happend and i want to be with him soon, because that distance is spoiling our relationship. then he said i should not be so crazy for him and start my own life. that sounded very strange and i got crazy and said i dont want it and what happend. then he talked angry. after few weeks again i asked him something and he told me he will not marry me. i asked him why and what happend. he told me that call and sms from my sisters husband again and again comes intos his mind. and he will never forget it and it really hurted him. he will never feel again that comfortable with me.

again i didnt know what to say. because he believe in that what it looks like. and how could i ever convince him about the truth, that there is nothing about me. that is only my sisters husband spoilt mental mind.

i was not able to explain and discuss and anything. i only said i am good person. he is my onliest love ever. i never had anybody before him. he was my first love in my life. i never watched boys, of course no touch, no hands and anything. untill 2 years ago i even not thought about to marry ever. but since my little sister was married, i started to think about and i felt i also want to marry but i didnt know how to look for husband. because here there is not help. people only suggest to go party and talk to boys. but i would never do so.

i told it once to my jaanu ji. he also believed me.

i was very very sad. and cried only. then in my holidays i again planned to go to him. no. not realy to him. i wanted just move and live in his country in his near. somewhere. staet a new life. becaue i cant tell my father about it now. i will never talk about that. i leave my family believe that still everything is ok. nobody ever see me cry but i cry always. daily. so last time in my holidays i used that 10 days to go there to settle and looking for room and how to get job. i called him also daily. but he was very reserved and didnt talk lot also i have to go bye...that all.

after 3 days, i still didnt find accommodation, also i didnt want to pay for expensive hotels, so i slept only at airport. at least it is safe there. i can wash myself daily. after 3 days...when i called him afternoon, he asked me where i am. i dont know he has 4 eyes or what. I do not feel good to lie him. from first time i found him as my husband. i usually lie often. for nothing. but whenever i talk with him i keep attention what i say becasue i dont like to lie him. because he really is my hero and my best in my life.

but i was not able to tell him, that i already was near to his town. because i knew he would be upset. and i didnt like to tell him at least not before i found room and job.

so i said i am in another town looking for job and room. but i hide that i was in near his town already. but he said it is very good that i am looking for job and room finally.

that mades me very very sad, my stomache cramped and i felt like running myself into the train as i was standing on a railway. because his words really shown that he dont want to go further with me. that was really like a provement.

ah yes...that day or 2 days ago i chatted with him. i used internet wifi at mc donalds. and as he talked very reserved and i still didnt really understand why he stopped with me. because other side he told me again and again that he trust me. then i dont understand what is his reason, if he trust me.

so i had doubt that he only give different excuse to stopp with me. just blame me for things which are not about me and which he even knows, while he hide something.

i asked him what is the reason then. i asked him if he is really healthy, do he have a problem, can he get kids...but that was a mistake. he seems very angry after i asked him that. seems i really offended him. but it was serious question from me. i was not intentionally offending him. but he seem like that i wanted to attack him.

so he replied that he is healthy indeed he will send me pictures of his kids when he will have.

really that was the most bad thing i ever was told. if i was standing that moment i had been fall. that moment i was shocked. i closed my laptop and went. didn know where i went. because i even didnt know where i had been. that country i had only 2 times been with him. i had never been there before also my english is not so good. my listening comprehension is more bad than my written.

ok. that day at railway when i called him...i lost my mind again. i forget everything. i went into the train and went to his town. i wanted to see him. because his words was too hard. i really was like in trance. i didnt really realized. but every people passed me they asked me if everything is alright with me. i was not able to talk cos i was crying but avoid that people could see.

arrived in his town, i went around. i felt very bad. because everything i remembered from last time when i went with him through the streets, talking about future and that we are best team. really. as long we together, we are best team. no argue, no fights, no discussion.

i went into a park. was thinking. what will happen. i knew he will be very very very angry. he will hate me more and more if i willl disturb his peace now. but i cant go back and if something is not clear and bad i need to do something to make a change or a movement into the case. I waited because i knew he is still in bus going home from work.

so i walked and i came closer and closer to his accommodation. only one street. and then i knew he must arrive soon. i was soooo afraid and my heart was beating and i was crying. then i wrote sms that i am in his near. i had different number. bought card in his country. so he wrote back. just a '?' . then i wrote him sms and he called me. he was very angry. he shouted and scold so loud like he wanna kill me.

then he told me to come home. but only because he dont want me to live at airport.

he wanted to talk but i stopped him to talk. i told him his words hurt me if he tell me we cant go further and so on.

so he stopped.

next day we had a fight. because i cried and cried. and he talked so cold. so i went to toilet. because i didnt like to cry infront of him. then he followed me and shouted me to stop it and he regret it that he ever met such mad woman like me. that hurted me more. not the words, but the fact that finally he feel like that for me. i runned and passed him and throw down the drying clothes. i felt that he was very shocked about my fast move. i felt so sad. because i dont like to shock him. i realized his feelings within a part of seconds that i shocked him and hurt him by heart when i passed him so fast.

back into room he shouted me and i wanted to go. but he said before i should drink water. because he dont like that anybody see i am leaving like this HIS room. his neighboor would think bad about him. i can udnerstand.

i took the glas, but my hands realy was shaking because i felt so excited. but he was thinking that i wanna throw that glas to the wall. but i would not do that, even i didnt think about that. but i felt sad because he thought so. not because he thought so about me, but i was sad, that he felt bad and fear about me. i feel so sad about that. i wanted to take him in my arms so he dont need to beafraid of me. because it is not my intention to hurt him. its just that i feel so bad about the change that i do not know what i do.

then it was ok. after 2 days we didnt fight. because he wanted to rest and feel comfortable after long hard working day.

so i cooked for him, iron his clothes, cleaned his room, massaged his feets.

after few days i left him again. because my flight and i was not able to tell him, that i want not go back but looking for room there. because i knew i would again make him upset.

that day i cried alot because i felt so back to leave him again. he was cold. he only told me not to cry else he feel bad. he brought me to railstation.

While i was there with him few days he again daily called me while he was at work, asked me how i am and so on. i dont know why. was he worry about me or just doubt me that i could do something bad. but i felt so good when he called me.

but as soon i arrived my home he again ignored me. so it was just like a vision. he told me on phone then, that he only tried to be nice because he wanted to avoid more stress.

that made me so said again. i live only by hope this time. once i have hope again then again it goes.

then i again told him on phone why why why and he scold me he dont like it i should stop to push him always and that we will have a future together.

after that i felt sooo happy. but anyway he didnt call me. so i felt always to call him. but then i decided only to call him in evening.

it just made me so said by thinking that once we called daily from morning to evening at his work, on his way, in bus. and just he came home he called me on cam because he need to see me.

then i wrote sms to him that at least he can be nice talk to me and not scold me always and ignore me. because he should understand that i am hurt and feel soo bad. i asked him to be considerately because i am at end with my nerves. from that time he started to call me 2-3 times a day. i felt very very happy. even he told me he miss me and loves me and missing giving massage. and while we was talking he mentioned something like after 8 months he we stop his weekendjob finally. because he need his weekends to take rest and then we can go out.

he really made me hope. it really sounds like after 8 month i will be with him.

i think since one month our talk was better. and again my hope rise. he even every night call me before sleep. i didnt felt to call him again and again because he called me. so i didnt need to push him with my calls.

but 2 weeks ago. i told him i have stomache pain.

he doubt and told me to go and check wheather i am pregnant.

i felt so bad. because i felt if pregnant i have to abort and i am so alone here. because i cant talk abot that to my family.

he starts talking angry again. next day i went to doctor. she found out i am pregnant.

but it is sisk. i might loose it. she gave me medicine to avoid abort. because i didnt tell her, that anyway i have to abort. but i wanted to do it intentionally and not loosing it by accident.

i felt too bad and i was not able to tell him. i wanted to wait and waited a good situaiton to tell him and ask him to come over to have his company while i abort. but he doubt a lot and was very excited and worried that i might be pregnant.

then 3 days later i got lot stomache pain. cramp. lot blood. then i went to doctor and she told me tht i lost. because stress. yes i told her that i daily cry alot.

i told him not to be worried i am not pregnant. then he talked not nice to me. he said this time i am going crazy. i said why, i said of course i behave strange because i think i am pregnant and thats not easy for me in such situation.

then he ignored me again for one day.

then we called. it sounds better. he talked nice and as usually. then. suddenly.

3 days he didnt call me. i thought i will die. 2 days ago i called him at work again. he picked up the phone and shouted to me not to disturb him again. no future. he cant marry. he changed his feelings towards me and its over. i said that i cant take it easy. because he is my first onliest and last destination. if now he leave me then i am really a <banned word filter activated>. then he made me that for what he leave me. (i didnt tell him that, but i thought it.)

now 5 days no call. also one time i tried, but he do not take my call.

yes he also told me, that i called him mad that day. that hurt him so much, thats why he changed.

but that cant be the right reason. because that was out beginning and AFTER that we met and he loved me so much and promised to marry me.

and also i think, that sms and call from my sisters husband must be much more bad that calling him mad. but why didnt he mentioned that as a reason. he only said it in half sentence after that. with very little meaning.

so i think that both cant be the real reason. because that sms really was bad, but now he seems not give that much importance as excuse, even not more than calling him mad hurts him.

i told him thats a lie...then he just said, i will not understand what he think and feel.

now i get few doubts. before i came over there and met him first time we said will move to him in june.

but before that he asked me if it is difficult or expensive to find again a room in my town.

that time i was wonderin and doubt and asked him why he ask me such question. i doubt that he intend or think about that once i have to come back here and look for a room again because he dont want me.

why he asked me such question even before we started. that is strange. but other side i cant imagine that he played with me. because it was not easy. i come from other country. there around him are lot of girls. also he spend a lot money for me. really a lot. and i can see in his eyes that he loved me really. that was not a lie. i am sure. he made contract only for me for my country for mobile. and so on.

i always think about what might the reason.

because i have hope to do and find a solution for his reason.

because i still think that he also is confused about his feelings. because last time he called me few times told me after 8 month i will be there with him, last time when i was there he said we can open our restaurant, and on phone last time he said a together future. sometimes even in night and in early morning he called me. just called me and slept. and left the mobile on.

so i think he still might have hope and feelings but he is fighting with something. mixed feelings. maybe really that was too hard. the sms the 'mad'...

and maybe other reason is, as he loves so much his mum. he said she is his everything. and he never want to hurt her. but she will get shock and feeling bad about me. because i not an indian and even not a sikh.

once he told me after few time she will know me and then she will loves me.

i also ready to be real sikh. and i understand her feeling. because she is worry about her onliest son, that he could get hurt by me as i am european. and european girls usually cheating, party, wanna be independing and do not like to devote for her husband and not ready to sacrifice anything for their love and family.

but he knows i am.

i told him. and he know me.

but he told me he is emotionally not strong. and i am sure...that is problem. because he feel for his mummy. and as he is weak he also think for his mum and think that she also will feel bad.

but i am sure...once what he told me, was the reality about his mum and me. because once he was not hurt. and that time he was able to judge the situation as what it is. and that time he knew his mum will get shock but then it will everything ok.

so. many his finally decision is up to a lot of factors. his emotionally weakness, his confusion, his parents, i am not sikh. but not that, that i could leave him one day or not treat him well and care for him. because that he know. i would never leave him and care very much for him. from morning to evening.

yes, sorry my jaanu ji that i will mention it.

i think one thing also is, that he is afraid to get hurt by me. i think he had girlfriend in his past. she hurt him. she drank alcohol, i remember he told me. and she was not ready to live with his parents together.

because. last call we had, he told me, he decided he will never marry someone. he even told his mum.

HMM. sometimes really i dont know he lies very good or he really is very confused.

because last time he wrote me, that it is not time for him to have kids, he first want to settle down.

and now he told me he decided never to marry.

and even he told his mum.

but what would his mum feel and think now. now he indeed shock her or not?

and he told me that he told his mum before few month about me. and that she was not talking. she was quiet and shocked for a long moment on phone.

so what would she think now, if really he told her he would never marry but before he told about european girl.

i also have doubt about what he use to say.

i still have hope. i keep his picture always with me and watch it.

i cant forget it. i get crazy by thinking to forget it.

so i also decide not. if i cant get marry to him, i never wanna marry. because i love him only.

yes. now people will think that it will change after some time.

but i am stubborn.

in my culture in my neighboorhood, in my town, in my country, class, work, environment, the people the girls have boyfriend when being 12 only or even earlier. i even grown up in a ghetto district. but they nevery spoilt me. since i was very little 3nd class 4th class and later, i always said to myself i will not marry and i didnt like boys and think about having boyfriend. in 4th class we made class trip in a schools home country for 1 week. i had never really friends. they all hated me. because my attittude. i didnt talk about that. but people could feel it. the kids. because in my room. that girl was crying around cos she didnt know what to do with her boyfriend. we should have been 10 only. that time i only rolled my eyes. i felt bad to be with such girls in one room.


what i once decided i decided. and i not say that because i feel so. i say it because i decided. i dont want someone else. never. i had baby from my jaanu ji. i heard the heart beating. as long i keep that picture of that ultrasound image with me and his picture i will not look other man. and that will for ever.

i even feel better now. because by that thought i feel peace. as it encourage me that my jaanu ji is my final destination. my everything.

now i soon have to leave here. because my father, his friend and my sisters and brothers ask me always why still i am here, as onced i told them to leave here in june.

oh. its so sad.

now. this feeling is so bad. i dont really where shall i go, and what shall i do.

but i feel good when i think that i will concentrate full on GOD only. before i thought to convert to sikh so we both are sikh and i can go with him always to gurdwara and i can understand and also this would be good for both of us, his parents would be happy and i would be happy and marriage would be good.

so. now i dont want to change.

i feel not good here anymore. anyway i have to leave. i will still go there where he lives. not same area but same country. and i want to make a nursing course now. so i will have nursing knowledge, and after that i want to do only volunteer, seva. i feel not very easy. i think as a man it would be easier. the thing is, i want to go to india after i finish my study. yes i could do volunteer everywhere. but i feel sad and broken heart. one thing is that i need a big change now. i feel like thrown back. i need to make something which is very difficult and hard and different for me. living here or in europe i feel tired and i feel like going mad, really mad. when i walk outside i get panic attack nowadays. memories or whatever from my childhood. but when i see punjabis, because my jaanu ji is punjabi i feel home. i really felt i will be in his family now. and since that time i feel so familar to punjabis and i feel very empty and sad and lonely when they are not around me.

that is my onliest wish. i will do studies here to get that qualify. but then i wanna go to india. doing volunteering. just need accommodation then and food. and i think i will come back here sometimes to earn some money, and also to buy any tools i need, like compression stocking which is useful for fat legs. woman who get vein problem or lymphoedema or lipoedema after pregnancy. then such stocking is very important as therapy. but i know such compression stocking is very expensive. but if my help should be useful, it would be selfish just staying there to satisfy my own heartache. thats not good. yesterday i started thinking about that. but last night i thought that it is a mistake. because so many people in india, they will not need my help. even it would be a help if i stay here, as they need the job for money or accomodation. so at least i wanna bring my own money, not to keep someone away from their chance to earn money to survive.

but that i decided now. because what sense it makes just work come home and cry around.

but still and anyway i cry a lot. and it is very hard for me when i go out and i see couple who are going to supermarket, with kids, talking about making dinner and all. really always i get stomache cramp.

i dont know will i keep so strong, or should i go to mental hospital, before i die. I love him so much. i cant understand myself why still i laugh sometimes, when i see funny videos or listen music.

i miss him so much. and i really cant understand what happend suddenly and again suddenly. as few days ago we talked on phone and he asked me to massage him in my holidays. he said he want me to invite next month. and then he said to massage him and by the way he ask me to massage him next year too. only within last week he said so. and 5 days ago we talked nd phoned in evening and suddenly he stopped. and scold me.

my heart is burning. what happend there. does he found someone else just like that?

i dont want to think and believe that. thats impossible. but maybe i am just <banned word filter activated>. because why else he suddenly stopp?

but then why he blame me for all this things. i am 100000% sure. no girl (ok maybe indian girl only, but in europe???) will better to him than me. and if he is so easy to hurt? and have so many expectation?

i can handle with that. i dont need to call him mad again. because that only i done at first, and after i never again done so. because i knew him more than before and i know tht it hurts him so much. also i know that was not nice from me. and else he is very jealious stubborn and possessive guy. i think he is not easy. but i can handle with him. i really felt best team with him. i felt i was born only for him. thats why i will not look for someone else.

i wish he said true, when he said he will never marry someone. but that must be lie, because else why he dont want to contact with me. if he will not marry and not marry me than why not see me as his friend at least. but notz he treat me like his enemy. when i ask about his health and i am worried about him he scold me that he is not a baby. but dont he at least give me the chance and good feeling to worry for him?

if he will not marry and not marry me, why i cant be his friend then forever. anyway i will not marry forever anyway. but i could live in his neighboorhood and doing selfless service for him. daily bringing him food, and buy the things what he need, like new pillow, houseshoes and so on? and when his parents come i could care for them and for his mummy as she is not very healthy. i even would go with her to india, as her personally servant.

i would be happy to live there. i dont need his physically near. i love him, i only want to be his servant and if he dont like my help i could help his parents as long they live in india and he is living here.

but thts only a wish. only a dream.

i will be GOD servant only then, and doing volunteer. but at least as my onliest with i will do it in india then. to feel familar while i am alive.


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Not another Romeo and Juliet I had enough of this in English lessons.

I'm sorry you should have just pointed key points out on the problems your facing.

Read Gurbani do naam simran help to clean your soul.

Love is just an illusion!!

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Can someone bullet point it?

It is just a relationship thing? Anything about lost child? baby being child? or bf?

if its bf scenario.. sorry pehnji, only thing you can do is die. its the only way.

forget the millions of promises you made to Waheguru before you were granted this chance at life. forget the 84million joon we can expect if we don't make this life work. forget that 80% of the world's population have no food, shelter. forget that millions will sleep tonight hungry... forget that millions are diseased, disabled and would do anything for the opportunities we have. but that's noting! your bf is the greatest thing in the world...

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Not another Romeo and Juliet I had enough of this in English lessons.

I'm sorry you should have just pointed key points out on the problems your facing.

Read Gurbani do naam simran help to clean your soul.

Love is just an illusion!!

lol, english lessons!

umm, whatever your problem is Simrankaur5, do 13 mool mantar paht and go do a humble prayer to guuru ji at gurdwara.

Clearly no one is able to assist you here, as we're all confused in what you want. So go and ask the one person in the whole world who understands you better then your self which is guruji. Get guidance there.

hopefully whatever the situation is, you'll move forward.

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Let me summarise it...

She is in a relationship, with her boyfriend. She refers to him as her 'baby'

She has said or done something to upset him and now he won't talk to her.

She went to her sister for help on this issues and this 'baby' didn't like that. She said it was just everyday talk

nothing to do with the guy in question. He felt neglected lol

when she spoke to her sister. He doesn't like her sister

what a superise.

They met in March happiest day of her life apparently.

she gave her mobile to him the next day, he is possesive he wants to control her (urm why she going out with him?)

Turn away everyone the 'baby' got angry because her brother in law called on her mobile and he was drunk and shouted why are they always talkingto you? You not talking to me?

:o her sisters husband loves her

I believe this girl is an illegal immigrant or her sister is.

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She told her boyfriend that she might be pregnant it was a lie he got worried which makes me believe that she is not a virgin anymore.

I'm not summarizing no more waste of time grow up girl!!! Get your head out of the sand! And stop fantasising about Romeo And Juliet lifestyle!

There are bigger problems our community are facing like IMPORTANT issues of Beadbi of Guru Granth Sahib Ji.

Wake up!

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To be honest I stopped reading at a certain point, it was just too much, the gist I got was your a young kid obsessed with a man that wants nothing to do with you. Seems like you are stalking him.

Spending 3 days in a airport just so you could be in the same town as him?

Spending 3 days constantly on the phone to him?

Constantly harassing him to talk to you when he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you? To the point of flying out to see him

Regarding your brother in law again I think the problem is with you, you've gone and listed all the things you have done that you feel makes your brother in law prefer you over your sister, because you travel around are confident, keep your room tidy, and have loads of independence.

You have obviously had intimate relations with this 'baby' because you both thought you might be pregnant.

My only advice to you is get a grip...have some self respect...stop wasting your time and money chasing this man. Leave your sister to get on with her marriage....how can you solve there problems when you are creating so many in your own life with your actions!

I would also say if you want your life to come back on track as mahraaj for forgiveness and jap naam. If you came here to ask how you can get your " baby" back then I think you came to the wrong place.

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