At Crossroads

[Guest Confused Guy]

I could really do with some advice please, I normally read a majority of the posts in this section & have found a majority of responses to help deal with issues in my own personal life.

I am a 27 year old guy who is approaching that age where my parents are looking for me to settle down, I have known & been introduced to a few girls but I have always felt that there was something missing. Now my parents are started to put significant pressure on me to get married, I have a good job & have my own house, so in their eyes there’s nothing to stop me from settling down.

I have known a girl for a few years who has become my best friend; she is 2 years older than me but Sikh as well. We have always just kept our relationship as friends, which always what I wanted. She is divorced & has children, the marriage broke down as her ex-husband was violent towards her, she was married young at the age of 16. We talk every day, have never fallen out and have a real connection. Deep down I do have feelings for her, but I have kept these hidden from her.

Her family want her to settle down and she has felt she wants to get married again, but she hasn’t met someone she feels comfortable with. Recently she told me that she wanted to marry me, I know it sounds a bit forward from a girl, I took me even by surprise. I don’t know why I did this but I just laughed it off, took it as a compliment & swiftly changed the topic – it sounds daft I know.

She is everything I want in a girl, caring, beautiful and as I said before we can talk every day, without getting bored of each other’s company. I have always kept my feeling for her within me as I suppose I’m a bit scared of taking on the responsibility of someone else’s child, as I don’t want to be treating my own future children any differently, which I thought could not be helped. But now I have come to realise that all these other girls I was being introduced to, I have turned down because I was looking for her characteristics & traits. I now firmly believe that she is the one for me, I am able to look after her & live a happy life.

The problem I have is my family have very traditional views, I have never been in a position where I have felt my family’s views have prevented me from doing anything in life, but I don’t know what to do now. But I don’t think my parents would ever accept her, due to her being divorced & having children of her own. I have not spoken to them about this yet, I don’t know how to approach this.

Any ideas would be much appreciated

[VanHelsingh]

Without wishing to sound cynical I would say tread carefully. Put aside the sympathy regarding the woman and her troubled past and decide what is best for you. I have known guys in very similar situations to yourself, i.e. a divorced woman with a troubled past "locking on" to a clearly good, caring, successful guy as a means to resettling their lives. Whilst this itself isn't a problem - because everyone deserves a chance of happiness - it would be interesting to observe if her understanding and caring attitude remains once she feels she has "reeled" you in.

I would also say the children are a huge factor in this particular situation, more so than the mother in certain respects.

I will end by saying you should abandon the saviour complex. She doesn't need you to save her. She won't die of a broken heart if you decide not to marry her and take on - frankly - such a monumental responsibility. I apologise if I am coming across as harsh but these are questions you really need to ask yourself no matter how uncomfortable they make you feel. I'm sugar-coating my words as I can feel you're a genuine guy with a good heart. I can assume your parents will not be so understanding.

So take it easy, try to take "love" out of the situation and think practically. Any potential marriage will not be like a normal marriage from day one. The pressure and duty to perform certain roles from the outset will be immense but I'm sure you already know that.

Good luck.

[Gupt1984]

I would advise that you talk this issues out with her, I'm sure she has a lot of concerns too. Its never easy for a divorced woman to remarry despite the thoughts that they wish to reel people in for there own means. Yes this may have been the case in some situations but every case is different.

Talk to her about your concerns about how you could make a marriage succeed, future kids, family acceptance. I was divorced and re-married but luckily my past was not judged by my Inlaws or my husband and they took me for who I am as a person rather then as a "divorcee".

No parents wants there child to marry anyone who has so called baggage but once you have spoken to this girl then speak to your parents about how what and why you want to marry this girl. If you are harbouring feelings for this girl and then married someone else because it was the accepting thing to do...would that be fair? Would that marriage succeed. It may do so, then again it may not. No wife wants to know that there husband secretly yearns after someone else.

Hope you come to the right decision, ask mahraaj to guide you to make the right one.

Bhul chuk maaf.

[Guest Guest]

I feel that COMPATIBILITY is the most important aspect in a relationship.

Therefore a divorcee should marry a divorcee, a widow should marry a widower, first timer should marry a first timer.

Reason, a divorcee or single parent can TRULY understand a person in similar position, nobody else.

Being at the same level, they can deal with each other in an amicable manner.

Gupt 84,

I'm a divorcee and I married a first timer and we are perfectly happy and have been for 15 years. According to you that's not compatiable.

Good for you but in majority cases, marriage between divorcee with issues (kids) & first timer don't work.

Thing is, a woman gets divorced or becomes a widow due to Her Own past Bad Karma.

So is it wise to establish a relationship with someone who has Maarhi Kismat or Bad Luck ?

Honestly i fail to understand that why would a person opt for second hand goods if the market is full of first hand ?

[Guest cing]

If you feel in your heart that its right and is the hukam then go with it.

A divorced woman is no less than a woman who has never been married, if anything many are stronger and incredibly more amazing for having the sense to divorce a spouse who may have treated them badly etc- hence there are even more positive reasons to marry a woman like this than a woman who has never been married.

Screw the views of the elders, they are caught in a dark web of false culture, traditions and rituals.

Why seek the approval and advice of a bunch of deluded fools, it's like the blind leading the blind in indian culture.

We are not traditional hindu women who throw themselves in fire over their husbands, nor do we need to take our husbands rubbish.

Your female friend sounds as if she has seen alot of dukhi in her life, and if you ever have the honour of marrying her, treat her like royalty, a violent husband is not pleasant(take it from one whos father beat their mother badly back in the day).

[Guest crossroads]

p.s, loving children who are not biologically your own is a great trait.

If you're children were related to you by blood, they are still not your own, they are gods, and they are god- they are as much a relation to you as the homeless chinese man sitting next to a dumpster in china, the bad murderer, or the nice lady serving soup in the soup kitchen.

We are all one, and when the barriers of seperatedness come down and we are able to love our neighbours(i.e those not related to us) as much as we love our own blood relatives, a great step has been taken.

[Guest Guest]

If you feel in your heart that its right and is the hukam then go with it.

A divorced woman is no less than a woman who has never been married, if anything many are stronger and incredibly more amazing for having the sense to divorce a spouse who may have treated them badly etc- hence there are even more positive reasons to marry a woman like this than a woman who has never been married.

Screw the views of the elders, they are caught in a dark web of false culture, traditions and rituals.

Why seek the approval and advice of a bunch of deluded fools, it's like the blind leading the blind in indian culture.

We are not traditional hindu women who throw themselves in fire over their husbands, nor do we need to take our husbands rubbish.

Your female friend sounds as if she has seen alot of dukhi in her life, and if you ever have the honour of marrying her, treat her like royalty, a violent husband is not pleasant(take it from one whos father beat their mother badly back in the day).

With such thinking and attitude,can women secure husbands ?

No wonder why parents prefer a daughter-in-law from punjab.

Above reply is a good Recipe for DISASTER .

[Guest cing]

^^

The answer is yes, they can secure husbands who are not sheep, husbands who are free of the shakles that false culture has tied down the majority of the sikh population with.

Sikhi has nothing to do with culture and once people wake up and realise this, replies with a false appeal such as yours will have no leg to stand on.

[Guest Guest]

I think people who divorce and remarry are like muslims.

Coz only Islam allows divorce, remarriage and multiple wives.

[DustOfTheSaintsFeet]

^^ :stupidme:

Ahh, how culture still defines us fools....