Can't Live With In-Law Grandmother!

[Kaur1984r]

Everyone is crawling on earth because they did something which was bad. Its upto you to call them good or bad. Noone is here because of their good deeds. Everyone has liberty of speech and so do I. Is there any human who is 100 % sure they have not raped / killed someone in their previous life or the life before ? Then why judge someone when you are not being judged and given another chance by waheguru. The law of land decides if the act is good or bad and accordingly we label a person as good or bad and give them judicial punishment. My answer was based on my religious views and they need not to be similar to yours. You have liberty of speech so you can say or do whatever you want to. I am not forcing anyone to agree with me. It is anyways hard to see good in someone who is labeled bad.

[simran345]

Everyone is crawling on earth because they did something which was bad. Its upto you to call them good or bad. Noone is here because of their good deeds .

Kaur1984r ji this is like you are saying all are here for their bad karm only. If this was the case then all would be the same, eg: same education level, same financial status, same health status, same spiritual status. But according to one's good past karm they also receive the fruits.

ਜੇਵੇਹੇ ਕਰਮ ਕਮਾਵਦਾ ਤੇਵੇਹੇ ਫਲਤੇ ॥: Jevehe karma kamaavadaa tevehe phalate: One obtains fruits according to the deeds which he does (sggs 317).

ਦੁਖੁ ਸੁਖੁ ਦੀਆ ਜੇਹਾ ਕੀਆ ਸੋ ਨਿਬਹੈ ਜੀਅ ਨਾਲੇ ॥: Dukh sukh deeaa jehaa keeaa so nibahai jeea naale: God bestows pain and pleasure, according to the deeds done; the record of these actions stays with the Soul (sggs 581).

Bad karm can be reduced or erased by simran and good deeds, but only with Wahegurus Grace.

ਨਾਨਕ ਪੂਰ ਕਰੰਮ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਚਰਣੀ ਲਗਿਆ ॥੨॥

Nānak pūr karamm saṯgur cẖarṇī lagi▫ā. ||2||

O Nanak, by perfect good karma, one is attached to the feet of the True Guru. ||2||

The Gurbani states that all are under the purview of the Hukam. That also includes Karma.

ਹੁਕਮੈ ਅੰਦਰਿ ਸਭੁ ਕੋ ਬਾਹਰਿ ਹੁਕਮ ਨ ਕੋਇ ॥: Hukamai andari sabhu ko baahari hukam na koi: Everyone is subject to Hukam; no one is beyond (exempt or outside of) Hukam. (sggs 1).

ਹੁਕਮੇ ਕਰਮ ਕਮਾਵਣੇ ਪਇਐ ਕਿਰਤਿ ਫਿਰਾਉ ॥: Hukme karam kamaavane paiai kirati phiaaou (sggs 66).

But, we humans alos have responsibility. That is, to listen to our Inner Voice (ਅੰਤਰ ਆਤਮਾ ਦੀ ਅਵਾਜ, the Voice of the Haakam or His Hukam...), to follow our Bibek-Budhi (discerning or discriminating intellect), be established in our Mool within (Source, Origin, Jot...) which is all ਸਚ (Truth, Pure Consciousness...), to earnestly engage in Shabad-Vichaar to attain Divine Knowledge (Aatam-Giaan...), and so on.

[Kaur1984r]

Thank you for correcting me simran.

[proactive]

The thing to understand is that wherever there are a group of human beings living or working in close proximity there will always be some personality clashes. Rather than a lot of relevant information, you have just written what can best be described as a rant.

Firstly, it appears than you family members are traditional in the sense that they care for their elders which is commendable in this day and age. Quite a lot of the elders are now being placed in old peoples homes or just left to live on their own. Where these elders are still respected and live as part of the extended family, they may also wish to retain the power and influence that they had when they were the head of the household. This also causes problems. Although many elders are sensible and realise that their children aren't kids any more and allow them more and more responsibility within the family.

You have been given some very good advice here especially the one about checking the health of your husband's grandmother as well as remaining respectful yet keeping space between her and you. This is probably the best thing you can do. If your parents in law are being caused problems by the grandmother then really in the set up you live in it is their responsibility to correct the situation. If you say anything this will be seen as undue interference. Let they make these mistakes and then let them realise on their own accord. The health check up is a good idea as it may show up problems that could be causing her to behave in such a way. If she is lending money to people then it depends who she is lending to and whether they have returned the money previously. Some people unfortunately can't say no when they get a request for a loan from relatives especially as a refusal in the olden days would have been taken as an insult. One thing to check through you husband is whether she keeps a note of these loans as this would be evidence of whether she understands that the loan is to be paid back or whether she is being taken advantage of.

[Quantavius]

its just so hard to live with my husbanfs grandmother. she is only here for her benefit and wants to use us. always causing fights trying to cause turmoil. i wished she would just leave. but she rather stay here forcibly and cause drama. is worse becuz ppl think she is godly just wait till you live with her its all about the money. i dont trust her and i bite my tongue i dont like her influence on my kids either. why doesnt she die

One day you're gonna be a grandmother too and your children are learning from your behavior.

[Guest gupt777]

thank you for advice on her health and to be kind. i tried i really did to make it work, i dont like the idea or concept in living in a family that is not taking care of eachother. it is very difficult for me to deal with her i have 2 small children no help. inlaws are in india so it is just her living with us. its the little things that add up. she talks bad about my pare ts to my face saying they dont care for you. she is greedy for their money. she is in debt. that is causing her alot of issues but we ourselves are starting out. we have no base. my parents have always stepped in when we needed help. i feel sorry for grandma but i cant help her in my position.