Family troubles

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I am 18 year old female and here's my I guess life story. 

Ive never met my dad who I've been told by uncles took drugs (heroin, glue) and was was a heavy drinker. And by my mom that he was abusive to her physically and emotionally as well as her in laws (his family). She told me when he found out she was pregnant with me after a while he got angry and punched her in the stomach but she quickly moved to the side so he hit her side stomach and that he tried to push her down the stairs and once he poisoned her tea and she was left on the sofa for days until her mom came over, found her unwell and took her to hospital later. I don't know if any of these things have been exaggerated or are true but they seem too detailed to lie about. I’ve missed out so much not having a dad and use to think he was working abroad and would come in the summer holdidays to visit me like my mom would say until I was about 12. I missed out on having other siblings to play with growing up, going on family holidays not just with my mom which was so lonely as I had no one to do activities like going on rides with my own age group. Growing up my mom was very protective of me and wouldn’t let me go over to any of my friends houses and only once let me have a two friends over from school who’s family she knew once when I was 9. Because of this I’ve always been lonely throughout my entire life because I’ve had no one to talk to or spend time with other than my nanny at home when my mom was busy at work. My mom is very strict and doesn’t care that I’m sad and lonely and either quickly dismisses what I say or tells me she’ll wish she had cancer and die so I’d stop telling her I’m lonely. I’m certain she was a bipolar personality disorder because she quickly changes her moods and lashes out on me if she’s frustrated at someone, for example she recently broke up with her bf who owned a pub and drank and smoked and she takes all her anger out on me through belittling me about school, how I’m a “dumb kid”, how “God shouldn’t give children if their going to be dumb and useless”, “your going to have depression all your life and going to overdose on depression pills when your older”. She told me when I was 13 that she wished to God she got cancer and died so id have no one to help me throughout uni, get me married off ect. She also told me many times when she was dropping me off to school in secondary school (aged 11-17) that she was going to crash the car and kill herself because she had enough of a dumb child in her life. By dumb she means academically despite that I gained all A* grades in GCSEs including triple science. She frequently physically abused me as a child for example she smacked me with her rubber shoes behind my thighs repeatedly when I was only 5 when I accidentally spilt sugar on the carpet or when I was 5 again and I wet myself in her friends living room because she wouldn’t take me to the toilet, so she grabbed me hard by the ear till it bled because she purposely dug her finger nails into it and took me back to the car and smacked me hard on the cheeks when we got home whilst screaming abuse to me in the car while I cried hysterically. She use to pinch my thighs secretly if we were in public and she didn’t want me to continue talking or doing something she didn’t want. She never let me play with children for example at someone’s house or at the gurdwara and is always had to sit next to her. She is very controlling over me, for example she grabs my phone whilst I’m using it to see who I’m texting and what I’m doing on my phone and if she sees any friends (girls, no boys-not allowed to talk to boys- been to all girls schools) she lashed out at me saying I’m hiding secrets behind her. She insists on knowing everything about my friends such as addresses, family occupations ect. Because of my lack of social interaction and isolation at home during childhood I find it very difficult to make friends and keep them so I don’t really have too many, which is great for my family so they can keep more control over me. My mom doesn’t respect my privacy at all she doesn’t knock before she comes into my room neither does my nan and sometimes ill be getting changed and it feels very humiliating especially when she says something inappropriate like your “boobs are too big I’m gonna push them back in” and she starts to dig her fingers into them hard and pinches them on the sides when I’m sitting down next to her on he sofa because she thinks it’s funny that it hurts me. And if I cry she pushes me to the floor and says “oh <banned word filter activated> off (my name) you little <banned word filter activated>, you always <banned word filter activated> trying to piss me off”. I haven’t got many family members to protect me or talk to for example my nan is scared of my mom because she treats her like how she treats me and shouts at her and swears at her for menial things. My uncle who I also live with use to be a violent alcoholic and use to abuse his wife from India physically, I saw him break her thumb and her wrist so she had to get a cast on her hand. And still had to go work at the factory because he didn’t work just drank all night listening to loud music and keeping us all up at night when I had school the next day, he once tried to pour hot oil on my mom in front of me and she called the police, another time he got a knife and threatened to kill his wife and my mom. He went to rehab 5 times (costing £5000 each time, my mom paid) to get him off alcohol. Then my other uncle who also lived with us died recently and that affected me. My family had many politics with other such relatives so I can’t talk to them. I don’t know what to do, no one will help me and if I tell anyone what’s happened to me then social services or whatever will get involved and I do not want that, it’ll cause more problems. Is there any advice gone could give me that”ll be great, I want to do this anonymously so no one knows my past. I’m going to uni in September to study medicine, but I want to live in the accommodation so I do not have to live with my family it my mom doesn’t want to allow this, how do I do this myself?

last year I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on strong painkillers left by my deceased uncles room, I became unconscious and taken to hospital where my mom told me I shouldve taken more so she could get an offer for the funeral. That is the kind of person she is. She never got me any medical help after the suicide attempt and left the painkillers exactly where they were in the house when I came back home. Note, I don't want to attempt suicide again, because I'm looking forward to a bright future with a loving husband, children, professional wealthy career, and I can use his loving family to replace my own abusive one. But if this doesn't happen I will probably end my life but I will give it a chance to happen first . 

thanks for replying to this in advance if you think you can help.

Im coming here because I dont know anywhere else I can go anonymously.

If anyone could answer this question as well- why would God allow this to happen to me if he truly cared about me? Why wouldn’t he give me someone to take care of me and talk to about my problems at least? 

[Guest GuestSingh]

Sister, your childhood experiences have been traumatic, harsh and undeserved. Truth is this behaviour is typical within a lot of families in our community - saw it myself growing up but don't feel like you're being punished for no reason..your mom does love you..but you can't see it right now because she sounds very frustrated in life as you say..and perhaps unloved..she probably suffered the same/similar which she hasn't been able to talk about, accept or overcome, making her more angry and resentful. Sometimes we get angry with those closest to us..as a young girl, you're an easy target - perhaps her only target..but this isn't your fault. Sad you have no father figure, siblings or close relatives you feel to have around to help you but don't feel like you're alone..there are people who can better advise you. Have you contacted Sikh Helpline?  It's anonymous and lines are open 24/7 - 0845 644 0704 / 07999 00 4363. https://www.sikhhelpline.com/

There are also Sikhi/Kaur camps running at the moment..contact your local Gurdwara. Also, there are many Sikh societies at universities now.

What's good and positive here is that you have a dream - focus on that and your education but more importantly, your Sikhi, to give your life some purpose and sanity without losing hope and becoming weak with whatever life brings to you..

Living away from home while studying at university is a good idea..the time and space away from home may make your mom mellow out and think about her relationship with you, how she's treated you etc..and that could bring you both closer together..

As for why you've been given this life..only Akal Purakh knows but Gurbani does say we have karmic debt to repay based on our past deeds/actions in previous lives. We should all try (inc. myself) to accept this even though it's extremely difficult so we can try to change our destiny and leave the world a better place than how we entered it. Maybe you've been given these tests for tougher challenges later in life? Either way, you'll become a stronger person and better able to cope with life..

Don't know whether my post helps but felt compelled to write something after reading your post..

[harsharan000]

Dear sister,

so sorry to learn about your such a terrible and painful life, but at the same time, I admire your courage and strength, and above all positive attitude, while going through that hell of life.

Though it is easily said to someone trust God, for one has to really be someone´s shoes to test oneself how would one react in those times of weaknesses...

But that much I can say, He, Wahiguru can never be blamed for anything, no matter how much it seems so, for He is not like a Alladino´s genie, who comes if we rub a type of lamp .... He is faithful to the laws of nature made by Him, He can not transgress them by interference. For the creation works on action-reaction, according to the seeds sown so are the fruits which we collect, the only thing is, as we have been in the creation since times immemorial, we do not remember the stock of karmas we have been gathering, since we stepped into this mayavee creation.

For example, just look at Fifth Patshahee, how He the embodiment of goodness, was inflicted with the most of cruelty, and though He was all powerful, He did nothing to make use of it, and to benefit Himself. If we wished, with only one thought He could have burned them, or anything, but yet He remained calm..

Of course we can never ever comapre ourselves in any way to them, or their avastha, but definetely, we can pay attention and learn a lot, from their humility and mercy.

Please never ever think of suicide, for this human life is bestowed on us by His apaar grace, to free ourselves from this karmic mayavee creation.

You see, He knows right before we are even born, what we all have to go through, but as said, it is by His infinte love and grace, He gives us this human form, to end all our karmas for once and ever, by doing even a kachee bhakti of His, so Dayalu is our Wahiguru Akal Purukh.

For karmas can not be changed when once born, but definetely all the store  kamas we have still, they can be washed off with the water of Bhakti and the soap of His Nam.

So sister, inspite you have been surrounded by immature and  heartless people,  I can assure you, I believe and trust in you, for being so patient.

I do not know what destiny holds for you,  but I sincerely send you my blessings, and do ardaas at His Lotus Feet, to attach your mind to Himself through His bhakti, and give you inner strength, to face cheerfuly this your present life.

God bless you.

Sat Sree Akal

 

 

[Big_Tera]

On 8/6/2018 at 1:42 PM, Guest Guest said:

Hi, I am 18 year old female and here's my I guess life story. 

Ive never met my dad who I've been told by uncles took drugs (heroin, glue) and was was a heavy drinker. And by my mom that he was abusive to her physically and emotionally as well as her in laws (his family). She told me when he found out she was pregnant with me after a while he got angry and punched her in the stomach but she quickly moved to the side so he hit her side stomach and that he tried to push her down the stairs and once he poisoned her tea and she was left on the sofa for days until her mom came over, found her unwell and took her to hospital later. I don't know if any of these things have been exaggerated or are true but they seem too detailed to lie about. I’ve missed out so much not having a dad and use to think he was working abroad and would come in the summer holdidays to visit me like my mom would say until I was about 12. I missed out on having other siblings to play with growing up, going on family holidays not just with my mom which was so lonely as I had no one to do activities like going on rides with my own age group. Growing up my mom was very protective of me and wouldn’t let me go over to any of my friends houses and only once let me have a two friends over from school who’s family she knew once when I was 9. Because of this I’ve always been lonely throughout my entire life because I’ve had no one to talk to or spend time with other than my nanny at home when my mom was busy at work. My mom is very strict and doesn’t care that I’m sad and lonely and either quickly dismisses what I say or tells me she’ll wish she had cancer and die so I’d stop telling her I’m lonely. I’m certain she was a bipolar personality disorder because she quickly changes her moods and lashes out on me if she’s frustrated at someone, for example she recently broke up with her bf who owned a pub and drank and smoked and she takes all her anger out on me through belittling me about school, how I’m a “dumb kid”, how “God shouldn’t give children if their going to be dumb and useless”, “your going to have depression all your life and going to overdose on depression pills when your older”. She told me when I was 13 that she wished to God she got cancer and died so id have no one to help me throughout uni, get me married off ect. She also told me many times when she was dropping me off to school in secondary school (aged 11-17) that she was going to crash the car and kill herself because she had enough of a dumb child in her life. By dumb she means academically despite that I gained all A* grades in GCSEs including triple science. She frequently physically abused me as a child for example she smacked me with her rubber shoes behind my thighs repeatedly when I was only 5 when I accidentally spilt sugar on the carpet or when I was 5 again and I wet myself in her friends living room because she wouldn’t take me to the toilet, so she grabbed me hard by the ear till it bled because she purposely dug her finger nails into it and took me back to the car and smacked me hard on the cheeks when we got home whilst screaming abuse to me in the car while I cried hysterically. She use to pinch my thighs secretly if we were in public and she didn’t want me to continue talking or doing something she didn’t want. She never let me play with children for example at someone’s house or at the gurdwara and is always had to sit next to her. She is very controlling over me, for example she grabs my phone whilst I’m using it to see who I’m texting and what I’m doing on my phone and if she sees any friends (girls, no boys-not allowed to talk to boys- been to all girls schools) she lashed out at me saying I’m hiding secrets behind her. She insists on knowing everything about my friends such as addresses, family occupations ect. Because of my lack of social interaction and isolation at home during childhood I find it very difficult to make friends and keep them so I don’t really have too many, which is great for my family so they can keep more control over me. My mom doesn’t respect my privacy at all she doesn’t knock before she comes into my room neither does my nan and sometimes ill be getting changed and it feels very humiliating especially when she says something inappropriate like your “boobs are too big I’m gonna push them back in” and she starts to dig her fingers into them hard and pinches them on the sides when I’m sitting down next to her on he sofa because she thinks it’s funny that it hurts me. And if I cry she pushes me to the floor and says “oh <banned word filter activated> off (my name) you little <banned word filter activated>, you always <banned word filter activated> trying to piss me off”. I haven’t got many family members to protect me or talk to for example my nan is scared of my mom because she treats her like how she treats me and shouts at her and swears at her for menial things. My uncle who I also live with use to be a violent alcoholic and use to abuse his wife from India physically, I saw him break her thumb and her wrist so she had to get a cast on her hand. And still had to go work at the factory because he didn’t work just drank all night listening to loud music and keeping us all up at night when I had school the next day, he once tried to pour hot oil on my mom in front of me and she called the police, another time he got a knife and threatened to kill his wife and my mom. He went to rehab 5 times (costing £5000 each time, my mom paid) to get him off alcohol. Then my other uncle who also lived with us died recently and that affected me. My family had many politics with other such relatives so I can’t talk to them. I don’t know what to do, no one will help me and if I tell anyone what’s happened to me then social services or whatever will get involved and I do not want that, it’ll cause more problems. Is there any advice gone could give me that”ll be great, I want to do this anonymously so no one knows my past. I’m going to uni in September to study medicine, but I want to live in the accommodation so I do not have to live with my family it my mom doesn’t want to allow this, how do I do this myself?

last year I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on strong painkillers left by my deceased uncles room, I became unconscious and taken to hospital where my mom told me I shouldve taken more so she could get an offer for the funeral. That is the kind of person she is. She never got me any medical help after the suicide attempt and left the painkillers exactly where they were in the house when I came back home. Note, I don't want to attempt suicide again, because I'm looking forward to a bright future with a loving husband, children, professional wealthy career, and I can use his loving family to replace my own abusive one. But if this doesn't happen I will probably end my life but I will give it a chance to happen first . 

thanks for replying to this in advance if you think you can help.

Im coming here because I dont know anywhere else I can go anonymously.

If anyone could answer this question as well- why would God allow this to happen to me if he truly cared about me? Why wouldn’t he give me someone to take care of me and talk to about my problems at least? 

I wish I could give you a big hug. You have been through alot and need time to heal the emotional and psychological scars from your family issues. I think it could be a good idea to seek some therapy or support to help you move on and deal with your past and presant  circumstances. I know people that offer free support and therapy. So if you are interested and would like to know more. please message me for the details

[Guest Chand]

 Dearest Sister, my heart go out to you. I wish I could hug you. Nobody deserves this sort of treatment. 

In addition, at 18 we are between childhood and being an adult. So it is not easy go through a childhood and those events on your own. But I agree with previous answers, you do need to do something for yourself and reach out to adult kind people who can give you help. In the situation you are you need to be careful as the world is very cruel and many take advantage of those who are the weakest. But you should know this - you are protected. Waheguru is everywhere and around us, in us and everywhere. His Shaheeds are around you and protecting you. I can feel your warmness, kindness and gentleness through everything you write. Please do as agreed above, if you reach out you will be helped. Have blind faith in that. You will see!!!! A wonderful book which has given me much comfort is this: https://www.vidhia.com/Bhai Veer Singh Ji/Satwant Kaur_English-Bhai Vir Singh.pdf

You should read about the blind faith of Satwant Kaur, and you will notice you are just like her. Just copy her personality and wonderful things - all the things you dream of will come to you. I send you all my love. I wish I could give you a hug, and protect you from any bad things in life. 

[Guest Counselling asap]

You need to see a counseller ASAP. And call the sikh helpline above today. If you're in the UK make an appointment with an IAPT service, they're free. 

You're not alone, there are people and organizations who can help you get to where you need to be. 

And remember that you are loved. I love you and God loves you and alot of good people are out there who could love you. Make an account on here if possible and talk to people. 

But call the helplines above today and see a counseller ASAP. 

God Bless

 

*Mods if you could refer her to any organisations that would be good 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jakare]

 

[Guest icsm]

Please avoid formal counselling or going to any civil service/public body/nhs as they can do things without your consent and take matters into their own hands which you do not want. They can mislabel breaking of confidentiality to other parties as acting in your 'best interests' so be very careful of this trick and don't trust any agency. Never give out any personal details or any identifying information if you are speaking to an organisation.  Ideally you need to find someone you can trust and talk to rather than a random stranger. If you have good sangat at your local gurdwara that could be good source of support. 

Hopefully you can stay on campus, even if you live a commutable distance, just tell your mum that the demands of med school are high and that for you to succeed you need to be living on campus so that you can be close to the library and other facilities, e.g. labs, IT systems, and uni can involve a lot of PBL/group work out of hours which you can use as another excuse to get away from home. Also you should tell her that everyone else in your year is living on campus(virtually everyone does).

At uni there is support too like societies and support services.If going down that route test out the waters 1st by either generalising or making something up without disclosing the full extent of your home life e.g  like "what can be done if my family life is disruptive at the moment". Its all about finding out your options without giving away your hand so that you are in control and not a third party. 

Finally avoid the psychiatrists or nhs, the only things they will do is get a social worker/agencies  involved or drug you up against your will these are their only 2 options. Ironically common psych drugs actually cause suicidal ideation. I know it will be hard but try to make some close friends at uni that you can open up to and going to the sikh soc could be a nice starting point.

If you could tell me which uni or city you are starting I can maybe give you some specific advice. Sorry if can't be of more help at present.

Please do simran and paath if you don't already and know that whatever you are going through is temporary.