The least gurusikh with the strongest faith

[Guest AnonSikh]

Hi sangat jio,

 

First of all lemme start off with a jaikara, " Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh"

I am posting as an anonymous user because it took a lot of courage to write this down considering the things I go through.

I am a Singh (I call myself that because, despite all my evil actions, I feel helpless but i still feel that the guru i believe in, believes in me), I have severe, bipolar disorder II and severe social anxieties. Ive tried all the so called medicines which didn't help, and due to which i have been a heroin addict ( i blame myself for the wrong choices and I take responsibility for em but i still think ready availability in Punjab might have played a little bit of role). I have been clean for over 3 years now after i lost my best friend to overdose. I still take marijuana edibles at times to ease my brain from the enormous headaches, rapid thoughts and crippling ( yes, I mean CRIPPLING ) anxiety that comes with my disabilities. but since it is illegal, I tend to go towards alcohol more because of its legal status. Now, any of you who are aware of the bipolar disorders know that i only have two constantly changing states, Manic and Depressive. I've accepted this disability as a gift of god and tried to get the best out of it. I'm not on any prescribed medication, but i do use marijuana and alcohol, and ill explain how i use it and i hate the fact that i do. In my manic state I'm aware that i can achieve more than I'm capable of, so i just focus, and try to achieve and consume as much information as possible. no matter if its about string theory, historical religious studies or humanities. I just consume. during that time, I use marijuana ( i hate smoking but where i live, edibles aren't really a regular option.) So i use plain marijuana in a vaporizer or a pipe. I dont use tobacco because i hate that substance. Only reason i use marijuana is to calm my nerves in my manic state and focus on the info I'm trying to consume. I try to do a lot of path in this state to help calm my over excited nerves too, I'm sometimes also able to achieve all 5 banis as a proper sikh should be doing. In my depressive state, as in everybody's case with bipolar disorders, you cant even get out of bed, even if you want to sooooo much, but your mind just doesnt let you. I have to drink almost once every two or three nights to blackout because i cant shut the rapid thoughts out and i end up crying or angry or insomniac for no reason. I try to do as much path as i can but it gets too hard to even see any point in anything in life to actually do anything. ill say this, path has helped me a lot but i still struggle a lot. I do try day in and day out to leave everything behind but just keep bani in my life because i do believe that is the key. I'm on the verge of the end of my manic cycle and by the time i recieve a reply to this it might already be too late and i already might be deep down. But know, I will bounce back into guruji's feet. my ultimate goal is to end up with no other addiction than my guru! I dont know what i expect from this post but this manic cycle just had me to write this and share with my fellow. Judge me all you want, I am no saint. I just want to be a better son to my guru. Any help or advice is appreciated. 

P.s. please only post either uplifting comments or only give advice if you are familiar with the conditions of ADHD, Anxeity and Bipolar Disorder II. this might be the next good deed you do. I seriously pray for anyone that helps me, they will be in my ardas for sure. 

[Guest GuestSingh]

brother, sad to read about what ur suffering thru right now in life especially with the loss of ur best friend - that would affect anyone so dont feel ashamed of ur current situation or ur thoughts and feelings and dont feel like ur completely alone either cuz the truth is were all suffering in life too whether its some sort of mental illness, physical disease, past/current mistakes and regrets or certain experiences in life...

the fact that ur able to recite bani when u can and have so much love for guruji and also keep abstaining from other bad stuff after a long time is really good...u should see both the positives and blessings in all of this and take comfort in em too...

dont know too much about adhd or bipolar disorder II - have u been to see anyone about this? anxiety can be really difficult to escape and control but we can do some things to help ourselves i.e. simran - are u doing any of this too? if not then u can start slowly if u need to and just try to keep naam on your lips...try to ease and separate urself away from those thoughts...maybe think of positive thoughts e.g. some nice experiences or sikh history that u find inspiring at the same time to help focus and increase focus and concentration...

the alcohol and marijuana have gotta stop cuz they dont help us and only make things worse - have u tried cutting down on any of it or slowly reduced ur dependency? it must be very difficult but we just have to try even when we dont feel like it or if it feels almost impossible to just keep battling on in life...

u seem to have a lot of love for guruji and u have made it this far with his blessings so why give up now? keep asking for strength and guidance that u continue on this path and change ur life for the better...only then can that desire for addiction for guruji get closer...

sorry if this post didnt help or wasnt the answer u were hoping/expecting...

[Guest guest]

I think you can go easy on reading all on the 5 Bani, due to your health/state, unless you think it helps you.  just do how much you can.  for you i think it would be better to do 'shabad vichar' instead- just take one or two lines of Gurbani that strike you, and think about them deeply all day, and how they apply to your life etc.  it can be any line you like.  you clearly have alot of mental energy.  maybe you need more intellectual pursuits.  

also you should clear all the guilt, pressures (external and internal), and other stuff out of your mind, so you can concentrate on getting back to good health.

i think you are 'using' alcohol and majiuana as a cover up, and they don't really help your symptoms, and have their own side effects.  stop trying to run away from the mental problems.  just understand that they are the symptoms diseases you are suffering.  e.g. racing thoughts are due to bipolar disorder.

also do you keep bad company?  you need to let go of them 100% if you do.  they will only drag you down.  don't feel guilty about this, because you need to take care of yourself.  

start keeping a diary in which you reflect on what you did right each day (don't worry about what you did wrong or failed at), what you are thankful for in life, what things you would like to do.

maybe start some daily exercise, like running etc, to boost the dopamine levels in your brain naturally.  

[Guest guest]

*when i say what things you would like to do, i mean in life.  e.g. is there some subject that interested you that you would like to study?  or some place you would like to travel to?  or some business you would like run? or a car or type of house you dream of owning?

[Not2Cool2Argue]

On 2/10/2019 at 1:26 PM, Guest AnonSikh said:

Hi sangat jio,

P.s. please only post either uplifting comments or only give advice if you are familiar with the conditions of ADHD, Anxeity and Bipolar Disorder II. this might be the next good deed you do. I seriously pray for anyone that helps me, they will be in my ardas for sure. 

Congratulations on stopping heroin. Its a hard thing to do. Massive respect. 

For the anxiety, for opioid/heroin addiction, you should take naltrexone or other non anxiety meds. Please google about other ppl trying to stop heroin addiction. They mention some of the anti anxiety drugs u can use. 

Also, many ppl who have mental health issues, self medicate with alcohol or drugs. So to stop using drugs, try to fix ur underlying bipolar. 

Have u tried lithium? It is a mood stabilizer. There are also antipsychotic meds u can use like quetiapine and even antiseizure drugs are approved for bipolar like valproate and lamitrigine. However SSRIs, antidepressants are not good for bipolar pts, as they will cause mania .  

So i really hope u find meds that work for u.

My behavioral science prof was saying that every time a peraon has a manic episode, it is damaging to the brain. So please get help before it hurts ur brain too much. 

Also, im glad u r staying in gurus sharan. Do ardaas and ask guruji to keep u in his sharan and to help u.  Also think about going to a Sarab Rog Ka aukhad Naam camp. 

Whatever happens, remember that this life is short. Live it to the best of ur ability. Soon we will be judged on our efforts. So keep up the good efforts. U r not this body with its multitude of problems. U r a soul in this human body. 

 

 

[jkvlondon]

Bro,

I am guessing you are still based in Punjab , why don't you try to get some homeopathic help for the headaches and mania/ depression it can help intensity decrease and number of swings and help reduce your reliance on drugs to cope with your symptoms . My brother in law suffered intensely with bipolar after motorcycle accident  and I did treat him while he stayed with me for two years , he was basically unable to function as a human being because of the depression (he had been on lithium for two years) and had severe nervous system trauma . towards the end of the first year his depression was gone and all his multiple meds only a slight manic state remained , by 18 months he was making progress enough to kick off his own business . Don't lose hope , there is a way out of this , stay in chardikala and listen to sukhmani sahib and kirtan as much as possible for support , start at least doing japji sahib and benti chaupai for your nitnem ...

[Guest See a therapist]

On 2/10/2019 at 9:26 PM, Guest AnonSikh said:

Hi sangat jio,

 

First of all lemme start off with a jaikara, " Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh"

I am posting as an anonymous user because it took a lot of courage to write this down considering the things I go through.

I am a Singh (I call myself that because, despite all my evil actions, I feel helpless but i still feel that the guru i believe in, believes in me), I have severe, bipolar disorder II and severe social anxieties. Ive tried all the so called medicines which didn't help, and due to which i have been a heroin addict ( i blame myself for the wrong choices and I take responsibility for em but i still think ready availability in Punjab might have played a little bit of role). I have been clean for over 3 years now after i lost my best friend to overdose. I still take marijuana edibles at times to ease my brain from the enormous headaches, rapid thoughts and crippling ( yes, I mean CRIPPLING ) anxiety that comes with my disabilities. but since it is illegal, I tend to go towards alcohol more because of its legal status. Now, any of you who are aware of the bipolar disorders know that i only have two constantly changing states, Manic and Depressive. I've accepted this disability as a gift of god and tried to get the best out of it. I'm not on any prescribed medication, but i do use marijuana and alcohol, and ill explain how i use it and i hate the fact that i do. In my manic state I'm aware that i can achieve more than I'm capable of, so i just focus, and try to achieve and consume as much information as possible. no matter if its about string theory, historical religious studies or humanities. I just consume. during that time, I use marijuana ( i hate smoking but where i live, edibles aren't really a regular option.) So i use plain marijuana in a vaporizer or a pipe. I dont use tobacco because i hate that substance. Only reason i use marijuana is to calm my nerves in my manic state and focus on the info I'm trying to consume. I try to do a lot of path in this state to help calm my over excited nerves too, I'm sometimes also able to achieve all 5 banis as a proper sikh should be doing. In my depressive state, as in everybody's case with bipolar disorders, you cant even get out of bed, even if you want to sooooo much, but your mind just doesnt let you. I have to drink almost once every two or three nights to blackout because i cant shut the rapid thoughts out and i end up crying or angry or insomniac for no reason. I try to do as much path as i can but it gets too hard to even see any point in anything in life to actually do anything. ill say this, path has helped me a lot but i still struggle a lot. I do try day in and day out to leave everything behind but just keep bani in my life because i do believe that is the key. I'm on the verge of the end of my manic cycle and by the time i recieve a reply to this it might already be too late and i already might be deep down. But know, I will bounce back into guruji's feet. my ultimate goal is to end up with no other addiction than my guru! I dont know what i expect from this post but this manic cycle just had me to write this and share with my fellow. Judge me all you want, I am no saint. I just want to be a better son to my guru. Any help or advice is appreciated. 

P.s. please only post either uplifting comments or only give advice if you are familiar with the conditions of ADHD, Anxeity and Bipolar Disorder II. this might be the next good deed you do. I seriously pray for anyone that helps me, they will be in my ardas for sure. 

See a psychiatrist/ Therapist. It helps alot. I've suffered from similar disorders. Don't wait until youré 1000 feet under until you seek help. Start now. 

 

 

[Guest Suicidelover]

I understand everything what you are going through as i have got ptsd ocd aneixty depression with early signs of bipolar. 

 

I am writting this message as i have had all of my membership taken away from with the private messages posts threads all gone and banned. I am the original lostconfussed and unknownlost. Its a pity how this site is run by nazi sobs who have banned but have still kept my account active with no purpose.

 

Oh well i guess i could have had some fun on here but it seems like i will have a lot more fun watching my death vids as i watch them everyday and i love them. Cos death is a bitter truth and kaam is a false shadow of life which is why i love death vids.