In Despair

[Guest in despair]

Dear all,

Before you read this please do not just tar it with the same brush and say go and do a search on the subject, I really want you to try and understand my situation

I am 25 year old amritdhari woman and I am in despair over my facial hair, to set the record straight I would like to point out that it is not your ‘average’ amount of rom as in the soft hair that covers our bodies from head to toe, my facial hair is thick and coarse and ranges from 3-4cm the shortest to about 6-7 cm the longest. I have recently completed my masters degree at university with a good result and now I am looking for work after having several interviews I have been tuned down for posts and I put it down to the way I look. My parents are also distraught because I have had no marriage offers and they themselves don’t know where to start finding me a husband because of the way I look. It is a harsh reality but looks do affect the way people behave around us. I am so depressed and I hardly go out no more, maybe once every few days to the local Gurdwara but even then I don’t go when I know there will be a lot of sangat. I keep myself to myself and you can forget about socialising. I feel so hideous and hurt and I am so afraid. My parents have suggested I go to India to get married but I thought to myself that by going to India I am just going to end up marrying someone who is marrying me not for me but just for the sake of coming abroad.

I cannot wear a dastaar in fear of being mistaken for a man; once in the women’s changing quarters I heard a girl say to her friend “what’s he doing in here?”because she genuinely thought i was a man and it hurt so much, now you can sit there saying “bhenji be strong” but you just don’t know how hard it is!

I am so badly in despair that there are days that I contemplate giving everything up, I mean what is the point if all I am doing is being an extra pressure on my parents, I can’t get a job, I cant get a husband, what kind of future do I have? I am strict in other parts of my rehat with my daily banis and things, I have no problem with hair on my body as it is covered at all times, even my eyebrows are fine, it is just the hair on my chin and face at it’s worst ( if I can say that). I have had hormonal problems as I was going through puberty and my doc told me to go on the pill but after a while I stopped taking it as I learned it could have other side effects. I feel confused as to why I have to put up with it, I ask myself would my Guru want me to feel bad about myself but at the same time I know people are going to say God gave you that hair, and yes, yes He did, but did He want me to look grossly hideous and have such difficulties arise in life or did He also give me the free will to do something about it? Like if a woman was raped she would have the choice to abort the baby; or someone was disabled in such a way that by operation they could be better. I have learned why hair on the head, legs, and other body areas is important but why is the hair on a face of a woman important? If this question could be answered well it would make me think a few things over. For now I am seriously considering giving up, leaving home and moving away from my parents so as to not have them worry about me.

Can anyone please help?

And if all you are going to do is post guidelines from rehat maryadas and tell me to be strong then please don’t waste your time, they never covered the topic of “abnormal hair growth” in my amrit sanchaar so views on that would be better acknowledged

Thank you

[rsingh]

Vahiugroo jee ka khalsa vahiguroo jee kee fateh

Firstly penjee your not alone.

firstly your not ugly no daughter odf Guroo Sahib is ugly you need to remain stroong and keep faitjh in Guroo Sahib Jee. Do ardaas and dont questiion your rehit. You should start going to sangat more and keertan programs and you need to socialise. If you dont have faith you wont have self confidence and you really need that.

Heres an article Kurbanee Kaur (about facial hair)

You said the Doc gave you pills maybe go and discuss it again see if theres any other hormonal treatment you can get. Think practically at you options, doing a Bujjar Kurahit is NOT an option. You need to belive and look deep inside you that you are beyond that. rember the promise bond you makde to guroo sahib and how will you show you face otherwise. Also on thing is when you remove hair you willl find it grows back twice as much.

if you belive your ugly people will see you in that sence. Walk with head high in always rember Guroo Sahibs daughter.

Do ardaas what ever Guroo sahib does he does for purpose. start going rainsbais more and more sangat with Gursikh bibian, the ones who encorage are gursikh discourage are not and should try and stay away.

Doubt ive been of help but had to give it a shot.

May Guroo Sahib help you in what ever direction you go.

Gurooo Anng Sanng

[taboo]

Hi ,

My parents often say to me that God only helps those who help themselves. I strongly believe that if something is making you so sad and in this case you know so clearly what it exactly is, you should do something.

there are so many people out there who get depressed and not know why.

its well known that facial hair is a possible side effect of being on the pill. some ladies gain weight and get depressed as well.

waxing is the best solution. surely facial hair is not worth your happiness. like u said what about your future, your marriage.

you wouldnt want to be second guessing yourself with your partner.

whether we like it or not, it is a superficial world. we get judged everyday.

also moving away from your parents will only bring distance, thy will never stop worrying about you. its just what parents do best.

our faith marks our religion, it should be no grounds for misery.

take care.

[munjoth]

waxing is the best solution. surely facial hair is not worth your happiness. like u said what about your future, your marriage.

you wouldnt want to be second guessing yourself with your partner.

whether we like it or not, it is a superficial world. we get judged everyday.

____________________________________________________________________

what the heck are you talking about...that is some extreme manmat advice there, wax? WAX!?! you want your sister to get maha beatings for doing beadbi of guru jis saroop

Now your problem is the facial hair > it bugs u like mad, so what could the solution be >>> you want to look and most importantly feel beautiful >>> This because one is attached to his or her body >>> but as this is ur wish u are not gonna feel complete until it is complete so my humble advice to you is do a ardaas infront of guru ji asking for your "wish" and comence in naam bhagti, add about 10 jap ji sahibs to your nitnem and another 5 anand sahibs to help keep you happy.

from my view you are in a fortunate position, you have no job and no marriage which means you have no worldy worries; at this time guru sahib "maybe" trying to tell you it is your time to imbue your self in naam.

please forgive me if ive said anything worng.

[rsingh]

taboo now I know the reason for the name @

Changing your kesh in any form, dyeing, colour, wax, pluck, shave, ..... etc are all counted as a Bujjar Kurahit. For anyone who has been blessed with khanday di paul to do kesha di bedbi is the ultimate Sin i guess. Please think about the promise you made before contimpeting such a thing.

The valves you take at anad karaj are like those you take with your Guroo at amrit sancahar but stronger. Guroo sahib will never leave you where as other people in this world will. You take of your head and give it to guroo sahib and from that day on you are meant to live as tyar by tyar singh/singhnee. Bujjar Kurahit should NOT even be an option.

[Guest Someone]

This is a tough one i would alwyas say dont do the bad thing etc.. but I know what your going through and i know it is really hard. I've seen many people like that and lots of people do laugha nd make fun of others.

As someone said, to wax. Although this is some "bad" advice as some may call it,...I think you cannot really do anything...

Things you should do/try:

1. go to doctors get some medicine that may take care of it?

2. try to find out if its abnormal or if its natural? (if u have some "problem" then you can get if fixed)

becuase... If its a problem i think we can get rid of it. When we're sick, we have cancer, do we not go through medication and therapy?

Someone answer this question, if you are amrit dhari and you have cancer, would you do Chemo and loose your hair or would you say im a sikh im ognna stay in sikhi saroop and die of cancer?

If its a problem, you COULD and CAN get Rid of it, And if it is one, then you should be able to in MY OPINION do something about it...........

but wouldnt shaving and waxing just make it worse?

[Guest _gupt_]

Taboo, are you Amritdhari? I can't beleive someone would come on a Sikhi forum and tell someone to do a Bujjar Kurehat.

[Guest Guest]

Your opinion doesnt count! nor does mine. If you still have question then go and kask Panj they will say same. You are not allowed to tamper with kesh.

Cancer is so different. It depends on Panj. Cancer will kill yes or no?

Any Questions go and ask Panj Pyarai

[Guest no1]

if u hav a hormonal imbalance, the doctor can give you an injection to sort it out.

[Guest __Singh__]

Bhain Ji

Your post says you do not want answers such as "it's Rehat" or "just be strong". You are looking for some kind of solution which provides a magic alternative to that you are in - when Gurbani says that Gurmat Path is as sharp as a sword, it is the Eternal Truth. If someone finds Sikhi easy to follow then they are not following it properly. You are posting on a site where the vast majority of people are youth who are certainly not Naam Abhiyasees. You need to consult true Gurmukhs.

There is no magical alternative that you are looking for.

You know yourself that removing this hair is wrong. You call it "hideous" and to a westerner with no knowledge of spirituality or inclination to meet God, it is certainly not normal. But Gurbani says

sakath sanaehu kar su(n)nath kareeai mai n badhougaa bhaaee ||

Because of the love of woman, circumcision is done; I don't believe in it, O Siblings of Destiny.

jo rae khudhaae mohi thurak karaigaa aapan hee katt jaaee ||2||

If God wished me to be a Muslim, it would be cut off by itself. ||2||

If removing a part of the body, no matter how small (eg circumcision), is acceptable, then Guru Ji would not have written these lines. If something is not meant to be there, it will not be there. You have said that you feel depressed and it sounds like you feel your life is a burden on your parents. Maybe you feel your life is worthless. Gurbani says the opposite.

jih prasaadh thujh ko n pehoochai ||

By His Grace, no one can rival you;

man saas saas simarahu prabh oochae ||

O mind, with each and every breath, remember God on High.

jih prasaadh paaee dhraalabh dhaeh ||

By His Grace, you obtained this precious human body;

 

naanak thaa kee bhagath karaeh ||3||

O Nanak, worship Him with devotion. ||3||

Your human life is so precious because you have the opportunity to realise God. You have been blessed with Amrit from Guru Sahib himself - are you not lucky? Muktee does not come to people just by doing daily Bania or keeping basic Rehat. To meet God you have to Jap Naam 24 hours a day. As a Singhni of Guru Gobind Singh Ji, how lucky are you that you at least know what your aim is in life! You are unsure what to do, but look at the millions of people wondering in this world with no aim or purpose.

I can imagine it is hurtful for someone to genuinely think you are a man. But the same thing happens to all Singhnia who wear Dastar no matter how "feminine" they look by western standards. I have seen it myself. The difference is they get over it and continue with their life.

You are confused as to why Guru Ji has given you this facial hair and the single true reason is because it is in your Karams. You cannot change what you have done in the past lives, what you are now is due to what you did in the past. What you do now will determine what you are in the future. Your Kesh is with you for life. Your natural form will not change. Society is not permanent but the views of those around you will not change. The only thing you can change is what is inside of you.

You may find yourself ugly (by western standards of what is meant to be pretty and ugly) but Gurbani says that the only people who are beautiful are those who Jap Naam. How many people truly believe this? Only the people who have Naam Kamai and see past the outside. To regain your self esteem you need to do some serious Bhagti so you realise the true meaning of "beauty"; something so few in the Panth ever truly realise in this lifetime. Add extra Bania to your Nitnem and do hours of Simran at Amritvela. Become serious in your aim to meet Vaheguru. Go to the Gurdwara every day and sit at the back if you feel self conscious. Talk to Guru Ji. Take a Hukamnama. If you are unsure still, then go to a Rehatvaan Panj Pyare. Do not go to a "slack" Panj Pyare where you know what the answer will be already. Keep your head up and get a grip on life - you are not the only person in the world with this problem.