Very Very Mature Topic

[Guest Guest]

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'alone' bhenji, please do this. :s

[Ramneet Singh]

I am often left feeling alone, partly because I do not know anyone like me. These last few days have probably been the climax, or least thats what it seems like. I have finally decided that I am different, something which of course I have known a long time ago (afterall girls wearing dastaar are rare to come by) But this time I strangley realised that I am different from my own type too.

I'm looking out of a window from a 15 floor block of flats as I write this. The view isn't spectacular (mainly floodlights) and thats exactly what life is like. I made some huge decisions this last month. I have with the help of a white vegan friend taken on a vegan diet.

Its a cause I had always believed in yet I never had the strength to follow. I have also at the same time stopped consuming food prepared outside whether that be ready made meals or restaurant food. I buy fresh vegetables only and prefer to cook my food doing naam simran. This is proving to be quite difficult since I share a flat with people who smoke, drink.

These are not the only problems, explaining how I can no longer eat with my friends at our favourite student place (Pizza Hut) proved to be a tough challenge. Whats changed I was asked......in all honesty I am unable to explain why I changed. My friends lost and confused accepted my decision - we went vue cinema instead. Incidently if you are thinking of watching I am Legend, please spare yourself ...it was not a good film.

The most interesting thing is yet to come though as I do not want to mix two diets. I have therefore chosen the punjabi diet in favour of the english bread and so taking roti and saag to uni awaits me.

Being different from people does not worry me but the lack of potential interaction with new people saddens me. I have often turned down birthday invites since they are mainly at clubs. My closest friends have of course accomodated me but this then limits me to only my circle of friends.

I made some other concientious choices. Rather than taking the tube or bus I try to walk to my destination. Currently it takes me 1 hour to walk to and 1 hours to walk back from lectures. As you have probably guessed I am an environmentalist. I recycle paper, plastic and glass. I would recycle to make compost heap but I have no facility in my block of flats to store decaying material.

I have incorporated various other changes too. I no longer wash with hot water. I believe instead I shud wash with water held at room temperature. On top of this I am a clean person. I have a distinct set of home clothes which I change into as soon as I reach my flat but only after washing face, hands, feet. Its a habit I got from my mother. Another punjabi habit i have is prehaps that of using water when you have been toilet. Suprisingly no one at my flat has asked me about my piece of bottle in the toilet....but outside its very difficult. I am overly aware of the number of people who don't wash and prefer to smudge the faecal and urine matter.......I was actually shocked to discover a gurdwara had no bottles! I now permanently carry a spare one.

I have discovered not many people have these life choices. I have some other choices too which I am considering. I actually quite like the style of Indian clothes. This is not because I am indian but its to do with the fact that everytime i sit my back gets exposed. Quite obviously you feel cold but it also predisposes u to back problems! Add to this the fact that buying clothes is getting more and more difficult...if your a girl you will understanf that either the neckline is too low or the tops are too small.

I am at a stage where I want to get rid of all my clothes and only wear bana. I cannot describe how or why but I feel trapped in normal clothes. Bana makes me feel free.....the only way for me to describe this feeling is to use a kachera as an example. Basically imagine if you wore knickers instead. People probably have not done this but I had to do this as an emergency once and I truly felt so tight all day and to put it simply I could not wait to be wearing my kachera again.

I have no idea why I have changed at such an accelerating pace. My music preference is no longer 'I like all music whether its RnB, Hip Hop, Rock, Kirtan'. Infact over this last week I have only listened to gurbani since the meanings are the definitive truth whilst I see everything else as relatistic truth. I have made numerous other changes such as removing myself off msn and I feel from today onwards the word of internet forums.

With all the changes I am making I think part of me wants consolidation that I am not alone. I find it difficult to even find a single person who does not remove hair or bleach it. I have met many penji's people say they do not remove hair but then they pull chin hair or tamper by bleaching it....I have chin hair too but I don't see why i chould compromise my belief by pulling it away with tweezers or covering it with bleach. But I think the real sadness was when I realised that being vegan means I cannot eat at the gurdwara. :s

Since you don't know me and I don't know you I probably should share some other things. These things are very personal and I am not sure how I should tell someone about them. In about exactly 3 years now family will probably be looking for someone to marry me. I however have never found myself ever being attracted to males......(no I am not lesbian since I am not attracted to females either).

Infact I treat both males and females the same. My friends have known for a very long time that I do not rate, think of people as being hot or use phrases like sexc, babe etc. I feel its probably because I see us as all being souls..and what a soul is like is not what their shell is like. For a very long time I did not wish to marry for this reason but as I grow older I realised that marriage was essential for creating the next generation and it was not wise to not help in forming the belief system of the future.

I therefore decided I would accept a partner but only if they held similar beliefs to me. There are however one or two more things which I have not openly told a living soul. I am aware that people see marriage as some sort of fufillment of desires however from a very young age I found kissing repulsive. I therefore am not prepared to be kissed or to kiss someone. I also have a huge disgust of hugging people unless I know they have washed. I therefore do not see myself hugging any potential partner unless they have showered. On top of that there are other tiny things.....I don't particularly like to sleep under one duvet or in the same bed so I'm gonna want my own bed..I also don't want to use condoms or be on the pill.....so I am only gonna have intercourse for children....my question is whether a guy would want to know all this beforehand ... It wud also be nice to know if Iam the only one who thinks like this.

I know ur kinda askin for peoples opinions and all, i cant say anything that lonely kaur bhenji hasnt said alrdy, but i can say that i found this a very very inspirational read

[OhTwadi]

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[Revolutionary]

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[Guest daas13]

bhenji...you sound depressed majorly....of all the things that you do, and of these changes u hve made in ur life, do any of them give you joy? or do they create more negativity and more suffering?

also what is it that drives u to make these changes?

and if there is any happiness in ur life, where is that also?

[SSjatt]

you will never be alone, god is always with you.

WkWF Nice article of yours i enjoyed reading it.

[buddasingh]

It was a nice read. I could've done without all the fecal and urine talk though. :s Can I ask you an honest question. I've read up on this and was wondering if you call into this category. Do you have OCD?

Or maybe we all have ADD.

Interesting mix of replies. Just to clarify, my comment above is meant as a compliment to the original poster. I think some are genuine in questioning the extent of cleanliness. However, it seems that there are varied disciplines to which you are committed, suggesting that this is discipline, not OCD. Like some others, I find the post inspiring.

[Guest yes to sucham]

It was a nice read. I could've done without all the fecal and urine talk though. :s Can I ask you an honest question. I've read up on this and was wondering if you call into this category. Do you have OCD?

Or maybe we all have ADD.

Interesting mix of replies. Just to clarify, my comment above is meant as a compliment to the original poster. I think some are genuine in questioning the extent of cleanliness. However, it seems that there are varied disciplines to which you are committed, suggesting that this is discipline, not OCD. Like some others, I find the post inspiring.

Sucham plays a very large part in sikhi. Taksal for example are VERY strict on sucham not only when it comes to doing seva but also when living normal day to day lives. but maharaj also tells us that for us to be suchaa on the outside we need to be sucha from inside aswel.

To original poster; penjee your post is an inspiring one and definantly has opened my eyes that their are true piaar rehatvaan gursikhs like urself out there. maharaj kirpa kare that ul take both steps further into ur spiritual jeevan.

Sucham is a big thing, i myself am very aware of what i touch etc. i constantly wash my hands, face, mouth etc. some people say this is a disorder but i only start doing this when i started to keep more sathkaar for gutke and pothi sahibs. as maharaj says in asa dee vaar Such Hovai..Thaa Sach Paaiyai||

http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?ShabadID=1738

If we keep sucham of our body aswell as our minds then kirpa karke we can reach lord. The kanga constantly reminds us of this, being at the top of our head and highest point on our body..it is a constant reminder to comb your bad sins away by naam aswell as combing your hair for physical cleansiness as it is one of the most important aspects in sikhi.

keeping sucham is important but only when we have our minds such. Mann Jootai Chulai Bharain|| With filthy minds, they try to cleanse their mouths.

by readings your post it seems that you have more control over your mind so do ardaas to maharaj to keep you strong willed and keep in charan of sangat. maharaj says Bhagat Bina Bahu Doobai Siaane||...so if the siaane/wise people can fall without sangat then what chance do we have? so thats why we need to do ardaas that maharaj keep us in ur charan and sangat. very important. when doing sangat of people who go clubs/drink etc it rubs off on us and can affect our jeevan. jaisee sangat...taisee rangat.

Keeping bibek is important also. must not follow brahmin rituals...but we must keep our food suchaa aswel as our minds.

http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?ShabadID=1747

so my humble bentee to original poster, please read more bani and do khoj of gurbani. try to listen and understand. if ur panjabi is good, listen to katha and try to understand it, take notes and live it. ask questions so maharaj can give u the right answer.

if possible start 40 day paaht routine. if u can read sukhmani sahib try to read 52 sukhmani sahibs in 40 days. or instead do 5 japjee sahibs a day for 40 days. try to keep a routine..then on 40th day when u come to the end/bhog if possible make karra parshaad or go gurduara and do ardaas to maharaj. read "say kinaiyhaa" biography of sant baba harnam singh jee khalsa if possible, its a truely inspiring read and really helps boost your jeevan. if you cannot get a copy from anywhere let me know and i will provide a copy2u.

bani is the key and naam is the lock. our guru is behind the door.

sorry if ive gone off on one..kinda typed too much.

[I humbly bow]

" I know ur kinda askin for peoples opinions and all, i cant say anything that lonely kaur bhenji hasnt said alrdy, but i can say that i found this a very very inspirational read "

ditto!! :WW:

[sherlsurj]

firstly sis i find it cool come of the stuff u do. veganism is something i tried but failed to do. not eating out i like the idea of..at least you know whats in your food. and the otehr stuff u say is cool too. but im a bit lost as 2 why u would not hug your husband when married without him having a shower first?im a guy and when im married i dont see a prob with showing affection like that. moving on.....i dont go to clubs/pubs or anything either. so im left out from even my apne friends!but it doesnt bother me, i am what i am at the end of the day.