Social Agrophobia,shyness

[Guest _Gupt_]

SSA

I really think I need help. I am not sure where to begin because so much has happened due to my problem. Basically I have a social Phobia Shyness problem. Whatever you want to call it, I have it.

Its taken me a long time to admit that I have this problem. But I know now its time to seek help.

Let me start. Ever since i can remember from the age of 7 I have been a extremely Shy person. at school I was probably able to mask it. Because most youngsters are kind of shy. But mine has always been on the extreme side. i have always been very withdrawn. Not speaking to other people or laughing and joking like most people. But have been the opposite. I.e. keeping to myself and talking to others.

the reason being i cannot relate to other people and didn’t have anything to say. Over time this has become worse. I haven’t been able to hold down a single job because of this problem. I don’t blame other people. They just find it very awkward being around me because im so quiet. Hence why working in jobs has been impossible.

To work you have to be a good communicator you have to have social skills. i have none of these. Hence why I have left job after job. I just find it impossible to talk to people or fit in. I have never fitted in. and feel I have always been the outsider.

i just don’t know what to do. Shyness has destroyed my life. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

im okay around close friends and family. But the working environment is to difficult for. it just highlights all my weaknesses of my character.

The only people I feel comfortable with is probably fellow Sikhs. Put me in a room full of guys other then this and I will defiantly be the odd person. I just wish I could be myself in social situations. It’s like I am a heckle and jeckle character. As soon as I go into a group of people I go into my shell and just can’t seem to get out of it. No matter what I try.

Does anyone know how can this be treated? Or what has caused me to be like this? I have finally admitted it’s a problem after years of being in denial.

[Guest me too]

I too can relate to your shyness problem but for me, its mostly just a lack of confidence. In my mind I question whether others will like me if I do open up and Im constantly thinking about what others think about me. I just dont feel like dealing with anyone or making new friends because it seems like such a hassle so Im better off just keeping to myself because its easier. I dont want anyone to know what type of a person I am because if they do end up disliking me, it would hurt my self esteem. Its really hard and I feel your pain. I wish you didnt have to go through that. Its even harder when you have a dastaar because you constantly question what others think and feel about you especially if they've never even heard of Sikhism.

With Guru's kirpa Im handling my first job really well even though sometimes its hard relating to others. I can't ask people how they are doing because I feel fake about it so I always let them ask me how I feel first lol

Did you diagnose yourself with this problem or did you seek professional help? If you seek help from a professional maybe they can help you get to the root of your problem.

For me, its low self esteem and depression. Im trying hard to work on it by finding confidence.

I hope this helps you. Be confident in who you are and you will want to talk to others confidently. Being alone is nice but it gets lonely at times so you and I must find the confidence in ourselves to speak up. Guru Rakha.

[asengh]

Gurfateh

Heres a few things that can help:

- A quick way to solve this issue is by smiling. I'm no psychologist/bioligist but I do know that when you smile edorphins (sorry if i spelt it wrong) get realised into your body. This hormone (or what ever you want to call it) stimulate the reward pathways which in return make you feel good about yourself. So SMILE SMILE SMILE!! Remember smiling is such an exellent way to bond with people. EVEN BABIES REALISE THIS AT SUCH A TENDER AGE!! Gursikhs who continually Jap Naam have a constant smile on their faces. A smile causes positive energy around us and makes people around us positive. So a quick fix is just smile. Even if your nervous just smile. If you don't know how to smile then take a look at the following picture, its sure to make you smile:

http://www.sikhlionz.com/bhai%20jeevan%20singh%202.jpg

- Another thing you may be deprived from is a good sleeping routine and exercise. Good sleep and exercise also release endorphine hormones around the body. Adrenaline rush is felt sometimes when one is suffering from social phobia so a good regular work out reduces the adrenaline debt.

- There may be certian things that trigger the social anxiety. These needs to be indentified, here is a list of the following things that could possibly make you anxious; eye contact, not knowing what to say in a conversation, embarresment for saying the wrongs things or being humiliated, knowing the other person is nervous therefore making you nervous. You need to make a list of all the stuff that makes you anxious. Here are a few techniques to help you when exposed to social situations.

• Eye Contact - Some people find it difficult to maintain eye contact. Remember you don't have to look directly into the persons eyes. Its helpful if you don't keep shifting from eye to eye, now that would deffnitely make you look nervous. Find one eye your comfortable looking at, a good option would be the left eye. Apparntly its something to do with which brain controls emotions and you have some level degree of control over emotions of fear just by looking at the left eye. Remember u dont just have to look at the eye, its ok to look around the eye area such as the bridge of the nose or eyebrows. Infact whilst talking to someone when you look at their eyebrows it is a sign of consideration and shows you are listening. Remember to keep nodding your head to show you are enganged in the conversation, even if you don't speak least the other person will know you were listening. Nodding the head is a sign that you are acitvely listening to what they say. Even if you didn't say a word, you will leave the conversation feeling positive whilst the other person leaves by feeling they had the most say :S lol.
  
• Knowing what to say in a conversation - Some people get nervous just because they don't know how to respond to peoples questions or whatever. A good starting point is to indentify things YOU are good at. What has Waheguru given you which is so special. You might wake up Amritvela, do your nitnem, or are into sports or certian television program. You may find others are interested in similar topics and this is a good way to start a conversation. Ultimatly you should be Japping Naam Athi Pehar so there is no need to talk :g:
  
• Embarresement or getting humiliated - Who cares what others think!! The key here is thinking realistically instead of negatively. The only reason you're getting these problems is because you're mind is a prisoner of your thoughts. If you think realistically what have you got to be embarresed about? You just need to think that everyone has good and bad points and everyone is in the same boat as you when it comes to getting humiliated, just laugh it off!
  
• Knowing that the person you talk to is nervous - Remember think REALISTICALLY. Is the other person actually nervous? He/she is most likely not. And so what if they are, just smile at them! Whats the worst that could happen? You get sweaty palms? You loose eye contact? Wow big deal.
  

You need to make a list of all the stuff that makes you nervous. Then slowly tackly each one by doing manable exposures to social situation. Example you find that you get fear random people talking to you who you don't know. A good way to over come this is asking someone for directions, asking someone the time. Remember EXPOSURE EXPOSURE EXPOSURE! The more you expose yourself to social situations the less you will feel anxious around people. Its time you got out of the SAFE ZONE! And start to take managable risks.

Or you could take the following options:

- Do enough Bhagti to see Guroo Ang Sang. When Guroo is Ang Sang you have no fear which in result will not make you anxious.

- Get to such a state of mind through Simran that Dukh, Sukh, fear, anxieties, hunger, sleep are all abolished and your mind is at forever peace.

- Bhudists talk about having mindfulness. This is where you're able to think of the now for example concetrating on your breathing, but as Gursikhs when we take Amrit we are blessed with Gurmat Naam. By constantly Japing Naam we are at forever mindfulness as the mind will never get affected by negativity.

So in conclusion:

SMILE SMILE SMILE!!

EXPOSER EXPOSER EXPOSER!!

PRACTISE PRACTISE PRACTISE!!

Ok thats enough of me ramabling on. If you need more help PM me.

Gurfateh

[moorakh mugadh]

Gurfateh

Heres a few things that can help:

- A quick way to solve this issue is by smiling. I'm no psychologist/bioligist but I do know that when you smile edorphins (sorry if i spelt it wrong) get realised into your body. This hormone (or what ever you want to call it) stimulate the reward pathways which in return make you feel good about yourself. So SMILE SMILE SMILE!! Remember smiling is such an exellent way to bond with people. EVEN BABIES REALISE THIS AT SUCH A TENDER AGE!! Gursikhs who continually Jap Naam have a constant smile on their faces. A smile causes positive energy around us and makes people around us positive. So a quick fix is just smile. Even if your nervous just smile. If you don't know how to smile then take a look at the following picture, its sure to make you smile:

MOD EDIT: Please keep quoting from previous posts to no more than a few sentances. See posting and forum rules for furthur clarification

i coundt have said much better than this ...do as this veerji has told u...thoda meh we add karda watch as many as comedy and funny movies and cartoon and laugh like hell..baki akaaaaaaal purkh is beant ardaas karo..sab tek ho ju mere veer kush raho

see this kitten haseee aonde pae ya lollllllllllll

[2468]

next time you go to the gurudhwara and when the ardas is done shout..... sorry i meant to say SHOUT SAT SRI AKAAL AS LOUD AS YOU CAN make sure you say it like your in a real war. once you do this i think not sure but worth a try you will slowly get a tiny bit of confidence. i mean whats the worst that can happen the singhs will look at you and go woaaaa thats a sikkkkkk jakara u did there mate. the reason im saying this no to sound funny or anything but gurbani is always the way forward and has every soloution.

by the way follow what asengh said much better advice

fateh

[Guest Guest]

If you speak to your doctor he could arrange some cognitive behaviour therapy, etc which may help. The posts already written are also good, if you are against seeing a doctor, you could tackle the problem by slowly moving yourself out of your "comfort zone" - that is, slowly start forcing yourself into slightly uncomfortable situations continuously till you are comfortable in them, and slowly progressing further.

[HSD*^]

wow asengh you took the words right out of my mouth, and got here a few hours before i did! anyway yeah try to laugh more, watch comedy, develop your hobbies, go out and see the world, dont idle or think about your situation too much. it starts with small steps, but as soon as you start moving forwards you'll look back at how you were and wonder why you acted like such a gimp.

[satty2007]

All the suggestions made above are helpful im sure but you dont even need to go that far. Try and do or listen to as many chaupai sahib ji the paath as you can in a day and im sure over time, the way you feel about urself on the inside will change.

"sunai gung jo yaah(i) s(u) rasnaa paavee | sunnai moord chith la(i) chaturtha aavee"

If a mute (person) listens with the utmost attention and love they will attain the gift of speech. If an imbecile, senseless person listens with concentration and consideration of the meanings then they will become incredibly intelligent.

I know maharaj talks about a mute person but im sure if maharaj can a bless a mute with gift of speech im sure maharaj can help you get throught what your experiencing.

Hope that helps :TH:

[harsimran kaur]

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa, vaheguru ji ki fateh

That's just like me.. I always thought it would get better along time and when i would meet new people, but it hasn't. I'm not usually afraid of social situations or being surrounded by people, but i get very self-conscious and my mind goes totally blank when i'm supposed to say something. And if i get the courage to say something, i often get confused with my words and go totally red and embarrassed. Only times when it doesn't happen is when the situation takes me off guard or when i'm otherwise excited about something. I don't have much social skills either.. it's also embarrassing because girls are thought to be more socially capable than boys, but i'm totally at loss in social situations.. like how to look at other people in the correct way, how to respond to what they say, what is a suitable thing to talk about etc.. it seems so unnatural for me to try to behave like them and act smiling and happy etc. if there's nothing particular making me smile or laugh at that moment..

If possible, you could try finding some sort of group for people having social anxiety.. there you can meet other people who are suffering exactly the same problems. I've just started in one, it was somehow relieving to realize how so many other people are nervous and quiet too, people who at the same time seem really smart and nice.. Often people who have social phobias are more critical and pessimistic than others, and also very sensitive about how other people feel.. and maybe even more intelligent.. i mean it's difficult to think of a dumb person who would be worrying about what others think about him/her and how they react to this and that.. etc.

I've also noticed when one tries to see the jyot of Vaheguru in all people that one comes across (it helps to imagine some light emanating from them or the symbol of ik ongkaar at their hearts), and at the same time thinks how easy it's to speak to Vaheguru ji when praying, and how He forgives all the mistakes we do and accepts us the way we are.. and how, after all, all people are just acting under the hukam of Vaheguru, and whatever happens is His Will only.. These sort of thoughts help sometimes when i really concentrate on it. Eg. just when walking on the street and not knowing how to react when people look at you etc.. it makes everything feel so much more natural and easier when you're focused on Vaheguru, not just inside yourself but also inside other people. It somehow gives you a feeling of connection. It also helps to forgive other people and not feel angry with them if they do something that hurts you.

Anyway, i wish you luck, and wish there was some magic potion for this i read once someone writing about this and saying that have you ever seen a shy old person, and thought that it was sort of comforting.. oh well..

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa, vaheguru ji ki fateh

kaanarraa mehalaa 5 ||

Kaanraa, Fifth Mehla:

bisar gee sabh thaath paraaee ||

I have totally forgotten my jealousy of others,

jab thae saadhhasa(n)gath mohi paaee ||1|| rehaao ||

since I found the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. ||1||Pause||

naa ko bairee nehee bigaanaa sagal sa(n)g ham ko ban aaee ||1||

No one is my enemy, and no one is a stranger. I get along with everyone. ||1||

jo prabh keeno so bhal maaniou eaeh sumath saadhhoo thae paaee ||2||

Whatever God does, I accept that as good. This is the sublime wisdom I have obtained from the Holy. ||2||

sabh mehi rav rehiaa prabh eaekai paekh paekh naanak bigasaaee ||3||8||

The One God is pervading in all. Gazing upon Him, beholding Him, Nanak blossoms forth in happiness. ||3||8||

here's this shabad sung by Bibi Sat Kirin Kaur Khalsa ji.. http://fateh.sikhnet.com/gurbani ..search for bisara ga-ee